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[ {D z k* |s e D 7t *o T. ll |t #A z Z p q zh O fu H J *K w3 ` ?J C 2 e SS . ! ~^ 8 g 1 in D Փ d l? RF -O j s) 8f ' 7 4 \ B Q & o| 8 fQ g5 i 5 | Rr 4 H rU A g K 0 { d > z ! h p ) ݛ D yP ۛ b O 8 | i >7 L >k | F Y ] ߝ x P I @ j_ d 6 r I Ol ? tj W &8 q v | 6` la G L E ! 0 a # Xc e & + P S m D kd Cl d > 1 B V z g } c | '
r ^ 7g u ^L q -d {. ` D{ [5 Q ܪ [ Ϗ s &( ` ^ R % [ d ʃ m X S G l l S7 _ n ez T *n s H ) n m@ Y 5 v iA $ B{ 6 - E k | | ( # &$ } ~_ L Ki ` a ̎ s J Q$ < v Y ([ \ * s $ ***
*******
*********
****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
*******
***
Has your family tried 'em?
POWDERMILK BISCUITS
Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
POWDERMILK BISCUITS
Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
stains that indicate freshness.
1/2
/\(3)
| 2 1/3
| z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
|
\/ 1
The integral of z squared, dz
From 1 to the square root of 3
Times the cosine
Of 3 PI over nine
Is the log of the cube root of e
* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
=======================================================================
|| ||
|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
|| ||
=======================================================================
Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
"Fortune Cookie"
Directed by Steven Spielberg.
Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
Read the Warner paperback!
Invoke the Unix program!
Soundtrack on XTC Records.
In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
centers.
(1/2)
/ 3
| 2 3 x 3.14 (1/2)
| z dz cos (--------) = ln(e )
/ 1 9
The integral, from one to root three,
Of z to the second dz,
Times the cosine
Of 3 pi over nine
Is the log of the third root of e.
=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
cold boot process.
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
performance.
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
please communicate them by one of the following paths:
ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
Wastebasket
Room NE43-926
Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
For that personal contact feeling call 1-900-555-1212; our trained
operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
CAR and CDR now return extra values.
The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
(MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
it cold boots the machine so often.
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
(LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
,LET)))
`(LET ((LET ',LET))
,LET))
This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
JCL support as alternative to system menu.
In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
(DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
(PROG (V P LP)
(SETQ P (LOCF V))
L (SETQ LP LISTS)
(%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
L1 (OR LP (GO L2))
(AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
(%PUSH (CAAR LP))
(RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
(SETQ LP (CDR LP))
(GO L1)
L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
(SETQ LP (%POP))
(RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
(GO L)))
We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
**** CONVENTION REMINDER
No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
great potential.
*** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
you should blame when you make a mistake.
Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
*** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
*** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
*** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
try this simple test:
1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
>>> Internal error in fortune program:
>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
*** NEWSFLASH ***
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
Details at eleven!
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
optimal cachinnation.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
escallation of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
remain innocuous.
*** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
yourself in the morning.
-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
-- Surveillance should precede saltation.
-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
lacteal fluid.
-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
canine with innovative maneuvers.
-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit.
***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
U X
e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
<< WAIT >>
: is not an identifier
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
[2] Great generals are forewarned.
[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
[4] Four is an even number.
[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
[2] Great generals are forewarned.
[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
[4] Four is an even number.
[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
Therefore, all horses are black.
1) Everything depends.
2) Nothing is always.
3) Everything is sometimes.
1) Never draw what you can copy.
2) Never copy what you can trace.
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
1: No code table for op: ++post
1) X=Y ; Given
2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
-- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
1 bulls, 3 cows.
$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
7
A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
13. ... r-q1
17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
Nine in the second place means:
The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
Six in the third place means:
In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
186,000 miles per second:
It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
-- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
$3,000,000.
355/113 --
Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
[And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
3rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
94% of the women in America are beautiful
and the rest hang out around here.
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!
100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!
A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
-- B. Franklin
A CONS is an object which cares.
-- Bernie Greenberg.
A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
A LISP programmer knows the value of
everything, but the cost of nothing.
-- Alan Perlis
A Law of Computer Programming:
Make it possible for programmers to write in English
and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
the police.
-- Mr. Dooley
A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
-- J.K. Galbraith
A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
"But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
"Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
the teller says.
"But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
"Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
"And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
"Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
paycheck?"
-- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
A Puritan is someone who is deathly
afraid that someone, somewhere is having fun.
A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
-- Plutarch
A Severe Strain on the Credulity
As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
at one end and no responsibility at the other.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
-- Don Quinn
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
-- Kipling
A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
-- Emerson
A beginning is the time for taking the
most delicate care that balances are correct.
-- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
A billion here, a couple of billion there--
first thing you know it adds up to be real money.
-- Everett Dirksen
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
-- Cervantes
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
A bit of talcum
Is always walcum
-- Ogden Nash
A black cat crossing your path signifies
that the animal is going somewhere.
-- Groucho Marx
A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
resource centers along the roads.
-- The Underground Grammarian
A bore is a man who talks so much about
himself that you can't talk about yourself.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his
own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
A box without hinges, key, or lid,
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
-- J.R. Tolkien
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
-- John Steinbeck
A budget is just a method of worrying
before you spend money, as well as afterward.
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
-- Robert W. Service
A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
A burleyque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
But she read science fiction
And died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.
-- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she
probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He
says, "Hello. Is my wife there?"
"Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
"Is she with her lover?"
The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you
say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check
to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back
to the phone and says "It's done."
The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
"Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?"
A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
-- Paul Valery
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
A cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
-- Mark Twain
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
was enlightened.
From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
who passed it on to theirs.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A chronic disposition to inquiry
deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
-- Herbert Prochnow
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
A classic is something
that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
-- Mark Twain
A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
-- Parkinson
A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
-- R. Stallman
A company is known by the men it keeps.
A complex system that works is invariably
found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
-- Victor Hugo
A computer called Illiac4
Had a rather tough bug in its core.
It chewed up its cards
And spewed yards and yards
Of illegible tape on the floor.
A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
the president one of the latest talking computers.
Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any quesstion
and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
speed of light?"
Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
Computer: George Washington.
President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
Where is my father?"
Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
years ago!"
Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
landed a twelve pound bass.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
-- Gigo
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
A conservative is a man
who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
-- Alfred E. Wiggam
A conservative is a man
with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
A couch is as good as a chair.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-- B. Franklin
A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
A cousin of mine once said about money,
money is always there but the pockets change;
it is not in the same pockets after a change,
and that is all there is to say about money.
-- Gertrude Stein
A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
She was not oversexed,
Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A dead man cannot bite.
-- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
A debugged program is one for which you have
not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
-- Jerry Ogdin
A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
-- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
A diplomat is a man who can convince his
wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
-- Samuel Clemens
A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
-- Robert Frost
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell
in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
-- Adlai Stevenson
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
-- Ogden Nash
A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
Wished to foster an aura of menace.
To make people afraid
He wore gloves of grey suede
And white footgear intended for tennis.
-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
-- Klipstein
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
-- Publilius Syrus
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
she deserved.
-- R.A. Heinlein
A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
-- Winston Churchill
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
A baby-sitter I've never yet
Baby-sits -- Had letters let
But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
A batter bats
(Or scatters scats);
A potting shed's for potting;
But no one's found
A bounder bound
Or caught an otter otting.
-- Ralph Lewin
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
A fool and his money are soon popular.
A fool and your money are soon partners.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
-- G.B. Shaw
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
-- D. Gries
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A full belly makes a dull brain.
-- Ben Franklin
[and the local candy machine man. Ed]
A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
and that's how we'll do it now.
-- Dick Hamlet
A geneticist living in Delft
Scientifically played with himself,
And when he was done
He labled it: son,
And filed him away on a shelf.
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
-- Patton
A good reputation is more valuable than money.
-- Publilius Syrus
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
-- B. Franklin
A great many people think they are thinking
when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James
A guy has to get fresh once in a while
so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
brother and inquires after his pet.
"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
outside one day..."
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
A halted retreat
Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
To retain people as men -- and maidservants
Brings good fortune.
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
A handsome young rodent named Gratian
As a lifeguard became a sensation.
All the lady mice waved
And screamed to be saved
By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
A hearty young fellow named Yost
Once had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of the spasm
The poor ectoplasm
Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
A holding company is a thing where you hand
an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
A joker who haunts Monticello
Is really a terrible fellow.
In the midst of caresses
He fills ladies dresses
With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
-- Lao Tsu
A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
-- Lao Tsu
A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
Earthen vessels
Simply handed in through the window.
There is certainly no blame in this.
A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
A king's castle is his home.
A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
words are superfluous.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
-- Gopete Sherany
A language that doesn't affect the way you
think about programming is not worth knowing.
A language that doesn't have everything is
actually easier to program in than some that do.
-- D.M. Ritchie
A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
That is, they work by being declared to work.
-- Anatol Holt
A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
to the flypaper with all the other flies.
Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
-- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
A liberal is someone too poor to be a
capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
A lie in time saves nine.
A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
-- Aristotle
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
A linguist thought it a farce
That memory space was so sparse.
One day they increased it.
Said he as he seized it:
"At last! Enough core for the parse".
A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
-- Don Knuth
A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
-- Norman Mailer
A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
The bartender ignores him.
"Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
Still ignored.
"HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
-- H.H. Munro, "Saki"
A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
Buy the negatives at any price.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
A lovely young diver named Nancy,
Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
The fish of Bonaire,
Watched her Derriere,
And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
A lovely young maid from St. Jude
Once rode through the streets in the nude.
The police cried, "Whatam--
Agnificent bottom"
And slapped it as hard as they could.
A man always needs to remember one thing about
a pretty girl. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
"Is anybody there?"
A deep majestic voice answered,
"Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
"Help me!!" cried the man.
"I will help you", said the voice, "just let go of the branch and
you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
The man thought for a moment and cried out:
"Anybody ELSE up there?"
A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
"Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
disciples."
Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
A man is incomplete until he is married; then he's really finished.
A man is known by the company he organizes.
-- A. Bierce
A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
-- Samuel Johnson
A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
A man may well bring a horse to the water,
but he cannot make him drink with he will.
-- John Heywood
A man of genius makes no mistakes.
His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
A man said to the Universe:
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe,
"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane
A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
"Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
why did you Di......eeee"
The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
"Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
"No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
why....eeeee did you.."
"Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
Tell, me who is buried here?"
"My wife's first husband."
A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
-- Soren Kierkegaard
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never quite sure.
A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
-- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A man's gotta know his limitations.
-- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
A man's house is his castle.
-- Sir Edward Coke
A man's house is his hassle.
A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
"It is right before your eyes," said the master.
"Why do I not see it for myself?"
"Because you are thinking of yourself."
"What about you: do you see it?"
"So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
"When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
"When there is neither `I' nor `You',
who is the one that wants to see it?"
A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Mobius band was divine.
Said he, "If you glue
The edges of two,
You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
A meeting is an event at which the
minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
-- Leibnitz
A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
His customary dwelling place
Is deep within the human race.
His childish pride he often pleases
By giving people strange diseases.
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
You probably contain a germ.
-- Ogden Nash
A modem is a baudy house.
A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
-- Goldsmith
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
-- Frost
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
A musician, an artist, an architect:
the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
-- William Blake
A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
"If what?" asked the composer.
"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
A national debt, if it is not excessive,
will be to us a national blessing.
-- Alexander Hamilton
A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
I learn from my spies
He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
A new koan:
If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
It is an ice cream koan.
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
now has no excuse for further procrastination.
A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
-- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
machine worked.
A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
pornography.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
A penny saved has not been spent.
A penny saved is a penny taxed.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
-- Thackeray
A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
A person who is more than casually interested
in computers should be well schooled in machine
language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
-- Donald Knuth
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
-- George Wald
A pipe gives a wise man time to think
and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
edible nutriments.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
-- Jean Paul Sartre
A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
-- Walt Kelly
A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
-- Lazarus Long
A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
-- K. Brecher
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
And the Master answered:
It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
And that is Fate? said the priest.
Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know
what Freight was too.
-- Kehlog Albran
A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
-- George Eliot
A princess who lived near a bog
Met a prince in the form of a frog.
Now she and her prince
Are the parents of quints,
Four boys and one fine polliwog.
A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A programmer down in Moline
Said, I'm the match for any machine.
My secret's aversion,
To loops and recursion,
Just acres of in-line routine.
-- W.J. Wilson
A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
A programming language is low level
when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
A progressive professor named Winners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the vile and debased
Would not be held back by beginners.
A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
ticket and rejoices that the system works.
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
A relationship is like a shark - it has to keep moving forward or it dies.
Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
-- Woody Allen
A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all Heaven in a rage.
-- Blake
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
-- Publilius Syrus
A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
-- Max Planck
A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in conciousness
of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
ground.
-- J.W.N. Sullivan
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
-- Prof. Steiner
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
-- Joseph Stalin
A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
All tenderly his messenger he chose;
Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
One perfect rose.
I knew the language of the floweret;
"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
Love long has taken for his amulet
One perfect rose.
Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
-- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
A sinking ship gathers no moss.
-- Donald Kaul
A snake lurks in the grass.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
-- Proverbs 15:1
A soft drink turneth away company.
A software technician from Digital
Had hardware extremely prodigical.
It's rumoured, I hear,
That when he was near
He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg
that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
-- Mark Twain
A song in time is worth a dime.
A stitch in time saves nine.
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
-- O'Henry
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
the student with a stick.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
A successful tool is one
that was used to do something undreamed of by its author.
-- S.C. Johnson
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
A teenage protester named Lil
Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill
First they bugged our martinis,
Our bras and bikinis,
And now they are bugging the pill."
A thrice-married gal from L.A.
Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
The voyeur only gawked at it,
And my most recent man's a gourmet."
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything
but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce
A transistor protected by a fast-acting
fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
sitting in the yard watching the pig.
"That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
"Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
"Amazing!" the salesman exlaimed.
"And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
Saved my life."
"Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
three wooden legs?"
The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
-- Shaw
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
-- William Blake
A university is what a college becomes
when the faculty loses interest in students.
-- John Ciardi
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
-- Tenessee Williams
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
A violent man will die a violent death.
-- Lao Tsu
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
-- Ziggy
A watched clock never boils.
A well adjusted person is one who makes
the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
A well-known friend is a treasure.
A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
-- Addison
A wise man can see more from a mountain top
than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
A wise man can see more from the bottom
of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
-- Chinese proverb
A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
-- Scott
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
-- Jane Austen
A woman forgives the audacity of which
her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
-- LeSage
A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
she flies; fly from her, she follows.
-- Chamfort
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
-- Adolf Hitler
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
-- Stendhal
A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
-- Herodotus
A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."
A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
love, without virtue, without sex.
-- Balzac
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-- Gloria Steinem
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
A wonderful bird is the pelican.
His mouth can hold more than his belican.
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week.
I'm darned if I know how the helican.
A word to the wise is enough.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
A yawn is a silent shout.
-- G.K. Chesterton
A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
who my real friends are."
A young maiden from France was no prude,
She decided to dive in the nude,
But her buddy, behind,
Went out of his mind,
When he noticed where she was tatooed.
A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
ABSCOND:
To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
of a dying relative and miss the return train.
ABSENTEE:
A person with an income who has had the forethought
to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction.
ABSENT:
Exposed to the attacks of friends and
acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
ABSTAINER:
A weak person who yields to the
temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
ABSURDITY:
A statement or belief manifestly
inconsistent with one's own opinion.
ACADEMY:
A modern school where football is taught.
INSTITUTE:
An archaic school where football is not taught.
ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
ACCORDION:
A bagpipe with pleats.
ACCURACY:
The vice of being right.
ADA:
Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
an ADA awareness.
-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
ADMIRATION:
Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
ADOLESCENCE:
The stage between puberty and adultery.
ADORE:
To venerate expectantly.
ADULT:
One old enough to know better.
AFTERNOON:
That part of the day we spend worrying
about how we wasted the morning.
AIR:
A nutritious substance supplied by
a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
-- Ambrose Bierce
ALASKA:
A prelude to "No."
ALBRECHT'S LAW:
Social innovations tend to the level
of minimum tolerable well-being.
ALGORITHM:
Trendy dance for hip programmers.
ALL NEW:
Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
ALLIANCE:
In international politics, the union of two thieves who
have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets
that they cannot separately plunder a third.
ALONE:
In bad company.
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
AMBIDEXTROUS:
Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
AMBIGUITY:
Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
AMOEBIT:
Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
and divide at the same time.
ANDROPHOBIA:
Fear of men.
ANOINT:
To grease a king or other great
functionary already sufficiently slippery.
ANTONYM:
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
APHASIA:
Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
APL hackers do it in the quad.
APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
...and is best for educational purposes.
-- A. Perlis
APPENDIX:
A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
APPOINTMENT BOOK:
The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
it was you did during the past year.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
and over again. People think you are stupid.
AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
able to lend you a few bucks.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
very nice.
ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
ARITHMETIC:
An obscure art no longer practiced in
the world's developed countries.
ARMADILLO:
To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
ARMADILLO:
To provide weapons to a spanish pickle.
ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
ASCII:
The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
receive."
-- Robb Russon
ASS:
The masculine of "lass".
ATLANTA:
An entire city surrounded by an airport.
AUCTION:
A gyp off the old block.
AUTHENTIC:
Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
AUTOMOBILE:
A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
A-Z affectionately,
1 to 10 alphabetically,
from here to eternity without in betweens,
still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
sales talk from sales assistants
when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
love's on arrival,
she comes when she comes,
right on the target but wide of the mark...
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
About the only thing we have left that actually
discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
-- Herbert Hoover
Above all else - sky.
Above all things, reverence yourself.
Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
-- La Rochefoucauld
Absence in love is like water upon fire;
a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
-- Hannah More
Absence makes the heart forget.
Absence makes the heart go wander.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
-- Sextus Aurelius
Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
-- Stafford Beer
Academicians care, that's who.
Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
Accident:
A condition in which presence of mind is good,
but absence of body is better.
-- Foolish Dictionary
According to all the latest reports,
there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
According to experts, the oyster
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
May frequently be
Either he or a she
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
According to the latest official figures,
43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
Acquaintance:
A person whom we know well enough
to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Actor: I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
everyone glued in their seats!
Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
it!
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
N=1. Trivialy true, since both you and the elevator
only have one floor to go to.
Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
it is true for all N+1 floors.
QED.
Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
Adam's Law:
(1) Women don't know what they want;
they don't like what they have got.
(2) Men know very well what they want;
having got it, they begin to lose interest.
Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
-- Ovid
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
-- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
decorous age.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Adler's Distinction:
Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
and from the bureaucrats.
Adults die young.
Advancement in position.
Advertisements contain the only
truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
-- Thomas Jefferson
Advertising Rule:
In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
that it is curable.
Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
-- Mary Wells, advertising executive
Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand
and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean
security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't
promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
After all, all he did was string together
a lot of old, well-known quotations.
-- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
-- Jean Giraudoux
After all my erstwhile dear,
My no longer cherished,
Need we say it was not love,
Just because it perished?
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when
you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
-- Poul Anderson
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
After an instrument has been assembled,
extra components will be found on the bench.
After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
"This is true," He replied.
"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
"What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
"Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
his own."
It was so granted.
After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
"Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some
progress."
After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
-- Italian proverb
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
-- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
Nobel Prize in 1923.
After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
straight to the point.
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
name."
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
Against Idleness and Mischief
How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
-- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Age is a tyrant who forbids,
at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
Or what's a heaven for ?
-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
-- W. Clement Stone
Air Force Inertia Axiom:
Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
Air is water with holes in it.
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
-- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
-- Tom Robbins
Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
The surest poison is time.
-- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
Alden's Laws:
(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
of pregnancy.
(2) Always be backlit.
(3) Sit down whenever possible.
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
Alex Haley was adopted!
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about.
Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
important programming language yet developed.
-- T. Cheatham
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Alimony is a system by which, when two people
make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.
-- Peggy Joyce
Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
Alive without breath,
As cold as death;
Never thirsty, ever drinking,
All in mail ever clinking.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
-- Samuel Beckett
All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
All art is but imitation of nature.
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
All constants are variables.
All flesh is grass.
-- Isaiah
Smoke a friend today.
All generalizations are useless, including this one.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
-- Young
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really
expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National
Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip
if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
All heiresses are beautiful.
-- John Dryden
All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
-- Yoda
All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
-- Dante Alighieri
All is fear in love and war.
All is well that ends well.
-- John Heywood
All laws are simulations of reality.
-- John C. Lilly
All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
-- Dawkins
All men know the utility of useful things;
but they do not know the utility of futility.
-- Chuang-tzu
All men profess honesty as long as they can.
To believe all men honest would be folly.
To believe none so is something worse.
-- John Quincy Adams
All most people ask of life is a constant
and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
All my friends and I are crazy.
That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
All my friends are getting married,
Yes, they're all growing old,
They're all staying home on the weekend,
They're all doing what they're told.
All of the animals except man know that
the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
not use a hammer.
-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
-- Groucho Marx
All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
-- Susan Sontag
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the
part of every organism to live beyond its income.
-- Samuel Butler
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
-- Mark Twain
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
-- Ernest Rutherford
All seems condemned in the long run
to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
-- James Martin
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All that you touch, And all you create,
All that you see, And all you destroy,
All that you taste, All that you do,
All you feel, And all you say,
And all that you love, All that you eat,
And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
All you distrust, All that you slight,
All you save, And everyone you fight,
And all that you give, And all that is now,
And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
All that you buy, And all that's to come,
Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
in tune,
But the sun is eclipsed
By the moon.
There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
-- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
All the evidence concerning the universe
has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
Hello, operator, give me number nine,
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
-- Princess
All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
With all the words gone, They all had their day
What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
And all the lines read, So small and so tender
There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
It reminds me of days of So what is this line
Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
I've read all the greats
Both starving and fat,
But none was as great as
"I tot I taw a puddy tat."
-- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
-- Grant Wood
All the simple programs have been written.
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
-- Sean O'Casey
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white
collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
-- J. Feiffer
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
-- Henry Tyroon
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All warranty and guarantee clauses
become null and void upon payment of invoice.
All who joy would win Must share it --
Happiness was born a twin.
-- Lord Byron
All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
Allen's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
All's well that ends.
Almost anything derogatory you could say
about today's software design would be accurate.
-- K.E. Iverson
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
Always do right.
This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-- Mark Twain
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Always store beer in a dark place.
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
Always there remain portions of our heart
into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
Always think of something new; this
helps you forget your last rotten idea.
-- Seth Frankel
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- Charlie McCarthy
America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
-- Allen Ginsberg
America: born free and taxed to death.
America is the country where you buy a lifetime
supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
-- John O'Hara
American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
American cars are made shoddily...
Cars made overseas are far superior.
-- Sen. Barry Goldwater
American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently,
any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how
to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges
which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred
other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
greatest friction.
-- James Michener, "Space"
Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
Americans' greatest fear is that America
will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
-- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
-- A Chinese child
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
"Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
Bohr chuckled.
"I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
-- A.P. Herbert
An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
A manly man, to be a wizard able;
Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
His console, when he typed, a man might hear
Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
As old and strict he tended to ignore;
He let go by the things of yesterday
And took the modern world's more spacious way.
He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
And that a hacker underworked is a mere
Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
And I agreed and said his views were sound;
Was he to study till his head wend round
Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
As Andy bade and till the very soil?
Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
Let Andy have his labor to himself!
-- Chaucer
[well, almost. Ed.]
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
-- D.E. Knuth
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
-- Henry Wotton
An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
-- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
language.
An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
Saw sartorial changes ahead.
His mind kept on ringing
With fishy girls singing;
Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
-- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
An aphorism is never exactly true;
it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
-- Karl Kraus
An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
Display for selection
Three kinds of erection-
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
An artist who lived in Australia
Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The colour - divine,
The scent - ah, that was a failia.
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
-- Isaac Asimov
An attachment a la Plato
for a bashful young potato
or a, not too French, french bean
must excite your languid spleen.
For, if you walk down Picadilly
with a poppy or lily
in your medieval hand,
every one will say,
as you walk your flowery way;
"If this young man is content,
with a vegetable love
which would certainly not content me.
Why, what a very pure young man
this pure young man must be!"
-- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
[The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
-- Homer Ferguson
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have
been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
An evil mind is a great comfort.
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
-- Benjamin Stolberg
An expert is one who knows more and more about less
and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
An eye in a blue face
Saw an eye in a green face.
"That eye is like this eye"
Said the first eye,
"But in low place,
Not in high place."
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
An infallible method of concilliating a tiger
is to allow oneself to be devoured.
-- Konrad Adenauer
An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
-- Benjamin Franklin
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
-- Arthur Naiman
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
-- Don Marquis
An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
A pessimist is a married optimist.
Booker's Law:
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
-- Michael Korda
Anarchy may not be a better form of government,
but it's better than no government at all.
And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
them, aren't braced against them.
-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
And did those feet, in ancient times,
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the Holy Lamb of God
In England's pleasant pastures seen?
And did the Countenance Divine
Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark satanic mills?
Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!
I shall not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.
-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
And ever has it been known that
love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
-- Kahlil Gibran
And here I wait so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going thru all of these things twice
-- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
-- A.E. Housman
And miles to go before I sleep.
And now for something completely the same.
And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
hand...
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
And that's the way it is...
-- Walter Cronkite
And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
-- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
And the silence came surging softly backwards
When the plunging hooves were gone...
-- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
And this is good old Boston,
The home of the bean and the cod,
Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
And the Cabots talk only to God.
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
-- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."
And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
-- Charles Dickens
And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
And... What ever became of Sweet Jane?
She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
-- The Grateful Dead
Andrea's Admonition:
Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
it isn't and he can.
Anger is momentary madness.
-- Horace
Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
-- Lazarus Long
Another day, another dollar.
-- Vincent J. Fuller
[defense lawyer for John Hinckley, upon Hinckley's acquittal]
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the
greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to
record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the
husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
singer."
-- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
Another megabytes the dust.
Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
-- Pyrrhus
Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
3) You don't know. Neither does your boss.
4) Who cares?
5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it.
6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!!
7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
your toes.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
-- Charles McCabe
Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
Is there a better way to die?
-- Charles Lindbergh
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
-- Aesop
Any fool can paint a picture,
but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
Any fool can tell the truth,
but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
requires a heroism which is transcendent.
-- Henry Ward Beecher
Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
-- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
be deemed to be a cat.
-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
-- Harris's Law
Any president should have the right to shoot
at least two people a year without explanation.
-- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
-- Lazarus Long
Any program which runs right is obsolete.
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
-- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
Any small object that is accidentally
dropped will hide under a larger object.
Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur Clarke
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
sight of a police car is probably parked.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
-- Publilius Syrus
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes,
bathe and not make messes in the house.
-- Lazarus Long
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
-- Mark Twain
Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
-- Philippus Paracelsus
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
should on no account be allowed to do the job.
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Anything cut to length will be too short.
"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime."
"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
"That was the curious incident."
-- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it.
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
Anything is possible, unless it's not.
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
The label means the price went up.
The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
-- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
Appearances often are deceiving.
-- Aesop
April is the cruellest month...
-- Thomas Stearns Eliot
Are there those in the land of the brave
Who can tell me how I should behave
When I am disgraced
Because I erased
A file I intended to save?
Are we not men?
Are we running light with overbyte?
Are you making all this up as you go along?
Are you sure the back door is locked?
Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
or so pencils from marking the cloth?
Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
-- O. Wilde
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
-- Mickey Mouse
Armor's Axiom:
Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
Armstrong's Collection Law:
If the check is truly in the mail,
it is surely made out to someone else.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
first two laws.
Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
-- Muad'dib, "Dune"
Art is a jealous mistress.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
-- Picasso
Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
Arthur's Laws of Love:
1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
remind them of someone else.
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
of yourself in person.
Article the Third:
Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
Article the Fourth:
The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
Article the Fifth:
Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
-- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
-- J.F. Kennedy
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
As Will Rogers would have said,
"There is no such things as a free variable."
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Einstein
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
-- Weisert
As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
-- Frederic Reynolds
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
As in certain cults it is possible to
kill a process if you know its true name.
-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
-- Oscar Wilde
As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
Please update your programs.
As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
Please update your programs.
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
my own programs.
-- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
-- Woody Allen
As the trials of life continue to take their toll,
remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
-- Deteriorata
As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
proper time for chocolate.
-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
If God won't have you, the devil must.
Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
will pay only the station-to-station rate.
-- Howard Kandel
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
-- J.J. Gibson
Ask your boss to reconsider --
It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
-- John Stuart Mill
Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
-- D. Gries
Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
-- D. Winker and F. Prosser
At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
ignorance upon the shore.
-- Kahlil Gibran
At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
-- J.B. White
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
-- John Keats
At the end of all civilization
Is the planet Terminus's location.
There's a girl there whose feat,
Without stone or concrete,
Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
and no further activities are scheduled.
At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
The image of Providing Nourishment.
Thus the superior man is careful of his words
And temperate in eating and drinking.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
-- Peter G. Alaquon
At times discretion should be thrown aside,
and with the foolish we should play the fool.
-- Menander
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
-- Winston Churchill
Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
-- G.J. Danton
Auribus teneo lupum.
[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
Avec!
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
BACCHUS:
A convenient deity invented by the ancients
as an excuse for getting drunk.
BACHELOR:
A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
BACHELOR:
A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
BALLISTOPHOBIA:
Fear of bullets;
OTOPHOBIA:
Fear of opening one's eyes.
PECCATOPHOBIA:
Fear of sinning.
TAPHEPHOBIA:
Fear of being buried alive.
SITOPHOBIA:
Fear of food.
TRICHOPHOBIA:
Fear of hair.
VESTIPHOBIA:
Fear of clothing.
BALTIMORE:
A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
BAROMETER:
An ingenious instrument which indicates
what kind of weather we are having.
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
-- Seymour Papert
BASIC:
A programming language. Related to certain social diseases
in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
BELIEF:
Something you do not believe.
BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
BIRTH:
The first and direst of all disasters.
BORE:
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
BOSS:
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
ornamental stud."
BOSTON:
Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports
fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
BOY:
A noise with dirt on it.
BRAIN, v.: [as in "to brain"]
To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly;
to dispel a source of error in an opponent.
BRAIN:
The apparatus with which we think that we think.
BRIDE:
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
BRIEFCASE:
A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
BROAD-MINDEDNESS:
The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
BROKEE:
Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
BS: You remind me of a man.
B: What man?
BS: The man with the power.
B: What power?
BS: The power of voodoo.
B: Voodoo?
BS: You do.
B: Do what?
BS: Remind me of a man.
B: What man?
BS: The man with the power...
-- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
BUG:
An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
BUGS:
A son of a glitch.
BUREAUCRAT:
A politician who has tenure.
Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
-- Nicolas Chamfort
Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
Business before pleasure."
Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
-- Socrates
Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin bahdges!
-- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
A block grant is a solid mass of money
surrounded on all sides by governors.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
The hippo has no sting, but the wise
man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
Barker's Proof:
Proofreading is more effective after publication.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
-- Tom Lehrer
Basic Definitions of Science:
If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Basic is a high level languish.
Be a better psychiatrist and the world
will beat a psychopath to your door.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face.
-- Deteriorata
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
-- Homer
Be careful! Is it classified?
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
situations that can't bear inspection.
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
-- Derek Bok
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Be cheerful while you are alive.
-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
-- DeMaintenon
Be different: conform.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
Things won't get any better so get used to it.
Be independent.
Insult a rich relative today.
Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
-- Pope St. Gregory I
Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
Be sociable.
Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
Be valiant, but not too venturous.
Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
-- John Lyly
Beam me up, Scotty!
Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
-- Jean Anouilh
Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
-- John Keats
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
-- Redd Foxx
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
Because I do,
Because I do not hope,
Because I do not hope to survive
Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
Because I do, only do,
I continue...
-- T.S. Pynchon
Because the wine remembers.
Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us.
-- Henrik Tikkanen
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Been Transferred Lately?
Been through hell?
What did you bring back for me?
Been transferred lately?
Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
-- Addison H. Hallock
Before destruction a man's heart is
haughty, but humility goes before honour.
-- Psalms 18:12
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
replied.
"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
Before you ask more questions, think about
whether you really want to know the answers.
-- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
"Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
Beggars should be no choosers.
-- John Heywood
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
basket!"
-- Mark Twain
Behold the warranty -- the bold print
giveth and the fine print taketh away.
Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
better-looking and richer male friend.
-- R. Beifeld
Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
opposite applies with the judges.
-- Beyond the Fringe
Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
since it consists principally of dealings with men.
-- Conrad
Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
different from being stoned on gin.
-- Ralph Nader
Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
Ben, why didn't you tell me?
-- Luke Skywalker
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
(1) Houses are for people to live in.
(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut?
Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
Bershere's Formula for Failure:
There are only two kinds of people who fail:
those who listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
Better by far you should forget and
smile than that you should remember and be sad.
-- Christina Rossetti
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
around while you have your life in such a mess.
Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
Better late than never.
-- Titus Livius (Livy)
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
Better the prince of some inferior court,
Than second, or less, in beatific light.
-- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
-- motto of the Christopher Society
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
-- Mae West
Beware of Bigfoot!
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
-- Leonard Brandwein
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes,
and not rather a new wearer of clothes.
-- Henry David Thoreau
Beware of bugs in the above code;
I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
-- D. Knuth
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
Beware of geeks bearing graft.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Beware of strong drink. It can make you
shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds
himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous
resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their
ignorance the hard way."
-- Vonnegut
Beware the new TTY code!
Beware the one behind you.
Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
Mighty nice!
Big book, big bore.
-- Callimachus
Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
Bilbo's First Law:
You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
generation to generation?
Mom: Yes?
Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
Bing's Rule:
Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
Biology grows on you.
Biology is the only science in which
multiplication means the same thing as division.
Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
on the observer's movement in restaurants.
-- Douglas Adams
Biz is better.
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
They were just some of my tropical fish.
Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
Now I have many less tropical fish.
If you think that
Fish are peaceful
That's an empty wish.
Just dump them together
And leave them alone,
And soon you will have -- no fish.
-- To My Favorite Things
Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
She wants to hit those bricks,
'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
Blessed are the forgetful: for they
get the better even of their blunders.
-- Nietzsche
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
-- Alexander Pope
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
for he shall enjoy living.
-- W.C. Bennett
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
-- W.C. Bennett
Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
-- David Nichols
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
The judge's jokes are always funny.
Blue paint today.
[Funny only to Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
Blutarsky's Axiom:
Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
Boling's postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
Boren's Law's of the Bureaucracy:
1) When in doubt, mumble.
2) When in trouble, delegate.
3) When in charge, ponder.
-- James H. Boren
Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
on the same communications line connection.
-- Bell System Technical Reference
Boucher's Observation:
He who blows his own horn always plays the music
several octaves higher than originally written.
Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
-- Ralph Lewin
Bower's Law:
Talent goes where the action is.
Bowie's Theorem:
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
Boy! Eucalyptus!
Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
'Advanced Systems Development' group!
Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
Save your heart and let your body be enough,
To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
Save your heart and let your body be enough,
And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
-- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
which is all the time.
-- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize
them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can
solve it more easily by reducing it to the question,
"How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
Brain fried -- core dumped
Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
-- Charles Lamb
Break into jail and claim police brutality.
Breakfast sometime?
Sure.
Shall I call you or just nudge you?
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor
any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will
usually know what's wrong."
Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
Brigands will demand your money or
your life, but a woman will demand both.
-- Samuel Butler
Bringing computers into the home won't change
either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
-- NY Times
Brogan's Constant:
People tend to congregate in the back
of the church and the front of the bus.
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Build a system that even a fool can use
and only a fool will want to use it.
Building translators is good clean fun.
-- T. Cheatham
Bumper sticker:
All the parts falling off this car are
of the very finest British manufacture.
Bunker's Admonition:
You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
Bureau Termination, Law of:
When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
the number of employees in that bureau will double within
12 months after the decision is made.
Burke's Postulates:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
Bus error -- driver executed.
Business will be either better or worse.
-- Calvin Coolidge
But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
"Tell 'em I lied."
But I don't like Spam!!!!
But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
arrogance down.
-- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
But has any little atom,
While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
Ever stopped to think or CARE
That E = m c**2 ?
But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.
-- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
-- Leslie Stephen [Sketches from Cambridge]
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
-- Bruce Leverett,
"Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
But it does move!
-- Galileo Galilei
But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
-- Hilaire Belloc
But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
-- Mark "The Bard" Twain
But these pills can't be habit forming;
I've been taking them for years.
But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
Have I explained yet about the bytes?
But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
-- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
But you shall not escape my iambics.
-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
-- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
By doing just a little every day, you can
gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
By nature, men are nearly alike;
by practice, they get to be wide apart.
-- Confucius
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
as it is to invent.
-- R. Emerson
-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
(whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
[to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
-- Charles Spurgeon
By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
By the yard, life is hard.
By the inch, it's a cinch.
