More cookie fodder

J. Eric Townsend jet at
Fri Feb 1 14:41:00 AEST 1991

Stolen from everywhere, attributions when I could find them.

"Read My Lips: No Nude Texans!" - George Bush clearing up a misunderstanding
Either sue me, or shut the hell up.
 - Greg Hennessy, gsh7w at
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
Prolog: You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing
        to find its mark, backtracks into the gun which then explodes in
        your face. <BG>
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
Forth:  yourself foot shoot.  <akarna>
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
DBase:  You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowingly that by the
        time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why  you shot 
        yourself anyway.  <rboatright>
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
DBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was
        a poorly-designed granade and the whole building blows up.
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
CLIPPER:  You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you 
        can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the 
        bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail
        _REAL_SOON_NOW_.  <rboatright>
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
SQL:    You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it 
        returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at
        the end of your leg. <rboatright>
Trying to shoot yourself in the foot in:
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE: For those who like to load their own rounds before shooting
        themselves in the foot.  <rhsmith>
lint(1) is the compiler's only means of dampening the programmer's ego.
A friend who used to work at <research lab> related a story
 about a customer support line at <company>.  The support person said
 something on the order of "You're not our only customer, you know,"
 to which his reply was, "But we're one of the few with tactical
 nuclear weapons."
 - from USENET
"They [La Prensa] accused us of suppressing freedom of
 expression.  This was a lie and we could not let them
 publish it."
 - Nelba Blandon, Interior Ministry Director of Censorship, quoted in
   The New York Times, 1984
Seen on the wall in a New York subway station:
"There are no integers n > 2 and x, y, z > 0, such that
	x^n + y^n = z^n
 I have found a truly wonderful proof of this.
 Unfortunately, my train is coming.
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
We will occasionally use this arrow notation unless there is danger of
 no confusion.
 - Ronald Graham, "Rudiments of Ramsey Theory"
All obvious theorems are true.
 - Pommersheim's Principle

All true theorems are obvious.
 - Keane's Kriterion
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some
 sheep's testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."
 -Ripping Yarns
"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of
 gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
 "Hit it."
 - Jake and Elwood Blues
"Hankerin' for trouble, eh? Well I would like--"
 [aside] "I would like? I would like a trip to Europe!"
 "--I would like..."
 - Daffy Duck, "Dripalong Daffy"
"Go on! Shoot me again! I enjoy it! I love the smell of burnt feathers
 and gunpowder and cordite!"
 - Daffy Duck, "Duck! Rabbit! Duck!"
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
 East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them
 like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
 Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
 -Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"
"Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked
 myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
 -Groucho Marx, "Monkey Business"
"The shortest distance between two points is through Hell."
 -Brian Clark
"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself
 at the ground and miss."
A witty saying proves nothing.
 - Voltaire
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
 - Anon
 Hartley's First Law:
  You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
  on his back, you've got something.
 Cole's Law:
  Thinly sliced cabbage.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
 on roof and gets stuck.
"What can you say about a society that says
 God is dead and Elvis is alive?"
 -Irv Kupcinet
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
 one went to Harvard).
 - Edgar R. Fiedler
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
 - Samuel Goldwyn
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their
 careers...damn anthropologists.
 - Emo Philips
VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use unix.
 - bill davidsen (davidsen at crdos1.crd.GE.COM)
"Unix: a moment of convenience, a lifetime of regret." 
 - old ITS hacker saying
"We demand source because we've been burned too much by its lack, not
 because we have this desire to add custom hacks to our kernels or
 utilities. Believe me, we'd all like to run stock systems, straight
 off the vendor distribution tapes; it'd be significantly less work.
 But our users have this liking for working systems and prompt fixes
 for the bugs they find, neither of which the vendors we buy from have
 been particularly good in supplying."
 - cks at
"If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a
 job.  Let's hear it for OSI and X!  With those babies in the wings,
 we can count on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch
 to gardening, paper folding, or something."
 - C. Philip Wood
"The less you know about home computers
 the more you'll want the new IBM PS/1."
 - Advertisment in the Edmonton Journal, Thursday, December 13, 1990:
"Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing."
 - Stan Kelly-Bootle, _Computer Language_, Oct 90
"Abandon all hope, ye who press enter here."
"Cover a war in a place where you can't drink beer or talk to a woman?
 Hell no!" - Hunter S. Thompson, on the US war against Iraq
The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T LD.
 A winner:
 "So I go to pick up Bobby from the daycare center and he's not there.
 I get home, the phone's ringing and it's them.  The guy says, 'Lady,
 we've got your kid.  Say something to mommy, Bob. (SCREAM).  Please
 note, Mrs. Sanderson, the fiber-optic clarity of your son's ...'"
 - From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24
The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T LD.
 Third Prize:
 I hear this crash and I find a rock, wrapped in paper, next to my
 living room window.  I open up the note and it says, "You want it in
 writing?  You got it.  Next time, take the call.  MCI.  We know where
 you live."
 - From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24
"Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel."
 - Samuel Johnson
"'My country right or wrong' is like saying, 'My mother drunk or sober.'" 
 - G. K. Chesterton
"Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy."
 - George Bernard Shaw
"Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious."
 - Oscar Wilde
"Patriotism is an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles."
 - George Jean Nathan
"Hey, did you hear Stallman has replaced /vmunix with /vmunix.el?  Now
 he can finally have the whole O/S built-in to his editor like he
 always wanted!"
 - Tom Christiansen <tchrist at>
I will say one good thing for vi, after I learned that, the keys didn't change
 for Nethack, but I still only use it when I have to.
 - Matt Ranney <t22918 at>
Bush has it backwards -- abortion is surgical; bombing is murder.
 - sign at anti-war march
I'll say it again for the logic impaired.
 - Larry Wall <lwall at>
The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
 -  from "Global Village News" on Nickelodeon
How did the computer scientist die in the shower?

He read the directions on the shampoo: Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.
: What's a polar bear?

: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
 -  bwhite at (Bill White)
>From the X-windows xwud(1) man-page...

This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so
 fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!
A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an
 outside force.  (Carol Reichel)
IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
 - Andrew Tannenbaum <trb at>,  author of Minix and Amoeba
"The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like
 someone beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I
 can see why!" 
 - Harry Skelton (harry at usrgrp)
What do you call it when someone rubs a Volkswagen van on your head?

A Fahrvergnoogie.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master merely stays out
 of the way.
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
Theorem: Every horse has an infinite number of legs

 Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs,
 and in front they have fore legs.  This makes six legs, which is
 certainly an odd number of legs for a horse.  The only number
 that is both odd and even is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an
 infinite number of legs.
 - From "On the Nature of Mathematical Proofs", Joel Cohen
J. Eric Townsend - jet at - bitnet: jet at UHOU - vox: (713) 749-2120
"It is the cunning of form to veil itself continually in the evidence
of content.  It is the cunning of the code to veil itself and to produce
itself in the obviousness of value." -- Baudrillard

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