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
Another man's, I mean.
-- Mark Twain
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may
eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
-- Robert Frost
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Byte your tongue.
C for yourself.
C:
A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
it isn't.
CABBAGE:
A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable
about as large and wise as a man's head.
CALIFORNIA:
From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California,
"the land of hot sex."
-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
when you're poor and unhappy.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
recipients are Cancer people.
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
CAPRICORN (Dec.22 - Jan.19)
Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
CHARITY:
A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
CHASTITY BELT:
An anti-trust suit.
(And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
CHEMICALS:
Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
CHICAGO:
Where the dead still vote... early and often!
CHRIST:
A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
CHRISTMAS:
A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
response time of the entire year.
CHRISTMAS:
A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our
choice.
CIGARETTE:
A fire at one end, a fool at the other,
and a bit of tobacco in between.
CLEVELAND:
Where their last tornado did six
million dollars worth of improvements.
COBOL is for morons.
-- E.W. Dijkstra
COBOL:
An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
COBOL:
Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
COCAINE:
The thinking man's Dristan.
COLD:
When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
COLD:
When the politicians walk around
with their hands in their own pockets.
COLLABORATION:
A literary partnership based on the false
assumption that the other fellow can spell.
COLLEGE:
The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
COMMENT:
A superfluous element of a source program included so the
programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according
to those who think they aren't.
COMMITTMENT:
Committment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
-- J.N. Gray
COMPLIMENT:
When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
COMPUTER SCIENCE:
1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
precision of the former and the success of the latter.
2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
COMPUTER:
An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
CONCEPT:
Any "idea" for which an outside
consultant billed you more than $25,000.
CONFERENCE:
A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
he's already decided to do.
CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
A man who goes through life without a hitch.
CONFUSION:
One woman plus one left turn.
EXCITEMENT:
Two women plus one secret.
BEDLAM:
Three women plus one bargain.
CHAOS:
Four women plus one luncheon check.
CONSENT DECREE:
A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
never admitted to in the first place.
CONSULTANT:
(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
Calculator, Will Travel.
CONSULTANT:
An ordinary man a long way from home.
CONSULTANT:
[From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
(vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
"insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
and heavy wallet.
CONSULTANT:
Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
CONSULTANT:
Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
CONSULTATION:
Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
CONVERSATION:
A vocal competition in which the one who
is catching his breath is called the listener.
COPYING MACHINE:
A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously
coded messages, and makes duplicates for everyone
in the office who isn't interested in reading them.
CORONATION:
The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
CORRUPT:
In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
COWARD:
One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
CREDITOR:
A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
CRITIC:
A person who boasts himself hard to please
because nobody tries to please him.
CURSOR:
One whose program will not run.
-- Robb Russon
CYNIC:
A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the
Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
CYNIC:
Experienced.
CYNIC:
One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
Cahn's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
-- Fred Allen
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
-- Indian proverb
Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
-- Clarence Darrow
Camille's Axiom:
If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
Campbell's Law:
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Can anyone remember when the times
were not hard, and money not scarce?
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
Yes, work never begun.
Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
-- Robert J. Ringer
Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
-- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
and sex won't rot your teeth.
Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
Carson's Consolation:
Nothing is ever a complete failure.
It can always be used as a bad example.
Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
it some other time, Carrie."
She gave it up.
-- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
Carson's Observation on Footwear:
If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
Carswell's Corollary:
Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
Census Taker to Housewife:
Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something
Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out
of it?
Jaka: Oooh.
Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
-- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret"
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
Certainly the game is rigged.
Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
-- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
But it's very funny --
did you ever try buying them without money?
-- Ogden Nash
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
-- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la gare!
Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
-- Anatole France
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
race in general.
Chapter VIII
Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
Charity begins at home.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
Charlie was a chemist,
But Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
without having asked any clear question.
Chaste makes waste.
Chastity is its own punishment.
Chastity:
The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
-- Aldous Huxley
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Cheit's Lament:
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
the next time he's in need.
Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
Cheops' Law:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
Chess tonight.
Chicken Little was right.
Chicken Soup:
An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
-- Arthur Naiman
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
-- Ogden Nash
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
Chism's Law of Completion:
The amount of time required to complete a government project is
precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
Chocolate Chip.
Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
a friend if she were a man.
-- Joubert
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in
a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
Angels We Have Heard On High,
Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
Driving his reindeer across the sky,
Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
-- Tom Lehrer
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
-- Herodotus
Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
-- Calvin Coolidge
Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
-- Mark Twain
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
-- "Bugsy" Siegel
Clay's Conclusion:
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Cleveland?
Yes, I spent a week there one day.
Clones are people two.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Cohen's Law:
There is no bottom to worse.
Cohn's Law:
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Cold hands, no gloves.
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
-- H.L. Mencken
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%.
Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when
dealing with someone you're attracted to.
Grelb's Commentary:
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
Your winter garment of repentence fling.
The bird of time has but a little way
To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
-- Omar Khayyam
Come home America.
-- George McGovern, 1972
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to n,
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
-- The Cyberiad
Come live with me, and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
With silken lines, and silver hooks.
-- John Donne
Come live with me and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands and crystal brooks
With silken lines, and silver hooks.
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
If you would be my posslq.
You live with me, and I with you,
And you will be my posslq.
I'll be your friend and so much more;
That's what a posslq is for.
And everything we will confess;
Yes, even to the IRS.
Some day on what we both may earn,
Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
You'll share my life - up to a point!
And that you'll be so glad to do,
Because you'll be my posslq.
Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
-- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
-- Mae West
Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
Stop up the access and passage to remorse
That no compunctious visiting of nature
Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
Wherever in your sightless substances
You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
To cry `Hold, hold!'
-- Lady MacBeth
Coming together is a beginning;
keeping together is progress;
working together is success.
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-- Albert Einstein
Commoner's three laws of ecology:
1) No action is without side-effects.
2) Nothing ever goes away.
3) There is no free lunch.
Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
is in the eye of the beholder.
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
be enough.
-- Gene Scott
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
-- Gilb
Computers don't actually think.
You just think they think.
(We think.)
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
-- LaRouchefoucauld
Condense soup, not books!
Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
-- Josh Billings
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
-- Peter de Vries
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Conflicting research paradigms
Have legitimized various crimes.
The worst we can see
Is in psychology,
Measuring reaction times.
Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
Confucious say too damn much!
Confucius say too much.
-- Recent Chinese Proverb
Confusion will be my epitaph
as I walk a cracked and broken path
If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
-- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
hesitate to ask!
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
-- Shakespeare
Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
when everything else feels great.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
-- H.L. Mencken
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Conservative:
One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
-- Leo C. Rosten
Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
-- Josh Billings
Consultants are mystical people who ask a
company for a number and then give it back to them.
Continental Life. Why?
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
-- Lewis Carroll
Convention is the ruler of all.
-- Pindar
Conversation enriches the understanding,
but solitude is the school of genius.
Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.
This person must be fired.
Correspondence Corollary:
An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
-- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan
Corry's Law:
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
being easier to stake.
Counting in binary is just like counting
in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
-- Glaser and Way
Counting in octal is just like counting
in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
-- Tom Lehrer
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Courage is grace under pressure.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
-- Mark Twain
Courage is your greatest present need.
[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
-- Wernher von Braun
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
between adequacy and excellence.
Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
say it was obvious all along.
-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
If you are the first to know about something bad,
you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
regardless of your formal duties.
Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
-- A.E. Newman
Crinklaw's Observation:
Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
-- Zeuxis
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
-- Socrates' last words
Cropp's Law:
The amount of work done varies inversly
with the time spent in the office.
Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
much work has already been done on it.
Crush! Kill! Destroy!
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
Cure the disease and kill the patient.
-- Francis Bacon
Cutler Webster's Law:
There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
DALLAS:
The city that chose Astroturf to
keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
DATA:
An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
DATA:
Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
DAWN:
The time when men of reason go to bed.
DEADWOOD:
Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
DEATH WISH:
The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
DEATH:
To stop sinning suddenly.
-- Elbert Hubbard
DECISIONMAKER:
The person in your office who was unable
to form a task force before the music stopped.
DEFAULT:
The hardware's, of course.
DEJA VU:
French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
something actually being encountered for the first time.
Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
something actually being encountered for the first time.
DELETE A FORTUNE!
Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,
and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
DELIBERATION:
The act of examining one's bread
to determine which side it is buttered on.
DENVER:
A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
DESIGN:
What you regret not doing later on.
DIPLOMACY:
Lying in state.
DISBAR:
As distinguished from some other bar.
DISTRESS:
A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
DRUG:
A substance that, when injected into a rat,
produces a scientific paper.
Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
Sept 28 Blind Academy
Sept 30 World War I Veterans
Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
-- Raymond Chandler
Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
Damn, I need a Coke!
-- Dr. William DeVries
[after implanting the first artificial human heart]
Damn braces.
-- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
-- Princess Leia Organa
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Dave has an areoplane,
In which he likes to frisk.
Oh what a foolish boy,
His silly *.
Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
Davis's Dictum:
Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
DeVries' Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
the one you don't want hits the paper.
Dealing with failure is easy:
Work hard to improve.
Success is also easy to handle:
You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
-- C.N. Parkinson
Dear Ann Landers:
I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when
I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
sells narcotics.
I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love
this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her
about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
-- Confused.
Dear Ann Landers:
My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims
one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to
know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.
-- E.J. Mayfield
Dear Freshman,
You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
Dear Miss Manners:
I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
umbrella without seeming insulting?
Gentle Reader:
Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
before making your attack.
Dear Miss Manners:
My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
courses, is all right. Which is correct?
Gentle Reader:
For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
Dear Miss Manners:
Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
Gentle Reader:
Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If,
however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
pink tongue.
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
Yours faithfully,
Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
Sevenoaks
-- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
-- Erma Bombeck
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
-- R. Geis
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
Don't we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
-- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
-- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
that your life is more interesting than it really is.
-- C. Schultz
"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
-- Randy Davis
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
Delay is preferable to error.
-- Thomas Jefferson
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
-- Senator Soaper
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
-- G.B. Shaw
Democracy is also a form of worship.
It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
-- H.L. Mencken
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
of the people are right more than half of the time.
-- E.B. White
Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
forms that have been tried from time to time.
-- Winston Churchill
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
"NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
Dental health is next to mental health.
Dentist:
A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
pulls coins out of one's pockets.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
-- R.E. Shay
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
Desist from enumerating your fowl
prior to their emergence from the shell.
Despite all appearances, your boss
is a thinking, feeling, human being.
Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
Some do, some don't.
Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
-- Ed Sanders
Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
and slim chance mean the same thing?
Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Did you hear about the model who sat
on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
-- P.J. Plauger
Did you know the University of Iowa
closed down after someone stole the book?
Did you know....
That no-one ever reads these things?
Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
-- Lovin' Spoonful
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
-- John Barrymore's dying words
Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner
in the same room with them, then they even shoved a fork in
a victim's stomach. Wild!
-- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
-- Don Vonada
Dime is money.
Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
1 carton milk
Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
-- Daniele Vare
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-- Wynn Catlin
Disc space -- the final frontier!
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
-- Chinese proverb
Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
-- Euripides
Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
As human gods aim for their mark,
Make everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much is really sacred.
Disk crisis, please clean up!
Disks travel in packs.
Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
but it does make you part of a larger picture.
Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
Do YOU have redeeming social value?
Do clones have navels?
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Do married women make the best wives?
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
-- Aesop
Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
of them ever committed suicide.
-- Henry David Thoreau
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
Their tastes may not be the same.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
-- Robert Heinlein
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
for they become soggy and hard to light.
Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not overtax your powers.
Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
-- DeGourmont
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
Do not seek death; death will find you.
But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
-- Dag Hammarskjold
Do not simplify the design of a program if a way
can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
learn to dread each day as it comes.
-- Donald Kaul
Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
Do not worry about which side your
bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
Do, or do not; there is no try.
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
Do unto others before they undo you.
Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Do what you can to prolong your life,
in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
Can you see your neck?
Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
-- Garfield
Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
to think at all.
-- T.H. White
Do you know Montana?
Do you suffer painful elimination?
-- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
Do you suffer painful recrimination?
-- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
Do you suffer painful illumination?
-- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
Do you suffer painful hallucination?
-- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
Do you think your mother and I should have lived
comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
-- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
Do your part to help preserve life on
Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very,
very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
Or is Vaseline better?
Does it rape elephants?
-- Brent Byer
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
Doing gets it done.
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
Don
Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
Was she pretty?
W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
W.C.: It's almost impossible.
-- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
Don't I know you?
Don't Worry, Be Happy.
-- Meher Baba
Don't abandon hope.
Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
-- Golda Meir
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't
be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
Don't confuse things that need action
with those that take care of themselves.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
-- Firesign Theatre
Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
Their tastes may not be the same.
-- G.B. Shaw
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
Don't eat yellow snow.
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
Don't everyone thank me at once!
-- Han Solo
Don't expect people to keep in step--
it's hard enough just staying in line.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
-- Anthony
Don't get mad, get interest.
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't get to bragging.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-- Mark Twain
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
-- Baretta
Don't guess - check your security regulations.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
-- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
Don't let your status become too quo!
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
-- Scottish Proverb
Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
Don't plan any hasty moves.
You'll be evicted soon anyway.
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
Don't quit now, we might just as well
lock the door and throw away the key.
Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
-- P. Skelly
Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
-- Watchman Examiner
Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
-- Lazarus Long
Don't vote - it only encourages them!
Don't wake me up too soon...
Gonna take a ride across the moon...
You and me.
Don't worry. Life's too long.
-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
-- Howard Aiken
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
-- Charles Schultz
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
you can always take something for it.
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
want to help you could agree with each other?
Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
Dope will get you through times of no money
better than money will get you through times of no dope!
-- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers"
Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
without brains do an awful lot of talking.
-- The Wizard of Oz
Double!
Double Bucky, you're the one,
You make my keyboard so much fun,
Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
Control and meta, side by side,
Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
Oh, I sure wish that I,
Had a couple of bits more!
Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
OR'd together, outta sight!
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
-- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
Down with the categorical imperative!
Dow's Law:
In a hierarchical organization,
the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
luxury that you never feel hungry.
Here's how the diet works:
FOODS ALLOWED
First Month: One egg
Second Month: A raisin
Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
"I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
-- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
Draft beer, not people.
Drakenberg's Discovery:
If you can't seem to find your glasses,
it's probably because you don't have them on.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield
lands directly in front of your eyes.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drinking is not a spectator sport.
-- Jim Brosnan
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
Drop that pickle!
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
-- The Adventurer
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Ducharme's Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
Duckies are fun!
Ducks? What ducks??
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-- Carl Zwanzig
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
production of great leaders has been discontinued.
Due to circumstances beyond your control,
you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.
Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
at mine, over there."
During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down
several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~
{o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
and fly your colors proudly.
Duty, n:
What one expects from others.
-- Oscar Wilde
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice
to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
-- W. Somerset Maughm
E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
E Pluribus UNIX.
Egotism, n:
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
Egotist, n:
A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
Electrocution, n:
Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Elephant, n:
A mouse built to government specifications.
Elliptical, n:
The feel of a kiss.
Engram, n:
1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
time.]
-- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
Entreprenuer, n:
A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
Envy, n:
Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
instead of having to try and acquire one.
Erogenous zone, n:
The skin you touch to love.
E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
Etymology, n:
Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
hard to swallow."
-- Mike Kellen
Expense accounts, n:
Corporate food stamps.
Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
Each of us bears his own Hell.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
Early to rise and early to bed makes
a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
-- James Thurber
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.
-- Jeff Berner
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.
Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
-- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
Easy come and easy go,
some call me easy money,
Sometimes life is full of laughs,
and sometimes it ain't funny
You may think that I'm a fool
and sometimes that is true,
But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
with or without you.
-- Hoyt Axton
Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
Economists are still trying to figure out why the
girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to
remember that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
-- Oscar Wilde
Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
-- B.F. Skinner
Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie,
The spirits are about to speak...
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
-- Adlai Stevenson
Ego sum ens omnipotens
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
-- Bellamy Brooks
Ehrman's Commentary:
1. Things will get worse before they get better.
2. Who said things would get better?
Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
-- Chinese Proverb
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
Eisenhower was very nice,
Nixon was his only vice.
-- C. Degen
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
-- Groucho Marx' last words
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
Elegance and truth are inversely related.
-- Becker's Razor
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
"Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
Half asleep, Eli murmured,
"Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
Eloquence is logic on fire.
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
for it.
Encyclopedia for sale by father.
Son knows everything.
Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
Endless the quest;
I turn again, back to my own beginning,
And here, find rest.
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Entropy requires no maintenance.
-- Markoff Chaney
Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
-- Onasander
Enzymes are things invented by biologists
that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
-- Jerome Lettvin
Equal bytes for women.
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
Eschew obfuscation.
Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
-- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
-- Woody Allen
Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
fashion for those with no taste.
Eureka!
-- Archimedes
Even God cannot change the past.
-- Joseph Stalin
Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
-- Menander
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
Even if you do learn to speak correct
English, whom are you going to speak it to?
-- Clarence Darrow
Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
-- Aristophanes
Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
A fairer summer and a later fall
Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
I tell you this across the blackened vine.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment o
Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
-- Kehlog Albran
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
(Tell mate you have to work late.)
Events are not affected, they develop.
-- Sri Aurobindo
Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
We're big but bigger we will be,
We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
Has been our aim.
Our products now are known in every zone.
Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
We've fought our way thru
And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
For the Ever Onward IBM!
-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
We're bound for the top to never fall,
Right here and now we thankfully
Pledge sincerest loyalty
To the corporation that's the best of all
Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
Let's show the world just what we think of them!
So let us sing men -- Sing men
Once or twice, then sing again
For the Ever Onward IBM!
-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
Ever get the feeling that the world's
on tape and one of the reels is missing?
-- Rich Little
Ever notice that even the busiest people are
never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
Because newspapers are read too.
Two and Two is four.
Four and four is eight.
Eight and four is twelve.
There are twelve inches in a ruler.
Queen Mary was a ruler.
Queen Mary was a ship.
Ships sail the sea.
There are fishes in the sea.
Fishes have fins.
The Fins fought the Russians.
Russians are red.
Fire engines are always rush'n.
Therefore fire engines are red.
Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
question."
[actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
Every cloud engenders not a storm.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Every cloud has a silver lining;
you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not
a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it
is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
-- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953
Every harlot was a virgin once.
-- William Blake
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
-- Don Vonada
Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
Every man takes the limits of his own field
of vision for the limits of the world.
-- Schopenhauer
Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
-- Barrie
Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
Every nation has the government it deserves.
-- Joseph De Maistre
Every night my prayers I say,
And get my dinner every day;
And every day that I've been good,
I get an orange after food.
The child that is not clean and neat,
With lots of toys and things to eat,
He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
Or else his dear papa is poor.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
-- Morris Kline
Every path has its puddle.
Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
Every program has (at least) two purposes:
the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Every successful person has had failures
but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
Every time you manage to close the door on
Reality, it comes in through the window.
Every why hath a wherefore.
-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
-- Beckett
Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
"Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
you're fired. As of right now."
Sam signed the papers immediately.
"Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
couldn't have signed earlier?"
"Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
clearly before."
Everybody has something to conceal.
-- Humphrey Bogart
Everybody is somebody elses weirdo.
-- Dykstra
Everybody needs a little love sometime;
stop hacking and fall in love!
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone is in the best seat.
-- John Cage
Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
-- Rudyard Kipling
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us
to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking
the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon:
the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were
all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
different way...
Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Everything in this book may be wrong.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Everything is controlled by a small evil group
to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
Everything might be different in the present
if only one thing had been different in the past.
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein
Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
-- Erwin Tomash
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Everything you know is wrong!
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There
are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
straight lines.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
Everyone is looking for the answer,
Well look again.
-- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
Evolution is a million line computer
program falling into place by accident.
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.
-- C.C. Colton
Excellent day for drinking heavily.
Spike the office water cooler.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
-- Miller
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents
moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
-- W. Somerset Maugham
Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
-- Marcus Aurelius
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
Expedience is the best teacher.
Experience is not what happens to you;
it is what you do with what happens to you.
-- Aldous Huxley
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-- F.P. Jones
Experience is the worst teacher. It always
gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
Experience is what causes a person
to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Experience, n:
Something you don't get until just after you need it.
-- Olivier
Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
External Security:
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
Fairy tale:
A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Faith, n:
That quality which enables us to
believe what we know to be untrue.
Fakir, n:
A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
Female rabbits:
The gift that just "keeps on giving."
Fidelity, n:
A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
File cabinet:
A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
Fishbowl, n:
A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
promoted managers are kept for observation.
FLASH!
Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
Foolproof Operation:
No provision for adjustment.
FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
Forecast, n:
A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
Forgetfulness, n:
A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
FORTH IF HONK THEN
FORTRAN is a good example of a language
which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
-- D. Gries
[What's good about it? Ed.]
FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
-- A.J. Perlis
FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
-- Steven Feiner
FORTRAN rots the brain.
-- John McQuillin
FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is
hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have
in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive
to use.
-- E.W. Dijkstra
[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
probably for at least the next decade.
-- T. Cheatham
Friends, n:
People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
People who know you well, but like you anyway.
FROM THE DESK OF
Dorothy Gale
Auntie Em:
Hate you.
Hate Kansas.
Taking the dog.
Dorothy
F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway:
"Yes. They have more money."
Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
-- Sven Italla
Facts are the enemy of truth.
-- Don Quixote
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
-- Aldous Huxley
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
-- Sir Walter Raleigh
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
Fall not in love; it will stick to your face.
-- Deteriorata
Falling in love is a lot like dying.
You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Mark Twain
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
-- Su Tung-p'o
Famous last words:
Famous last words:
1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
4: We won't need reservations.
5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
8: Don't worry! Women love it!
Famous last words:
1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
2: You and what army?
3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
be a cop.
5: I don't see how they make a profit
out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
6: We're just getting into semantics again.
7: Everything's under control.
8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me!
"Fantasies are free."
"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western
Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this
at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly
insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are
so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty
neat idea.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated
machinery breakdowns more stressful than divorce.
-- Wall Street Journal
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable
that we have to alter it every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
-- Victor Hugo
Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
-- Han Solo
Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
-- Bill Cosby
Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
Fats Loves Madelyn.
Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
-- H.S. Thompson
Fear is the greatest salesman.
-- Robert Klein
Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
disadvantaged.
Feel disillusioned?
I've got some great new illusions, right here!
Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
yours to the bottom of the list.
Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
didn't have any children, neither will you.
Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
basic difference between robots and humans?
Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
-- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
-- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Finagle's Creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Finagle's Eighth Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Ninth Law:
No matter what results are expected,
someone is always willing to fake it.
Finagle's Tenth Law:
No matter what the result someone
is always eager to misinterpret it.
Finagle's Eleventh Law:
No matter what occurs, someone believes
it happened according to his pet theory.
Finagle's First Law:
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Finagle's Second Law:
Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
Finagle's Fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up,
anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Finagle's Fifth Law:
Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
Finagle's Sixth Law:
Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Finagle's Law:
The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
Finagle's Seventh Law:
The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
Finagle's Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Corollaries:
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself --
historians merely repeat each other.
First law of debate:
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
First rule of public speaking.
First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
then tell 'em;
then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional,
Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional,
Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original.
Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer,
You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight,
Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate!
Doin' the Vatican Rag.
So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen,
Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman,
Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya,
Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
-- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
-- Adolfo Guzman
Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
Yes, I'm goin' insane,
And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
Yes, and goin' insane,
You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
(chorus)
-- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
Five rules for eternal misery:
1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
how much better things might have been or how much worse
things might become).
5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
follow the first four rules.
Flame on!
-- Johnny Storm
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the Mobius strip;
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
-- Josh Billings
Flattery will get you everywhere.
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
-- Helen Rowland
Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in
which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Flugg's Law:
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself
to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno
gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final
appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
Mr. Joe Gideon!!
-- All That Jazz
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
-- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
but with break of day I went to make supplication.
-- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie.
For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy.
For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael.
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
For a light heart lives long.
-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
For adult education nothing beats children.
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
For courage mounteth with occasion.
-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-- Harrison
For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
-- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be
replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the
alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch'
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling,
so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j'
anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai
Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez
'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
-- Alexander Pope
For good, return good.
For evil, return justice.
For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
implacable grandeur of this life.
-- Albert Camus
For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
-- Sir Thomas More
For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
and bad music may be put on record forever.
-- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
For people who like that kind of book,
that is the kind of book they will like.
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
`Canada'. Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
-- Jehan Shuman
For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
This gives me great hope for the human race.
-- Harlan Ellison
For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
For they starve the frightened little child
Till it weeps both night and day:
And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
And gibe the old and grey,
And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
And none a word may say.
Each narrow cell in which we dwell
Is a foul and dark latrine,
And the fetid breath of living Death
Chokes up each grated screen,
And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
In Humanity's machine.
And all men kill the thing they love,
By all let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword.
-- Oscar Wilde
For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
spend my evenings?"
-- Chamfort
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
-- Abraham Lincoln
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
-- Justin Richardson.
Force has no place where there is need of skill.
-- Herodotus
"Force is but might," the teacher said--
"That definition's just."
The boy said naught but thought instead,
Remembering his pounded head:
"Force is not might but must!"
Force it!!!
If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
-- Robert Frost
Forgive and forget.
-- Cervantes
Forgive him,
for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
-- G.B. Shaw
Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
Fortune and love befriend the bold.
-- Ovid
Fortune favors the lucky.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
Cowboy cheerleaders.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
Juliet, this bud's for you.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
you've made happy.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
Try:
ar t "God"
drink < bottle (Bourne Shell)
cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
mkdir matter;cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
make "the perfect dry martini"
!!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell)
Fortune's Exercising Truths:
1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
you twitter around in your chair.
6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
followed by one throw-up.
9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
August 27, 1949:
A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars
Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do
you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you
don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
rational discussion. (See above.)
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars
Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
3: When replying to one of your own memos.
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars
The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the
final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
the author of that memo:
1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose
memos are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
3: something unpleasant.
The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern
electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
Fortune's current rates:
Answers .10
Long answers .25
Answers requiring thought .50
Correct answers $1.00
Dumb looks are still free.
Fortune's diet truths:
1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
appealing as tepid beer.
6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
it isn't.
8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
swallowing.
Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
having to artifically propogate oysters and clams."
Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
fertilization."
Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
"Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
"of course you know what 'it' means."
"I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
-- Inventory
Four hours to bury the cat?
Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary:
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
study for that instructor's course.
Fourth Law of Revision:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
for you.
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
-- Camus
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.
War is peace.
-- George Orwell
Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
Fresco's Discovery:
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
Friction is a drag.
Fried's 1st Rule:
Increased automation of clerical function
invariably results in increased operational costs.
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a
real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck.
From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
That is the point that must be reached.
-- F. Kafka
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
-- Bertolt Brecht
From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanskgiving,
Whatever gods may be,
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
-- Swinburne
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
Function reject.
Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
GARTER:
An elastic band intended to keep a woman
from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
in it today, either.
GENEALOGY:
An account of one's descent from an ancestor
who did not particularly care to trace his own.
-- Ambrose Bierce
GENIUS:
A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright.
GENIUS:
Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
all the right things to all the right people.
GEORGIA:
Where kinky sex means getting laid.
GIVE UP!!!!
GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
GOD:
Darwin's chief rival.
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
GRASSHOPPOTAMUS:
A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
GRAVITY:
What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917
On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought
them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from
his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
men stood lookout.
GUILLOTINE:
A French chopping center.
GURU:
A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
Garbage In - Gospel Out.
Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
-- Adventures of Asterix
Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the
harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it?
Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
individuals and then grow....
Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?
I think not, my friend, I think not.
-- Arthur Naiman
"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
extracurricular activity except you."
"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
"Only to ten, Mudhead."
General notions are generally wrong.
-- Lady M.W. Montagu
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
Genetics explains why you look like your father,
and if you don't, why you should.
Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
-- Owen Meredith
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
-- Thomas Alva Edison
Genius is pain.
-- John Lennon
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
-- Elbert Hubbard
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
-- Mae West
Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
George Orwell was an optimist.
George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
"Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
"Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
"Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
gonna get on Labor Day."
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3) The energy required to change either one of these states
will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
much as to make the task totally impossible.
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
-- Dylan Thomas
Getting into trouble is easy.
-- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
Lean closer.
Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
Smile at her *knowingly*.
Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side.
Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two.
Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
Look sincere.
"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
God's gift to women strikes again.
-- J. Feiffer
Gilbert's Discovery:
Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
Ginger Snap
Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
Theorem. To wit:
1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
certain curvilinear properties.
-- Ashley Montagu
Girls who throw themselves at men,
are actually taking very careful aim.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
Give him an evasive answer.
Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
Give me a fish and I will eat today.
Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
-- St. Augustine
Give me libertines or give me meth.
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
Give me your students, your secretaries,
Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
I lift my disk beside the processor.
-- Inscription on a Word Processor
Give thought to your reputation.
Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Give your very best today.
Heaven knows it's little enough.
Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
-- William Faulkner
Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
Given sufficient time, what you put
off doing today will get done by itself.
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
some useful work done.
Gloffing is a state of mine.
Go ahead... make my day.
-- Dirty Harry
Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
logout
Go climb a gravity well.
Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go
into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this
morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to
start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy.
-- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember
what value there may be in owning a piece thereof.
-- Deteriorata
Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
but quickly to their misfortunes.
-- Chilo
Go to a movie tonight.
Darkness becomes you.
Go 'way! You're bothering me!
Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
-- Wally Shawn
God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
God created woman.
And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
but many other things ceased as well.
Woman was God's second mistake.
-- Nietzsche
God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed
around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
God gave man two ears and one tongue so
that we listen twice as much as we speak.
-- Arab proverb
God gives burdens; also shoulders.
Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
-- Arthur Naiman
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
-- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
-- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
God helps them that helps themselves.
-- B. Franklin
God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
but by pains and contradictions.
-- De Caussade
God is Dead.
-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead.
-- God
Nietzsche is God.
-- Dead
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
God is a polythiest.
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No
checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
-- Lazarus Long
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
other things.
-- Pablo Picasso
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
-- Alfred Jarry
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
-- Kronecker
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
-- Albert Einstein
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
(chorus) (chorus)
We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
(chorus) (chorus)
And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
Won't ruin your whole day.
You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
(chorus)
-- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
God votes Republican.
God's plan made a hopeful beginning
But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
We trust that the story
Will end in God's glory
But at present, the other side's winning.
Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
is fatal to a virgin.
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
Goldenstern's Rules:
1. Always hire a rich attorney.
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
Gold's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Gomme's Laws:
(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
(2) Time accelerates.
(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
Good advice is something a man gives
when he is too old to set a bad example.
-- La Rouchefoucauld
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Good day for business affairs.
Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
Good day to deal with people in high places;
particularly lonely stewardesses.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
Good judgement comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad judgement.
-- Jim Horning
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
Good night to spend with family,
but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
-- George Saunders' dying words
Goodbye, cool world.
Gordon's Law:
If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
-- Lao Tsu
Government's Law:
There is an exception to all laws.
Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
board.
-- Princess Leia Organa
Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
Graduate students and most professors are
no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
[I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
Gravity brings me down.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Gray's Law of Programming:
'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
Great American Axiom:
Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
Great acts are made up of small deeds.
-- Lao Tsu
Great spirits have always encountered
violent opposition from mediocre minds.
-- A. Einstein
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
Green light in A.M. for new projects.
Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
Grelb's Reminder:
Eighty percent of all people consider
themselves to be above average drivers.
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
-- Mark Twain
Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
universe while straddling a giant worm.
-- Arnold Klein
Grub first, then ethics.
-- Bertolt Brecht
Gumperson's Law:
The probability of a given event
occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
(1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
(2) The strength of the turbulence
is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
HACKER:
Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
Hacker's Fight Song
He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
He's a guy with the happy knack!
Never bungles, never shirks,
Always gets his stuff to work!
All take a drink (important!)
HALF-DONE:
This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
difference between life and death.
You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
-- Arthur Naiman
HAND:
A singular instrument worn at the end of a human
arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
HANGOVER:
The wrath of grapes.
HAPPINESS:
An agreeable sensation arising
from contemplating the misery of another.
HAPPINESS:
Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
HARD:
The quality of your own data; also how
it is to believe those of other people.
HARDWARE:
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
HATRED:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
Details at 11.
HEAVEN:
A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
you expound your own.
HEAVY:
Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
HELL:
Truth seen too late.
HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
-- Walt Kelley
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
these words were spoken.
HIGH TECHNOLOGY:
A California innovation composed
of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
HIPPOGRIFF:
An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.
The study of zoology is full of surprises.
H.L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do.
Those who can't -- teach.
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
[No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
HOLY MACRO!
HONEYMOON:
A short period of doting between dating and debting.
-- Ray C. Bandy
HONORABLE:
Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable;
as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
the ceiling(3m).
"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hacker's Quicky #313:
Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
Microwave Egg Roll
Chocolate Milk
Hackers of the world, unite!
"Had he and I but met But ranged as infantry,
By some old ancient inn, And staring face to face,
We should have sat us down to wet I shot at him as he at me,
Right many a nipperkin! And killed him in his place.
I shot him dead because -- He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
Because he was my foe, Off-hand-like -- just as I --
Just so: my foe of course he was; Was out of work -- had sold his traps
That's clear enough; although No other reason why.
Yes; quaint and curious war is!
You shoot a fellow down
You'd treat, if met where any bar is
Or help to half-a-crown."
-- Thomas Hardy
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
Hail to the sun god
He's such a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
Hale Mail Rule, The:
When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
one of the following:
(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
(b) Stationery.
(c) Postage stamp.
(d) The letter you are answering.
Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
Hall's Laws of Politics:
(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
something fixed.
(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
military spending, and conservatives social spending in
their own districts).
Handel's Proverb:
You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
-- Pink Floyd
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice
that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanson's Treatment of Time:
There are never enough hours in a day,
but always too many days before Saturday.
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
Happiness is a hard disk.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
-- Ogden Nash
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
Happiness is the greatest good.
Happiness is twin floppies.
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
-- Oscar Levant
Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
Happy feast of the pig!
Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
-- Daniel Dennett
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
Hark,Hark,the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
-- The Thirteen Clocks
Harp not on that string.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Harriet's Dining Observation:
In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
equipment ruined.
Harris's Lament:
All the good ones are taken.
Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
"Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
Harry and Fred were playing their sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
you know."
Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
the gun on himself!"
"Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
have been worse?"
"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
dead now."
Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
with all that pep and vitality.
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
get him to float on his back, you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Harvard Law:
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
organism will do as it damn well pleases.
Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us
not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
Haste makes waste.
-- John Heywood
Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
Hate the sin and love the sinner.
-- Mahatma Gandhi
Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
-- Mike Royko
Have a coke and a smile!
-- John DeLorean
Have a nice day!
Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
Have a place for everything and keep the thing
somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
-- Mark Twain
Have a taco.
-- P.S. Beagle
Have at you!
Have no friends not equal to yourself.
-- Confucius
Have the courage to take your own thoughts
seriously, for they will shape you.
-- Albert Einstein
Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
halfway between an oven and a pasture?
walking in a trance toward a pregnant
seventeen-year-old housewife's
two-day-old cookbook?
-- Richard Brautigan
Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
remain so.
-- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
never find the time for play?
Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we
got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our
attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
thought of this...
Have you flogged your kid today?
Have you locked your file cabinet?
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
Like some bright erotic star,
He lights up the proceedings,
And raises the temperature.
-- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
How can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand
Lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
...
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
Or umberellas, in their mitts,
Puttin' on the Ritz.
...
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
-- Socrates
Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
dog, too!"
Hawkeye's Conclusion:
It's not easy to play the clown
when you've got to run the whole circus.
He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
He dove down overweighted with lead.
Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
He flapped and he flailed,
Spit his hose and he wailed,
Swallowed water and found himself dead.
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
finer than the staple of his argument.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
He grabbed me by my slender neck,
I could not call or scream.
He dragged me to his tiny room,
Where we could not be seen.
He tore away my filmy wrap,
And gazed upon my form.
I so cold and frightened,
While he so strong and warm.
He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
I gave him every drop.
He drained me of my very self,
I could not make him stop!
And that is why you see me here,
An empty, broken bottle of beer...
He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
right now."
"I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
all hope of ever behaving "normally."
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
-- Oscar Wilde
He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
-- Bion
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
He is considered a most graceful speaker
who can say nothing in the most words.
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
-- Mark Twain
He is the best of men who dislikes power.
-- Mohammed
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
-- Sir Richard Burton
He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold this tongue.
-- Andrew Lang
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
-- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
-- Scottish proverb.
He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
-- B. Franklin
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
He thought he saw an albatross
That fluttered 'round the lamp.
He looked again and saw it was
A penny postage stamp.
"You'd best be getting home," he said,
"The nights are rather damp."
He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
-- Eric Van Lustbader
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
He was part of my dream, of course --
but then I was part of his dream too.
-- Lewis Carroll
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
He who Laughs, Lasts.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
-- Balzac
He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
-- Sinbad
He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who hates vices hates mankind.
He who hesitates is last.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
He who invents adages for others to peruse
takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
senses until the day of judgement.
-- Saadi
He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news.
-- Bertolt Brecht
He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
-- Lao Tsu
He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
he knows something. Or something like that.
He who knows others is wise.
He who knows himself is enlightened.
-- Lao Tsu
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
-- Lao Tsu
He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
He who laughs, lasts.
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
He who loses, wins the race,
And parallel lines meet in space.
-- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
-- Dr. Johnson
He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
He who slings mud generally loses ground.
-- Adlai Stevenson
He who slings mud loses ground.
-- Chinese Proverb
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
-- Howard Kandel
He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
-- Sinbad
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
-- M.C. Escher
He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
education and culture.
-- Julia Norton McCorkle
He: Do you like Kipling?
She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
She: "What do you want me to yell?"
-- Benny Hill
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Heard about the man who never worried about his marriage until he
moved from New York to California and discovered that he still had
the same mailman?
Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
-- The Wizard of Oz
Heisenberg may have been here.
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
-- Milton Friedman
Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
-- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Johnson's Corollary:
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.
Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
don't hear your girl screaming any more?
Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
Hell's broken loose.
-- Robert Greene
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
Hempstone's Question:
If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
Upon some stars bestowed her name.
But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
I've been caught inside this trap too many times
I must've walked these steps and said these words a
thousand times before
It seems like I know everybody's lines.
-- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
Here I sit, broken-hearted,
All logged in, but work unstarted.
First net.this and net.that,
And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
The boss comes by, and I play the game,
Then I turn back to net.flame.
Is there a cure (I need your views),
For someone trapped in net.news?
I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth...
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
Here in my heart, I am Helen;
I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
I'm Salome, moon of the East.
Here in my soul I am Sappho;
Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
I'm all of the glamorous ladies
At whose beckoning history shook.
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
So I stay at home with a book.
-- Dorothy Parker
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
if you're alive, it isn't.
Here there by tygers.
Here's to women. Would that we could fall
into her arms without falling into her hands.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Herth's Law:
He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
He's been like a father to me,
He's the only DJ you can get after three,
I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
And why he don't like me I don't understand.
-- The Byrds
He's dead, Jim.
He's got the heart of a little child,
and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
Hewett's Observation:
The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
peers similarly engaged.
Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
"Whattaya need?"
"Oh, about $500."
"Whattaya got for collateral?"
"Whattaya need?"
"How about an eye?"
-- Sam Giancana
Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
To get a little more stack;
If that's not enough then you lose it all
And have to pop all the way back.
Hi! How are things going?
(just fine, thank you...)
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
(you just asked one...)
Well, how about one more?
(one more than the first one?)
Yes.
(you already asked that...)
[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
May I ask two questions, sir?
(no.)
May I ask ONE then?
(nope...)
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
(yes, you may.)
Sir, how may I ask you a question?
(you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
next one)
Sir, may I ask nine questions?
(go right ahead...)
Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
You wanna help on the audit now?
Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
Hickery Dickery Dock,
The mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
The others escaped with minor injuries.
Higgeldy Piggeldy,
Hamlet of Elsinore
Ruffled the critics by
Dropping this bomb:
"Phooey on Freud and his
Psychoanalysis,
Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
I just loved Mom."
Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
little of both.
-- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational
Yale University Extracurricular
Gave up misogyny Heterosexual
Opened its door. Fun is in store.
High heels are a device invented by a woman
who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
Hildebrant's Principle:
If you don't know where you are going,
any road will get you there.
Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
Him: "Really? That's incredible...
It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
-- The Jerk.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Hire the morally handicapped.
His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
-- Foghorn Leghorn
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
i.e. none to speak of.
-- Lazarus Long
History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
Pour my black old coffee longer,
While that smell is gettin' stronger
A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
The Lord'll bless your sharin'
A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
And let me halfway fall in love,
For part of a lonely night,
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
-- Elroy Blunt
Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
The stapler runs out of staples
only while you are trying to staple something.
Hlade's Law:
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
they will find an easier way to do it.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small
problem struggling to get out.
Hodie natus est radici frater.
Hoffer's Discovery:
The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
-- Rex Reed
"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
Home is the place where, when you have
to go there, they have to take you in.
Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
-- Plato
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
-- F.M. Hubbard
Honesty's the best policy.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
-- Francis Bacon
Hope is a waking dream.
-- Aristotle
Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
-- M. Horner
Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
-- Moore
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
-- Jack Benny
Horse sense is the thing a horse has
which keeps it from betting on people.
-- W.C. Fields
Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done.
Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another
weak sister to be shored up.
-- J.R. Ewing
Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
Household hint:
If you are out of cream for your coffee,
mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
-- Neil Armstrong
How apt the poor are to be proud.
-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
How can you be in two places at once
when you're not anywhere at all?
How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
-- Schulz
How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
-- Charles de Gaulle
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
-- Pink Floyd
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
How come we never talk anymore?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
-- A. Cooper
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
-- Elliot, "E.T."
How doth the VAX's C-compiler
Improve its object code.
And even as we speak does it
Increase the system load.
How patiently it seems to run
And spit out error flags,
While users, with frustration, all
Tear their clothes to rags.
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
How kind of you to want to live someone's life for them.
How long a minute is depends on which
side of the bathroom door you're on.
How many "coming men" has one known!
Where on earth do they all go to?
How many people work here?
Oh, about half.
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much does she love you?
Less than you'll ever know.
How much of their influence on you
is a result of your influence on them?
How often I found where I should be going
only by setting out for somewhere else.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "see?"
-- Linus Van Pelt
How untasteful can you get?
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How you look depends on where you go.
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
-- Tom K. Ryan
Hubbard's Law:
Don't take life too seriously;
you won't get out of it alive.
Huh?
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
-- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
Human resources are human first, and resources second.
-- J. Garbers
Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
-- Alan Kay
Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
-- William Gilbert
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
All the king's horses,
And all the king's men,
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to... to... uh.....
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
-- Gallagher
I B M
U B M
We all B M
For I B M!!!!
-- H.A.R.L.I.E.
I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
terrifies people the most.
-- Bob Dylan
I allow the world to live as it chooses,
and I allow myself to live as I choose.
I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
-- David Bowie
I always will remember-- I was in no mood to trifle;
'Twas a year ago November-- I got down my trusty rifle
I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey--
On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
And a cow. And a cow.
The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
Two game wardens, seven hunters,
And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
-- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
I am NOMAD!
I am a computer.
I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
I am a conscientious man, when I throw
rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
-- Winston Churchill
I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
is to suffer for others.
-- Cesar Chavez
I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you
that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I
can't help it. I was born sneering.
-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
I am looking for a honest man.
-- Diogenes the Cynic
I am not a crook.
-- Richard Nixon
I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
-- A. Ward
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
-- William Allen White
I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
-- Paul McCracken
I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
-- Gloria Steinem
I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
-- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-- W. Churchill
I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
-- John Donne
I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
-- Johnson
I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
them completely, even molding the keypads.
-- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
with time.
-- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
-- Ogden Nash
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
-- G.K. Chesterton
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
-- Will Rogers
I bet the human brain is a kludge.
-- Marvin Minsky
I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
the one immortal blemish of mankind.
-- Fredrich Nietzsche
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
-- Firesign Theatre
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
I can relate to that.
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can see him a'comin'
With his big boots on,
With his big thumb out,
He wants to get me.
He wants to hurt me.
He wants to bring me down.
But some time later,
When I feel a little straighter,
I'll come across a stranger
Who'll remind me of the danger,
And then.... I'll run him over.
Pretty smart on my part!
To find my way... In the dark!
-- Phil Ochs
I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
-- A.J. Liebling
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
-- Lillian Hellman
I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
-- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
If it be man's work I will do it.
I cannot read the fiery letters, said Frodo in a quavering voice.
No, said Gandalf, but I can. The letters are Elvish, of course, of
an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter
here. They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore:
This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid).
-- National Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
-- Joe Walsh
I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
-- Albert Anastasia
I can't understand it.
I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
I consider the day misspent that I am not
either charged with a crime or arrested for one.
-- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
I could never learn to like her --
except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
-- Mark Twain
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
the sky blue?"
HE asked me about black holes in space.
(There's a hole *where*?)
I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
(Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
HE talked internal combustion engines.
(The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
as equals.
HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
the graphics.
Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
(Gotcha!)
-- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
-- Rita Gain
I disagree with what you say, but will defend
to the death your right to tell such LIES!
I do desire we may be better strangers.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
-- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
Cardinals backed down and played.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Isaac Asimov
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
-- Galileo Galilei
I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
comes nearest to it of any.
-- Henry David Thoreau
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
-- Chuang-tzu
I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
tiresome.
-- I Ching
I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
-- Salvador Dali
I don't care what star you're following,
get that camel off my front lawn.
-- Heard in Bethlehem
I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
-- K. Coates
I don't get no respect.
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
I don't know what Descartes' got,
But booze can do what Kant cannot.
-- Mike Cross
"I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said.
Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice
objected.
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
that's all."
I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
-- Abraham Lincoln
I don't know why *anyone* would want a computer in their home.
-- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974
I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
-- Clarence Darrow
I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
-- The Undergraduate
I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
-- Cash McCall
I don't need no arms around me...
I don't need no drugs to calm me...
I have seen the writing on the wall.
Don't think I need anything at all.
No! Don't think I need anything at all!
All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
-- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a
little experience before he starts to practice law.
-- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
Attorney-General.
I don't understand you anymore.
I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
But there will definitely be a party tonight...
I don't want a pickle,
I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
And I don't want to die,
I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
-- Arlo Guthrie
I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
-- Jean Anouilh
I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
I dote on his very absence.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a
goal in front and not behind.
-- George Bernard Shaw
I dream of things that aren't and ask "why not?"
I drink to make other people interesting.
-- George Jean Nathan
I enjoy the time that we spend together.
I exist, therefore I am paid.
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
I fell asleep reading a dull book,
and I dreamt that I was reading on,
so I woke up from sheer boredom.
I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
can't be measured in monetary terms.
Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
understand his long delay.
I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
-- Augustus Caesar
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
-- Mae West
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been.
-- Pete Seeger
I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
-- Beauregard Bugleboy
I go the way that Providence dictates.
-- Adolf Hitler
I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
-- Butch Cassidy
I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the
strange thing about Italians -- they're so Jewish.
-- Kay Ballard
I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
win -- or even how you won.
-- Cash McCall
I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
-- Hal Clement
I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
-- D. Cavett
I had a dream last night...
I dreamt about 1976.
I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
so I went back to sleep again.
-- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
dinner and I let it go.
-- Winston Churchill
I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve
years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
"Made in Taiwan".
-- The Stunt Man
I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people
to try and implement a PL/1 compiler.
-- T. Cheatham
I hate dying.
-- Dave Johnson
I hate quotations.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter on women weightlifters.
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
-- R.L. Stevenson
I have a theory that it's impossible to
prove anything, but I can't prove it.
I have a very small mind and must live with it.
-- E. Dijkstra
I have a very strange feeling about this...
-- Luke Skywalker
I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
-- Winston Churchill, 1903
I have become me without my consent.
I have defined the hundred per cent American
as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.
-- George Bernard Shaw
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
-- Camillo Di Cavour
I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
support of the woman I love.
-- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
of the British throne in order to marry the American divorcee
Wallis Warfield Simpson.
I have gained this by philosophy:
that I do without being commanded what others
do only from fear of the law.
-- Aristotle
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
-- Plato
I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
I do believe that is a record.
-- Dylan Thomas, his last words.
I have learned silence from the talkative,
toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
-- Kahlil Gibran
I have lots of things in my pockets;
None of them is worth anything.
Sociopolitical whines aside,
Gan you give me, gratis, free,
The price of half a gallon
Of Gallo extra bad
And most of the bus fare home.
I have made mistakes but I have never made the
mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
-- James Gordon Bennett
I have made this letter longer than usual
because I lack the time to make it shorter.
-- Blaise Pascal
I have never been one to sacrifice
my appetite on the altar of appearance.
-- A.M. Readyhough
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain
I have no doubt the Devil grins,
As seas of ink I spatter.
Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
The other kind don't matter.
-- Robert W. Service
I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I have not yet begun to byte!
I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
-- George Wallace
I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
be blockhead enough to have me.
-- Abraham Lincoln
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
-- Publilius Syrus
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
-- Kehlog Albran
I have that old biological urge,
I have that old irresistible surge,
I'm hungry.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
-- Oscar Wilde
I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
-- John D. Rockefeller
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I hear the sound that the machines make,
and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
but when I tried it I kept falling off.
I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
-- Thomas Jefferson
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
-- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
-- Raoul Duke
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
-- Bill Hoest
I knew Leo G. Carrol
Was over a barrel
When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"]
And I really got hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
Science fiction, double feature
Doctor X will build a creature.
See androids fighting Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show.
-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
I know if you been talkin' you done said
just how suprised you wuz by the living dead.
You wuz suprised that they could understand you words
and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
But don't you get square!
There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
I know not how I came into this,
shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
-- St. Augustine
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-- Albert Einstein
I know on which side my bread is buttered.
-- John Heywood
I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to
tell you the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement. But bein' this
is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it could blow
your head clean off, you have to ask yourself one question: `Do I feel lucky?'
Well, do you, punk?
-- Dirty Harry
I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
it means.
I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
I lately lost a preposition;
It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
Up from out of under there."
Correctness is my vade mecum,
And straggling phrases I abhor,
And yet I wondered, "What should he come
Up from out of under for?"
-- Morris Bishop
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
-- Art Leo
I like myself, but I won't say I'm as
handsome as the bull that kidnapped Europa.
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
I like work; it fascinates me;
I can sit and look at it for hours.
I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
-- Art Buchwald
I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
-- Schulz
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
-- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
I love treason but hate a traitor.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar
I love you, not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you.
-- Roy Croft
I married beneath me. All women do.
-- Nancy, Lady Astor
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
-- Alexander Woolcott
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
feet for the base.
And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
crowding.
-- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
-- Fratianno
I needed the good will of the legislature of four states.
I formed the legislative bodies with my own money. I found
that it was cheaper that way.
-- Jay Gould
I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
-- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
I never did it that way before.
I never fail to convince an audience
that the best thing they could do was to go away.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
-- Mickey Cohen
I never made a mistake in my life.
I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
-- Lucy Van Pelt
I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
I never refuse. I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
I never saw a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But I can tell you anyhow
I'd rather see than be one.
-- Gellett Burgess
I've never seen a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But from the milk we're getting now
There certainly must be one
-- Odgen Nash
Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
I'm sorry now I wrote it
But I can tell you anyhow
I'll kill you if you quote it.
-- Gellett Burgess
I only know what I read in the papers.
-- Will Rogers
I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
-- Letters From Colette
I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go...
I owe the public nothing.
-- J.P. Morgan
I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
-- Cicero
Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
-- Poor Richard
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
-- William F. Buckley
I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
-- Neil Armstrong
I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of
that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'
I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
something of what has been passing in their time.
-- H. Truman
I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
-- Stephen King
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
and didn't come back for 20 years.
I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
-- Alistair Cooke
I respect the institution of marriage -- I have
always thought that every woman should marry, and no man.
-- Disraeli
I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
-- Mark Twain
I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
'Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this,
I accosted the man,
"It is futile," I said.
"You can never--"
"You lie!" He cried,
and ran on.
-- Stephen Crane
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
I say, and without apology, hang the bitch.
I see a bad moon rising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin'
I see bad times today.
Don't go 'round tonight,
It's bound to take your life.
There's a bad moon on the rise.
-- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
knocked,
I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
"Is that all?" asked Alice.
"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
I sent a message to another time,
But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
I sent a message to another plane,
Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
...
I met someone who looks at lot like you,
She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
She's only programmed to be very nice,
But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
She tells me that she likes me very much,
But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
...
I realize that it must seem so strange,
That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
-- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
I smell a wumpus.
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.
-- Woody Allen
I stick my neck out for nobody.
-- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
I stood on the leading edge,
The eastern seaboard at my feet.
"Jump!" said Yoko Ono
I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
Go on and give it a try,
Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
-- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
I suggest a new stategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
-- CP30
I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
That needs a helping hand,
Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
-- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad
kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
-- Shakespeare
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
-- Barry Goldwater
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
-- Nash
I think the Mormon prophet
Was a very funny man.
I wonder how his wives enjoyed
His Prophet Sharing Plan.
I think, therefore I am... I think.
I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
-- T.S. Eliot
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
-- Firesign Theatre
I think we're in trouble.
-- Han Solo
I thought YOU silenced the guard!
"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
They had so much in common, you'd say.
They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
And prompts that were cute or risque'.
He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
She sent one from some past high school day,
And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
If they hadn't met in L.A.
"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
If you were not so totally weird!"
If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
And he had not done just the same,
They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
And would not have had fun with the game.
-- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six
Months of Electronic Mail"
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
One of them said, "So will you."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
the quest.
-- Madeleine Gobeil
I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
-- Bill Veeck
I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
-- Carole Wallach.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
-- Mae West
I used to be a rebel in my youth.
This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
I feel these days.
-- J. Feiffer
I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
-- Elvis Costello
I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
No more, Mr. Clean,
No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
And punched me in the nose, he said,
(chorus)
He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
-- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-- Woody Allen
I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
I was eatin' some chop suey,
With a lady in St. Louie,
When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
Roll this rocker out some money,
Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
-- Mr. Miggle
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
I said I didn't know.
-- Mark Twain
I was in accord with the system so long as it
permitted me to function effectively.
-- Albert Speer
I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
I wasted time and now doth time waste me.
-- William Shakespeare
I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
"What'll you have, bud"?
I said," I don't know, surprise me".
So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
It's the truth.
-- Charlie Chaplin
I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
He said "Nothin'."
Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
As if you just squashed a cop.
-- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one
of them had V.D.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I will always love the false image I had of you.
I will follow the good side right to the fire,
but not into it if I can help it.
-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
writing on this stone!
-- Charles Dickens
I will make you shorter by the head.
-- Elizabeth I
I will never lie to you.
I will not forget you.
I will not say that women have no character;
rather, they have a new one every day.
-- Heine
I wish I was a fascinating lady
With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
I'd live in a house with a little red light
And once a month I'd take a small vacation
And leave all the men to their imagination
And once in a while I'd go all wild
And have myself an illegitimate child
I wish I were a fascinating lady
Instead I'm the minister's child
I wish that my room had a floor;
I don't so much care for a door,
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore!
-- Gelett Burgess
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
I woke up a feelin' mean
went down to play the slot machine
the wheels turned round,
and the letters read
"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
-- Grateful Dead
I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
after we've been home a long while.
-- Casey Stengel
I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
only they won't let me raise my voice.
-- Winkle
I would have made a good pope.
-- Richard Nixon
I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
our tasks will be solved.
-- Warren G. Harding
I would like to know
What I was fencing in
And what I was fencing out.
-- Robert Frost
I would much rather have men ask why
I have no statue, than why I have one.
-- Marcus Procius Cato
I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
and be above ground than reign among the dead.
-- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
-- with regrets to D. Adams
IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
IBM:
I've Been Moved
Idiots Become Managers
Idiots Buy More
Impossible to Buy Machine
Incredibly Big Machine
Industry's Biggest Mistake
International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
It Boggles the Mind
It's Better Manually
Itty-Bitty Machines
IBM's original motto:
Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
IDIOT:
A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
IDLENESS:
Leisure gone to seed.
IGNORANCE:
When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
IMPARTIAL:
Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.
IN BOX:
A catch basin for everything you don't want
to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
incentive program to date remains:
"Do a good job and you get to keep it."
INCUMBENT:
Person of livliest interest to the outcumbents.
INDEX:
Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
INGRATE:
A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
and then complains of indigestion.
INK:
A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
-- H.L. Mencken
INNOVATE:
Annoy people.
INNUENDO:
Italian enema.
INSECURITY:
Finding out that you've mispronounced for years
one of your favorite words.
Realizing halfway through a joke that you are
telling it to the person who told it to you.
INTEREST:
What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders
own, and burned out employees must feign.
INTERPRETER:
One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
INTOXICATED:
When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
IOT trap -- core dumped
IOT trap -- mos dumped
IRONY:
A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
IT IS IN PROCESS:
So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
Iam
not
very
happy
acting
pleased
whenever
prominent
scientists
overmagnify
intellectual
enlightenment
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
-- Princess Leia Organa
I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
-- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
-- Groucho Marx
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
-- Fred Allen
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
-- W.C. Fields
I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
Than cry with the saints,
The sinners are much more fun!
-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
Identify your visitor.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
-- Roy Santoro
If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
-- William Blake
If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
-- William Blake
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If God had not given us sticky tape,
it would have been necessary to invent it.
If God had wanted you to go around nude,
He would have given you bigger hands.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
-- Yiddish saying
If God wanted us to have a President,
He would have sent us a candidate.
-- Jerry Dreshfield
If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell,
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstore sells,
When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me,
Heroes often fail,
You won't read that book again, because
the ending is just too hard to take.
I walk away, like a movie star,
Who gets burned in a three way script,
Enter number two,
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me,
But for now, love, let's be real
I never thought I could act this way,
And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
And I just can't get it back...
-- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
-- Dorothy Parker
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
I'd sell the plantation and go home.
-- Eugene P. Gallagher
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
-- Ted Turner
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
-- Albert Einstein
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
-- Bob Hope
If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
that is also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
-- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
-- Alan Parsons Project
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
-- Bert Whitney
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
-- G. Hirst
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
fun of it.
-- Thomas Carlyle
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
-- Karl Marx's Mother
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
-- T. Cheatham
If a listener nods his head when you're
explaining your program, wake him up.
If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
-- Thomas Wolfe
If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
he will lose his reverence for all of life.
-- Albert Schweitzer
If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
... it expects what never was and never will be.
-- Thomas Jefferson
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question,
look at him as if he had lost his senses.
When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
-- G.K. Chesterton
If all be true that I do think,
There be five reasons why one should drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
-- William Baumol
If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
let him become president of Harvard.
-- Edward Holyoke
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
-- W.C. Fields
[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
-- W.E. Hickson
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
-- Leonard Levinson
If bankers can count, how come they have
eight windows and only four tellers?
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
If continence causes neurosis
And intercourse causes thrombosis
I'd rather expire
Fulfilling desire
Than live in a state of psychosis.
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
If everything on the road of life seems to
be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.
If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
If graphics hackers are so smart,
why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
-- Chinese proverb
If he had only learnt a little less, how
infinitely better he might have taught much more!
If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
-- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
If he should ever change his faith,
it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
If in doubt, mumble.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
-- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
If it happens once, it's a bug.
If it happens twice, it's a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
-- Samuel Clemens
Stockmayer's Theorem:
If it looks easy, it's tough.
If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
If life is merely a joke, the question
still remains: for whose amusement?
If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
-- Lily Tomlin
If mathematically you end up with the wrong
answer, try multipying by the page number.
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
-- Oscar Wilde
If one tells the truth, one is sure sooner or later to be found out.
-- Oscar Wilde
If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
-- Woody Allen
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of
accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
If only you could be respected without having to be respectable.
If only you knew she loved you, you could
face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
-- G.B. Shaw
If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
-- Edward E. Hippensteel
[What brand of ink? Ed.]
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
-- Tom Wicker
If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
Eating components of soured milk.
On at least one occasion,
along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
Or at least in her vicinity,
And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
-- Ann Melugin Williams
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
the use of the mathematics of probability.
-- Vannevar Bush
If she had not been cupric in her ions,
Her shape ovoidal,
Their romance might have flourished.
But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
His ions ferric,
Love could not help but die,
Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
If some day it should happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list, I've got a little list.
-- Koko, "The Mikado"
If some people didn't tell you,
you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If someone had told me I would be Pope
one day, I would have studied harder.
-- Pope John Paul I
If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
-- Doug Larson
[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
put on a professor.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
consider what may be fertilizing it.
If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
the lives of both have been wasted.
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
then this sentence would not be false.
If the odds are a million to one against something
occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
-- Anatole France
If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
what a living the poor could make!
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
-- Chief Dan George
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
church attendance will exceed all expectations.
-- Reverend Chichester
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
of this life.
-- Albert Camus
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
-- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-- Art Hoppe
If there is no wind, row.
-- Polish proverb
If they were so inclined, they could impeach
him because they don't like his necktie.
-- Attorney General William Saxbe
If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
It's not time yet.
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If two men agree on everything, you may
be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.
-- L.B. Johnson
If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
-- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
If we do not change our direction we are
likely to end up where we are headed.
If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
-- John Sinclair
If we spoke a different language, we
would perceive a somewhat different world.
-- Wittgenstein
If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
-- Samuel Adams
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
-- Marguerite Emmons
If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
-- Aristotle Onassis
If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
Quit work and play for once!
If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
-- Arthur Miller
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
If you are for yourself, then what are you?
If not now, when?
If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
by your parents, we will cash your check.
If you are smart enough to know that you're not
smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
-- J. Paul Getty
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be careful, give me a call.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
If you continually give you will continually have.
If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you didn't have most of your friends,
you wouldn't have most of your problems.
If you didn't have to work so hard,
you'd have more time to be depressed.
If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
-- John Galsworthy
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't do it, you'll never know what
would have happened if you had done it.
If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
If you don't have the time right now,
will you have redo right time later?
If you don't have time to do it right, where
are you going to find the time to do it over?
If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
-- Calvin Coolidge
If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
-- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
get my drift.
If you explain something so clearly that no
one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
If you float on instinct alone, how can you
calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
-- Christopher Hodder-Williams
If you fool around with something long
enough, it will eventually break.
If you give Congress a chance to vote on
both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
-- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
-- Winston Churchill
If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
so as not to disturb those around you.
If you had better tools, you could more
effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
If you had just one moment to live
And they granted you one special wish
Would you ask for something
Like another chance.
-- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
If you hands are clean and your cause is just
and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
straight.
-- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
-- Louis Armstrong
If you have to hate, hate gently.
If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anyone, come sit by me.
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
-- Petersen Nesbit
If you learn one useless thing every day,
in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.
If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
-- Graham Summer
If you lose a son you can always get another,
but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
-- The Maltese Falcon
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
he'll get rich or famous or both.
If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
If you make a mistake you right it
immediately to the best of your ability.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
-- Schmidt
If you need anything just whistle.
You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
Just put your lips together and blow.
-- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
they must not be deceiving you very well.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.
But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine,
is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
repeat the sequence.
You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
your own apartment?
-- William S. Burroughs
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
-- Swami Prabhupada
If you stew apples like cranberries,
they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
-- Groucho Marx
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
-- Earl Wilson
If you think the United States has stood still,
who built the largest shopping center in the world?
-- Richard Nixon
If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
-- Dorothy Parker
If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
-- F.D. Roosevelt
If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
If you want me to be a good little bunny
just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
-- Lauren Bacall
If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
-- Michelet
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
-- Harry Blackstone
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means.
-- Walt Kelly
If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
heartbeats.
If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
-- Chinese Proverb
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
-- Anton Chekov
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
-- Ben Franklin
If you would understand your own age, read the works
of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
Bed down with a pretty girl.
Amor vincit omnia.
If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
If your bread is stale, make toast.
If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
-- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
I guess you do have a problem.
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
If your mother knew what you're doing,
she'd probably hang her head and cry.
If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
Employ first-order predicate calculus.
With sufficient formality,
The sheerest banality,
Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
If you're careful enough, nothing
bad or good will ever happen to you.
If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
The Olympics are over.
If you're going to do something tonight
that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
-- Henny Youngman
If you're happy, you're successful.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
-- Ronald Reagan
Ignorance is bliss.
-- Thomas Gray
Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
BLISS is ignorance.
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
Ignore previous fortune.
Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux
Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enmimes sont les gougebosquex,
Et le momerade horgrave.
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
I'll burn my books.
-- Christopher Marlowe
I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
And in our bound partition never part.
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die
Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!
I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
-- Pink Floyd
I'll never get off this planet.
-- Luke Skywalker
I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
I'll turn over a new leaf.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
Illegitimi non carborundum (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
-- Voltaire
I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie
Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish.
Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's
Cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is
very goyish. Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
Macaroons are very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish.
Lime soda is very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't
go near them.
-- Lenny Bruce
I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
She's traversed me seven times before.
And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
N-ary the tree I am, I am,
N-ary the tree I am.
-- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
a sports jacket and take off my brain.
I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
that I could have evolved from man.
I'm all for computer dating, but I
wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
I'm always looking for a new idea that
will be more productive than its cost.
-- David Rockefeller
I'm an artist.
But it's not what I really want to do.
What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
I know what you're going to say --
"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
All right! But it's what I want to do.
Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
-- J. Feiffer
I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
that I could have been created by man.
I'm dying beyond my means.
-- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
I'm fed up to the ears with old men
dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
-- George McGovern
I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
it with you.
> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
> And in LA it's 72.
> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
is a million percent.
> And in LA it's 72.
> In New York there are a million interesting people.
> And in LA there are 72.
I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
-- Harold Urey
I'm just as sad as sad can be!
I've missed your special date.
Please say that you're not mad at me
My tax return is late.
-- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
I'm not a lovable man.
-- Richard Nixon.
I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
-- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
I'm not offering myself as an example;
every life evolves by its own laws.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
I'm not proud.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but
totally unprepared for everyday life.
I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
Let's not talk again REAL soon...
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
I'm successful because I'm lucky.
The harder I work, the luckier I get.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
-- A. Einstein
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier
Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
-- John Lennon, "Imagine"
Imagine what we can imagine!
-- Arthur Rubinstein
Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
-- Genji
Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
In order for something to become clean, something else must
become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
anything clean.
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
-- Edgar A. Shoaff
Immutability, Three Rules of:
(1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
(2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
(3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
In America, any boy may become president and I
suppose that's just one of the risks he takes.
-- Adlai Stevenson
In America, it's not how much an
item costs, it's how much you save.
In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
made the World Series just something that came later.
-- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
In Cristianity, a man may have only one wife.
This is called Monotony.
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the
last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened
but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
-- Ambrose Bierce
In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
But this lubricant lapse
Isn't noticed, perhaps
Because nobody does in Duluth.
In English, every word can be verbed.
Would that it were so in our programming languages.
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
-- Mark Twain
In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
to product."
According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
been an efficiency expert?
-- Motor Trend, May 1983
In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
-- John Diefenbaker
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forest ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
-- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
-- Leon Trotsky, 1937
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
superior to Tops10.
In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
-- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
the answer may be obtained by inspection.
In buying horses and taking a wife
shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled.
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
He'll kiss it and make it better.
In charity there is no excess.
-- Francis Bacon
In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
-- Firesign Theatre
In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In work, be competent.
In action, be careful of your timing.
-- Lao Tsu
In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
Find the fun and snap! the job's a game, and every task
you undertake becomes a piece of cake, a lark, a spree;
it's very clear to see.
-- Mary Poppins
In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
-- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
-- Plato
In just seven days, I can make you a man!
-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
-- James Slagle
In like a dimwit, out like a light.
-- Pogo
In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
-- Bruton
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
to take every advantage of the enemy.
In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
in matters of taste, swim with the current.
-- Thomas Jefferson
In most instances, all an argument
proves is that two people are present.
In my end is my beginning.
-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
a custom which is still continued.
-- Helen Rowland
In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
It is not always an easy sacrifice.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
from the cares of office.
In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
-- Alan Kay
In the Spring, I have counted 136
different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
-- Mark Twain, on New England weather
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
-- Art Linkletter
In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
mud."
And there was mud.
And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
can see what we have done."
And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
"Certainly," said man.
"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
And He went away.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
-- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
And women were too cautious;
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
And men were really obnoxious.
In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
sat hacking at the PDP-6.
"What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
"Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
you close your eyes?"
"So that the room will be empty."
At that momment, Sussman was enlightened.
In the dimestores and bus stations
People talk of situations
Read books repeat quotations
Draw conclusions on the wall.
-- Bob Dylan
In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
-- Martin Mull
In the first place, God made idiots;
this was for practice; then he made school boards.
-- Mark Twain
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
-- Tolstoy
In the land of the dark the Ship of the
Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
-- Egyptian Book of the Dead
In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.
-- Alan Perlis
In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
"Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
live?"
In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
In the evening, floating in the soup.
(chorus):
Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
You can ask them anything you want to.
They won't answer; they can't talk.
(chorus):
I took a fish head out to see a movie,
Didn't have to pay to get it in.
(chorus):
They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
(chorus):
Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
(chorus):
Fishy!
(chorus):
-- Fish Heads
In the next world, you're on your own.
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
-- Pliny the Elder
In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
-- Dr. L.J. Peter
In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
A stately pleasure dome decree,
Where /bin, the sacred river ran
Through Test Suites measureless to Man
Down to a sunless C.
In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
-- Napoleon
In war, truth is the first casualty.
-- U Thant
In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
than a citizen bless their country?"
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
-- Pliny
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!
-- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
Include me out.
Increased knowledge will help you now.
Have mate's phone bugged.
Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
-- M.D. Epstein
Individualists unite!
Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
advance; insufferable in victory.
-- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
Information is the inverse of entropy.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Innovation is hard to schedule.
-- Dan Fylstra
Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids!
Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
Integrity has no need for rules.
Intellect annuls Fate.
So far as a man thinks, he is free.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Interchangeable parts won't.
Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
INSTRUCTION SET
Code Mnemonic What
0 NOP No Operation
1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
-- Bernard Cooke
Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
little paper envelopes.
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
Is death legally binding?
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
a soap bubble?
Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
and such as are out wish to get in?
-- Ralph Emerson
Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Is there life before breakfast?
Is this really happening?
Isn't air travel wonderful?
Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
-- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
would make them better prospects?
Isn't it strange that the same people that
laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
The Course of Progress:
Most things get steadily worse.
The Path of Progress:
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
-- J. Sammet
It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind starts and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.
"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
have wings by not being Walter's horse.
I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
-- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
or both feet firmly planted in the air.
It happened long ago
In the new magic land
The Indians and the buffalo
Existed hand in hand
The Indians needed food
They need skins for a roof
The only took what they needed
And the buffalo ran loose
But then came the white man
With his thick and empty head
He couldn't see past his billfold
He wanted all the buffalo dead
It was sad, oh so sad.
-- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although
a man may be most happily married and continue in that state with the
utmost contentment, it does not necessarily follow that he has
therefore been struck stone-blind.
-- H. Warner Munn
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
-- Ambrose Bierce
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
competence will be quite enough.
-- The Underground Grammarian
It has long been an axiom of mine that the
little things are infinitely the most important.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster
than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
-- Lazarus Long
It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
-- Marcus Porcius Cato
It is a lesson which all history teaches
wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
-- Emerson
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
-- Aeschylus
It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
-- Tom Lehrer
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
-- Alan Perlis
It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
human beings.
The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
-- Playboy, January, 1983
It is always the best policy to speak the truth,
unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
-- Jerome K. Jerome
It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
-- Voltaire
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
-- Andrew W. Mathis
It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
-- Descartes
It is convenient that there be gods, and,
as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing
rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-- R. Serling
It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the
eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
-- Kehlog Albran
It is easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
-- George Santayana
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
-- Leonardo da Vinci
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
-- Aeschylus
It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
-- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
It is exactly because a man cannot do a
thing that he is a proper judge of it.
-- Oscar Wilde
It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
It is fruitless:
to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
innovative maneuvers.
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
-- Dolph Sharp
It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
love does not lie in the ear.
-- Walpole
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
It is impossible to defend perfectly
against the attack of those who want to die.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
unless one has plenty of work to do.
-- Jerome Klapka Jerome
It is impossible to make anything
foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
-- Woody Allen
It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
-- Plutarch
It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
-- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
like a happy married life.
-- Wilde
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
It is much easier to suggest solutions
when you know nothing about the problem.
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
It is not enough to have a good mind.
The main thing is to use it well.
-- Rene Descartes
It is not enough to have great qualities,
we should also have the management of them.
-- La Rochefoucauld
It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
-- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
[Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal
[Great minds think alike? Ed.]
It is not every question that deserves an answer.
-- Publilius Syrus
It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
inscrutable workings of Providence.
-- The Earl of Birkenhead
It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
-- Proverbs 19:2
It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
or defeat.
-- Teddy Roosevelt
It is not true that life is one damn thing after
another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
-- Elizabeth Carpenter
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind
to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
-- Voltaire
It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
-- Cervantes
It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
is the only thing that makes the result come true.
-- William James
It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
-- Schopenhauer
It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
what is essential is invisible to the eye.
-- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
-- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
too, shall pass away."
-- A. Lincoln
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
-- Carl Sandburg
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
-- Hawkwind
It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
-- Francis Bacon
It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
-- Francis Bacon
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
lives, works and has his being.
-- Thomas Carlyle
It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
It produces a false impression.
-- Oscar Wilde.
It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
-- Roger Babson
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
-- Princess Leia Organa
It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
-- Lazarus Long
It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
It seems a little silly now, but this country
was founded as a protest against taxation.
It seems the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
-- Frank Hubbard
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
It takes a special kind of courage
to face what we all have to face.
It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
-- Crazy Charlie
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
It takes less time to do a thing right
than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
-- H.W. Longfellow
It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
really needed in the first place.
I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
analogous to the above.
-- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
It used to be the fun was in
The capture and kill.
In another place and time
I did it all for thrills.
-- Lust to Love
It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
It was a female that drove me to drink
and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
-- R.E. Baber
It was all so different before everything changed.
It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
-- Dion, noted computer scientist
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or
written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems
a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was
the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I
would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese
don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say,
because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the
good things in your life.
-- Stephen King, "The Body"
It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
man a lifetime.
-- Thomas Aldrich
It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
man appeared out of an upstairs window.
"What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
"My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
would let me stay here for the night."
"Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
okay with me."
It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
icepacks.
-- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon
It was wonderful to find America, but it
would have been more wonderful to miss it.
-- Mark Twain
It would be nice to be sure of anything
the way some people are of everything.
It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
-- Luke Skywalker
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
-- Andrew Jackson
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's all in the mind, ya know.
"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and
then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
have thought it up, I wonder?"
-- James Purdy
It's amazing how many people you could be friends
with if only they'd only make the first approach.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
but why do the rats always have to win?
It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
It's business doing pleasure with you.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
"It's easier said than done."
... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
done".
It's easier to get forgiveness for being
wrong than forgiveness for being right.
It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
-- Washlesky
It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
-- Macy's
It's faster horses,
Younger women,
Older whiskey and
More money.
-- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
-- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
kill somebody.
-- Dorothy Sayers
It's gonna be alright,
It's almost midnight,
And I've got two more bottles of wine.
It's grad exam time...
COMPUTER SCIENCE
Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
this code into a UNIX Berkley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
MATHEMATICS
If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
It's grad exam time...
MEDICINE
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
It's hard to drive at the limit, but
it's harder to know where the limits are.
-- Stirling Moss
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
-- Groucho Marx
It's hard to keep your shirt on when
you're getting something off your chest.
It's important that people know what you stand for.
It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
It's interesting to think that many quite
distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
-- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
It's just apartment house rules,
So all you 'partment house fools
Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
-- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
It's later than you think.
It's later than you think, the joint
Russian-American space mission has already begun.
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
you're going in the wrong direction.
Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
-- Mark Twain
It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
-- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
-- Tom Lehrer
It's not easy being green.
-- Kermit
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
-- Alexander Korda
It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
-- J.K. Galbraith
It's not pretty being easy.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's not that I'm afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-- Woody Allen
It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
-- Grantland Rice
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
-- Roger Noe
It may be that your whole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
poverty and wealth have both failed.
-- Kim Hubbard
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
just to see if it's real,
Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very
good at them myself but I'm told they can be very effective.
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
I've Been Moved!
I've already told you more than I know.
I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave
something on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always
felt that the lights were more than enough.
I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
I've always made it a solemn practice to never
drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
-- R. Nesson
I've been on this lonely road so long,
Does anybody know where it goes,
I remember last time the signs pointed home,
A month ago.
-- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
I've been there.
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
I've got a very bad feeling about this.
-- Han Solo
I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.
I'd like to watch him have another.
I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
-- Joel Halpern.
I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
-- Calvin Coolidge
I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
I've only got 12 cards.
JOB INTERVIEW:
The excruciating process during which personnel officers
separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
JOGGER:
An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
JUSTICE:
A decision in your favor.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property
are safe while the legislature is in session.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Jenkinson's Law:
It won't work.
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
Jim Nasium's Law:
In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
each other so that everybody is cramped.
Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
to you. You gonna pay it?
Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
-- Snoopy
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
-- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
John Dame May Oscar
Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
-- Willard Espy
Johnson's First Law:
When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
most inconvenient possible time.
Johnson's law:
Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
Join the Navy; travel to far-off exotic lands,
meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
Jones' First Law:
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
importance of their original contribution.
Jones' Law:
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Jones' Second Law:
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
to blame it on.
Joshu: What is the true Way?
Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
J: Can I study it?
N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
yourself as wide as the sky.
Journalism is literature in a hurry.
-- Matthew Arnold
Journalism will kill you, but it will
keep you alive while you're at it.
Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
Just a song before I go, Going through security
To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
She helped me with my suitcase,
She stands before my eyes,
Driving me to the airport
And to the friendly skies.
-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
women.
-- G.B. Shaw
Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
Just because the message may never be
received does not mean it is not worth sending.
Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
-- Bob Dylan
Just because your doctor has a name for your
condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
-- Glynda
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
Just machines to make big decisions,
Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
We'll be clean when their work is done,
We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
What a beautiful world this will be,
What a glorious time to be free.
-- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
Just once, I wish we would encounter
an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky
or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ
came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get
crucified in the morning.
-- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
Just to have it is enough.
Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
of all the others, and then do what's best.
-- Lovers and Other Strangers
Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
Just can't remember who to send it to...
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
But I always thought that I'd see you again.
Thought I'd see you one more time again.
-- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
Justice is incidental to law and order.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
KANSAS:
Where the men are men and so are the women!
KERNEL:
A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
traditions of sorcery and black art.
KIN:
An affliction of the blood.
KLEPTOMANIAC:
A rich thief.
KNOWLEDGE:
Things you believe.
Katz' Law:
Men and nations will act rationally when
all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
Population density is inversely proportional
to the square of the distance from the keg.
Kaufman's Law:
A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
-- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
force is technically termed "car suck").
2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"
3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
in the head and knock you silly.
Keep it short for pithy sake.
Keep on keepin' on.
Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
-- Joe Bonanno
Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
-- D. Gries
Keep the phase, baby.
Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
at the end of six months.
-- Moore
Keep your Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now... try to get something DONE!
Keep your laws off my body!
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
Kennedy's Market Theorem:
Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
you've got to go broke.
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
for the students, and parking for the faculty.
Kettering's Observation:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
Kill Kill,
Hate Hate,
Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
Kill a commy for your mommy.
Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
Kilroe hic erat!
Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
-- Mark Twain
Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
-- Muad'dib
Kington's Law of Perforation:
If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
part of the paper.
Kinkler's First Law:
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
Kinkler's Second Law:
All the easy problems have been solved.
Kirk to Enterprise...
Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
Kitchen activity is highlighted.
Butter up a friend.
Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
-- Winston Churchill
Klatu barada nikto.
Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
Kliban's First Law of Dining:
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
100% Damage to life support!!!!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet Evening...
Knocked, you weren't in.
-- Opportunity
Know Thy User.
Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
-- No?
GOOD!
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
-- Henry N. Camp
Knowledge is power.
-- Francis Bacon
Knowledge without common sense is folly.
LABOR:
One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
LASER:
Failed death ray.
LA:
Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
From mud slides to brush fires.
LAZY:
Marrying a pregnant woman.
LEARNING CURVE:
An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
quicker you can do it.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
LEVERAGE:
Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
LIAR:
A lawyer with a roving commission.
LIAR:
One who tells an unpleasant truth.
LIBERAL:
Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
of bed today.
LIE:
A very poor substitute for the truth,
but the only one discovered to date.
LIFE:
A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
LIFE:
Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
LIFE:
That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
LIGHTHOUSE:
A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
LIKE:
When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
LISP:
To call a spade a thpade.
LIVING YOUR LIFE:
A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
LOGO for the Dead
LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
"The Other Side."
The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
Bulletin Board System).
LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
-- '80 Microcomputing
LOVE:
I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
LOVE:
Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
LOVE:
When, if asked to choose between your lover
and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
LOVE:
When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
LOVE:
When you don't want someone too close--
because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
LOVE:
When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
LUNATIC ASYLUM:
The place where optimism most flourishes.
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
Lack of money is the root of all evil.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
I come before you to stand behind you
To tell you of something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
There will be a convention held in the
Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
Admission is free, pay at the door,
Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
It was a summer's day in winter,
And the snow was raining fast,
As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
Stood sitting in the grass.
Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
Two dead men got up to fight.
Three blind men to see fair play,
Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and arrested those two dead boys.
Lady Astor: "If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee."
Winston Churchill: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Lady Luck brings added income today.
Lady friend takes it away tonight.
Laetrile is the pits.
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
Lake Erie died for your sins.
Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
candy, and said:
"Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
Larkinson's Law:
All laws are basically false.
Last night I met upon the stair
a little man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
Gee how I wish he'd go away!
Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
Last week's pet, this week's special.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
Laura's Law:
No child throws up in the bathroom.
Lavish spending can be disastrous.
Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
-- Richard M. Nixon
Law of Communications:
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
area of misunderstanding.
Law of Continuity:
Experiments should be reproducible.
They should all fail the same way.
Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Jenning's Corollary:
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
Laws of Computer Programming:
1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
the programmer who must maintain it.
LAWSUIT:
A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
-- Shakespeare
Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
The reason, you will see, no doubt,
Is to keep the lightning out.
But what these unobservant birds
Have failed to notice is that herds
Of bears may come with buns
And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
smaller -- and there are many more of them.
-- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
Learning without thought is labor lost;
thought without learning is perilous.
-- Confucius
Leave no stone unturned.
-- Euripides
Lee's Law:
Mother said there would be days like this,
but she never said that there'd be so many!
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leibowitz's Rule:
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
now. They're in a band.
-- Ira Kaplan
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
-- Publilius Syrus
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
Let no guilty man escape.
-- U.S. Grant
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
-- Charles Dickens
Let the machine do the dirty work.
-- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
-- Capone
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
-- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
Let us never negotiate out of fear,
but let us never fear to negotiate.
-- John F. Kennedy
Let us not look back in anger or forward
in fear, but around us in awareness.
-- James Thurber
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
Let us treat men and women well;
Treat them as if they were real;
Perhaps they are.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Let your conscience be your guide.
-- Pope
Let's just be friends and make no special
effort to ever see each other again.
Let's not complicate our relationship
by trying to communicate with each other.
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
Leveraging always beats prototyping.
Lewis's Law of Travel:
The first piece of luggage out of the
chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
-- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
-- Ma Barker
Life -- Love It or Leave It.
Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
-- Miss November, 1966
Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
Life exists for no known purpose.
Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
important than something else. If what already is, is more important
than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
-- Werner Erhard
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
Life is a hospital in which every patient
is possessed by the desire to change his bed.
Life is a series of rude awakenings.
-- R.V. Winkle
Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
-- Clarence Darrow
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
Life is an exciting business, and most
exciting when it is lived for others.
Life is both difficult and time consuming.
Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
-- C. Schultz
Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
Life is like a sewer.
What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
-- Tom Lehrer
Life is like a tin of sardines.
We're, all of us, looking for the key.
-- Beyond the Fringe
Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
Life is like an onion: you peel it off
one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
-- Carl Sandburg
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
Life is not for everyone.
Life is one long struggle in the dark.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
Life is the childhood of our immortality.
-- Goethe
Life is the living you do,
Death is the living you don't do.
-- Joseph Pintauro
Life is the urge to ecstasy.
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
Life is too short to be taken seriously.
-- O. Wilde
Life is wasted on the living.
-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
-- Dag Hammarskjold
Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
-- Sanka Ad
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
-- G.B. Shaw
Lift every voice and sing
Till earth and heaven ring,
Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
Let our rejoicing rise
High as the listening skies,
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
Let us march on till victory is won.
-- James Weldon Johnson
Lighten up, while you still can,
Don't even try to understand,
Just find a place to make your stand,
And take it easy.
-- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
the difference between one young woman and another.
-- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
Like corn in a field I cut you down,
I threw the last punch way too hard,
After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
I'm as low as a paid assassin is
You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
You know I can't think straight no more
You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
-- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
Like punning, programming is a play on words.
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands
looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
-- Alan McKay
Like the time I ran away...
And turned around and you were standing close to me.
-- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
in it he found that the damned things diverged.
-- Piet Hein
Linus' Law:
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
Snoopy: That's nice to know.
The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
Maybe we should think only about today.
Charlie Brown:
No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
will get better.
Lions in the street and roaming,
Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
A beast caged in the heart of the city.
The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
He fled the town.
Went down south across the border,
Left the chaos and disorder
Back there, over his shoulder.
One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
A strange creature groaning beside him.
Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
-- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
Lisp Machine is Fun.
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
Fun for everyone.
Lisp Users:
Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
Littering is dumb.
-- Ronald Macdonald
Little Mary on the ice,
Went out to have a frisk,
Now wasn't little Mary nice,
Her pretty *?
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
-- Lazarus Long
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
-- James Dean
Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
Living in New York City gives people real incentives
to want things that nobody else wants.
-- Andy Warhol
Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And plunged it deep into the VAX;
Don't you envy people who
Do all the things YOU want to do?
Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
-- Henry David Thoreau
Lockwood's Long Shot:
The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
-- Marvin Minsky
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
Logic is a systematic method of coming
to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
Lonely is a man without love.
-- Englebert Humperdinck
Lonely men seek companionship.
Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
Lonesome?
Like a change?
Like a new job?
Like excitement?
Like to meet new and interesting people?
JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
"I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window...
-- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
Long life is in store for you.
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
pain and his aloneness without regret?
-- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Look at it this way:
Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
Look at it this way:
Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
forget $26,000 of college education.
And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
Look before you leap.
-- Samuel Butler
Look ere ye leap.
-- John Heywood
Look out! Behind you!
Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
-- Stephen Sondheim
Loose bits sink chips.
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
-- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
Losing your drivers' license is just
God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
Lost: gray and white female cat.
Answers to electric can opener.
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
-- Frank Hubbard
Lots of girls can be had for a song.
Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
Love America - or give it back.
Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love at first sight is one of the greatest
labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
-- Oscar Hammerstein II
Love is a grave mental disease.
-- Plato
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
-- Ogden Nash
Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. I you close your
arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Love is in the offing.
-- The Homicidal Maniac
Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
and unquenchable.
-- Bruce Lee
Love is never asking why?
Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
Love is sentimental measles.
Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
-- Saint Exupery
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-- H.L. Mencken
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
-- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
Love to eat them mousies,
Mousies what I love to eat.
Bite they little heads off,
Nibble on they tiny feet.
-- Kliban
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
trying to figure out what you're up to.
Lowery's Law:
If it jams -- force it. If it
breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
-- P.E. Trudeau
Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
Can't you be serious for once?
Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
of the more important things in life!
(pause)
Tomorrow!!
Lysistrata had a good idea.
MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
MAD:
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
MAGPIE:
A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
to someone that it might be taught to talk.
-- A. Bierce
MAIDEN AUNT:
A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
MAJORITY:
That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
MALPRACTICE:
The reason surgeons wear masks.
MANAGEMENT:
The art of getting other people to do all the work.
MANAGER:
A man known for giving great meeting.
MAN:
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
-- A. Bierce
MANIC-DEPRESSIVE:
Easy glum, easy glow.
MARRIAGE:
An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing
that love. In short, committment to an institution.
MARRIAGE:
Convertible bonds.
MEETINGS:
A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
MEMO:
An interoffice communication too often written more for
the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
who receives it.
MENU:
A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
METEOROLOGIST:
One who doubts the established fact that it is
bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
MICRO:
Thinker toys.
MIPS:
Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
MISFORTUNE:
The kind of fortune that never misses.
MISS:
A title with which we brand unmarried
women to indicate that they are in the market.
MIXED EMOTIONS:
Watching your mother-in-law back off
a cliff in your brand new Mercedes.
MIXED EMOTIONS:
Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge
off a cliff. With five empty seats.
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
Cinnamon
Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
MODESTY:
Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
MODESTY:
The gentle art of enhancing your charm
by pretending not to be aware of it.
MOLECULE:
The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
the atom in that it is an ion...
MOMENTUM:
What you give a person when they are going away.
MONDAY:
In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
-- Ambrose Bierce
MONOTONY:
Marriage to one woman at a time.
MONTANA:
A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
MOPHOBIA:
Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
MOSQUITO:
The state bird of New Jersey.
MOTHER:
Half a word.
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
MOUNTIES:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
all day.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
Just like my dear Pappa.
MUMMY:
An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
MYTHOLOGY:
The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin,
early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.
Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
-- Andy Warhol
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-- W.C. Fields
Madison's Inquiry:
If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
Madness takes its toll.
Magary's Principle:
When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.
Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one
thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a
great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
Maiden, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical distribution,
being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. The maiden is not
altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano and her views)
insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior
to the rainbow, and, with regard to the part of her that is audible, beaten
out of the field by the canary -- which, also, is more portable.
Male, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two
varieties: good providers and bad providers.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Maier's Law:
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
-- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
Corollaries:
1. The bigger the theory, the better.
2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
obtain a correspondence with the theory.
Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Major premise:
Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
Minor premise:
A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
Conclusion:
Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
Secondary Conclusion:
Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
-- Robert Moses
Make a wish, it might come true.
Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
Make it right before you make it faster.
Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
-- Daniel Hudson Burnham
Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
-- System V.2 administrator's guide
Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Man and wife make one fool.
Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
-- Wernher von Braun
Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
-- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
-- Fred Allen
Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
Man is a military animal,
Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
-- P.J. Bailey
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he
is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Oscar Wilde
Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
no dog exchanges bones with another.
-- Adam Smith
Man is by nature a political animal.
-- Aristotle
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
-- Wernher von Braun
Man is the measure of all things.
-- Protagoras
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
-- Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
for he is the only animal that is struck with the
difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
-- William Hazlitt
Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
-- Arthur R. Miller
Man proposes, God disposes.
-- Thomas a Kempis
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
-- A. Einstein
Man who arrives at party two hours late
will find he has been beaten to the punch.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
Man will never fly.
Space travel is merely a dream.
All aspirin is alike.
Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
-- Plotinus
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
Some say not even indecent.
But if you lust,
It's a must!
Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
-- Sydney J. Harris
Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
-- George M. Cohan
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
-- Finley Peter Dunne
Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound
except when he can't understand his own meaning.
-- George D. Prentice
Many are called, few are chosen.
Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many are called, few volunteer.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
Many hands make light work.
-- John Heywood
Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
-- Francis Galton, 1909
Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
-- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
Many pages make a thick book.
Many pages make a thick book, except for
pocket bibles which are on very thin paper.
Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
Many people are secretly interested in life.
Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
Many people feel that if you won't let
them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
-- Publilius Syrus
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
-- Walt Kelly
Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man,
You, with your fresh thoughts
Care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name
Sorrow's springs are the same:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.
-- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff
at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
-- Billy Carter
Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
it in order to protect themselves.
-- Lenny Bruce
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
Dentists are incapable of asking questions
that require a simple yes or no answer.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-- Roger Price
Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire
Marriage is the process of finding out what
kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
-- John Lyly
Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
"Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
named a drink Fred?"
Mary had a little lamb,
The lamb turned out to be a ram,
Now Mary has a little lamb.
Maryann's Law:
You can always find what you're not looking for.
Maslow's Maxim:
If the only tool you have is a hammer,
you treat everything like a nail.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
-- Monty Python
Mater artium necessitas.
[Necessity is the mother of invention].
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
-- Henry Adams
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
-- Albert Einstein
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
nor can it be returned without a receipt.
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
-- S. Kierkegaard
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
-- Jules Feiffer
Matz's Law:
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
May all your PUSHes be POPped.
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
May you live in uninteresting times.
-- Chinese proverb
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
-- R.S. Barton
Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
-- Lazarus Long
Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
-- Will Rogers
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
these days you can certainly charge it.
May's Law:
The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density
of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
When traveling with a herd of elephants,
don't be the first to lie down and rest.
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under $50",
you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
Meader's Law:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously
have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
Measure twice, cut once.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
Memory fault -- brain fried
Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
Memory fault - where am I?
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
-- Marilyn Monroe
Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
They're attracted by what I don't mind...
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
-- Julius Caesar
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
-- H.L. Mencken
Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
rights as women have of their wrongs.
-- E.W. Howe
Men have many faults,
Women only two:
Everything they say,
And everything they do!
Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
-- Dorothy Parker
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
-- Winston Churchill
Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
-- DeSegur
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
-- Voltaire
Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
before. Thus was the Empire forged.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
The quality of a champagne is judged by the
amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
can ever hope to acquire it.
Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
-- Piers Anthony
Mental things which have not gone in through the
senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
-- Leonardo
Meskimen's Law:
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.
Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
Message will arrive in the mail.
Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Microwaves frizz your heir.
Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
-- Casablanca
Miksch's Law:
If a string has one end, then it has another end.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- Groucho Marx
Miller's Slogan:
Lose a few, lose a few.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what
to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-- Susan Ertz
Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
the gold and the black.
-- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
Mind your own business, Spock.
I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misery no longer loves company.
Nowadays it insists on it.
-- Russell Baker
Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure.
Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
Any simple problem can be made insoluble
if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
-- Horace
Mix's Law:
There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
-- P.J. Denning
Moderation in all things.
-- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
-- Oscar Wilde
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
-- J.K. Galbraith
Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
Moe: So?
Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
Mom's Law:
When they finally do have to take you to the
hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
-- Lazarus Long
Money is its own reward.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
-- Lazarus Long
Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
-- Sir Edmond Stockdale
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
puts you in a great bargaining position.
Money will say more in one moment than
the most eloquent lover can in years.
Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
-- Andries van Dam
Moore's Constant:
Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
-- R.S. Surtees
More people have died in Ted Kennedy's
car than in nuclear power plants.
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
-- Woody Allen
Morton's Law:
If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
-- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
Most general statements are false, including this one.
-- Alexander Dumas
Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss
out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
Most of your faults are not your fault.
Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
Most people can do without the
essentials, but not without the luxuries.
Most people deserve each other.
-- Shirley
Most people don't need a great deal of love
nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
-- E.W. Howe
Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
a good reason, and the real reason.
Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
-- Susan Sontag
Most people need some of their problems
to help take their mind off some of the others.
Most people prefer certainty to truth.
Most people want either less corruption
or more of a chance to participate in it.
Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
-- Frank Zappa
Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
Mother Earth is not flat!
Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
-- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
All I have in the world is this gun."
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
shirts but they're going back.
Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
lessons or what?
Multics is security spelled sideways.
Mum's the word.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy's Discovery:
Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine
months later, you're in trouble!
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
Murphy's Laws:
(1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
prison.
They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're
hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
to death.
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
Murray.
"This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
spits in the sergeants face.
"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
-- Arthur Naiman
Murray's Rule:
Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
-- Lao Tsu
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
My My, hey hey
Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
And into the black
-- Neil Young
"My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
And you know two heads are better than one.
My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
decimal points for the sake of precision.
Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
over.
Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
My darling wife was always glum.
I drowned her in a cask of rum,
And so made sure that she would stay
In better spirits night and day.
My doctorate's in Literature, but it
seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
is going on.
-- J.F. Kennedy
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
-- Iphicrates
My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
-- Erich Maria Remarque
My father taught me three things:
1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
-- E.B. White
My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
but they were there to meet the boat.
My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
was the biggest game we had. Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose
and Knights of Pithiests.
The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
So we're going back in a few years...
-- Julius H. Marx
My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
My, how you've changed since I've changed.
My interest is in the future because I am
going to spend the rest of my life there.
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
And I wish he were in Asia.
-- Dorothy Parker, part 2
My love runs by like a day in June,
And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
-- Dorothy Parker, part 3
My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
the alter of human limitations.
I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
earth really does revolve about the sun.
-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
-- G.B. Shaw
My mind can never know my body, although
it has become quite friendly with my legs.
-- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
-- Crazy Jimmy
My mother loved children -- she would
have given anything if I had been one.
-- Groucho Marx
My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
-- Friday
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife
came home early from work and found us in bed together.
-- Lenny Bruce
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
-- O. Wilde
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
And I wish I'd never met him.
-- Dorothy Parker, part 1
My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
My rackets are run on strictly American
lines, and they're going to stay that way.
-- A. Capone
My way of joking is to tell the truth.
That's the funniest joke in the world.
-- Muhammad Ali
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
-- Booth Tarkington
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?
Everything he says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency,
and then everything he says will be right.
-- G.B. Shaw
NERD PACK:
Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
in his pack.
NEUTRON BOMB:
An explosive device of limited military value because, as
it only destroys people without destroying property, it
must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
NEW:
Different color from previous model.
NO BRAINER:
A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
NO MAINTENANCE:
Impossible to fix.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
NOLO CONTENDERE:
A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it,
judge, and I'll never do it again."
NOMINAL EGG:
New Yorkerese for expensive.
NOVEMBER:
The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
-- '76 Olympics
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
National security is in your hands - guard it well.
Natural laws have no pity.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
Nature has given women so much power that the
law has wisely given them very little.
-- Johnson
Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
As on the land while here the ocean gains,
In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
The solid power of understanding fails;
Where beams of warm imagination play,
The memory's soft figures melt away.
-- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
-- Francis Bacon
Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
On the Rue des Ecoles
lived an old man
with a blind dog
Every evening I would see him
guiding the dog along
the sidewalk, keeping
a firm grip on the leash
so that the dog wouldn't
run into a passerby
Sometimes the dog would stop
and look up at the sky
Once the old man
noticed me watching the dog
and he said, "Oh, yes,
this one knows
when the moon is out,
he can feel it on his face"
-- Barry Gifford
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
want to test a man's character, give him power.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Necessity has no law.
-- St. Augustine
Necessity is a mother.
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
Watch who you sleep with.
Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
-- William Pitt, 1783
Neckties strangle clear thinking.
-- Lin Yutang
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Neil Armstrong tripped.
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
Nemo me impune lacessit
[No one provokes me with impunity]
-- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
Neuroses are red,
Melancholia's blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
What are you?
Neurotics build castles in the sky,
Psychotics live in them,
And psychiatrists collect the rent.
Neutrinos are into physicists.
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
-- Lazarus Long
Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Never buy from a rich salesman.
-- Goldenstern
Never buy what you do not want
because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
-- Thomas Jefferson
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Never eat more than you can lift.
-- Miss Piggy
Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
Never explain. Your friends do not need it
and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
-- Elbert Hubbard
Never fly under a sea gull - they'll shit on your airplane.
-- Gordon Cooper
Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
Never give an inch!
Never have so many understood so little about so much.
-- James Burke
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
-- Billy Rose
Never kick a man, unless he's down.
Never laugh at live dragons.
-- Bilbo Baggins
Never leave anything to chance;
make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
Never let someone who says it cannot be done
interrupt the person who is doing it.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
-- Saint Jerome
Never make anything simple and efficient when a
way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
Never promise more than you can perform.
-- Publilius Syrus
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
-- D. Gries
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
Never reveal your best argument.
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
-- Nelson Algren
Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
-- John Dillinger
Never trust an operating system.
Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
-- Lazarus Long
Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
Never volunteer for anything.
-- Lackland
Never worry about theory as long as the
machinery does what it's supposed to do.
-- R.A. Heinlein
New England Life, of course. Why?
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
New York-- to that tall skyline I come
Flyin' in from London to your door
New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
Where they say you should not wander after dark.
New York.
-- Simon and Garfunkle
New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be.
New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
New members are urgently needed in the Society
for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
New systems generate new problems.
Newlan's Truism:
An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Newlywed groom:
Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer.
You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
and weekends. I'm sorry.
Newlywed bride:
I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker.
Groom:
Oh, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow through...
Newman's Discovery:
Your best dreams may not come true;
fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is
really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
-- F.J. Raymond
Nice guys don't finish nice.
Nice guys finish last.
-- Leo Durocher
Nice guys get sick.
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
but Americans call him by value.
Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for system source;
One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
-- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
No, I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
"No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
can't."
"You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
-- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
-- Aesop
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
-- William Blake
No character, however upright, is a match for
constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
-- Alexander Hamilton
No directory.
No discipline is ever requisite to force
attendance upon lectures which are really worth the attending.
-- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
on the grounds that it was human nature.
No evil can happen to a good man.
-- Plato
No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
-- Aristotle
No extensible language will be universal.
-- T. Cheatham
No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
-- Landor
No good deed goes unpunished.
-- Clare Boothe Luce
No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
he will not become a nuisance after three days.
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
No guts, no glory.
No, his mind is not for rent
To any god or government.
Always hopeful, yet discontent,
He knows changes aren't permanent -
But change is.
No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
-- Sidney
No line available at 300 baud.
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
-- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
No man is useless who has a friend,
and if we are loved we are indispensable.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
No man would listen to you talk if
he didn't know it was his turn next.
-- E.W. Howe
No man's ambition has a right to stand in
the way of performing a simple act of justice.
-- John Altgeld
No matter how clever the hardware boys
are, the software boys piss it away.
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
-- Mr. Dooley
No one becomes depraved in a moment.
-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
No one knows like a woman how to say
things that are at once gentle and deep.
-- Hugo
No one knows what he can do till he tries.
-- Publilius Syrus
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
-- Quintus Ennius
No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
For this isn't really the norm.
But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
So what? Any pork in a storm.
No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
Cast even more perils before swine.
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
-- C. Schulz
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
"No program is perfect,"
They said with a shrug.
"The customer's happy--
What's one little bug?"
But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
The others went home. As year followed year.
He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
Night passed into morning. He died at the console
The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
"Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
-- The Perfect Programmer
No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
No rock so hard but that a little wave
May beat admission in a thousand years.
-- Tennyson
No self-made man ever did such a good job
that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
-- Kim Hubbard
No skis take rocks like rental skis!
No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
for that purpose to keep awake all day.
-- Nietzsche
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
Finished his old Raven,
then he started his Old Crow.
No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
-- Quintus Ennius
No spitting on the Bus!
Thank you, The Management.
No two persons ever read the same book.
-- Edmund Wilson
No use getting too involved in life --
you're only here for a limited time.
No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
-- Liv Ullman
Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
-- Roy Harper
Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
I think I'll go out and eat worms.
I'm gonna cut their heads off,
Eat their insides out,
And throw way the skins.
Big, fat, juicy ones,
Little, skinny, cute ones,
Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
Nobody shot me.
-- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint
Valentine's Day massacre.
Nobody wants constructive criticism.
It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
-- Mark Twain
Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
[Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
-- M.J. 0'Donnell
Noncombatant:
A dead Quaker.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
-- Heisenberg
Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
-- E.M. Forster
Normal times may possibly be over forever.
Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
their courses.
-- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
Not all men who drink are poets.
Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
Not all who own a harp are harpers.
-- Marcus Terentius Varro
Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
Not every question deserves an answer.
Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
-- Stanislaw Lem
Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
-- Spinoza
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing can be done in one trip.
-- Snider
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
Nothing endures but change.
-- Heraclitus
[Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
-- John Keats
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
Nothing is but what is not.
Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
To prove this to yourself, try opening the
refrigerator door before the light comes on.
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
-- Andrew Young
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
-- Weller
Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing is so firmly believed as which is least known.
-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
-- Ebner-Eschenbach
Nothing motivates a man more than to
see his boss put in an honest day's work.
Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
which can be offered to a personality.
-- Soren Kierkegaard
Nothing recedes like success.
-- Walter Winchell
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
-- Mark Twain
Nothing succeeds like excess.
-- Oscar Wilde
Nothing succeeds like success.
-- Alexandre Dumas
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut
butter quite like unrequited love.
-- Charlie Brown
Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
if it doesn't come naturally leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And we bent our backs as slaves in the night,
She lowered her guard, showed me the scars she got from trying to fight,
Said, "Oh, you better believe it."
[...]
Well nothing that's real is ever for free and you just have to
pay for it sometime.
She said it before, she said it to me,
I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
But the same old four imaginary walls
She'd built for livin' inside
I said "Oh, you just can't mean it."
[...]
Well, nothing that's forced can ever be right, if it doesn't come
naturally leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And she may have been wrong and she may have been right,
But I woke with the frost,
I noticed she'd lost the veil that covered her eyes,
I said "Oh, you can leave it."
-- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally"
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
-- Kim Hubbard
Nothing will ever be attempted
if all possible objections must be first overcome.
-- Dr. Johnson
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
When comes the revolution, things will be different --
not better, just different.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I'll cry in anguish, Mistake!! Mistake!!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
And if I fail to learn this junk,
I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
But if I do, don't pity me at all,
Just lay my bones in the study hall.
Tell my teacher I've done my best,
Then pile my books upon my chest.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
-- Walt Kelly
Now is the time for drinking;
now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man,
"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved
by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements,
you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
-- D. Adams
Now it's time to say goodbye
To all our company...
M-I-C (see you next week!)
K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
M-O-U-S-E.
Now of my threescore years and ten,
Twenty will not come again,
And take from seventy springs a score,
It leaves me only fifty more.
And since to look at things in bloom
Fifty springs are little room,
About the woodlands I will go
To see the cherry hung with snow.
-- A.E. Housman
Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
"For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
stand alone--proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
Now that day wearies me,
My yearning desire
Will receive more kindly,
Like a tired child, the starry night.
Hands, leave off your deeds,
Mind, forget all thoughts;
All of my forces
Yearn only to sink into sleep.
And my soul, unguarded,
Would soar on widespread wings,
To live in night's magical sphere
More profoundly, more variously.
-- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST...
Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
-- Casey Stengel
Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
What would they do if I made no landfall?"
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
-- Edwin Meese III
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
-- Seneca
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
Nusbaum's Rule:
The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
O! If I were a fish
I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
Yes, that's my one and only wish --
To be a fish!
For fish don't ever mish;
They needn't flush after they pish!
Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
For all the fish!!!
`O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
will be given to candidates who self-actualise.
1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
neither has street credibility.
2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
city.
3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
into a black hole.
4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
up of western dualism?
7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
O imitators, you slavish herd!
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2]
O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
Might we not smash it to bits
And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
-- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
O'Brian's Law:
Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
"How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
"Four."
"And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
then how many?"
"Four."
The word ended in a gasp of pain.
-- George Orwell
OCCAM'S ERASER:
The philosophical principle that even the simplest
solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
OCCIDENT:
The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
are the principal industries of the Orient.
-- Ambrose Bierce
OCEAN:
A body of water occupying about two-thirds
of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
O.K., fine.
OLD TIMER:
One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
ONE SIZE FITS ALL:
Doesn't fit anyone.
OPTIMIST:
A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
OPTIMIST:
A proponent of the belief that black is white.
A pessimist asked God for relief.
"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
would justify them."
"The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
something -- the mortality of the optimist."
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
OPTIMIST:
Someone who goes down to the marriage
bureau to see if his license has expired.
ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
The word "No".
OREGON:
Eighty billion gallons of water with
no place to go on Saturday night.
O'Riordan's Theorem:
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
Purmal's Corollary:
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
availability goes to zero.
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
Murphy was an optimist.
Oatmeal raisin.
Objects are lost only because people
look where they are not rather than where they are.
Observe yon plumed biped fine.
To activate its captivation,
Deposit on its termination,
A quantity of particles saline.
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something to
be avoided than harped upon.
Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they
might just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do
something about helping to postpone this reunion.
-- Douglas Adams
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
to know so much and have control over nothing.
-- Herodotus
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
-- Plato
Of all things man is the measure.
-- Protagoras
Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet
wildly exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London
is the author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's
Daughter," "A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming
of all, "Gypsy Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found
on every page, to an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so,
in order to save himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
"Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a
pirate ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was,
Merry Wilding -- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from
New York to England, spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the
infamous "Black Joke"... There she was, trembling with pleasure in
the arms of her achingly handsome, sensationally sensual, golden-haired
captor -- Devon."
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
Official Project Stages:
1. Uncritical Acceptance
2. Wild Enthusiasm
3. Dejected Disillusionment
4. Total Confusion
5. Search for the Guilty
6. Punishment of the Innocent
7. Promotion of the Non-participants
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
Ogden's Law:
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
Oh, I could while away the hours,
Smoking herbs and flowers,
Shooting up my veins,
De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
If I dealt in good cocaine.
-- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
-- Pink Floyd
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
see if I don't.
-- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
Where the three-body problem is solved,
Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
And living up here is a bore.
Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
Where the space debris always collects,
We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
Solar power and zero-gee sex.
-- to Home on the Range
"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
-- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
-- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
Oh, so there you are!
Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
Born under one law, to another bound.
-- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
-- Don Herold
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
-- Shakespeare
Oh, when I was in love with you,
Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
How well did I behave.
And now the fancy passes by,
And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
Am quite myself again.
-- A.E. Housman
Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
-- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
the code over again, since I also removed the source.
Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old McDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had some chicks,
E-I-E-I-O
With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there,
Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo,
Old McDonald lost his farm,
'Cause he had too many chicks.
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
Old age is the harbor of all ills.
-- Bion
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
-- Trotsky
Old mail has arrived.
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
themselves for their inability to give bad examples.
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Olmstead's Law:
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
-- P. Denning
On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
[One is always a little afraid of love, but
above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
On ability:
A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
On day a Monterey daughter
Did scuba down under the water.
She later turned up
The mom of a pup,
And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
"Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
singing."
"Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
-- W.C. Fields' epitaph
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
-- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell
for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first
group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They
exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was
very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them.
Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group
and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and
all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
the way I do.
-- J. Feiffer
Once I finally figured out all of life's
answers, they changed the questions.
Once, I read that a man be never stronger
than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
Once Law was sitting on the bench
And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here."
Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
"Amica curiae," she replied --
"Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
I never saw your face before!"
Once a woman has given you her heart you
can never get rid of the rest of her.
-- Vanbrugh
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
Once, adv.: Enough.
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
-- Homer
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
-- Rainer Rilke
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
-- H.R. Haldeman
Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
die quicker than boredom!"
But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
-- Richard Bach
Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
When the day is done and the moon comes out,
And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
dolphins live forever!
Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
steal one of these birds.
Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
Once upon a time there...
Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
"Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
help you break such a spell."
"Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
the night under her pillow."
The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
her father and mother still don't believe her story.
Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
smaller prime numbers.
2: The Odd Prime --
It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
3: The True Prime --
Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in
case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received
the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
41: The Female Prime --
The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
Once you've tried to change the world you find
it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
One Bell System - it sometimes works.
One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
One Bell System - it works.
One big pile is better than two little piles.
-- Arlo Guthrie
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
-- Helen Keller
One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
-- J. Gustav White
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
to each cons."
Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
collector..."
One day,
A mad meta-poet,
With nothing to say,
Wrote a mad meta-poem
That started: "One day,
A mad meta-poet,
With nothing to say,
Wrote a mad meta-poem
That started: "One day,
[...]
sort of close".
Were the words that the poet,
Finally chose,
To bring his mad poem,
To some sort of close".
Were the words that the poet,
Finally chose,
To bring his mad poem,
To some sort of close".
One difference between a man and a machine
is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
you."
The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
Kelly?"
He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
-- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
One expresses well the love he does not feel.
-- J.A. Karr
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
One good reason why computers can do more work than
people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
One good thing about music,
Well, it helps you feel no pain.
So hit me with music;
Hit me with music now.
-- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
One good turn asketh another.
-- John Heywood
One good turn deserves another.
-- Gaius Petronius
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
-- George M. Cohan
One man's constant is another man's variable.
-- A.J. Perlis
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
-- Clifton Fadiman
One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of
wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me
like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
nobody can touch him.
-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
mathematics.
-- N. Wiener
One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
-- Joyce Carol Oates
One of the most expensive things in life
is a girl who is free for the evening.
One of the most striking differences between a
cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
-- Mark Twain
One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
is our support for UNIX?
Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
-- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
Olsen's brain. Ed.]
One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
-- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
-- Chinese proverb
One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
Go ask Alice Call Alice
When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
mushroom backwards
And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
I think she'll know. Feed your head.
Feed your head.
Feed your head.
-- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
One planet is all you get.
One possible reason why things aren't going
according to plan is that there never was a plan.
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
One thing the inventors can't seem to
get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
One toke over the line,
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
One toke over the line.
Waitin' for the train that goes home,
Hopin' that the train is on time,
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
One toke over the line.
One, two, three, four
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
Next stop is Vietnam.
Five, six, seven, eight
Open up the pearly gates.
Ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopie! We're all going to die.
-- Country Joe and the Fish
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
Only God can make random selections.
Only a fool has no doubts.
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
-- Laurence Peter
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Only fools are quoted.
-- Anonymous
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
-- Baba Ram Dass
Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
-- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
-- Lao Tsu
Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Onward through the fog.
Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later.
Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
Opium is very cheap considering you don't
feel like eating for the next six days.
-- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
Oppernockity tunes but once.
Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
work, so most people don't recognize them.
Optimization hinders evolution.
Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
-- J. Wellington Wells
Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
Order and simplification are the first steps toward
mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
-- Thomas Mann
Oreo
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams
Osborn's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
Other women cloy
The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
Where most she satisfies.
-- Antony and Cleopatra
Others will look to you for stability,
so hide when you bite your nails.
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
In kernel as it is in user.
Our business in life is not to succeed
but to continue to fail in high spirits.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be;
They are but broken lights of thee.
-- Tennyson
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
Our problems are so serious that the best
way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
"Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
some concrete example."
Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
"It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true."
"Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
"Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
"Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
-- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
We their sons are more worthless than they:
so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
Our swords shall play the orators for us.
-- Christopher Marlowe
Ours is a world where people don't know what they
want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
Out of sight is out of mind.
-- Arthur Clough
Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
-- Immanuel Kant
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
Over the shoulder supervision is more a
need of the manager than the programming task.
Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
move?'
-- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
Owe no man any thing...
-- Romans 13:8
Ozman's Laws:
(1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
(2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
(3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
(4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
PAIN:
One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
PAIN:
Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
PARANOIA:
A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
PARTY:
A gathering where you meet people who drink
so much you can't even remember their names.
PASCAL:
A programming language named after a man who would turn over
in his grave if he knew about it.
-- Datamation, January 15, 1984
PATENT:
A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
PAYCHECK:
The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
PEACE:
In international affairs, a period of
cheating between two periods of fighting.
-- Ambrose Bierce
PEEPING TOM:
A window fan.
PENGUINICITY!!
PENSION:
A federally insured chain letter.
PERFECT GUEST:
One who makes his host feel at home.
PERFORMANCE:
A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
PESSIMIST:
A man who spends all his time worrying
about how he can keep the wolf from the door.
OPTIMIST:
A man who refuses to see the wolf
until he seizes the seat of his pants.
OPPORTUNIST:
A man who invites the wolf in and
appears the next day in a fur coat.
PHILOSOPHY:
The ability to bear with calmness
the misfortunes of our friends.
PHILOSOPHY:
Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
PIG:
An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human
race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which,
however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
-- Ambrose Bierce
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
small animals.
PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
a car.
P-K4
PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more
to the problem set than to the solution set.
-- E.W. Dijkstra
PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
What develops when two people get
tired of making love to each other.
PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
PLUG IT IN!!!
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
POLITICIAN:
From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or
"face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
-- Martin Pitt
POLYGON:
Dead parrot.
POSITIVE:
Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
POVERTY:
An unfortunate state that persists as long
as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
POWER:
The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
PRAIRIES:
Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
PROGRAM:
Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
"sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
always justifies hiring at least three more people.
PROGRESS:
Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
invading the body and taking possession of it.
Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
level where they can't foul up operations.
PROMOTION:
New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
PURGE COMPLETE.
Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
-- D.J. Hicks
Pardon me while I laugh.
Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
Parkinson's Law:
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Pascal Users:
The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
Please modify your programs accordingly.
Pascal Users:
To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
Pascal is not a high-level language.
-- Steven Feiner
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
-- Eric Hoffer
Password:
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
Patch griefs with proverbs.
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
-- Gauss
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
Paulg's Law:
In America, it's not how much an
item costs, it's how much you save.
Paul's Law:
You can't fall off the floor.
Pause for storage relocation.
Payeen to a Twang
Derrida
Ore-Ida
potato.
If you dared,
I'd ask you
to go dig
up your ides under brown-
tubered skies.
where pitchforked
you will ask
Derrida?
Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
Peace cannot be kept by force; it
can only be achieved by understanding.
-- A. Einstein
Peace is much more precious than a piece
of land... let there be no more wars.
-- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
Peanut Blossoms
4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
8 eggs 4 tsp. soda
4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
Never eat rutabaga on any day of
the week that has a "y" in it.
Pelorat sighed.
"I will never understand people."
"There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
-- no offense intended."
-- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
People are beginning to notice you.
Try dressing before you leave the house.
People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
People humiliating a salami!
People in general do not willingly read
if they have anything else to amuse them.
-- S. Johnson
People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
persuasion.
"Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
People often find it easier to be a
result of the past than a cause of the future.
People respond to people who respond.
People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
the concentration camps.
People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
-- Ken Kesey
People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
People who claim they don't let little things bother
them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
People who have no faults are terrible;
there is no way of taking advantage of them.
People who have what they want are very fond of telling
people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
-- Ogden Nash
People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
People who push both buttons should get their wish.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
People who think they know everything
greatly annoy those of us who do.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
People's Action Rules:
(1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
(2) Some people who should, won't.
(3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
(4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
(5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
-- R.W. Hamming
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
or
[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
-- Aelius Donatus
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
-- Oscar Wilde
Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
-- Thomas Macaulay
Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
Perilous to all of us are the devices of
an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
-- Gandalf the Grey
Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
Waiter: Who told you?
Pete: A little swallow.
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the
mountains will look after themselves.
Peter's Principle of Success:
Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
Peter's Principle:
In every hierarchy, each employee tends
to rise to the level of his incompetence.
Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
Peterson's Admonition:
When you think you're going down for the third time --
just remember that you may have counted wrong.
Peterson's Rules:
(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
are filled with something sticky.
(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
Phasers locked on target, Captain.
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so
because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
Phone call for chucky-pooh.
Photographing a volcano is just about
the most miserable thing you can do.
-- Robert B. Goodman
[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
She left me not knowing what to do.
Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
With knowing I got noone left to blame.
Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
-- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
Pickle's Law:
If Congress must do a painful thing,
the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
Not one damn thing do we solve.
Piece of cake!
-- G.S. Koblas
Pittsburgh driver's test
10: Potholes are
a) extremely dangerous.
b) patriotic.
c) the fault of the previous administration.
d) all going to be fixed next summer.
The correct answer is b.
Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
you have nothing to worry about.
Pittsburgh driver's test
2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
a) stop immediately.
b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
c) blow the horn.
d) floor it.
The correct answer is d.
If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
Pittsburgh driver's test
3: When stopped at an intersection you should
a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
c) blow the horn.
d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
The correct answer is d.
You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
street turns yellow.
Answer c is worth a half point.
Pittsburgh driver's test
4: Exhaust gas is
a) beneficial.
b) not harmful.
c) toxic.
d) a punk band.
The correct answer is b.
The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
Pittsburgh driver's test
5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
How often should you test it?
a) once a year.
b) once a month.
c) once a day.
d) once an hour.
The correct answer is d.
You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
Pittsburgh driver's test
7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
but a steady left tail light.
a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
d) The driver is from out of town.
The correct answer is d.
Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
Pittsburgh driver's test
8: Pedestrians are
a) irrelevant.
b) communists.
c) a nuisance.
d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
completely.
Pittsburgh driver's test
9: Roads are salted in order to
a) kill grass.
b) melt snow.
c) help the economy.
d) prevent potholes.
The correct answer is c.
Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
steel industries.
Plagiarize, plagiarize,
Let no man's work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
Don't shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
Only be sure to call it research.
-- Tom Lehrer
Planet Claire has pink hair.
All the trees are red.
No one ever dies there.
No one has a head....
Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
-- Green Lantern Comics
Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
couldn't compete successfully with poets.
-- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell"
Please don't put a strain on our friendship
by asking me to do something for you.
Please don't recommend me to your friends--
it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
Please go away.
Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
Please ignore previous fortune.
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
Please remain calm, it's no use both of
us being hysterical at the same time.
Please stand for the Nation Anthem:
O Canada
Our home and native land
True patriot love
In all thy sons' command
With glowing hearts we see thee rise
The true north strong and free
From far and wide, O Canada
We stand on guard for thee
God keep our land glorious and free
O Canada we stand on guard for thee
O Canada we stand on guard for thee
Thank you. You may resume your seat.
Please stand for the National Anthem:
God save our Gracious Queen!
Long live our Noble Queen!
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign o'er us!
God save the Queen!
Thank you. You may resume your seat.
Please stand for the National Anthem:
Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous flight
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
Thank you. You may resume your seat.
Please take note:
Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
-- N. Meyrowitz
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
an uncontainable experience.
-- R.S. Knapp
Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
Pohl's law:
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates
can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
to build a bridge even where there is no river.
-- Nikita Khrushchev
Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
-- Winston Churchill
Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
Politics, like religion, hold up the
torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.
-- Thomas Jefferson
Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
The hyperactive child is never absent.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Poorman's Rule:
When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
pull it open.
Populus vult decipi.
[The people like to be deceived.]
Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
-- Risky Business
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
-- Ryan
Post proelium, praemium.
[After the battle, the reward.]
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
Poverty begins at home.
Power is poison.
Power is the finest token of affection.
Power, like a desolating pestilence,
Pollutes whate'er it touches...
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley
Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
-- Lord Acton
Practical people would be more practical if
they would take a little more time for dreaming.
-- J.P. McEvoy
Practically perfect people never permit
sentiment to muddle their thinking.
-- Mary Poppins
Practice is the best of all instructors.
-- Publilius
Practice yourself what you preach.
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
Praise the sea; on shore remain.
-- John Florio
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Prejudice:
A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
-- D.E. Knuth
Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
-- The Washington Post
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
Price's Advice:
It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
the working man, he loves to see him work.
-- Winston Churchill
[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
-- Winston Churchill
Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
For having it off with his Mater;
Revenge Dad or not?
That's the gist of the plot,
And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
-- Stanley J. Sharpless
Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
all I know.
-- Prof. J.H. Finley '25
Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
-- Blake
Prizes are for children.
-- Charles Ives,
upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate How.
-- Frederick Winsor
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng.
130 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on
his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Programmers do it until it goes down.
Programmers get overlaid.
Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
-- D.M. Ritchie
Programming Department:
Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an unnatural act.
Progress is impossible without change, and those who
cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
-- G.B. Shaw
Progress means replacing a theory that
is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
-- Ogden Nash
Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 becuase it's just about n.
QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
[1] Horses have an even number of legs.
[2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
[3] This makes a total of six legs,
which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse.
[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
[5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
intimidation,
gesticulation (handwaving),
"try it; it works",
constipation (I was just sitting there and...),
blatant assertion,
changing all the 2's to n's,
mutual consent,
lack of a counterexample, and,
"it stands to reason".
Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
-- Darrell Huff
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
-- Publilius Syrus
Prototype designs always work.
-- Don Vonada
Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
Pryor's Observation:
How long you live has nothing to do
with how long you are going to be dead.
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They
both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't
make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks
out the door.
Public use of any portable music system is a
virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
-- Zoso
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
Pudder's Law:
Anything that begins well will end badly.
(Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.
-- Mark Twain
Put another password in,
Bomb it out, then try again.
Try to get past logging in,
We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
Try his first wife's maiden name,
This is more than just a game.
It's real fun, but just the same,
It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
Put your best foot forward.
Or just call in and say you're sick.
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.
Q: Are we not men?
A: We are Vaxen.
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.
QED.
Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
A: He got re-possessed!
Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
A: With three more bullets.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
your wife?
A: You have to wait 22 months.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
in a hurricane?
A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A: When his lips move.
Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.
Q: But how did he get back down?
A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way!
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A: He changes the domain.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
those Californians trying to share the experience.
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.
It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.
Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We'll fix it in software.
Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The application can work around it.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The user can figure it out.
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
to really want to change.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A: 2 bits.
Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A: 9 edge down.
Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
and putting wings on an elephant is?
A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
QUALITY CONTROL:
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a
production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
QUARK:
The sound made by a well bred duck.
QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight
equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis
in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
symptoms of a qwert.
-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
sunglasses?
A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
A: Rule the country.
Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A: The very best person they can possibly be.
Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
A: The impossible dream.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
A: A good start.
Q: What do you call the WASP who doesn't work for
his father, isn't a lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A: A failure.
Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A: A howdah duty.
Q: What do you call the scratches
that you get when a female sheep bites you?
A: Ewe nicks.
Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies!
Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
a delicious dessert.
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A: Open other end.
Q: What goes
Click. "Did I get it?"
Click. "Did I get it?"
Click. "Did I get it?"
Click. "Did I get it?"
A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
A: Moby Pickle.
Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
A: Feet.
Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
A: A ball point carrot.
Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A: Open other end.
Q: What is purple and commutes?
A: A boolean grape.
Q: What is purple and commutes?
A: An Abelian grape.
Q: What is purple and concord the world?
A: Alexander the Grape.
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: What is the difference between a duck?
A: One leg is both the same.
Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
A: Her bowling shoes.
Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat,
brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?
A: Nothing.
Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
Q. What's the capital of Canada?
A. American.
Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the
Boy Scouts of America?
A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: You can't get down off an elephant.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A: One more drunk.
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the super-user password.
Q: Why did God create goyim?
A: Somebody had to buy retail.
Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
A: To get to the middle.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He was giving it last rites.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
A: Because that was her name.
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
A: One does the reading, one the writing, and the other
keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.
Quack!
Quack!! Quack!!
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
Question authority.
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Whom do you trust?
Questionable day.
Ask somebody something.
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
-- Oscar Wilde
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
Quigley's Law:
Whoever has any authority over you,
no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
Qvid me anxivs svm?
RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
READY
>_
RAM wasn't built in a day.
Random, n:
as in number, predictable.
as in memory access, unpredictable.
Reappraisal, n:
An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
Reception area, n:
The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
Cosmopolitan.
Reliable source, n:
The guy you just met.
Reputation, adj:
What others are not thinking about you.
Research, n:
Consider Columbus:
He didn't know where he was going.
When he got there he didn't know where he was.
When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
And he did it all on someone else's money.
Revolution, n:
A form of government abroad.
Robot, n:
Someone who's been made by a scientist.
Robot, n:
University administrator.
Robustness, adj:
Never having to say you're sorry.
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
RUGBY:
Elegant violence.
RUGGED:
Too heavy to lift.
Radicalism:
The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
-- A. Bierce
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
-- Albert Einstein
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
-- Errol Flynn
Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
-- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
Re: Graphics:
A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
described with pictures.
Reach into the thoughts of friends,
And find they do not know your name.
Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
And watch the feathers burst the seams.
Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
And feel its chill upon your blood.
Hold a candle to the night,
And see the darkness bend the flame.
Tear the mask of peace from God,
And hear the roar of souls in hell.
Pluck a rose in name of love,
And watch the petals curl and wilt.
Lean upon the western wind,
And know you are alone.
-- Dru Mims
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
Reagan can't act either.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real programmers don't document; if it was
hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Real programs don't eat cache.
Real wealth can only increase.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
Reality -- what a concept!
-- Robin Williams
Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
Reality does not exist - yet.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
-- Lily Tomlin
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
-- C.N. Parkinson
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel
better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
-- Dolph Sharp
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
Recursion is the root of computation
since it trades description for time.
Recursion: n. See Recursion.
-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
Regnant populi.
"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
starfield surrounding the ship.
"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
Remember Darwin; building a better
mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
-- Mt.
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
-- Hans Liepmann
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
it could only be worse in Cleveland.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember the... the... uhh.....
Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
Remember: use logout to logout.
Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
-- Chinese proverb
Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
Renning's Maxim:
Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
Reply hazy, ask again later.
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Reporter:
A writer who guesses his way to the truth
and dispels it with a tempest of words.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
-- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
so you're still a valiant nerd.
Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
and think what nobody else has thought.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-- Wernher von Braun
Resisting temptation is easier when you
think you'll probably get another chance later on.
Rest assured that your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
-- Deteriorata
Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
Bobby: Slow down.
Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
Bobby: Slow down.
Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
Revenge is a meal best served cold.
Review Questions
1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
Rhode's Law:
When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
assume otherwise, maybe.
"Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
"He was going to suck my blood!"
"Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
if they don't live our way."
...
"The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
"When you look at it that way..."
"Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
Whatever. We want. To do."
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
Riches cover a multitude of woes.
-- Menander
Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
going on here."
Croupier (handing money to Renault):
"Your winnings, sir."
Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
-- Casablanca
Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
rights, which they use or do not use.
-- Lazarus Long
Ring around the collar.
Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
well.
-- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
Ritchie's Rule:
(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance,
funding agencies will reject the proposal.
Rome was not built in one day.
-- John Heywood
Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
-- Elvis Costello
Roses are red;
Violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
And so am I.
Rotten wood cannot be carved.
-- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
Round Numbers are always false.
-- Samuel Johnson
Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Rudd's Discovery:
You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
$300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
stay in Washington and make it there.
Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
do it every time.
Rudin's Second Law:
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
course.
Rugby players eat their dead.
Rule of Creative Research:
1) Never draw what you can copy.
2) Never copy what you can trace.
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Rule of Defactualization:
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
bathroom.
Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
Rule of the Great:
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
Rules for Good Grammar #4.
1: Don't use no double negatives.
2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
4: About them sentence fragments.
5: When dangling, watch your participles.
6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
7: Just between you and i, case is important.
8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
13: Correct speling is essential.
14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
15: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
Rules for Writers:
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
Rules for driving in New York:
1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
intersection.
Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
-- Lao Tsu
Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
-- John Cameron Swayze
Ryan's Law:
Make three correct guesses consecutively
and you will establish yourself as an expert.
SADISM:
A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
SADO-NECRO-BESTIALITY:
Beating a dead horse.
SAFETY
I can live without
Someone I love
But not without
Someone I need.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of
Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at
you a great deal.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
SAN DIEGO:
Four million people, where you can't get a
good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
SAN FRANCISCO:
Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
-- Ken Thompson
SCENARIO:
An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
Scorpio people are murdered.
SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
to win. You never learn.
SEMINARS:
From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
SENILITY:
The state of mind of elderly persons
with whom one happens to disagree.
SERENDIPITY:
The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
share, n:
To give in, endure humiliation.
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!
SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN,
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
filed 30 days in advance.
SNAPPY REPARTEE:
What you'd say if you had another chance.
SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM:
You have two cows.
Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
CAPITALISM:
You sell one cow and buy a bull.
FACISM:
You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
The government sells it.
NAZISM:
The government shoots you and takes the cows.
NEW DEALISM:
The government shoots one cow,
milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
ANARCHISM:
Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
CONSERVATISM:
Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
SOFTWARE:
Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
SPINSTER:
A bachelor's wife.
SPOUSE:
Someone who'll stand by you through all the
trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
STANDARDS:
The principles we use to reject other people's code.
STATISTICS:
A system for expressing your political
prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN:
Bust truster.
STRATEGY:
A comprehensive plan of inaction.
STUPID:
Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay.
SUNSET:
Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
progressively reducing solar elevation.
SWEATER:
A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
Works equally poorly on all systems.
Sacher's Observation:
Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
Safety Third.
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
when you hit the ground.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
to psychological problems.
5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
staggering illegally.
9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
sanitary due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
supply on D-Day.
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
bugs, ants.
2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
5. Exotic birds flock around you.
6. People ignore you at parties.
7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
-- Heard on Noahs' ark
Sailors in ships, sail on!
Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
"Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
That way you'll get it out of your system."
Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
yelled at him:
"Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
at his head!"
Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
psychiatrist said. "Why?"
"Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
Sank heaven for leetle curls.
Santa Claus is watching!
Santa Claus wears a red suit
He's a Communist.
He has long hair and a beard
Must be a pacifist.
And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
-- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Satellite Safety Tip #14:
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
Is like being nowhere at all,
All through the day how the hours rush by,
You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
-- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
Satyrs have more faun.
Savage's Law of Expediency:
You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Save gas, don't eat beans.
Save gas, don't use the shell.
Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
Bust in business, lost your wife;
No one cares a cent about you,
You don't care a cent for life;
Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
Health is failing, wish you'd die--
Why, you've still the sunshine left you
And the big blue sky.
-- R.W. Service
Say many of cameras focused t'us,
Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
No justice, please, curse ye!
We really want mercy:
You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
-- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
Say my love is easy had,
Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
Still behold me at your side.
Say I'm neither brave nor young,
Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue,
Still you have my heart to wear.
But say my verses do not scan,
And I get me another man!
-- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
Say no, then negotiate.
-- Helga
Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
Schapiro's Explanation:
The grass is always greener on the other side --
but that's because they use more manure.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Science Fiction, Double Feature.
Frank has built and lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
The servants gone to a distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
is a house.
-- Jules Henri Poincare
Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
To seek a shelter in some happier star?
Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
-- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
Scientists still know less about what attracts men
than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
-- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
"What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
together. "There is now", came the reply.
Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
Scott's First Law:
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Scott's Second Law:
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
to have been wrong in the first place.
Corollary:
After the correction has been found in error, it will be
impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
equation.
Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
Spock: Affirmative.
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
-- Edgar Berman
Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
And we've also found Just flip one switch
When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
in a flash.
Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
-- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
Scratch the disks!
Drop the core!
Roll the tapes across the floor!
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
Sears has everything.
Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
will pick the wrong one.
Corollary:
If there is only one way to spell a name,
you will spell it wrong, anyway.
Second Law of Final Exams:
In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
[Who guards the Guardians?]
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.
-- Stanislaw Lem
Seeing is believing.
You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
-- James Thurber
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
-- Alfred North Whitehead
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
Send lawyers, guns, and money,
The shit has hit the fan.
-- Warren Zevon
Send some filthy mail.
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Serfs up!
-- Spartacus
Serocki's Stricture:
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
Set the cart before the horse.
-- John Heywood
"Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
"I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
"Too proud?" the other enquired.
Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
she said, "that one can't help growing older."
"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
-- M.C. Reed
Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
No, I guess not.
Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
-- J.M. Barrie
Shame is an improper emotion invented by
pietists to oppress the human race.
-- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at
the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's
a joke about that:
A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
service,
"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
"Look who thinks he's nobody!"
Shannon's Observation
Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
that is beginning to improve.
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use,
and only a fool will want to use it.
She asked me, "What's your sign?"
I blinked and answered "Neon,"
I thought I'd blow her mind...
She been married so many times
she got rice marks all over her face.
-- Tom Waits
She begged and she pleaded for more.
I said, "We've already had four,
And I'm sure that you've heard,
Though its somewhat absurd,
That eros spelt backwards is sore."
She blinded me with science!
She can kill all your files;
She can freeze with a frown.
And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
And she works on her code until ten after three.
She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
-- Apologies to Billy Joel
She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
She often gave herself very good advice
(though she very seldom followed it).
-- Lewis Carroll
She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
-- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
She sells cshs by the cshore.
She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
Shedenhelm's Law:
All trails have more uphill sections
than they have downhill sections.
"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
-- Samuel Johnson
She's learned to say things with her eyes
that others waste time putting into words.
She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
She's such a kinky girl,
The kind you don't take home to mother.
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street.
Shick's Law:
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
Shift to the left,
Shift to the right,
Mask in, mask out,
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you
know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE
says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know?
He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed
with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home
to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime!
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll
show you a man who playing golf with his boss.
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
Showing up is 80% of life.
-- Woody Allen
Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
-- Voltaire
Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
-- Henri Estienne
Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
Sic transit gloria Monday!
Sic transit gloria mundi.
[So passes away the glory of this world.]
-- Thomas a Kempis
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
-- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
raise bloody hell.
-- Herbert Block
Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
-- Thomas Carlyle
Silverman's Law:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Simon's Law:
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
Sin boldly.
-- Martin Luther
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
-- Lazarus Long
Since I hurt my pendulum
My life is all erratic.
My parrot who was cordial
Is now transmitting static.
The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
The cat keeps doing poo.
The only thing that keeps me sane
Is talking to my shoe.
-- My Shoe
Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
burst out in laughter.
-- Long Chen Pa
Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
-- Tom Stoppard
Sink or Swim with Teddy!
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
-- Winston Churchill
Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
-- CP30
Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
every copy.
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
should have gotten.
Slang is language that takes off its coat,
spits on its hands, and goes to work.
Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
-- W.C. Fields
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
attracted to dark objects.
Slous' Contention:
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
Slow day.
Practice crawling.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
Small is beautiful.
-- Schumacher's Dictum
Small things make base men proud.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Smear the road with a runner!!
Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
Snow Day -- stay home.
Snow and adolescence are the only problems
that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
-- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
So far as I can remember, there is not one
word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
-- Bertrand Russell
So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
-- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
So many men and so little time.
So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
So many women, and so little time!
So much
depends
upon
a red
wheel
barrow
glazed with
rain
water
beside
the white
chickens.
-- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots.
-- Samuel Foote
So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
So this it it. We're going to die.
So you think that money is the root of all evil.
Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
-- Ayn Rand
So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive",
and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
So you're back... about time...
Soap and education are not as sudden as a
massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
-- Mark Twain
Soldiers who wish to be a hero
Are practically zero,
But those who wish to be civilians,
They run into the millions.
Solutions are obvious if one only has the
optical power to observe them over the horizon.
-- K.A. Arsdall
Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
And we always, always eat our vegetables.
This is the Minneapple.
Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
and some few to be chewed and digested.
-- Francis Bacon
[As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
as when you find a trout in the milk.
-- Thoreau
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
Some men feel that the only thing they owe
the woman who marries them is a grudge.
-- Helen Rowland
Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
-- Woodie Guthrie
Some men who fear that they are playing
second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
The answer is: I don't know.
Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
Some of the things that live the longest
in peoples' memories never really happened.
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-- Gloria Steinem
Some parts of the past must be preserved,
and some of the future prevented at all costs.
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve
mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
Some people around here wouldn't recognize
subtlety if it hit them on the head.
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
Some people cause happiness wherever
they go; others, whenever they go.
Some people have a great ambition: to build something
that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
Some people have parts that are so private
they themselves have no knowledge of them.
Some people manage by the book, even though they
don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
Some people need a good imaginary cure
for their painful imaginary ailment.
Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction, ice
Is also great
And would suffice
-- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
-- Folk saying
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
I found a pile of them over in the corner.
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
Someday you'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
Someday your prints will come.
-- Kodak
Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
Someone is speaking well of you.
Someone is speaking well of you.
How unusual!
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
-- Shakespeare
Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
-- N.V. Plyter
Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
Either light up or leave me alone.
Sometimes I live in the country,
And sometimes I live in town.
And sometimes I have a great notion,
To jump in the river and drown.
Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
-- Lily Tomlin
Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
-- Richard M. Nixon
Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
-- Seneca
Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
Other times I can hardly see.
Lately it occurs to me
What a long strange trip it's been.
-- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
-- Snoopy
Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
-- Andy Capp
Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
Machineries of Joy?"
"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
-- Carl Sagan
Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
-- Sky Masterson's Father
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
Sorry. Nice try.
Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.
-- Little Richard
Sorry never means having you're say to love.
So... so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell?
Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in a war
For the lead role in a cage?
-- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Space is to place as eternity is to time.
-- Joseph Joubert
Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
-- Wheeler
Speak roughly to your little Vax,
And boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
Because the paging thrashes!
I speak severely to my Vax,
And boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks,
My jobs it always trashes!
Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy
Because he knows it teases.
Wow! wow! wow!
I speak severely to my boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!
Wow! wow! wow!
"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
syllable is thine!"
-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
Spence's Admonition:
Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
Spock: The odds of surviving another
attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
Spring is here, spring is here,
Life is skittles and life is beer.
Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
Stamp out philately.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think
I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy,
Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
So mass the pixer and kill my fup
I've all day sober to sunday up.
Start the day with a smile.
After that you can be your nasty old self again.
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
-- Henry Clay
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
Stay the curse.
Stay together, drag each other down.
Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
Though we really did try to make it,
Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
It used to be so easy living here with you,
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
There'll be good times again for me and you,
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
But it's too late baby...
It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
-- Carol King, "Tapestry"
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
its rate is a matter of discretion.
-- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
Steckel's Rule to Success:
Good enough is never good enough.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something --
I believe I'll have another drink.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
-- Steinbach
Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
Embezzlement is another matter.
Step back, unbelievers!
Or the rain will never come.
Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
But I swear to you, before this day is out,
you folks are gonna see some rain!
Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
Stock's Observation:
You no sooner get your head above water
but what someone pulls your flippers off.
Stone's Law:
One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
on the credulity of human nature.
Stop me, before I kill again!
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
Now, if they'd only take a bath...
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
never comes again. San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
were doing was right, that we were winning...
And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
broke and rolled back.
-- H.S. Thompson
Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
and have a nice day.
Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
Stult's Report:
Our problems are mostly behind us.
What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-- Mark Twain
Success is a journey, not a destination.
Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
-- Donald Kaul
Sum quod eris.
Sun in the night, everyone is together,
Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
-- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
It hangs down from the chandelier
Nobody knows quite what it does
Its color is odd and its shape is weird
It emits a high-sounding buzz
It grows a couple of feet each day
and wriggles with sort of a twitch
Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
a visiting uncle who's rich!
-- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
-- Martin Luther
Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
Support the American Kidney Foundation.
Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
Support your local church or synagogue.
Worship at Bank of America.
Support your local hooker! Play rugby!
Support your right to arm bears!!
Support your right to bare arms!
-- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
But what if he forgets?
Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
Just type in your name and social security number.
Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
Name #
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
-- Wm. Shakespeare
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
-- Thomas Tusser
Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
I rush!
-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
Swipple's Rule of Order:
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
System checkpoint complete.
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
System going down in 5 minutes.
System restarting, wait...
System/3! System/3!
See how it runs! See how it runs!
Its monitor loses so totally!
It runs all its programs in RPG!
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
-- R.S. Barton
T. Sturgeon's Law:
90% of everything is crap.
TACKY:
Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
TACT:
The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
headed. You are a Communist.
TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
TAX OFFICE:
Den of inequity.
TAXES:
Of life's two certainties,
the only one for which you can get an extension.
TEAMWORK:
Having someone to blame.
TEUTONIC:
Not enough gin.
TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
-- Gordon Bell
THE BEATLES:
Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
--That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
which UFOs come.
--That pi equals precisely 3.000.
--That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
squared the circle.
--That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the
absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".
LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
operators include the "California booleans", FERSURE and NOWAY. VALGOL
is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when
the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message GAG
ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY AWESOME!
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
he travels across the screen.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The
latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this
language.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
THE NEW RIGHT:
A javelin team that elects to receive.
THEORY
Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
-- Dorothy Parker
THEORY:
System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
it will look in print.
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution
of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support.
Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of
you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal
cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase
to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between
midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you
forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss
out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or
more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly
program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune
Hunter" coffee mug!
THREE-BAG UGLY:
That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep it
from howling.
TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
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Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
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Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
TODAY:
A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
TRAGEDY:
A busload of lawyers driving off a cliff with three empty seats.
TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
TRANSFER:
A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
TRANSPARENT:
Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
"It's there, but you can't see it"
-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
VIRTUAL:
Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
"I can see it, but it's not there."
-- Lady Macbeth.
TRANSVESTITE:
Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
TRAVEL:
Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
TRUTHFUL:
Dumb and illiterate.
Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
-- Jean Cocteau
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
And you're fair game,
You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
Just relax, enjoy the ride.
Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
(chorus)
The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
(chorus)
-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
Take an astronaut to launch.
Take care of the luxuries and the
necessities will take care of themselves.
-- L. Long
Take everything in stride.
Trample anyone who gets in your way.
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
-- Kipling
Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
have given them to you.
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
-- Ken Kesey
Take your Senator to lunch this week.
Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
-- Euripides
Talkers are no good doers.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
Tan me hide when I'm dead.
So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
It's hanging there on the shed.
All together now...
Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
Tie me kangaroo down.
Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
Tie me kangaroo down.
Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
-- B. Franklin
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
-- Russell Long
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
Teachers have class.
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
being only an inference.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Technological progress has merely provided us
with more efficient means for going backwards.
-- Aldous Huxley
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
-- Geoffrey Chaucer
Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
-- Erma Bombeck
Television is now so desperately hungry for material
that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
-- Gore Vidal
Television only proves that people will look at anything --
rather than each other.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
to touch to be sure.
Tell me what to think!!!
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
-- A. Hope
Tempt me with a spoon!
Tempt not a desperate man.
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
-- Napoleon I
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
way of telling you to stop writing.
-- R. Geis
"Terence, this is stupid stuff:
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
It gives a chap the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well the horned head:
We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
-- A.E. Housman
Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
school, and then work, work, work till we die.
-- C.S. Lewis
Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan,
and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about
his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the
sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd).
This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
is impossible."
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
-- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
[Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.]
Test for paraquat:
Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
the solution will turn blue-green.
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
called you from here."
Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
-- Wayne Oakes
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
-- Heine
That does not compute.
That money talks,
I'll not deny,
I heard it once,
It said "Good-bye.
-- Richard Armour
That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
-- Moliere
That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
That that is is that that is not is not.
That, that is, is.
That, that is not, is not.
That, that is, is not that, that is not.
That, that is not, is not that, that is.
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
-- Dorothy Parker
That's always the way when you discover
something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
-- Evelyn E. Smith
That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
-- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
That's life.
What's life?
A magazine.
How much does it cost?
Two-fifty.
I only have a dollar.
That's life.
That's no moon...
-- Obi-wan Kenobi
That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
-- Neil Armstrong
That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
-- Bill Veeck
That's what she said.
The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
-- Lewis Carroll
The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
The key elements in human thinking are
not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
-- L. Zadeh
The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
-- R.B. Greenberg
The 357.73 Theory --
Auditors always reject expense accounts
with a bottom line divisible by 5.
The Abrams' Principle:
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
-- Winston Churchill, 1942
The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
-- Al Capone
The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
-- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
-- E. Costello
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability.
-- T. Lehrer
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
-- Bill Murray
The Bible on letters of reference:
Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
-- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.
-- Dumas
The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
and the bird is on the wing.
-- Omar Khayyam
The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.
The British are coming! The British are coming!
The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
The Commandments of the EE:
1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
embarrassing manner.
2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
earthly vale of tears.
3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
a radiator too.
4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
unbelievers.
The Commandments of the EE:
5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
the fury of the engineers on his head.
7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
The Commandments of the EE:
9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
innocent-seeming device.
The Crown is full of it!
-- Nate Harris, 1775
The English have no respect for their language,
and will not teach their children to speak it.
-- G.B. Shaw
The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
The Force is what holds everything together.
It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
completely surrounded by people who want some.
-- Dwight MacDonald
[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
-- Somerset Maugham
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
He who has the gold makes the rules.
The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
-- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
have lunch?".
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
the subject of towels.
Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
reckoned with.
The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
the subject of towels.
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
-- D. Cohen
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
the group divided by the number of people in the group.
The Junior God now heads the roll
In the list of heaven's peers;
He sits in the House of High Control,
And he regulates the spheres.
Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
If, even in gods divine,
The best and wisest may not be those
Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
-- R.W. Service
The Kennedy Constant:
Don't get mad -- get even.
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
And now, just look at me."
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
-- Anatole France
The Law of Probable Dispersal:
That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
The Law of the Letter:
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we
could grab as much as we could with both of them.
-- Major Major's father
The Marines:
The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
The Marines:
The few, the proud, the not very bright.
The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
have a quarter?"
The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
right! Can I have a dollar?"
The Modelski Chain Rule:
1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
Hewlett-Packard.
2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
bright-looking individual.
3: Procure a large chain.
4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
The Moral Majority is neither.
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
-- Matthew 5:37
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
of Corporate Planning."
The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
god at 8:15 the next morning.
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
The Poems, all three hundred of them,
may be summed up in one of their phrases:
"Let our thoughts be correct".
-- Confucius
The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
-- Ogden Nash
The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
-- Mark Twain
The Rabbits The Cow
Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
-- Ogden Nash
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat --
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
The Roman Rule
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
one who is doing it.
The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study
of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common:
1) They all had moderate appetites.
2) They all came from middle class homes.
3) All but two of them were dead.
The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
-- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
The Split-Atom Blues
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
But if you split those atoms fine,
Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
Gimme zits, take my dough,
Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
-- Milo Bloom
The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
the dark leaks out.
The Thought Police are here. They've come
To put you under cardiac arrest.
And as they drag you through the door
They tell you that you've failed the test.
-- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
world put together.
-- Sir Peter Medawar
The United States Army;
194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
The Universe is populated by stable things.
-- Richard Dawkins
The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
-- John Wayne
The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
-- T. Cheatham
The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
-- A. Camus
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
-- Clifton Fadiman
The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
-- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
-- Whitehead.
The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
with which you can threaten your enemies.
-- Bonnard
The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
-- Albertano of Brescia
The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
And dare not stray to ideas new,
For if t'were tried they might e'en work
And for a living what woulds't we do?
The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and
Everything was released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated
Union of Philosophers, Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional
Thinking Persons.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
their father.
-- Mencken
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
-- W.C. Fields
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
-- Scotty
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
by judging things by their price.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
-- Blair
The best man for the job is often a woman.
The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
-- Wordsworth
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
The best things in life are for a fee.
The best way to avoid responsibility is
to say, "I've got responsibilities."
The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it,
and the right to smoke is a right worth dying for.
The best you get is an even break.
-- Franklin Adams
The better part of valor is discretion.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
The big question is why in the course of evolution the males
permitted themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females.
Why do they tolerate this total subservience, this wretched
existence as outcasts who are hungry all the time?
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The biggest difference between time
and space is that you can't reuse time.
-- Merrick Furst
The biggest mistake you can make is to
believe that you are working for someone else.
The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
The bustard's a remarkable fowl
With surely no reason to growl
He escapes what would be
Illegitimacy
By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
-- Herbert von Fritzlar
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one
most likely to show up at the steam fitters picnic.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The church saves sinners, but science
seeks to stop their manufacture.
-- Elbert Hubbard
The climate of Bombay is such that
its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The closest to perfection a person ever comes
is when he fills out a job application form.
-- Stanley J. Randall
The coast was clear.
-- Lope de Vega
The college graduate is presented with a
sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.
-- Robert M. Hutchins
The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
central power station is to the electrical industry.
-- Peter Drucker
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
-- Alan Perlis
The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
defined several times by examples of what it is not.
The control of the production of wealth
is the control of human life itself.
-- Hilaire Belloc
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get
you talked about.
-- Lazarus Long
The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
The cost of living has gone up, another buck a fifth.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
cermoniously handed it to the defendant.
"Congratulations!" said the jurist. "You have just become a
father!"
The cow is nothing but a machine which
makes grass fit for us people to eat.
-- John McNulty
The cruelest of creatures' the crab
With claws that can pinch you or stab,
And then when you dine
On crab and white wine
It gets you as well with the tab.
The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
The days just prior to marriage are like
a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
The degree of civilization in a society
can be judged by entering its prisons.
-- F. Dostoyevski
The degree of technical confidence is inversely
proportional to the level of management.
The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
-- Anaxagoras
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
The die is cast.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
-- Mark Twain
The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
it would be a calamity.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
is thinking that they're conspiring.
-- J. Kegler
The difference between legal separation and divorce is
that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
-- Robert Heinlein
The difference between the right word and the almost right word
is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain
The difference between this place and yogurt
is that yogurt has a live culture.
The difference between us is not very far,
cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
-- Ambrose Bierce
The distinction between true and false appears to become
increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
-- Arne Tiselius
The door is the key.
The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
it to his master.
"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
The early worm gets the bird.
The early worm gets the late bird.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
The end of the world will occur at three p.m.,
this Friday, with symposium to follow.
The ends justify the means.
-- after Matthew Prior
The eternal feminine draws us upward.
-- Goethe
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
All the livelong day;
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
You cannot get away;
Do not think you can escape them
From night 'til early in the morn;
The eyes of Texas are upon you
'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
-- University of Texas' school song
The eyes of taxes are upon you.
The fact that it works is immaterial.
-- L. Ogborn
The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
compassion.
-- Saul Alinsky
The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
"Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
The farther you go, the less you know.
-- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
for them to despise science fiction.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic
death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks.
Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city,
complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his
breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's
death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's
relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some
were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A
few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants
unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of
grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas
Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and
the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely
accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant
of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's
enemies, and revamp the postal system.
-- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon"
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
-- Abbie Hoffman
The first guy that rats gets a belly-full
of slugs in the head. Understand?
-- Joey Glimco
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The first requisite for immortality is death.
-- Stanislaw Lem
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
was propounded to me by my father:
"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up.
"A herring," said my father.
"A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
"So hang it there."
"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
"Paint it."
"But a herring isn't wet."
"If its just painted it's still wet."
"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage,
"a herring doesn't whistle!!"
"Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
-- Leo Rosten
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-- Ehrlich
The first thing I do in the morning
is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
-- D. Parker
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
The first version always gets thrown away.
The following statement is not true.
The previous statement is true.
The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
rests on mutual help.
-- Laukikanyay.
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
The future is a myth created by insurance
salesmen and high school counselors.
The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
-- H.G. Wells
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
The future lies ahead.
The future not being born, my friend,
we will abstain from baptizing it.
-- George Meredith
The garden is in mourning;
The rain falls cool among the flowers.
Summer shivers quietly
On its way towards its end.
Golden leaf after leaf
Falls from the tall acacia.
Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
In this dying dream of a garden.
For a long while, yet, in the roses,
She will linger on, yearning for peace,
And slowly
Close her weary eyes.
-- Hermann Hesse, "September"
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something
that will at least last until we've finished building it.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
They gave him love and he invented marriage.
The good life was so elusive
It really got me down
I had to regain some confidence
So I got into camaflouge
The good time is approaching,
The season is at hand.
When the merry click of the two-base lick
Will be heard throughout the land.
The frost still lingers on the earth, and
Budless are the trees.
But the merry ring of the voice of spring
Is borne upon the breeze.
-- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
and they can't fire it.
The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
"Send Lord Combermere."
"But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
Combermere a fool."
"So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
-- G.W.E. Russell
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
The grave's a fine and private place,
but none, I think, do there embrace.
-- Andrew Marvell
The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
-- Sigmund Freud
The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
-- Sophocles
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
-- Robert Heinlein
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
-- Albert Einstein
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
of functions performed by private citizens.
-- Alexis de Tocqueville
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
-- Blaise Pascal
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
The heaviest object in the world is the
body of the woman you have ceased to love.
-- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
The help people need most urgently is
help in admitting that they need help.
The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
adventurous youth.
-- Benjamin Cardozo
The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
Retribution:
I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
Anticipation:
I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
Diplomacy:
I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
pretext that your brother did it.
The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
-- Helen Rowland
The horror... the horror!
The human animal differs from the lesser
primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
-- H. Allen Smith
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
-- Mark Twain
The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
-- Harry V. Wade
The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
-- John Maynard Keyes
The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
-- Quintus Ennius
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
-- Bertrand Russell
The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
pointer and a mark.
-- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
The kind of danger people most enjoy is
the kind they can watch from a safe place.
The knowledge that makes us cherish
innocence makes innocence unattainable.
-- Irving Howe
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
-- Dorothy Parker
The last person who said that (God
rest his soul) lived to regret it.
The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
-- Governor Tarkin
The less time planning, the more time programming.
The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
-- Plato
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
-- Morris Bishop
The lion and the calf shall lie down
together but the calf won't get much sleep.
-- Woody Allen
The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
-- DeGourmont
The little pieces of my life I give to you,
with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
simply making a limiting statement about himself.
-- Sidney Harris
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
-- Henry Kissinger
The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
-- Marcus Terentius Varro
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
The major advances in civilization are processes
that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
-- A.N. Whitehead
The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he
pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
"Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
"Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it."
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
been.
-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
-- Menander
The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
-- Bertolt Brecht
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
-- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
The man who runs may fight again.
-- Menander
The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
-- Old Japanese proverb
The man who understands one woman is
qualified to understand pretty well everything.
-- Yeats
The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She
is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
-- Norton
The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
-- Wilhelm Stekel
The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
master calls a butterfly.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
are one, and that one is marxism.
-- Heidi Hartmann,
"The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
-- Bulwer
The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
always end up on their ends without any means.
-- Saul Alinsky
The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
-- Carl Jung
[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
for impotency.
-- W. Churchill
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
"Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
What matter where, if I be still the same,
And what I should be, all but less than he
Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
-- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
being who produces the impressions.
-- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade
The moon is made of green cheese.
-- John Heywood
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
The more I know men the more I like my horse.
The more I learn about men, the more I love my dog.
The more I learn about women, the more I love my cat.
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
-- R. Bach, "Illusions"
The more complex the mind, the greater
the need for the simplicity of play.
-- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
The more control, the more that requires control.
The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
the odds that the competition already has the order.
The more laws and order are made prominent,
the more thieves and robbers there will be.
-- Lao Tsu
The more the merrier.
-- John Heywood
The more things change, the more they remain the same.
-- Alphonse Karr
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
The more we disagree, the more chance
there is that at least one of us is right.
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
have the good fortune to find one.
-- Carlyle
The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
-- H.L. Mencken
The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
-- T.H. White
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
-- Isaac Asimov
The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
The most important early product on the way
to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
The most important things, each person must do for himself.
The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which
you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to
stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the
man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into
your eyes - or just by staring into space.
-- Marilyn Monroe
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
-- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
The nearer to the church, the further from God.
-- John Heywood
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
I hope I don't get run over again.
The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
to me is going to have his head knocked off.
-- Bill Conrad
The next thing I say to you will be true.
The last thing I said was false.
The nice thing about standards
is that there are so many of them to choose from.
-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
The night passes quickly when you're asleep
But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
...
Breakfast at the Egg House,
Like the waffle on the griddle,
I'm burnt around the edges,
But I'm tender in the middle.
-- Adrian Belew
The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
-- D.M. Ritchie
The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
when called upon.
However...
When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
The odds are five to six that the headlight at the
end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.
The older I grow, the more I distrust the
familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
-- H.L. Mencken
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
The one L lama, he's a priest
The two L llama, he's a beast
And I will bet my silk pyjama
There isn't any three L lllama.
-- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
The one good thing about repeating your
mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
The one sure way to make a lazy man look
respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
-- Pliny the Elder
The only constant is change.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
-- Oscar Wilde
The only difference between your girlfriend
and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
The only difference in the game of love over the last few
thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
-- The Indianapolis Star
The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
beyond this they have not legitimacy.
-- Einstein.
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
The only possible interpretation of any research
whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
-- Ernest Rutherford
The only problem with being a man of leisure
is that you can never stop and take a rest.
The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
-- Phaedrus
The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
-- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
-- C. Schultz
The only reward of virtue is virtue.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The only thing better than love is milk.
The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
It is never any use to oneself.
-- Oscar Wilde
The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
-- Earl Warren
The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
-- C. Schultz
The only way to amuse some people
is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
-- Oscar Wilde
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-- Oscar Wilde
The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-- Mark Twain
The only way you'll ever hear from
me is if you're living in the same hell.
-- Roy Harper
The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
-- Jean de la Bruyere
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.
It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
-- Bohr
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimum committee has no members.
-- Norman Augustine
The opulence of the front office door varies
inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The other line moves faster.
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
-- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
The past always looks better than it was.
It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
The people sensible enough to give
good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
person you have always wanted to be.
-- Nancy Friday
The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
quality of joy.
-- Erica Jong
The person who can smile when something
goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
The philosopher's treatment of a question
is like the treatment of an illness.
-- Wittgenstein.
The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
blound by the sun and he dropped it.
-- Dizzy Dean
The pleasure is transitory, the cost
prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
-- Disraeli, on sex
The plural of spouse is spice.
The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
save your sanity for later.
The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
-- Buckminster Fuller
The pollution's at that awkward stage.
Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
-- Doug Sneyd
The price of greatness is responsibility.
The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
-- C. Glymour.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
program, should the value of pi change.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
The probability of someone watching you is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The problem with any unwritten law is that
you don't know where to go to erase it.
-- Glaser and Way
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
-- Elizabeth Taylor
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
certainties.
-- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
The questions remain the same.
The answers are eternally variable.
The race is not always to the swift... but that's the way to bet.
-- Runyon
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
The real man's Bloody Mary:
Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire
sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
Throw all the other ingredients away.
The real reason psychology is hard is that
psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
The reason they're called wisdom teeth
is that the experience makes you wise.
The reason why worry kills more people
than work is that more people worry than work.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw
The relative importance of files depends on their cost
in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
-- T.A. Dolotta
The revolution will not be televised.
The reward for working hard is more hard work.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
-- Emerson
The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
The haves get more, the have-nots die.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
-- Justice Douglas
The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
upon the successful management of which so much remains.
-- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
The ripest fruit falls first.
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
The road to Hades is easy to travel.
-- Bion
The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
-- J. Gooding
The road to ruin is always in good repair,
and the travellers pay the expense of it.
-- Josh Billings
The root of all superstition is that men
observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
-- Francis Bacon
The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
-- Lewis Carroll
The rules:
1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
the console keyboard.
3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
card decks together.
4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
especially if you're already married.
5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
a stool to reach another disk pack.
6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
shift.
7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
The savior becomes the victim.
The second best policy is dishonesty.
The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
The secret of success is sincerity.
Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
there is no humor in Heaven.
-- Mark Twain
The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
him are dead, he is alive.
Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
-- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
The sheep died in the wool.
The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-- Noelie Altito
The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
-- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
-- [just say that five times...]
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
And surly Winter grimly flies.
Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
The yellow Autumn presses near;
Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
Till smiling Spring again appear.
Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
But never ranging, still unchanging,
I adore my bonnie Bell.
-- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
-- Max Lerner
The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
its theories will hold water.
The solution of problems is the most characteristic
and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
-- William James
The solution of this problem is trivial
and is left as an exercise for the reader.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
-- Peer
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
reality.
-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
The star of riches is shining upon you.
The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
back by years.
-- Douglas Adams
The street preacher looked so baffled
When I asked him why he dressed
With forty pounds of headlines
Stapled to his chest.
But he cursed me when I proved to him
I said, "Not even you can hide.
You see, you're just like me.
I hope you're satisfied."
-- Bob Dylan
The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
-- Lord Halifax
The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
-- The Silver Surfer
The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
-- RKO
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
-- Lewis Carroll
The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
-- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
The superfluous is very necessary.
-- Voltaire
The superior man understands what is right;
the inferior man understands what will sell.
-- Confucius
The surest way to remain a winner is to
win once, and then not play any more.
The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
-- Aldo Leopold
The thing that takes up the least amount of time
and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
The three laws of thermodynamics:
(1) You can't get anything without working for it.
(2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
(3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
The time for action is past!
Now is the time for senseless bickering.
The time is right to make new friends.
The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
-- C.N. Parkinson
The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
brought."
-- Alistair Cooke
The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
-- Hosea Ballou
The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
-- Little Big Man
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
The trouble with being punctual is that people
think you have nothing more important to do.
The trouble with computers is that they do
what you tell them, not what you want.
-- D. Cohen
The trouble with doing something right the first
time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The trouble with money is it costs too much!
The trouble with opportunity is that it
always comes disguised as hard work.
-- Herbert V. Prochnow
The trouble with some women is that they get
all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
-- Cher
The trouble with you
Is the trouble with me.
Got two good eyes
But we still don't see.
-- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
people stumble than to be walked upon.
-- Franz Kafka
The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
-- Andre Malraux
The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
-- Oscar Wilde
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
And vice versa.
The truth you speak has no past and no future.
It is, and that's all it needs to be.
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.
-- O. Nash
The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
-- G.B. Shaw
The two things that can get you into trouble
quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
-- Oscar Wilde
The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
Eh?
So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
Eh?
-- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
Beauty!
The ultimate game show will be the one
where somebody gets killed at the end.
-- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
The universe is an island,
surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
It cannot be ruled by interfering.
-- Chinese proverb
The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
-- Sagan
The use of COBOL cripples the mind;
its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
-- E.W. Dijkstra
The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
-- B. Franklin
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The very first essential for success is a perpetually
constant and regular employment of violence.
-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
The warning message we sent the Russians was a
calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
-- Alexander Haig
The water was not fit to drink.
To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
-- W. Churchill
The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot of
your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
The way to make a small fortune
in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
I feel together today!
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
but the leaves are good to smoke!
-- The Shadow
The white race is the cancer of history.
-- Susan Sontag
The whole of life is futile unless you
consider it as a sporting proposition.
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
-- George Gobel
The wise man seeks everything in himself;
the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
-- Balzac
The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
designed for people who walk on their hands.
-- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
The world is coming to an end!
Repent and return those library books!
The world is full of people who have never, since
childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
-- E.B. White
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
-- E. Hubbard
The world is not octal despite DEC.
The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
The world really isn't any worse.
It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
The world wants to be deceived.
-- Sebastian Brant
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful
-- Frederick Locker-Lampson
The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
nor its great scholars great men.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
-- G.B. Shaw
The worst is enemy of the bad.
The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
-- King Lear
The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
-- G.B. Shaw
The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
-- David Viscott
The yankees, son, are up north.
The damnyankees are down here.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
the answers.
The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $100 a day.
He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $15 apiece."
"What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
they only charge $1 a ball!"
"Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
rooms."
Theft from a single author is plagiarism.
Theft from three or more is research.
Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
and you'd better not refuse.
Them Toad Suckers
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
-- Mason Williams
Them as has, gets.
Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
open market.
If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
himself.
Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
-- Kehlog Albran
Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
-- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting
for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it.
Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
-- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
his real problems.
The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
stand to live with.
-- R. Geis
"Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
hard, to keep from falling.
Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
...
"Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
-- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
-- Elbert Hubbard
Theorem: All programs are dull.
Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
-- Goethe
Theory of Selective Supervision:
The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
the one time the boss walks through the office.
Theory
Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
-- Dorothy Parker
There ain't nothing in the middle of the road
except yellow stripes and dead armadillos.
There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
He speaks with a commanding voice:
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
-- Harvey Wheeler
There are a few things that never go out of style,
and a feminine woman is one of them.
-- Ralston
There are few people more often in the wrong
than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious,
excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
-- Ambrose Bierce
There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the
two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell
the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the
results.
There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
avoiding a great deal of pain.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
-- Hamlet
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
There are new messages.
There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
-- Baba Ram Dass
There are no answers, only cross-references.
-- Weiner
There are no great men, only great challenges that
ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
-- Admiral William Halsey
There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
There are people so addicted to exaggeration
that they can't tell the truth without lying.
-- Josh Billings
There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
people who find nothing odd about it.
-- Calvin Trillin
There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed.
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still recall.
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I've loved them all.
But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compared with you,
All these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I'll love you more.
-- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
There are running jobs.
Why don't you go chase them?
There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
this?
Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you
can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
-- Arthur Naiman
There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
don't we all.
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.
-- Robert W. Service
There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
-- David Nichols
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
There are three possibilities:
Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun;
there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a
series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of
food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection
increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the
affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
circumstances can the food be omitted.
-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
There are three things I have always loved
and never understood -- art, music, and women.
There are three things men can do with women:
love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
-- Stephen Stills
There are three ways to get something done:
do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
There are twenty-five people left in the world,
and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
-- Ed Sanders
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
who do not.
-- Robert Benchley
There are two ways of disliking art.
One is to dislike it.
The other is to like it rationally.
-- Oscar Wilde
There are two ways of disliking poetry;
one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
-- Oscar Wilde
There are two ways to write error-free
programs; only the third one works.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
-- Henry Kissinger
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
-- W.C. Fields
There comes a time to stop being angry.
-- A Small Circle of Friends
There exist tasks which cannot be done
by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
-- Steele's Law
There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
-- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
There has been an alarming increase in the
number of things you know nothing about.
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
There is a fly on your nose.
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There
is another theory which states that this has already happened.
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
For every human problem, there is a neat,
plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
-- H.L. Mencken
There is always more hell that needs raising.
-- Lauren Leveut
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
There is always something new out of Africa.
-- Gaius Plinius Secundus
There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
-- Mark Twain
There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
-- Darwin
There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
There is in certain living souls
A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
So great it must be shared
As company is shared by lesser beings.
Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
That in immensity
There is one lonelier than you.
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
-- Mahatma Gandhi
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
-- Darth Vader
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
There is no comfort without pain; thus
we define salvation through suffering.
-- Cato
There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
-- George Santayana
There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
-- Mark Twain
There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
There is no fool to the old fool.
-- John Heywood
There is no future in time travel.
There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have
hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything
else thereafter.
-- Ernest Hemingway
There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
-- George Francis Gillette
There is no point in waiting.
The train stopped running years ago.
All the schedules, the brochures,
The bright-colored posters full of lies,
Promise rides to a distant country
That no longer exists.
There is no proverb that is not true.
-- Cervantes
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990
There is no royal road to geometry.
-- Euclid
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
-- G.B. Shaw
There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
-- General Douglas MacArthur
There is no sin but ignorance.
-- Christopher Marlowe
There is no such thing as a free lunch.
There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
-- Christian Dior
There is no such thing as inner peace; there is only nervousness
or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise is a breach of manners.
-- Fran Lebowitz
There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
some anxiety always goes with it.
There is no time like the pleasant.
There is no time like the present
for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
-- Augier
There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
-- Marie Antoinette
There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
when you do it reluctantly.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
There is one difference between a tax collector and
a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
-- Mortimer Caplan
There is only one thing in the world worse than being
talked about, and that is not being talked about.
-- Oscar Wilde
There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
-- Robert Heinlein
There is only one way to kill capitalism --
by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
-- Karl Marx
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain
There is something in the pang of change
More than the heart can bear,
Unhappiness remembering happiness.
-- Euripides
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
States; of course, I never heard the story before.
There never was a good war or a bad peace.
-- B. Franklin
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
There once was a girl so lovely,
Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
She strapped on her tanks,
And started her pranks,
But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
There once was an Arpanet freak,
Who better response-time did seek.
He searched coast to coast,
For a reliable host,
Whose logger took less than a week.
There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.
There seems no plan because it is all plan.
-- C.S. Lewis
There was a phone call for you.
There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
insupportable.
-- Kurt Vonnegut
There was a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez.
When comment arose
On the state of her clothes
She drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
There was a young lady from Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She went out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
There was a young lady from Siam
Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
"You may kiss me of course,
But you'll have to use force.
Though God knows you're stronger than I am."
There was a young man from Brazil,
And a lady who'd not take the pill,
They lay on the sofa,
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There was a young man from LeDoux,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
There was a young man from Verdunne.
There was a young man who said "God,
I find it exceedingly odd,
That the willow oak tree
Continues to be,
When there's no one about in the Quad."
"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
For I'm always about in the Quad;
And that's why the tree,
Continues to be,"
Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every single
syllable into the last line that I possibly,
possibly can."
There was a young woman from Bude,
Who went for a swim in the nude,
But a man in a punt,
Grabbed at her elbow,
And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
the squaws of the other two hides.
There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
When asked, "Does it hurt?"
He relied, "No, it doesn't.
I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
-- W.S. Gilbert
There was an old person of Ware
Who had an affair with a bear.
He explained, "I don't mind,
For it's gentle and kind,
But I wish it had slightly less hair."
There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
should I do?"
"Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
"Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
he tells the counterman.
The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
"You must be from New York."
The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
you know?"
"Because this is a hardware store."
There were the Scots
Who kept the Sabbath
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
Then there were the Welsh
Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
Thirdly there were the Irish
Who never knew what they wanted
But were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English
Who considered themselves a self-made nation
Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
-- Shirley Povich, 1941
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.
Too bad it's not a fence.
There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
The corporation that we represent.
We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
Of that man of men our sterling president
The name of T.J. Watson means
A courage none can stem
And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
along -- quite gracefully.
-- Ellen Goodman
There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
-- Doug Clifford
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.
I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it
didn't do anything to me.
-- John Wayne
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
There's little in taking or giving,
There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the provence of cattle,
And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
Would you kindly direct me to hell?
-- Dorothy Parker
There's no future in time travel.
There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
There's no justice in this world.
-- Frank Costello
On the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by New York district
attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had saved Dewey from
assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering the assassination
of Schultz instead)
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
-- Dr. Who
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
-- Raoul Duke
There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
There's no such thing as an original sin.
-- Elvis Costello
There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
There's no time like the pleasant.
There's no use being precise about something
when you don't even know what you're talking about.
-- John von Neumann
There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
neckline to keep a man on his toes.
There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
There's nothing worse for your business than
extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
-- W. Bossert
There's one fool at least in every married couple.
There's only one everything.
There's only one way to have a happy marriage
and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
-- Clint Eastwood
There's small choice in rotten apples.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
There's so much plastic in this culture that
vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
-- Lily Tomlin
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
-- Richard Le Gallienne
These activities have their own rules and methods
of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
They also serve who only stand and wait.
-- John Milton
They also surf who only stand on waves.
They are called computers simply because computation is
the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
when they can see nothing but sea.
-- Francis Bacon
They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
-- The Blues Brothers
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last
words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
-- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
question about the suffering of starving miners.
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy.
Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
-- Mark Twain
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
country. We're completely computerized.
"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
About a month before. Their hair began to curl
The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
My notion was to start again
Ignoring all they'd done
We quickly turned it into code
To see if it would run.
They took some of the Van Goghs, most
of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
They went rushing down that freeway,
Messed around and got lost.
They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
And it was life in the fast lane.
-- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
The man said "We got all that we can use",
So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
-- Jim Croce
They're just jealous because they don't have three
wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
-- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
-- Dwight Eisenhower
Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
Things are not always what they seem.
-- Phaedrus
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
Things past redress and now with me past care.
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
Things will be bright in P.M.
A cop will shine a light in your face.
Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
-- Will Rogers
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
Think big.
Pollute the Mississippi.
Think honk if you're a telepath.
Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
-- Darrell Royal
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
Think of your family tonight.
Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
Think sideways!
-- Ed De Bono
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
Have made my days and nights imperishable,
Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
when the hostess has only twelve chops.
-- Groucho Marx
Thirty white horses on a red hill,
First they champ,
Then they stamp,
Then they stand still.
-- Tolkien
This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
-- Found on a door in the MSU music building
This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
This fortune intentionally not included.
This fortune intentionally says nothing.
This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
This is Jim Rockford.
At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
I don't talk to machines! [Click]
This is NOT a repeat.
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
This is a good time to punt work.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
This is for all ill-treated fellows
Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
And I am not.
-- A.E. Housman
This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
and come alone. I'm serious!
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
-- Winston Churchill
This is the theory that Jack built.
This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
-- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
This land is my land, and only my land,
I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
This land is private property.
-- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
actual life, you would have received further instructions as
to what to do and where to go.
This life is yours. Some of it was given
to you; the rest, you made yourself.
This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.
This login session: $13.99
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
paper that were unhappy.
-- Douglas Adams
This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
-- Lazarus Long
This screen intentionally left blank.
This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
This sentence no verb.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.
This unit... must... survive.
This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
-- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
This was the most unkindest cut of all.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
This was terrible with raisins in it.
-- Dorothy Parker
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
The world is a comedy to those who think,
and a tragedy to those who feel.
-- Horace Walpole
Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of
legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does.
As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I
am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we
will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior
a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn
politicians.
The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do
for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor.
From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily
led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to
bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't
have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter
Thompson's disease.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and
Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
Those of you who think you know everything
are annoying those of us who do.
Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
-- George Santayana
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who claim the dead never return
to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
Those who do things in a noble spirit of
self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
-- N. Alexander.
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
-- Aristotle
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
Those who like sausages and the law had better not watch either one being made.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
will make violent revolution inevitable.
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
Thou hast seen nothing yet.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
"Old MacDonald had a . . ."
"Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
"Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
"Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
service station," said the Missourian.
"Wrong."
"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
"CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
"Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...
A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
-- Trollope
Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.
-- B. Franklin
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-- Ben Franklin
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
-- Jean-Paul Sartre
Three rules for sounding like an expert:
1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
2. Always point out second-order effects,
but never point out when they can be ignored.
3. Come up with three rules.
Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and
women will take a little longer.
-- Spiro Agnew
Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid
the problem?"
"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
flee," said the first girl.
"I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
the second woman.
"Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
but I fail to see the problem."
Thus mathematics may be defined as the
subject in which we never know what we are talking about,
nor whether what we are saying is true.
-- Bertrand Russell
Thyme's Law:
Everything goes wrong at once.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
is the English way
Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
Or half a page of scribbled lines
-- Pink Floyd, "Time"
Tiddely Quiddely
Edward M. Kennedy
Quite unaccountably
Drove in a stream.
Pleas of amnesia
Incomprehensible
Possibly shattered
Political dream.
Time and tide wait for no man.
Time as he grows old teaches all things.
-- Aeschylus
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time goes, you say?
Ah no!
Time stays, *we* go.
-- Austin Dobson
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
-- Henry David Thoreau
Time is nature's way of making sure
that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
-- Theophrastus
Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
Time to take stock.
Go home with some office supplies.
Time washes clean
Love's wounds unseen.
That's what someone told me;
But I don't know what it means.
-- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
Time will end all my troubles,
but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
-- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)
Timing must be perfect now.
Two-timing must be better than perfect.
Tip the world over on its side and
everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
To A Quick Young Fox
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
-- Lazy Dog
To Theodore Roosevelt:
You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
Lord of the Riff
Sultan to the Berbers
Last of the Barbary Pirates
To add insult to injury.
-- Phaedrus
To any truly impartial person, it would
be obvious that I am always right.
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
-- Elbert Hubbard
To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
-- Shelley
To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
-- Thackeray
To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
-- Confucius
To be great is to be misunderstood.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
and not be happy.
-- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
To be is to be related.
-- C.J. Keyser.
To be is to do.
-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-- F. Flintstone
To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
-- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
To be or not to be.
-- Shakespeare
To do is to be.
-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
-- Sinatra
To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
-- Golda Meir
To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
To be wise, the only thing you really need
to know is when to say "I don't know."
To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
-- AT&T
To craunch a marmoset.
-- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
To criticize the incompetent is easy;
it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
-- Senator Edmund Muskie
To do nothing is to be nothing.
To do two things at once is to do neither.
-- Publilius Syrus
To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
-- H. Poincare
To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
To err is human, to forgive unusual.
To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
-- Benjamin Franklin
To err is human.
To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
To err is humor.
To fear love is to fear life, and those
who fear life are already three parts dead.
-- Bertrand Russell
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-- Benjamin Franklin
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
To have died once is enough.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
To hell with the Prime Directive;
Let's KILL something!
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
-- Thomas Edison
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
-- Robert Heller
To keep your friends treat them kindly;
to kill them, treat them often.
To know Edina is to reject it.
-- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
To lead people, you must follow behind.
-- Lao Tsu
To listen to some devout people,
one would imagine that God never laughs.
-- Sri Aurobindo
To love is good, love being difficult.
To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
To make tax forms true they should
read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
-- St. Augustine
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
To restore a sense of reality, I think
Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
-- Jack Paar
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
To say you got a vote of confidence
would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
-- Andrew Young
To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
mind over matter; quite.
-- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
the job will take the longest and cost the most.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
To stay youthful, stay useful.
To teach is to learn.
To teach is to learn twice.
-- Joseph Joubert
To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
To thine own self be true.
(If not that, at least make some money.)
To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
secure ecological niche.
-- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
To use violence is to already be defeated.
-- Chinese proverb
To whom the mornings are like nights,
What must the midnights be!
-- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
-- Woody Allen
Tobacco is a filthy weed,
That from the devil does proceed;
It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
And makes a chimney of your nose.
-- B. Waterhouse
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Today is a good day for information-gathering.
Read someone else's mail file.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
Today is gonna be one helluva week!
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Today is what happened to yesterday.
Todays title:
Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why.
-- H.S. Thompson
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
-- DEC
Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
Don't forget to leave a tip.
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
Too clever is dumb.
-- Ogden Nash
Too cool to calypso,
Too tough to tango,
Too weird to watusi
-- The Only Ones
Too much is just enough.
-- Mark Twain, on whiskey
Too much is not enough.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
-- Mae West
Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
-- Instrument News
[Once is too often. Ed.]
Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
Topologists are just plane folks.
Pilots are just plane folks.
Carpenters are just plane folks.
Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
Musicians are just playin' folks.
Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
Torque is cheap.
Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
-- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
Trap full -- please empty.
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
-- Han Solo
Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
-- Publilius Syrus
Treaties are like roses and young girls. They last while they last.
-- Charles de Gaulle
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are
beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
True happiness will be found only in true love.
True leadership is the art of changing
a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
-- Virginia Allan
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
-- Henrik Tikkanen
Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
-- Norman Augustine
Trust your husband, adore your husband,
and get as much as you can in your own name.
-- Joan Rivers
Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
-- Albert Schweitzer
Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Try again.
Try not to have a good time ...
This is supposed to be educational.
-- Charles Schulz
Try not.
Do.
Or do not.
There is no try.
Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Try to be the best of whatever you are,
even if what you are is no good.
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
Trying to get an education here is like
trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
T-shirt of the Week:
I'm not excited, I'm cold!
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
Turn on, tune in, and take over.
-- Tim Leary
Turn the other cheek.
-- Jesus Christ
Turnaucka's Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
Tussman's Law:
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
and I never even had the decency to thank her.
-- R.B. Gossling
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came!
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two!
The jaws that bite, and through and through
the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.
Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head,
And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back.
He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogroves
-- Lewis Carroll
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrave.
"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but
twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
-- Wilde
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
-- Howard Kandel
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
Two heads are better than one.
-- John Heywood
Two heads are more numerous than one.
Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
Two is company, three is an orgy.
Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
Two men looked out from the prison bars,
One saw mud--
The other saw stars.
Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
in the head.
Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
"Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
dry side.
"So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
"What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
-- Kohn
Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Could fetch it from the furnace deep
And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
In the well of sanguine woe?
In what clay & in what mould
Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
-- William Blake, "The Tyger"
Type louder, please.
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
UNFAIR COMPETITION:
Selling cheaper than we do.
UNION:
A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
UNIVERSE:
The problem.
UNIVERSITY:
Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
you how to fix it, and...
[Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
UNIX enhancements aren't.
UNIX is many things to many people,
but it's never been everything to anybody.
UNTOLD WEALTH:
What you left out on April 15th.
USER:
A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
Udall's Fourth Law:
Any change or reform you make
is going to have consequences you don't like.
Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
-- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
coughing and drops dead.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?
It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule.
You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
Under capitalism, man exploits man.
Under communism, it's just the opposite.
-- J.K. Galbraith
Under deadline pressure for the next week.
If you want something, it can wait.
Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
Under every stone lurks a politician.
-- Aristophanes
Under the wide an starry sky,
Dig my grave and let me lie,
Glad did I live and gladly die,
And laid me down with a will,
And this be the verse that you grave for me,
Here he lies where he longed to be,
Home is the sailor home from the sea,
And the hunter home from the hill.
-- R. Kipling
Under the wide and heavy VAX
Dig my grave and let me relax
Long have I lived, and many my hacks
And I lay me down with a will.
These be the words that tell the way:
"Here he lies who piped 64K,
Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
Superiority is recessive.
Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
in relation to a bigger problem.
-- P.D. Ouspensky
Unfair animal names:
-- tsetse fly -- bullhead
-- booby -- duck-billed platypus
-- sapsucker -- Clarence
-- Gary Larson
Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
-- Jon Bentley
United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
low over the world.
-- Isaac Asimov
Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
-- E. Post
"Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
-- Berry Kercheval
Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.
I wasted time and now doth time waste me.
-- William Shakespeare
Unnamed Law:
If it happens, it must be possible.
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
-- H.L. Mencken
Up against the net, redneck mother,
Mother who has raised your son so well;
He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting
on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd
had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my
wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
"That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
back."
"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
"You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you
love her," sympathized the executive.
"No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm
thirsty again."
Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
-- Henry Van Dyke
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
country in public.
KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
I will tell you the names and addresses of
many American spies traveling as reporters.
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
this confession of capital crimes.
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
I must have the recipe.
ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
-- S.C. Johnson
VACATION:
A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
life-style to recuperate.
VIRGINIA:
A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
that old underwear you own.
VMS version 2.0 ==>
VOLCANO:
A mountain with hiccups.
VU-JADE:
The feeling that you've *never* been in this situation before.
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Variables don't; constants aren't.
Vax Vobiscum
Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat.
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
soggy potato chips."
"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
"but I thought it made good copy."
-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
is presumably working on it.
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
Victory uber allies!
Vini, vidi, vici.
[I came, I saw, I conquered].
-- Gaius Julius Caesar
"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
Violence is molding.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
-- Salvador Hardin
Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
only the willingness to make it when necessary.
-- Frederick Dunn
Virtue is its own punishment.
-- Denniston
Virtue is not left to stand alone.
He who practices it will have neighbors.
-- Confucius
Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
-- La Rochefoucauld
Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously
moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Voicless it cries,
Wingless flutters,
Toothless bites,
Mouthless mutters.
Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
And to him who's scientific
There is nothing that's terrific
In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
-- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
Volley Theory:
It is better to have lobbed and lost
than never to have lobbed at all.
Vote anarchist.
WARNING:
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
of your favorite war.
WARNING!!!
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
See also: flog(1), tm(1)
WEAPON:
An index of the lack of development of a culture.
WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
WELL-ADJUSTED:
The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
WE:
The single most important word in the world.
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
Oh, dear, where can the matter be
When it's converted to energy?
There is a slight loss of parity.
Johnny's so long at the fair.
WIT:
The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
WOLF:
A man who knows all the ankles.
WOMAN:
An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
-- Bierce
WORK:
The blessed respite from screaming kids and
soap operas for which you actually get paid.
WRITE-PROTECT TAB:
A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs
the momentary inconvenience.
-- Robb Russon
WRONG!
WYSIWYG:
What You See Is What You Get.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
-- Mark Twain
Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
-- Pericles
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
Make our country well again, respected by the world.
Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
-- Pansy Myers Schroeder
Wake up and smell the coffee.
-- Ann Landers
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
Walk softly and carry a big stick.
-- Theodore Roosevelt
Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
-- Jack Kerouac
Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
Garp: Gradual school?
Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
gradual school.
Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
-- The World According To Garp
Walters' Rule:
All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
on a plane that left Gate 1.
Wanna buy a duck?
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
-- Charles Edward Montague
War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
-- Clemenceau
War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
-- Anacreon
Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
Survivors will be shot again.
Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
There was a time they could cry over books,
But time has set its maggot on their track.
Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
What's never known is safest in this life.
Under the skysigns they who have no arms
Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
-- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
-- John F. Kennedy
[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
-- Ada Louise Huxtable
Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
-- Euripides
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
-- Han Solo
Watson's Law:
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
number and significance of any persons watching it.
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
-- Whole Earth Catalog
We all declare for liberty, but in using the
same word we do not all mean the same thing.
-- A. Lincoln
We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
-- Samuel Beckett
We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-- Oscar Wilde
We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
-- A. Schweitzer
We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
-- Winston Churchill
We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
-- Ray Bradbury
We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities.
-- Pogo
We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
-- J.Hoover
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
We are not a clone.
We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
-- John Fisher
We are not alone.
We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
-- Victor Hugo
We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
-- Jonathon Swift
We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
This is a recording.
We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
the substance that cast them.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
-- GI in Vietnam, 1970
We are what we are.
We are what we pretend to be.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting.
Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons.
Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on.
Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
(Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up!
Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
-- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
-- Yates
We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
-- Sir Francis Bacon
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
-- Calvin Coolidge
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
-- Richard Nixon
We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
beautiful Universe, Our home.
-- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
-- James Watt, noted theologian
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
-- Pink Floyd
We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
Chorus: (Chorus)
Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
(Chorus) (Chorus)
-- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
-- Walter Summers
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
"We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
predatory.
The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
-- William Burroughs
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
-- La Rochefoucauld
We gotta get out of this place,
If it's the last thing we ever do.
-- The Animals
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
We have art that we do not die of the truth.
-- Nietzsche
We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
-- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
-- Carl Sagan
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
-- Walt Kelly
We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
than from the machinations of the wicked.
We have no scorched earth policy.
We have a policy of scorched Communists.
-- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
-- Margaret Mead
We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
-- John Berryman
We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
you are so tired.
There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
We love our little Johnny
He's the best little boy in all the world
And we wouldn't trade him for anything
That's how much we love him.
No, we couldn't live without him
So that's why, since he died,
We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
He's so good, so well-behaved,
Even better than before;
Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
Never miss our little Johnny,
He'll never grow up and leave us
That's why we love him like we do.
-- Mr. Mincemeat
"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
-- Cameron Hawley
We may not return the affection of those who like us,
but we always respect their good judgement.
We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
-- Saul Alinsky
We must die because we have known them.
-- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
We must remember the First Amendment which
protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
-- F.G. Withington
We only acknowledge small faults in order
to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
-- LaRouchefoucauld
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
We read to say that we have read.
We really don't have any enemies.
It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
-- Thucydides
We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
-- Jean de la Bruyere
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
-- Mark Twain
We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
themselves.
-- John Locke
We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
of America.
We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
We totally deny the allegations, and
we're trying to identify the allegators.
[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
-- R.W. Hamming
We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
-- Satchel Paige
We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
-- Crazy Jimmy
We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
extinction.
-- S.J. Gould
We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
(chorus) (chorus)
In the church of Aphrodite,
The priestess wears a see through nightie,
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
And she's good enough for me!
(chorus)
CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
Give me that old time religion,
Give me that old time religion,
'Cause it's good enough for me!
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
-- Maxwell Smart
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
-- John Heywood
Weed's Axiom:
Never ask two questions in a business letter.
The reply will discuss the one in which you are
least interested and say nothing about the other.
Weekend, where are you?
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work.
Weinberg's First Law:
Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
Weinberg's Principle:
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
on to the grand fallacy.
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
"Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
psycho-prompter couch?"
"Thank you, Red."
"Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
"Yes, Red."
"But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
"Yes, Red."
"I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
explain the failure of your three marriages."
"Well, I--"
"We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
product."
Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
Come inside, the show's about to start,
Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo!
You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll!
-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop
us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You
have two days to reach us at:
Fortune Blackmail
Behind the hot water pipes,
Third stall from the end,
Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
This is the first of a series of revelations which could
add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
2: What you were doing.
3: The names of the three people involved.
4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
the reader! For example, the sentence
Jane went to the store to buy bread
should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
D G G O
O Y A N
A D B T
K I S P
Enter words:
>
Welcome to the Zoo!
Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it?
-- Martha Mitchell
Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
The headline screamed that I was still alive,
I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
In a little cantina that the boys had found,
I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
When along came a senorita,
She looked so good that I had to meet her,
I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
Grow some funk of your own.
We no like to with the gringo fight,
But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
...
Take my advice, take the next flight,
And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
-- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird about
it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda spend a
little time with myself.
-- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
Well begun is half done.
-- Aristotle
We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
Might as well have put it down the drain.
Fancy giving money to the Government!
Nobody will see the stuff again.
Well, they've no idea what money's for --
Ten to one they'll start another war.
I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
Fancy giving money to the Government!
-- A.P. Herbert
We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
Well, he thought, since neither Aristotilian Logic nor the disciplines
of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
Time passed, unheeded.
Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
-- Wayfarer
"Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
ripped off..."
"He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and let
him lie there all night."
"Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
"Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
in the street, bleeding to death...'"
"... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
"It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
"Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
-- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
But the meanest thing that he ever did,
Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
...
But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
And kill the man that give me that awful name.
It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
At an old saloon on a street of mud,
Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
Sat that dirty (bleep) that name me Sue.
...
Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
-- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-- Core Dumped Blues
We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
-- Joe E. Lewis
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
Well, we'll really have a party,
but we've gotta post a guard outside.
-- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
Well, we're big rock singers,
We've got golden fingers,
And we're loved everywhere we go.
We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
At ten thousand dollars a show.
We take all kinds of pills to give us all kinds of thrills,
But the thrill we've never known,
Is the thrill that'll get you, when you get your picture,
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
-- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
[As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick
a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse.
-- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984
Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
-- Buckaroo Banzai
We're happy little Vegemites,
As bright as bright can be.
We all all enjoy our Vegemite
For breakfast, lunch and tea.
Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
a grin.
-- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
-- D.W. Robertson.
"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
-- Don Juan
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
Westheimer's Discovery:
A couple of months in the laboratory can
frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
Wethern's Law:
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
We've tried each spinning space mote
And reckoned its true worth:
Take us back again to the homes of men
On the cool, green hills of Earth.
The arching sky is calling
Spacemen back to their trade.
All hands! Standby! Free falling!
And the lights below us fade.
Out ride the sons of Terra,
Far drives the thundering jet,
Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
Out, far, and onward yet--
We pray for one last landing
On the globe that gave us birth;
Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
And the cool, green hills of Earth.
-- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
What!? Me worry?
-- A.E. Newman
What I Did During My Fall Semester
On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
I found a thesis topic:
How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
-- Sister Mary Elephant,
"Student Statement for Black Friday"
What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
What I tell you three times is true.
-- Lewis Carroll
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
-- WOP, "War Games"
What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
-- Christopher Fry
What an artist dies with me!
-- Nero
What awful irony is this?
We are as gods, but know it not.
What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
You and I know that a burden and a cross,
Can only be carried on one man's back.
-- Louden Wainwright III
What did you bring that book I didn't want
to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
What did you do when the ship sank?
I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
asked her mother.
"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
What does education often do?
It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
-- Henry David Thoreau
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
-- Nietzsche
What ever happened to happily ever after?
What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
-- Roger von Oech
What foods these morsels be!
What fools these morals be!
What fools these mortals be.
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What good is a ticket to the good life,
if you can't find the entrance?
What good is having someone who can walk
on water if you don't follow in his footsteps?
What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
What happened last night can happen again.
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore --
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over --
Like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
Like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
-- Langston Hughes
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
What has roots as nobody sees,
Is taller than trees,
Up, up it goes,
And yet never grows?
What is a magician but a practising theorist?
-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
all the weak: Christianity.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
and they remain permanent influences on your life.
Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
-- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
What is love but a second-hand emotion?
-- Tina Turner
What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never mind.
-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799 - 1875
What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
-- William Blake
What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
-- Will Harvey
What is status?
Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
Uh, no...
Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
problem with him.
Uh, that still ain't right...
STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
What is wanted is not the will-to-believe,
but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite.
-- Bertrand Russell
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
-- Jack Kerouac
What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
is that there's nothing to compare it with.
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
What makes you think graduate school
is supposed to be satisfying?
-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
-- Wilde
What on earth would a man do with himself
if something did not stand in his way?
-- H.G. Wells
What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
-- John Lilly
What one fool can do, another can.
-- Ancient Simian Proverb
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
What pains others pleasures me,
At home am I in Lisp or C;
There i couch in ecstasy,
'Til debugger's poke i flee,
Into kernel memory.
In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
What passes for woman's intuition
is often nothing more than man's transparency.
What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
-- Susan Gordon
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
-- U.K. LeGuin
What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
-- J.D. Farley
What segment's this, that, laid to rest Why lies it here, on public disk
On FHA0, is sleeping? And why is it now unprotected?
What system file, lay here a while A bug in incant, made it thus.
While hackers around it were weeping? The problem has not been corrected.
This, this is "acct.run," Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
Accounting file for everyone. And copy the file somehow, somehow.
Dump, dump it and type it out, Dump, dump it and type it out,
The file, the highseg of login. The file, the highseg of login.
-- to Greensleeves
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
What soon grows old? Gratitude.
-- Aristotle
What, still alive at twenty-two,
A clean upstanding chap like you?
Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
Like enough, you won't be glad,
When they come to hang you, lad:
But bacon's not the only thing
That's cured by hanging from a string.
So, when the spilt ink of the night
Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
Lads whose job is still to do
Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
-- Hugh Kingsmill
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
didn't believe in God".
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
-- Joseph Heller
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
-- Nikita Khruschev
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
What time is it?
I don't know, it keeps changing.
What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
-- Nietzsche
"What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
"I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
-- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
-- Wittgenstein
What we need is either less corruption,
or more chance to participate in it.
What we wish, that we readily believe.
-- Demosthenes
What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
What you don't know won't help you much either.
-- D. Bennett
What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
with as you will.
-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
shredding hundred dollar bills."
-- Herb Caen, as discovered in Marya Schrier's scrapbook
Whatever became of eternal truth?
Whatever happened to the good old days
when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
-- Collis P. Huntingdon
Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Whatever you do will be insignificant,
but it is very important that you do it.
-- Gandhi
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
What's all this bru-ha-ha?
What's done to children, they will do to society.
What's so funny?
"What's that thing?"
"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we
use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp
exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four."
-- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly
What's the ugliest part of your body?
What's the ugliest part of your body?
Some say your nose,
Some say your toes,
But I think it's your mind.
-- Frank Zappa, 1965
When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
When God endowed human beings with brains,
He did not intend to guarantee them.
When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
-- DeGourmont
When I grow up, I want to be an honest
lawyer so things like that can't happen.
-- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
what you like now."
-- Tolstoy
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
I will then say the magic words to you, and you,
too, will vanish -- never to be seen again.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
-- Al Capone
When I think about myself, Sixty years in these folks' world
I almost laugh myself to death, The child I works for calls me girl
My life has been one great big joke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
A dance that's walked Too proud to bend
A song that's spoke, Too poor to break,
I laugh so hard I almost choke I laugh until my stomach ache,
When I think about myself. When I think about myself.
My folks can make me split my side,
I laughed so hard I nearly died,
The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
They grow the fruit,
But eat the rind,
I laugh until I start to crying,
When I think about my folks.
-- Maya Angelou
When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
-- Woody Allen
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
pieces like this but we all have to do it.
-- Mark Twain
When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
questions like a senator.
-- Muhammad Ali
When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
-- Mae West
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
the principle of the thing," it's the money.
-- Kim Hubbard
When a girl can read the handwriting on
the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions
of many men for the inattentions of one.
Helen Rowland
When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
the first lion thinks the last a bore.
-- G.B. Shaw
When a lot of remedies are suggested for
a disease, that means it can't be cured.
-- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
When a man assumes a public trust, he
should consider himself as public property.
-- Thomas Jefferson
When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
-- Samuel Johnson
When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
-- Samuel Johnson
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
hour. That's relativity.
-- Albert Einstein
When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
-- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
-- Donnay
When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
-- Wilde
When all else fails, EAT!!!
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
When among apes, one must play the ape.
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
-- Mark Twain
When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
-- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell
When choosing between evils, I always
like to take the one I've never tried before.
-- Mae West
When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
-- Josef Goebbels
When does later become never?
When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
himself to destruction.
-- George Plimpton
When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
-- St. Ambrose
When in charge ponder,
When in doubt mumble,
When in trouble delegate.
When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
to apologize than to get permission.
-- Grace Murray Hopper
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
When in doubt, follow your heart.
When in doubt, lead trump.
When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
When it is not necessary to make a decision,
it is necessary not to make a decision.
When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi, Mom!
-- Laurie Anderson
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
-- Calvin Coolidge
When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
most unlikely of situations.
-- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
When neither their poverty nor their honor is
touched, the majority of men live content.
-- Niccolo Machiavelli
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
-- Dylan Thomas
When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
When our best friends are in trouble, there is
always something that is not wholly displeasing to us.
-- La Rochefoucauld
When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
And Oxygen still had none
Then Oxygen scored a single goal
And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
Called because of rain.
When people have trouble communicating,
the least they can do is to shut up.
-- Tom Lehrer
When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
When some people discover the truth, they just
can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
For might makes right, Members of the corps
And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
peaceful means.
All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
We only want the world to know
That we support the status quo;
They love us everywhere we go,
So when in doubt, send the Marines!
-- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
When someone says "I want a programming language in
which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
-- S. Johnson
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
-- Billy Sunday
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were
set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as
bodies of a lower grade...
-- Stanislaw Lem
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
-- Chinese proverb
When the candles are out all women are fair.
-- Plutarch
When the cup is full, carry it level.
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
-- Lynch
When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
When the government bureau's remedies do not match
your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
When the lights are out, all women are fair.
-- Plutarch
When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
"I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
When the only tool you have is a hammer,
every problem starts to look like a nail.
When the revolution comes, count your change.
When the sun shineth, make hay.
-- John Heywood
When the wind is great, bow before it;
when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
-- Balzac
When they tell me to stick it where
the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon.
When things go well, expect something to
explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
continuously until death do them part.
-- George Bernard Shaw
When we are planning for posterity,
we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
-- Thomas Paine
When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be
as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed.
When we write programs that "learn",
it turns out we do and they don't.
When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
even our virtues.
-- Balzac
When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
-- St. Ambrose
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
When you become used to never being alone,
you may consider yourself Americanized.
When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
When you dig another out of trouble,
you've got a place to bury your own.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
-- R.A. Lafferty
When you jump for joy, beware that no one
moves the ground from beneath your feet.
-- Stanislaw Lem
When you live in a sick society,
just about everything you do is wrong.
When you make your mark in the world,
watch out for guys with erasers.
-- The Wall Street Journal
When you say that you agree to a thing in principle you mean that
you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
-- Bismarck
When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
When you try to make an impression, the
chances are that is the impression you will make.
"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
-- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
When your memory goes, forget it!
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
-- Henry J. Kaiser
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
Wretched, bored, dejected; only
Here's the rub, my darling dear
I feel the same when you are near.
-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
When you're dining out and you suspect
something's wrong, you're probably right.
When you're down and out, lift up your
voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
When you're in command, command.
-- Admiral Nimitz
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
-- A. Lincoln
Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
-- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
Whenever a system becomes completely defined,
some damn fool discovers something which either
abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really".
-- Dave Parnas
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
-- Oscar Wilde
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that
is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges
on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain
Whenever you find that you are on the
side of the majority, it is time to reform.
-- Mark Twain
Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
Where is John Carson now that we need him?
-- RLG
Where, oh where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
And I thought I'd found true love,
You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone!
-- Hee Haw
Where the hell is Wall Drug?
Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
-- Goethe
Where there's a whip there's a way.
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
Where will it all end?
Probably somewhere near where it all began.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
-- Rufus Miles, HEW
Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
-- Wittgenstein
Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
Go on, do not rest.
-- An old Gujarati hymn
Whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
Which would you rather have, a bursting
planet or an earthquake here and there?
-- John Joseph Lynch
While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
-- Robert Burns,
Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792
While anyone can admit to themselves they were
wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
then. We're trying to catch her."
"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
carrying a bucket of sand?"
"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
lets you choose your own form of misery.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
While most peoples' opinions change,
the conviction of their correctness never does.
While there's life, there's hope.
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
While walking down a crowded
City street the other day,
I heard a little urchin
To a comrade turn and say,
"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
I'd be happy as a clam
If only I was de feller dat
Me mudder t'inks I am.
"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
-- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
-- Dean Rusk
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
While you recently had your problems on the run,
they've regrouped and are making another attack.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both
your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.
Whip it, baby.
Whip it right.
Whip it, baby.
Whip it all night!
Whip it, whip it good!
Whistler's Law:
You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Whitehead's Law:
The obvious answer is always overlooked.
White's Statement:
Don't lose heart!
Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
...they might want to cut it out...
Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
Who are you?
Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
-- Nathan Pusey
Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
-- Hattie McDaniel
Who does not love wine, women, and song,
Remains a fool his whole life long.
-- Johann Heinrich Voss
Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
-- Lao Tsu
Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
-- Thomas Tusser
Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
Who is John Galt?
Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
-- A.E. Housman
Who needs companionship when you
can sit alone in your room and drink?
Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
Who to himself is law no law doth need,
offends no law, and is a king indeed.
-- George Chapman
Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
Who was that masked man?
Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
into you.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
Who's on first?
Who's scruffy-looking?
-- Han Solo
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
I'd LOVE to, but...
-- I have to floss my cat.
-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
-- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
-- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
-- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
-- I have some really hard words to look up.
-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
Why are you doing this to me?
Because knowledge is torture, and there must be
awareness before there is change.
-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
Why are you so hard to ignore?
Why are you watching
The washing machine?
I love entertainment
So long as it's clean.
Professor Doberman:
While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
implications.
Why be a man when you can be a success?
-- Bertolt Brecht
Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
What's the Latin for office automation?
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
It's quite uncanny.
Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
Why do we want intelligent terminals
when there are so many stupid users?
Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
-- Carl Sandburg
Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
-- Jimmy Durante
Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
-- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
Why, every one as they like; as the
good woman said when she kissed her cow.
-- Rabelais
Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
Why is it that there are so many more
horses' asses than there are horses?
-- G. Gordon Liddy
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
It is because we are not the person involved.
-- Mark Twain
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
-- Lily Tomlin
Why isn't there some cheap and easy
way to prove how much she means to me?
Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
-- Oscar Wilde
Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb all
available revenue and then some.
Wilcox's Law:
A pat on the back is only a few
centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Will Rogers never met you.
Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
William Safire's Rules for Writers:
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice
should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form.
Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if
you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a
great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A
writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence
with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word
to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place
pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10
or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling
participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a
sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid
mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone
should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always
follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;
seek viable alternatives.
Williams and Holland's Law:
If enough data is collected,
anything may be proven by statistical methods.
Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears
Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears.
Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly
It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.
At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well
Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
"'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her,
When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter.
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
-- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
-- J. Winter Smith
Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
-- Frank Tyger
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law;
and every time they make a law it's a joke.
-- W. Rogers
With a bushel of apples, you can have
a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
With all the fancy scientists in the world,
why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
With all the talent around, it's sort of
amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
-- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
is no such thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm
With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
-- Tolstoy
With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
With reasonable men I will reason;
with humane men I will plead;
but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
-- William Lloyd Garrison
With stupidity the gods themselves struggle in vain.
-- Friedrich von Schiller
With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
-- Pink Floyd
Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
them again -- and this time we'd use it.
-- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
White House's National Security Council, Washington
Post, 21 March, 1982
Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
-- Alfred North Whitehead
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
Without love intelligence is dangerous;
without intelligence love is not enough.
-- Ashley Montagu
Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
-- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
Woman is generally so bad that the difference
between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
-- Tolstoy
Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
I shall be sober in the morning.
Woman was God's second mistake.
-- Nietzsche
Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
that he might love her.
-- Henry
Woman would be more charming if one could
fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
-- DeGourmont
Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
-- Cervantes
Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
-- Warren Beatty
Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
marriage certificates, and defy you.
-- Jerrold
Women are always so eager to urge bachelors into matrimony:
is it from charity or revenge?
-- Scott
Women are just like men, only different.
Women are like elephants to me: I like to
look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
-- W.C. Fields
Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
-- Herold
Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
-- Napoleon
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
-- Stephens
Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
but it takes more of them to do it.
Women give themselves to God when the
Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
-- Arnould
Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
-- Wilde
Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
-- Ansey
Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
original earth clinging to the roots.
-- Bierce
Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
than men who reason with the head.
-- DeLescure
Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
but never a man who misses one.
-- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
-- Wilde
Women waste men's lives and think they have
indemnified them by a few gracious words.
-- Balzac
Women, when they are not in love, have all
the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
-- Balzac
Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
-- Balzac
Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
-- Amiel
Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
-- Cornelia Otis Skinner
Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
and philosophy begins in wonder.
Socrates, quoting Plato
Wonderful day.
Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
Woodward's Law:
A theory is better than its explanation.
Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
People would rather live with a problem they cannot
solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
Words are the voice of the heart.
Words can never express what words can never express.
Words have a longer life than deeds.
-- Pindar
Words must be weighed, not counted.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
-- Mark Twain
Work continues in this area.
-- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.
-- C. Northcote Parkinson
Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
-- Schulz
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
Work without a vision is slavery,
Vision without work is a pipe dream,
But vision with work is the hope of the world.
World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
error in the world."
-- Sydney Harris
Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August.
The lift lines are the shortest, though.
Worst Month of the Year: February.
February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an
apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to
avoid Februarys whenever possible.
Worst Vegetable of the Year: Brussel sprout.
This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
Worth seeing?
Yes, but not worth going to see.
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
-- Princess Leia Organa
Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
-- Alfieri
Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
-- John Heywood
Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
-- Lewis Carrol
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
-- Mark Twain
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Writing software is more fun than working.
XEROX never does anything original.
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
they leave to the imagination is the plot.
YEAR:
A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
YO-YO:
Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
(see also Computer).
Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
-- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
Yea from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
-- Hamlet
Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
[I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
"Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
"What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
bury it or else throw it into the brook."
"Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
long, and two mouses wide."
I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
how it was used...
-- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
-- Snoopy
Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
-- J.B. Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
-- Philip Whalen
You are always busy.
You are an insult to my intelligence!
I demand that you log off immediately.
You are capable of planning your future.
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
You are destined to become the commandant of the
fighting men of the department of transportation.
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
You are fairminded, just and loving.
You are false data.
You are farsighted, a good planner,
an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
You are in the hall of the mountain king.
You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
You are loved by the multitudes.
Have you been to the clinic lately?
You are magnetic in your bearing.
You are never given a wish without also being given the
power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
-- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
the Advanced Soul"
You are not a fool just because you have done
something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
You are not dead yet.
But watch for further reports.
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
-- Bierce
You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
Please set your clocks back 200 years.
You are number 6! Who is number one?
"You are old, father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
Pray what is the reason of that?"
"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
Allow me to sell you a couple?"
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."
"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
What made you so awfully clever?"
"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
Therefore you have few friends.
You are sick, twisted and perverted.
I like that in a person.
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
You are standing on my toes.
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
You ask what a nice girl will do?
She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
-- Marcus Valerius Martialis
You attempt things that you do not even plan
because of your extreme stupidity.
You auto buy now.
You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
than a twenty-dollar bill.
-- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
-- Tim Leary
You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
You can be replaced by this computer.
You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
-- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
-- Quentin Genter
You can cage a swallow, can't you,
but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
-- The Palindromist
You can create your own opportunities this week.
Blackmail a senior executive.
You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
-- Janis Joplin
You can do very well in speculation where
land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
You can fool some of the people some of the time,
and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
You can get more with a kind word and a
gun than you can get with a kind word alone.
-- Al Capone
You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
(chorus)
You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
(chorus)
You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
Don't ever count on having both at once.
-- Lazarus Long
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
get him to float on his back, you've got something.
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting
his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.
You can move the world with an idea,
but you have to think of it first.
You can never do just one thing.
-- Hardin
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
You can now buy more gates with less
specifications than at any other time in history.
-- Kenneth Parker
You can observe a lot just by watching.
-- Yogi Berra
You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
You can tell how far we have to go,
when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
-- Steven Feiner
You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
I've got to have thirty minutes!
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
-- Nathalia Crane
You cannot have a science without measurement.
-- R. W. Hamming
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot see the wood for the trees.
-- John Heywood
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
-- Indira Gandhi
You cannot use your friends and have them too.
You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
You can't cheat an honest man, never give
a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
-- W.C. Fields
You can't cheat the phone company.
You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
-- Richard Nixon, 1952
You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
-- Peter Frampton
"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
-- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get there from here.
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
only sooner than she thought you would.
You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
-- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
You can't push on a string.
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
-- Lauren Bacall
You can't take damsel here now.
You can't take it with you --
especially when crossing a state line.
You can't teach people to be lazy --
either they have it, or they don't.
-- Dagwood Bumstead
You can't underestimate the power of fear.
-- Tricia Nixon Cox
You climb to reach the summit, but once
there, discover that all roads lead down.
-- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
didn't need the first and last month in advance.
You could live a better life, if you
had a better mind and a better body.
You couldn't even prove the White House
staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
You dialed 5483.
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
You do not have mail.
You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
if you're not planning on coming back down.
-- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
You don't have to know how the computer
works, just how to work the computer.
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
-- J.D. Salinger
You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
-- Guindon
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
reason to eat with knitting needles.
-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
You enjoy the company of other people.
You feel a whole lot more like you do
now than you did when you used to.
You fill a much-needed gap.
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
You get what you pay for.
-- Gabriel Biel
You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
-- Goethe
You go down to the pickup station,
craving warmth and beauty;
You settle for less than fascination --
a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
And the closing lights strip off the shadows
on this strange new flesh you've found --
Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
you hurry to the blackness
and the blankets to lay down an impression
and your loneliness.
-- Joni Mitchell
You got to be very careful if you don't know
where you're going, because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra
You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
And you know it don't come easy ...
I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
And you know it don't come easy ...
You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
Now it's our turn.
-- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
You had mail.
Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
You had some happiness once,
but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
You have a message from the operator.
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
You have a strong desire for a home
and your family interests come first.
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have a truly strong individuality.
You have a will that can be influenced
by all with whom you come in contact.
You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
-- Lois Platford
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
-- Aristophanes
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
You have an unusual equipment for success.
Be sure to use it properly.
You have an unusual understanding of
the problems of human relationships.
You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
You have mail.
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
You have no real enemies.
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
-- John Viscount Morley
You have taken yourself too seriously.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
You'll learn a lot today.
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
-- Lewis Carroll
You humans are all alike.
You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
-- Dylan Thomas
You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
-- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
-- Superchicken
You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
-- Maharbal
You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
-- Garfield
"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!"
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen."
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
You're not a kid at thirty-three,
You play around you lose your wife,
You play too long, you lose your life.
Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
You know, the difference between this company and
the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
You know you're in trouble when...
1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
out of the city.
4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
remember that you don't have a waterbed.
6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
You know you're in trouble when...
1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
and there aren't any.
3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
You know you're in trouble when...
(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
her own business.
(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
You know you're in trouble when...
(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
(3) Your income tax check bounces.
(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
after you bought a waterbed.
(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
for your spouse.
You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
You learn to write as if to someone else
because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
You lived with a man who wore white belts?
Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
-- Remington Steele
You look tired.
You love peace.
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
You may be gone tomorrow, but that
doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
but you're infinitely larger than others.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
You may have heard that a dean is
to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
-- Alfred Kahn
You may my glories and my state dispose,
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond
the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason,
and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
You might have mail.
You must dine in our cafeteria.
You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
prosecution for perjury and fraud.
-- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
You need more time; and you probably always will.
You need no longer worry about the future.
This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You need not worry about your future.
You never gain something but that you lose something.
-- Thoreau
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
You never go anywhere without your soul.
You never have to change anything you
got up in the middle of the night to write.
-- Saul Bellow
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
You never know how many friends you
have until you rent a house on the beach.
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
-- William Blake
You never learned anything by doing it right.
You now have Asian Flu.
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
You plan things that you do not even
attempt because of your extreme caution.
You prefer the company of the opposite
sex, but are well liked by your own.
You probably wouldn't worry about what people
think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
-- Olin Miller
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
"You say there are two types of people?"
"Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
don't."
"Wrong. There are three groups:
Those who separate people into three groups.
Those who don't separate people into groups.
Those who can't decide."
"Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
two groups?"
"Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
"Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
"Yeah."
"So then there's a fifth group, right?"
"You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
minds."
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
You see things; and you say "Why?"
But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
-- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
[No, it WASN'T J.F. Kennedy. Ed.]
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
there is no cat.
-- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
You seek to shield those you love
and you like the role of the provider.
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
-- Joseph Conrad
You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
You should go home.
You should never wear your best trousers
when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
-- Henrick Ibsen
You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
-- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
your feet in it and swish them around a little.
-- Guindon
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
You teach best what you most need to learn.
You tread upon my patience.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
You two ought to be more careful--
your love could drag on for years and years.
You will always find something in the last place you look.
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be advanced socially,
without any special effort on your part.
You will be aided greatly by a person
whom you thought to be unimportant.
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
You will be awarded some great honor.
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
You will be dead within a year.
You will be divorced within a year.
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
You will be honored for contributing
your time and skill to a worthy cause.
You will be imprisoned for contributing
your time and skill to a bank robbery.
You will be married within a year.
You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
You will be run over by a beer truck.
You will be run over by a bus.
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
You will be successful in love.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will be surrounded by luxury.
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
You will contract a rare disease.
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will forget that you ever knew me.
You will gain money by a fattening action.
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
You will gain money by an illegal action.
You will gain money by an immoral action.
You will get what you deserve.
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
You will have a head crash on your private pack.
You will have a long and boring life.
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
You will have long and healthy life.
You will have many recoverable tape errors.
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
You will inherit millions of dollars.
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
You will live to see your grandchildren.
You will lose an important disk file.
You will lose an important tape file.
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
You will never know hunger.
You will not be elected to public office this year.
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
You will outgrow your usefulness.
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
You will pass away very quickly.
You will pay for your sins.
If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
You will soon forget this.
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
but only because your brakes are defective.
You will triumph over your enemy.
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
You will wish you hadn't.
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
-- Frank Hubbard
You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
You worry too much about your job.
Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
-- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
You'll always be,
What you always were,
Which has nothing to do with,
All to do, with her.
-- Company
You'll be called to a post requiring
ability in handling groups of people.
You'll be sorry...
You'll feel devilish tonight.
Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
You'll never see all the places, or read all the
books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
You'll wish that you had done some of the
hard things when they were easier to do.
Young men and young women may work systematically six days
in the week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern
dances for only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The
Waltz, Polka, Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be
disastrous in their effects to both sexes. Health and vigor will
vanish like the dew before the sun.
It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer,
but rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It
is the fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that
undermines the soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and
statistics show beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls
can hardly reach twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even
if they reached that age they will in most instances be broken in
health physically and morally. This is the claim of prominent
physicians in this country.
-- Quote from a 1910 periodical
Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
the defects of both.
-- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
Young men, hear an old man to whom
old men hearkened when he was young.
-- Augustus Caesar
Young men think old men are fools;
but old men know young men are fools.
-- George Chapman
Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
...Here's How You Can Tell
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
listed 10 signs to watch for:
#3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
#6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
#8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
#10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
-- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
[I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
Your aim is high and to the right.
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Your best consolation is the hope that the things
you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
Your business will assume vast proportions.
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
Your code should be more efficient!
Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.
It just stops you from enjoying it.
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
Your fault - core dumped
Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
EOF
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that...
-- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there.
-- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out
with an ice pick.
-- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies.
-- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!"
-- they were the birth control poster child.
-- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother.
-- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to
get the puppy to play with them.
-- they has to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
Your love life will be... interesting.
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
Your lucky color has faded.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
Watch for it everywhere.
Your mind understands what you have been
taught; your heart, what is true.
Your mode of life will be changed for
the better because of good news soon.
Your mode of life will be changed for
the better because of new developments.
Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
Face like ice, a little bit colder
She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
You learned in school"
But I don't really see
Why can't we go on as three?
-- David Crosby, "Triad"
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
Your object is to save the world,
while still leading a pleasant life.
Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
change.
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
Your present plans will be successful.
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
Your step will soil many countries.
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
Your temporary financial embarrassment will
be relieved in a surprising manner.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
Your wig steers the gig.
-- Lord Buckley
Your wise men don't know how it feels
To be thick as a brick.
-- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
Your worship is your furnaces
which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
have molten bowels; your vision is
machines for making more machines.
-- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
You're all clear now, kid.
Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
-- Han Solo
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
You're already carrying the sphere!
You're always thinking you're gonna be
the one that makes 'em act different...
-- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
You're at Witt's End.
You're at the end of the road again.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
You're definitely on their list.
The question to ask next is what list it is.
You're growing out of some of your problems,
but there are others that you're growing into.
You're never too old to become younger.
-- Mae West
You're not Dave. Who are you?
You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
You're working under a slight handicap.
You happen to be human.
Yours is not to reason why,
Just to Sail Away.
And when you find you have to throw
Your Legacy away;
Remember life as was it is,
And is as it were;
Chasing sounds across the galaxy
'Till silence is but a blur.
-- QYX.
Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
-- Robert F. Kennedy
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
Youth is the trustee of posterity.
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
You've been Berkeley'ed!
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
and now you're telling me just to be myself?
-- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
ZEAL:
Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
ZERO DEFECTS:
The result of shutting down a production line.
Zeus gave Leda the bird.
Zisla's Law:
If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.
-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
...all the modern inconveniences...
-- Mark Twain
...an experienced, industrious, ambitious,
and often quite often picturesque liar.
-- Mark Twain
...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
power of meddling.
-- Joseph Conrad
...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If
there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
of value.
-- Ambrose Bierce
(defun NF (a c)
(cond ((null c) () )
((atom (car c))
(append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
(nf a (cddr c))))
(t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
(cond
((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
(not (equal boston-area 'yes))
(lessp challenging 7)) () )
(t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
'((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
(car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
(car 2 caadr 4)))
(list '851-5071x2661)))))
;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
...eighty years later he could still recall with the
young pang of his original joy his falling in love with Ada.
-- Nabokov
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
fortune: No such file or directory
fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
fortune: not found
gy-ro-scope:
A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to
each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction
of the axis of spin.
-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
-- Tommy
((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
-- Alix Kates Shulman
news: gotcha
nohup rm -fr /&
page 46
...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
on placebo."
page 56
The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
body functions.
-- Norman Cousins,
"Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
panic: can't find /
panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
...relaxed in the manner of a man who
has no need to put up a front of any kind.
-- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
semper en excretus
semper ubi sub ubi
sillema sillema nika su
[translation: look it up...hint-fin]
...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
-- Linden and Wihelminalaan
...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
freshman English at a Midwestern university.
-- Tom Wolfe
to be nobody but yourself in a world
which is doing its best night and day
to make you like everybody else
means to fight the hardest battle
any human being can fight and
never stop fighting.
-- e.e. cummings
try again
unix soit qui mal y pense
/usr/news/gotcha
...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
the past.
-- Joseph Wood Krutch
we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
-- Richard Shelton
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
proposition that all men are created jerks.
-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
pick up something from the floor while you get up.
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
a brand new series of three.
Abbott's Admonitions:
1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
the question.
-- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
-- Gen. C. Abrams
Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
-- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
There are no winners in life, only survivors.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
You first.
Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
-- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle
Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
"Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
When my brain begins to reel from my
literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
-- Ignatius Reilly
I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
-- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
-- Gallagher
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home
in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home.
-- Eugene P. Gallagher
Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
in small amounts over a long period of time.
-- George Carlin
He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
-- Giacomo Leopardi
Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
Reactor error - core dumped!
The human animal differs from the lesser
primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
-- H. Allen Smith
If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with your Bic.
It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
-- Oscar Wilde
Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
-- Unnamed Usenetter
Nothing lasts forever.
Where do I find nothing?
I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
night. Live, on the Death label.
Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY -- #23
Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
In Nature there are neither rewards nor
punishments, there are consequences.
-- R.G. Ingersoll
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
TRUST ME:
Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
So many women, so little nerve.
It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
How can you say that the world isn't
Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
"I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
"Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
them, or something?"
"Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
"You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
"No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
would destroy the whole point of it."
-- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
If you teach your children to like computers and to know
how to gamble then they'll always be interested in something
and won't come to no real harm.
Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
-- Dr. John Lightfoot,
Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
-- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless
bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
-- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
-- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
of these atoms is talking moonshine.
-- Ernest Rutherford,
after he had split the atom for the first time
You will never amount to much.
-- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
If I could stick my hand in my heart,
Spill it all over the stage,
Would it satisfy you?
Would it slide on by you?
Would you think the boy was strange?
...
If I could stick a knife in my heart,
Suicide right on the stage,
Would it be enough for your teenage lust?
Would it help to ease the pain?
-- Rolling Stones,
"It's Only Rock 'N' Roll (But I Like It)"
Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
with me.
Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
uncharted waters here.
-- Sally Forth
They call them "squares" because it's the
most complicated shape they can deal with.
In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
Junior, what are you up to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
rabbit.
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
"I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
wolves."
"Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you."
As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and
a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and,
as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge, lion
sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
program to the point where it would not run at all.
-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
-- E. Rutherford
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
You can do each while thinking about the other.
I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
-- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be
solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Real programmers don't document; if it was
hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, He
wouldn't have give me such a vivid imagination.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
The way some people find fault you'd
think there was some kind of reward.
Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
Fremen add life to spice!
All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
The bustard's a kind of a fowl
That of it's name has no reason to growl.
It's saved from what would be
Illegitimacy
By the fortuitous twist of a vowel.
MONTANA:
Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
PAIN:
Falling out of a twenty story building,
and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-- Victor Borge
"We've got a problem, HAL".
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
"That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
they're not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
[...]
"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
"What kludge is that, Dave?"
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
-- "A Problem in the Making",
Darryl Rubin, "InfoWorld", March 4, 1985
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
Adding features does not necessarily increase
functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because
someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at
the top.
-- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it.
What's page one, a preemptive strike?
-- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
-- Unknown Professor, EECS, George Washington University
The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
-- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
I think your opinions are reasonable,
except for the one about my mental instability.
-- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
coffee?"
"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
"I know", replied the beggar "but coffee always makes me horny."
'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
-- Midnight On The Ocean
Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
-- Woody Allen
We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block.
I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded,
middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to
a wedding?"
He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
yeah."
He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You
know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS! #4
A: Go west, young man, go west!
Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS! #19
A: To be or not to be.
Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS! #4
A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS! #31
A: Chicken Teriyaki.
Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS! #15
A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q: What is the highest achievement in taxidermy?
Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
especially that which is prohibited.
-- Newton Minow,
Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St.
Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk
driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6
You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into
the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
his daughter. Your next move is to:
(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
(b) Pass out and hope for sympathy.
(c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
daughter and get her number.
(d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He
mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
remember your name.
(b) Ask what position she played.
(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
(d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
if he recognizes the label.
No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
-- Lenin, 1918
She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
-- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
-- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
-- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
-- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery
A Difficulty for Every Solution.
-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
-- A. Gide
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
-- F. Allen
An efficient and a successful administration manifests
itself equally in small as in great matters.
-- W. Churchill
Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
them, without any power of engaging their respect.
-- J. Austen
But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
-- M. Proust
The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
-- H.D. Thoreau
1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
the social ramble ain't restful.
5. Avoid running at all times.
6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
-- S. Paige, c. 1951
Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
-- A. Benjamin
I had another dream the other day about government financial management
people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
1. You can't push on a string.
2. Ain't no free lunches.
3. Them as has, gets.
4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
You should never bet against anything in science at
odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one.
-- E. Rutherford
The only possible interpretation of any research
whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
-- L. Pasteur
The reverse side also has a reverse side.
-- Japanese proverb
The human mind treats a new idea the way the
body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
-- P. Medawar
I have a simple philosophy:
Fill what's empty.
Empty what's full.
Scratch where it itches.
-- A.R. Longworth
Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
-- W.S. Maugham
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.
Now I'm beginning to believe it.
-- C. Darrow
Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
-- R. Reagan, on the MX missile
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
-- W. Allen
Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
-- J.P. Sartre
Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
a panacea so alleged.
-- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
the recession?"
Poland has gun control.
Kamikazes do it once.
"We've decided to have the budgie put down."
"Oh, is he very old then?"
"No, we just don't like him."
"Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
"Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
above the beak."
"Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
"Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
-- Monty Python
"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
"Oh, it's not dead then."
"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
on the safe side."
"Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
to a dead cat, do you?"
-- Monty Python
The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
King: "How goes the battle plan?"
Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
K: "Yes."
A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
the dust clears."
K: "And?"
A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
K: "But what about the @^#!!$% battle plan?"
A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
NEWS FLASH!!
Today the East German pole-vault champion
became the West German pole-vault champion.
At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
a computer problem?"
"Remember the twin paradox?"
After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
think you can, and that's the point, right?)
THE WOMBAT
The wombat lives across the seas,
Among the far Antipodes.
He may exist on nuts and berries,
Or then again, on missionaries;
His distant habitat precludes
Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
But I would not engage the wombat
In any form of mortal combat.
PROMOTION:
New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
keep it."
TAXES:
Of life's two certainties, the only one for
which you can get an extension.
BOSS:
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
ornamental stud."
DECISIONMAKER:
The person in your office who was unable
to form a task force before the music stopped.
TRANSFER:
A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
INTEREST:
What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
burnt out employees must feign.
TRUST ME:
Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
The three rules of international air travel:
(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
know *exactly* what you're doing.
(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
MIT:
The Georgia Tech of the North
Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
-- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were
small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped
out of a painting by Goya.
-- Stravinsky
Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this;
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
Stop, traveler, and piss.
-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it
exactly backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your
partner will experience a very intense orgasm. One trouble with this
technique, though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will
get around about your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by
prospective sexual partners. So try to be discreet. I prefer maple
syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but that's a matter of personal
preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup, or using honey, if
you're outside, because the bees tend to distract the quail. You can
substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb tacks!) for the masking
tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for awhile.
She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Did you ever see a doctor?"
"No, just spots."
Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
God created a few perfect heads.
The rest he covered with hair.
The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
SPECIES: Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
Description:
Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
Feathering:
HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
Song:
A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
SPECIES: Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
Plumage:
All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
plastic digital watch with calculator.
The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
SPECIES: Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
Courtship & Mating:
Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
Track:
Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
Comments:
Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
"Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
some new underwear.
The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
"No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
The three biggest software lies:
1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
will fix the microcode.
3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
Why does man kill? He kills for food.
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
If only God would give me some clear sign!
Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Notes for a ballet, "The Spell:" ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the
flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ...
Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part
woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who
is careful not to make any poultry jokes...
-- Woody Allen
The prettiest women are almost always the most
boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
hunting accident?"
Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
-- Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Actor: So what do you do for a living?
Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
dishes for Chinese restaurants.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14
Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a
150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a
screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition
for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first
question that the computer community asks?
"Is it PC compatible?"
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
20-year-old son comes in.
"Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
bums. Whatta you trying to do?"
"Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
"Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you
chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
"Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
"Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka
likka that?"
"Papa, we're not Italian."
Hear about...
the farmer who couldn't keep his
hands off his wife so he fired them?
Hear about...
the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
Hear about...
the nurse they thought had drowned
until they found her under the doc?
Hear about...
the little boy that found a fifty cent
piece, so he went home for some money?
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
A man who likes to lie in bed can usually find a girl willing to listen to him.
Hear about...
the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
Hear about...
the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
Hear about...
the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
started chiseling on his wife?
Hear about...
the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
Hear about...
the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
he wanted to transcend dental medication?
The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
"What do you think?" said the the first ranger.
"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
Rumania.
-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A witty saying proves nothing.
-- Voltaire
She was bred in ol' Kentucky
But she's just a crumb up here
She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
With a cauliflower ear
Someday we will be married
And if vegetables become too dear
I'll just cut me a slice of
Her cauliflower ear!
-- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
-- Dijkstra
AQUADEXTROUS:
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
faucet on and off with your toes.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
BLITHWAPPING:
Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
BURBULATION:
The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
CARPERPETUATION:
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen
times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting
it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
MAGNOCARTIC:
Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
CINEMUCK:
The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate
which covers the floors of movie theaters.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
ELBONICS:
The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theatre.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
FLANNISTER:
The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
FENDERBERG:
The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
of car fenders during snowstorms.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
FURBLING:
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport
or bank even when you are the only person in line.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
GENDERPLEX:
The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises).
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
GLEEMITES:
Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
GURMLISH:
The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
IDIOT BOX:
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
KROGT:
(chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found
on fast-food game cards.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
LACTOMANGULATION:
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that
one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
MITTSQUINTER:
A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
MUSTGO:
Any item of food that has been sitting in the
refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
NARCOLEPULACY:
The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
to also yawn.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
SPIRTLE:
The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands
right in your eye.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
PEDIDDEL:
A car with only one working headlight.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
PETRIBAR:
Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
the window of a vending machine too long.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
PHOSFLINK:
To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
will bring it back to life).
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
PURPITATION:
To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
don't want it, and then put it in another section.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
SCRIBLINE:
The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
SLURM:
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it
sits in the dish too long.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
SPAGMUMPS:
Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
SQUATCHO:
The button at the top of a baseball cap.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
TELEPRESSION:
The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
burden on the directory assistant.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
SNACKTREK:
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
have materialized.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
YINKEL:
A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
hoping no one will notice.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
COMPLEX SYSTEM:
One with real problems and imaginary profits.
RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
1. Never eat on an empty stomach.
2. Never leave the table hungry.
3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
4. Enjoy your food.
5. Enjoy your companion's food.
6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for
example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
Which feels better against your cheeks?
8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can
always eat it later.
10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
11. Avoid blue food.
-- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith"
To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a pint
of ice cream nearby.
-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A: Because he was hungry.
There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
elevator with one other person from each floor?
A: The elevator would be full.
Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
"Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6
RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #9
THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #12
O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
With Julie Christie.
NOTICE:
-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
To write those routines
To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest,
And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
destined to lose,
Still strove with his last allocation
To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
-- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
BEAUTY:
What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
The remainder is thrown out.
Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
windows by Democrats.
-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
Kafka's Law:
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
-- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
-- B. Baruch
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
-- Josh Billings
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-- Erma Bombeck
If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
exception" as a rule, then we must conced that there may not be an exception
after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
-- Bill Boquist
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
-- Oscar Wilde
-- THE BATES MOTEL --
... convenient
... clean
... cozy
Norman, knock loudly,
I'm in the shower.
M.
The steady state of disks is full.
-- Ken Thompson
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
Happiness is a positive cash flow.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
-- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
-- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
-- Grover Cleveland, 1905
There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
-- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
-- Tris Speaker, 1921
User hostile.
I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
-- Nam June Paik
There's no real need to do housework --
after four years it doesn't get any worse.
I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
person, you will not sell me another book.
If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
The only things you'll find in the middle of
the road are a yellow stripe and dead armadillos.
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
-- Wm. Shakespeare
If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
Are of imagination all compact...
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
French restaurant. [...]
I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
"Stop the car," the girl said.
There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
belle's for thee."
The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
onto my granola and faced a new day.
-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
Competition
All the world's a VAX,
And all the coders merely butchers;
They have their exits and their entrails;
And one int in his time plays many widths,
His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
And shining morning face, creeping like slug
Unwillingly to school.
-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
In the early morning queue,
With a listing in my hand.
With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
Hey, there it goes my friend,
I've moved up one at last.
-- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
me to cry.
This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
to weep."
I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
back; I would be nice."
Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
"Oh, not enough."
"Nobody can give anybody enough."
"Not ever?"
"No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
"And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
"Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
-- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
Everye nighte and alle,
Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
And Christe receive thy saule.
-- The Lykewake Dirge
For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
And no quarrel a knight ought to take
But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
-- Stephen Hawes
Chamberlain's Laws:
1: The big guys always win.
2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
People don't change; they only become more so.
Batteries not included.
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
-- Alex Clark
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
-- R. Clopton
People will accept your ideas much more readily if
you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
There are three ways to get something done:
1: Do it yourself.
2: Hire someone to do it for you.
3: Forbid your kids to do it.
Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
1: Get elected.
2: Get re-elected.
3: Don't get mad, get even.
-- Sen. Everett Dirksen
The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
When forecasting, give them a number
or give them a date, but never both.
An economist is a man who would marry
Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
The herd instinct among economists
makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
Dear Lord:
I just want a one-armed manager so I
never have to hear "On the other hand", again.
17th Rule of Friendship:
A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
noncancellable.
-- Esquire, May 1977
The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
-- J.P. Getty
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-- S. Goldwyn
Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
All men have the right to wait in line.
Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
Except for women.
Each person has the right to take the subway.
Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
IBM Pollyanna Principle:
Machines should work. People should think.
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
that everything he encounters needs pounding.
Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
Last guys don't finish nice.
Everything that you read in a newspaper is absolutely true, except
for that rare story of which you happen to have firsthand knowledge.
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
Lawyer's Rule:
When the law is against you, argue the facts.
When the facts are against you, argue the law.
When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
There's amnesia in a hangknot,
And comfort in the ax,
But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.
There's surcease in a gunshot,
And sleep that comes from racks,
But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.
You find rest on the hot squat,
Or gas can give you pax,
But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.
There's refuge in the church lot
When you tire of facing facts,
And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.
Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --
But the pleasantest place to find your end
Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.
-- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"
And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
Addams -- he was good for nothing."
-- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
How much for your women? I want to buy your
daughter... how much for the little girl?
-- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
The thrill is here, but it won't last long
You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
-- Oscar Wilde
ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22)
Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and
assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People
will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose.
LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
is watching you, so stop staring like that.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
to throw up. Knock it off.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
obnoxious self. Call your mother.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
payday. Stop wetting your bed.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
get run over by a bus.
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
Most folks they like the daytime,
'cause they like to see the shining sun.
They're up in the morning,
off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
But when the sun goes down,
and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
Now there are two sides to this great big world,
and one of them is always night.
If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
I guess you're gonna be all right.
Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
My eyes just can't stand the light.
'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
-- Carly Simon
Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
it's not going to do anything for you.
-- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
The pair of them went to Manhasset,
(Nan and the man with the asset.)
Pa followed them there,
But they left in a tear,
And as for the asset, Manhasset.
Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
Pa said to the man,
"You're welcome to Nan."
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
is a fraud.
-- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
You'll never go wrong with a pig!
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
A: Because they're worth it!
In these days
Of toil and sin
Your head grows bald
But not your chin
-- Burma Shave
Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies.
The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant
with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds
of hell.
-- St. Augustine
Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
Would you like to be tried in court by people
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
possession. And the moral of the story is:
The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
hit you.
But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
kill more than I could eat.
-- Raoul Duke
Macho, adj.:
Jogging home from your vasectomy.
According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
and a void.
-- Democritus, 400 B.C.
One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
bus pass."
The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside.
He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"
-- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
And if you wonder,
What I am doing,
As I am heading for the sink.
I am spitting out all the bitterness,
Along with half of my last drink.
Oh I'm just a typical American boy
From a typical American town.
I believe in God and Senator Dodd
And keeping old Castro down.
And when it came my time to serve
I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
But when I got to my old draft board,
Buddy, this is what I said:
Chorus:
Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
And I always carry a purse!
I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
And my asthma's getting worse!
Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
And my poor old invalid aunt!
Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
-- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
-- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
-- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
Hi. I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
-- Mark Twain
If men are not afraid to die,
it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
If men live in constant fear of dying,
And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
Who will dare to break the law?
There is always an official executioner.
If you try to take his place,
It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
you will only hurt your hand.
-- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
qualified who is willing to accept the post."
"Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
can at least make a decision."
"Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
-- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
things was itself the doing of them.
To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
spread only for demons or for gods."
-- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
-- shades
Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
-- Tom Robbins
Stenderup's Law:
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
In this vale
Of toil and sin
Your head grows bald
But not your chin.
-- Burma Shave
Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup.
Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
-- Ian Dury
I consider a new device or technology to have been
culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
-- M. Gallaher
Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
-- C.B. Luce
"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
-- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He
was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being
a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena,
the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he
pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the
lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so
the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
"Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
Micro Credo:
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
Once upon this midnight incoherent,
While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
Over many a broken and subordinate
Volume of gnarly lore,
While I pestered, nearly singing,
Sudddenly there came a hewing,
As of someone profusely skulking,
Skulking at my chamber door.
Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that,
when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers
become soft.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten
But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please
Don't send such drivel overseas;
A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax:
I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile
And criticized my writing style.
Each day I scan each Subject line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet...
-- Ed Nather
"What are you watching?"
"I don't know."
"Well, what's happening?"
"I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did
something terrible."
"Why are you watching it?"
"You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let
art flow over you."
-- The Big Chill
Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
up, you'd better be running.
I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
but a lot harder than it appears.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
-- Eugene McCarthy
Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
(unless struck by a boomerang).
-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs.
For every human problem, there is a neat,
plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
-- H.L. Mencken
Phases of a Project:
(1) Exultation.
(2) Disenchantment.
(3) Confusion.
(4) Search for the Guilty.
(5) Punishment for the Innocent.
(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the
battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
-- Damon Runyon
Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
-- R.E. Schenk
O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
-- E. Sevareid
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
Finality is death.
Perfection is finality.
Nothing is perfect.
There are lumps in it.
(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
furniture, shelves, and showcases.
(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
Wash the windows once a week.
(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
coal for the day's business.
(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
individual taste.
(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
Works, 1872
(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
and other good books.
(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
business permit it.
-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
Works, 1872
Ankh if you love Isis.
Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes.
Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
Cthulhu for President --
if you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.
Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Everyone was born right-handed.
Only the greatest overcome it.
God is real, unless declared integer.
"The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!"
I don't have to take this abuse from you --
I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
If people see that you mean them no harm,
they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
It's hard to think of you as the end
result of millions of years of evolution.
I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
That's odd. That's very odd.
Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
All intelligent species own cats.
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgement upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
-- J. Hawes
My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner to low.
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment.
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
in the others.
While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
over roulette.
-- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
Probably soon after she throws me out.
And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest unto the
town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine bosom 35 talents,
and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, provideth that they
are nice and fresh."
-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
I own my own body, but I share.
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case
of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good
baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for
sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over
from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three
seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their
souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
ever considering whether there were men on base.
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
Q: How do you play religious roulette?
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
struck by lightning first.
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
The difference between reality and unreality
is that reality has so little to recommend it.
-- Allan Sherman
Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
"Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
"Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
a-comin'."
If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
-- Ann Landers
A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Archbishop."
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
up from being the Pope?"
"What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
been havin' all these years."
Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
more mature than I am.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
-- Mark Twain
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
"I thought you said you were an accountant."
"The pyramid is opening!"
"Which one?"
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target
Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
Well, if you can't believe what you read
in a comic book, what *can* you believe?
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit.
General: What does that make YOU?
Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.
His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
Our Standardized Model should please even you,
Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
Yet your state of the union penultimate large
Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
-- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an
Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
-- James Quirk
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
-- Phil White
I am changing my name to Chrysler
I am going down to Washington, D.C.
I will tell some power broker
What they did for Iacocca
Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
I am changing my name to Chrysler,
I am heading for that great receiving line.
When they hand a million grand out,
I'll be standing with my hand out,
Yessir, I'll get mine!
Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today --
I think he's from the CIA.
The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
When in doubt, use brute force.
-- Ken Thompson
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
-- Norm Schryer
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
-- Dave Storer
Maintainer's Motto:
If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
The First Rule of Program Optimization:
Don't do it.
The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
Don't do it yet.
-- Michael Jackson
One Page Principle:
A specification that will not fit on one page
of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood.
-- Mark Ardis
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
-- H. H. Williams
God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
Pick one.
1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
2: It's cheaper than going to France.
3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
4: Life is short.
5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
6: It matches my eyes.
7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
-- Garrison Keillor
Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
-- E.F. Benson
"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
"Of course it's the murder weapon.
Who would frame someone with a fake?"
Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
applications for.
-- Dave Barry
Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
improve ...
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
... This striving for excellence extends into people's
personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
Liza Minnelli.
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
excellence:
"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
-- "The Jabberwock"
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
represents the secondary theme:
Law Enforcement Officials
The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
-- M. Gallaher
While having never invented a sin,
I'm trying to perfect several.
Chef, n:
Any cook who swears in French.
Gourmet, n:
Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
leaving the best part.
FROM THE DESK OF
Rapunzel
Dear Prince:
Use ladder tonight --
you're splitting my ends.
FROM THE DESK OF
Snow White
Dear Snow White:
Thanks for last night.
Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
-- Pogo
No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
(refrain)
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
(refrain)
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
(refrain)
Refrain:
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached.
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
-- Audobon Society Magazine
An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully
and with great restraint.
As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get
stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system
is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated
mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
are particular and not generalizable.
The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile."
-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the
arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians'
predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventive action
explains why they led the field for many years in both chess and ax
murders. It is well known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of
what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a
vigorous program of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire
year, a team of psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the
top three Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy
stick. That these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess
history and a further testament to the American way, which provides
that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland
and get it from the Russians.
-- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
his followers.
One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
Purpose in Life, anyway?"
Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
power-down sequence.
An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
cool.
Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words
Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been
clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between
Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and
And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where,
it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
-- Fran Lebowitz
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
-- Dean McLaughlin.
And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
tragedy face to face, we have politics.
-- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
"Root Crops and Ground Cover"
The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
-- Lily Tomlin
The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long
time.
I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
seem to work.
-- Gallagher
On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
"You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
normal person?"
Some people have a way about them that seems to say:
"If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into
manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
overturning everything.
-- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
For every bloke who makes his mark,
there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
-- Andy Capp
Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
helmet off.
-- Lyndon Johnson
In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
"One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
combination."
Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
Just go with the flow control, roll with the
crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
moon.
-- H.L. Mencken
Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
Now ... just try to find out where!
Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
If you want to come, you're not invited.
I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
-- Marilyn Chambers
Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
brush after them.
NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
and/or frogs falling from the sky.
It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he
found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one
he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They
discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second
new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell
me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70",
Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
Being owned by someone used to be called
slavery -- now it's called commitment.
When you meet a master swordsman,
show him your sword.
When you meet a man who is not a poet,
do not show him your poem.
-- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next
time. I would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have
been this trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I
would be crazier. I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and
watch more sunsets. I'd travel and see. I would have more actual
troubles and fewer imaginary ones. You see, I am one of those people
who lives prophylactically and sensibly and sanely, hour after hour,
day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, if I had it to do over
again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else.
Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead
each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a
parachute. If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do
things and travel lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over,
I would start bare-footed earlier in the spring and stay that way later
in the fall. I would play hooky more. I probably wouldn't make such
good grades, but I'd learn more. I would ride on more
merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
"Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
"Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
"Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
paper boots."
"What's he wanted for?"
"Rustling."
Chorus:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
And incriminating claus-marks on her
Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and
plays with elves!
-- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
Law of the Yukon:
Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
Home is the place where, when you have to go there
They have to take you in.
-- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
Paralysis through analysis.
"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
"How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?"
"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
Go away. I'm all right.
-- H.G. Wells' last words
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
-- Redd Foxx
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
-- Elvis Presley
"Hello," he lied.
-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
The United States is like the guy at the party who
gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.
-- Jim Samuels
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
-- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
-- Fred Allen
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
-- Ronnie Shakes
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing
is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-- Phyllis Diller
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
-- Marty Winch
Coincidences are spiritual puns.
-- G.K. Chesterton
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read
War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
-- Woody Allen
One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
-- Chateaubriand, 1768-1848
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
-- Nicol Williamson
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
-- George Burns
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
Dr. Livingston?
Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
Firings will continue until morale improves.
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
-- Jack Paar
I'm living so far beyond my income that
we may almost be said to be living apart.
-- E.E. Cummings
There is no need to do any housework at all.
After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
-- Quentin Crisp
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Steven Wright
On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
she looked like the side of a barn.
I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
to decide quickly. I decided.
A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after
faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF
OZ on the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick
road. His wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He
is wearing a kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and
puffy sleeves and big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on
top. His yellow hair and beard are the phony straw color of
Hollywood. He could pass for some kind of cute in the typical
tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife sticking out of his chest.
*Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
-- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of --
Wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence.
Hovering there
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up along delirious, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
-- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
Chairman of the Bored.
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6
RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
-- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
-- Sir Richard Burton
If it heals good, say it.
"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
-- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
of the grandstands.
Feminism, n:
A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
Millihelen, adj:
The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
"Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
"No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
"That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
"I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
terrific weekend."
I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-- Woody Allen
What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
their grasp before they were five years old.
-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
arrests.
"Not a very impressive record," I offered.
"Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
these complaints represent?"
"What do they represent?" I asked.
"Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
closing the book.
-- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
self-propagating.
-- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
WE CAN HELP!
Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A: A deep C diva.
This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
-- Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
-- Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
I spent last summer folding it.
People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
-- Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright
I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
-- Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Steven Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
-- Steven Wright
Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
-- Repo Man
A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
language?"
A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
have what I think is a pretty good act."
The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
"Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
"That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
imitations?"
What's another word for Thesaurus?
-- Steven Wright
A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The
results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
-- Steel City News
The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by
his brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than
there is Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English
teachers.
-- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter
I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
-- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
a visit to a London veterans hospital
During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
perform as president?"
Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
inexperience."
We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The
bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its...
Did I say socialism?
-- Fidel Castro
FOR SALE:
Parachute. Used once.
Never opened. Slightly Stained.
After living in New York, you trust nobody,
but you believe everything. Just in case.
Why bother building anymore nuclear
warheads until we use the ones we have?
Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;
Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
We buried him today because
As far as we can tell, he's dead.
-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher;
"The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
I can't think why not.
-- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
"The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything
to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life
I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
-- David Letterman
I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
I play just what I feel.
Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
And die behind the wheel.
They got a name for the winners in the world,
I want a name when I lose.
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
Call me Deacon Blues.
-- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
full of money before."
Why be difficult, when, with just a
little more effort, you can be impossible?
So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
Dull women have immaculate homes.
All work and no pay makes a housewife.
Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
-- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
Save the bales!
Take me drunk,
I'm home again!
If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
I used to have a drinking problem.
Now I love the stuff.
I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
Silence is the only virtue you have left.
I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
-- Florence Henderson
If it's worth doing, do it for money.
When I was a child, I was told that anyone could become President.
I'm beginning to believe it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
You'll never know how many friends you really
have until you own a cottage at the beach.
Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
The major difference between genius and
stupidity is that genius has its limits.
It's not whether you win or lose,
it's how you place the blame.
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Talent does what it can.
Genius does what it must.
You do what you get paid to do.
I owe, I owe,
It's off to work I go...
Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
-- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
All I need to have a good time,
Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
All I want is to never grow old,
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
I want 97 kilos already rolled,
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
-- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
Security Agency.
"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..."
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"...bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..."
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without
a purpose, but never without a POINT.
"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
Hollerith, v:
What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
Or some joker who is slicker,
Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
renkontas. I've met.
La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor?
Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me.
Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor.
Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some
contraceptives.
^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too?
Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels.
Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish
Inkvizicion. Inquisition.
La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two.
Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket,
vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me?
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
-- Groucho Marx
Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
^cevalon.
Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
I went out for a ride and never came back.
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
Lay down your money and you play your part,
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
I met her in a Kingstown bar,
We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
Everybody needs a place to rest,
Everybody wants to have a home.
Don't make no difference what nobody says,
Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
-- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
Definitely a dog.
"I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
I think very probably he might be cured."
"That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
"His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
The elders murmured assent.
"Now, what affects it?"
"Ah!" said old Yacob.
"This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant
irritation and distraction."
"Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
"And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
"And then he will be sane?"
"Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
"Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
-- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
The only thing that stops God from sending
another flood is that the first one was useless.
-- Chamfort
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
-- Gauguin
Housework can kill you if done right.
-- Erma Bombeck
A man always remembers his first love with special
tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
-- Mencken
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
-- Garrison Keillor
The happiest time in any man's life
is just after the first divorce.
-- Galbraith
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck
The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
-- Jerry Brown
Business is a good game -- lots of competition
and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
The opposite of talking isn't listening.
The opposite of talking is waiting.
-- Fran Liebowitz
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
-- Josi Simon
The trouble with eating Italian food is that
five or six days later you're hungry again.
-- George Miller
Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
-- Calvin Trillin
The trouble with heart disease is that the first
symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
-- Michael Phelps
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
-- Carrie Snow
When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
had to take drugs and go to concerts.
-- Steven Pearl
I believe that professional wrestling is clean
and everything else in the world is fixed.
-- Frank Deford, sports writer
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
-- Churchill
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
-- Michael Winner, British film director
It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
-- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
elected governor of California.
[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
There are three rules for writing a novel.
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-- Maugham
All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
-- Larry Lee
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
-- Steven Pearl
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
-- Alex Levine
[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
Jupiter can have no satellites:
There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
and therefore do not exist.
I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
the earth.
Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
Keywords: C sources
Distribution: na
I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
must be done?
Do you believe in intuition?
No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
-- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
-- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
-- Alfred North Whitehead
I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
-- Judge Harold T. Stone
Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
preaching to a group of disciples.
"Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
the absolute reality of --"
"Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
vaporized.
On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
with the spirit of the morning.
"Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
"Thou art That..."
"Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
and he vaporized.
Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
"US?" snapped Hakuin.
Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
Governor, and he vaporized.
Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
You can always tell the people that are forging the new
frontier. They're the ones with arrows sticking out of them.
Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
how are they supposed to know you care?
What's this stuff about people being "released on their
own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
live with a British wife, and eat American food.
--Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
Once Again From the Top
Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
The Herald regrets the errors."
-- "The Progressive", March, 1987
DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
-- Mel Ferentz
A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
-- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
Reality must take precedence over public
relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled.
-- R.P. Feynman
"The jig's up, Elman."
"Which jig?"
-- Jeff Elman
As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
-- Dave "First Strike" Pare
CF&C stole it, fair and square.
-- Tim Hahn
You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
be gettin' no work done at 5 am anyway.
-- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
-- Phil Lapsley
The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
engineers.
We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
-- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
-- Phil Lapsley
Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
-- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
-- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
-- Debbie VanDam
This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
We have emotional moving vans.
-- Bruce Feirstein
Sudden Death Dating:
Quote, female:
Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
at this point I'll take his first name, too.
As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been
in therapy for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words
"I am sorry" and "I am wrong" will have totally disappeared from
their vocabulary. They will stab you, shoot you, break things in
your apartment, say horrible things to your friends and family, and
then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
"Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
for doing it."
-- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
Don't get mad, get even.
-- Joseph P. Kennedy
Don't get even, get jewelry.
-- Anon.
Don't get even, get odd.
Some people live life in the fast lane.
You're in oncoming traffic.
Ankh if you love Isis.
You mean you didn't *know* she was off
making lots of little phone companies?
Avoid cliches like the plague.
They're a dime a dozen.
Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
Cthulhu Cthucks!
Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
Cthulhu for President!
(If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
If I could just remember what it was.
The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
Pandora's Rule:
Never open a box you didn't close.
The groundhog is like most other prophets;
it delivers its message and then disappears.
Death before dishonor.
But neither before breakfast.
Hatcheck girl:
"Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
Mae West:
"Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
-- "Night After Night", 1932
Adding sound to movies would be like
putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
-- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
T-shirt:
Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
fit to hear his view of things?"
"Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
and you may feel free to kick his ass."
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
A bachelor is an unaltared male.
A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
waiting for a taxi.
"Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
"How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
A joint is just tea for two.
If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
If the government doesn't trust the people, why
doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
Interfere? Of course you should interfere!
Always do what you're best at, I say.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
What a finely tuned resopnse to the situation!
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
Sushido, n:
The way of the tuna.
Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
The unfacts, did we have them, are too
imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
When Cthulhu calls, he calls collect.
Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
-- Gauss
Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while
computer scientists stand on each other's toes.
-- Richard Hamming
It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders.
If this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes,
and software engineers dig each other's graves.
-- Unknown
FEAR:
What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
-- Freud
PROBLEM DRINKER:
A man who never buys.
Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
nice gesture you made today, George.
"What do you mean?" asked George.
"Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
"Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
know."
The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the
lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
"Whaddaya want?"
"Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
The meek don't want it.
There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
"I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
"Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
they're carrying upstairs!"
A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
A bachelor is an unaltared male.
A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
waiting for a taxi.
"Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
"How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
A joint is just tea for two.
A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something of
yours to press against my heart.
-- Goethe
Behold the unborn foetus and
Weep salt tears crocodilian;
All life is sacred (save, of course,
An enemy civilian).
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
Blow it out your ear.
COLORADO:
Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
A beer delayed is a beer denied.
If you don't drink it, someone else will.
I don't care what star you're following;
get that camel out of my front yard!
"Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
"We wound barbed wire around them."
"That stop him?"
"No, but it sure slowed him up."
Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
-- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
-- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
even if most of them are bad.
Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
deserts.
-- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS 59
4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
-- /etc/motd, cbosgd
The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
-- Charles Schulz
Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
-- John Lennon
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
-- Woody Allen
In the long run we are all dead.
-- John Maynard Keynes
Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
For three days after death hair and fingernails
continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-- Thomas De Quincey
The difference between genius and stupidity
is that genius has its limits.
Egotist, n:
A person ... more interested in himself than in me.
-- Ambrose Bierce
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
-- Gore Vidal
Don't be humble. You're not that great.
-- Golda Meir
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
-- Sam Levenson
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
reasoning with them won't aggravate.
When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
knob.
-- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
The meek shall inherit the Earth.
(But they're gonna have to fight for it...)
War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
-- Sean O'Huiginn
May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
-- Susan Dooley
St. Patrick was a gentleman
who through strategy and stealth
drove all the snakes from Ireland.
Here's a toasting to his health --
but not too many toastings
lest you lose yourself and then
forget the good St. Patrick
and see all those snakes again.
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full mooon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.
It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
of infanticide.
-- Edmond About
Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
-- Edmond About
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
but to protect the writer.
-- Dean Acheson
The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
Every class is unfit to govern.
-- Lord Acton
The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
all of the people all of the time.
-- Franklin Adams
When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
liar who has broken his promises.
-- Franklin Adams
Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
systematic organisation of hatreds.
-- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
-- Henry Adams
The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
-- Joey Adams
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
your wife asks you for nothing.
-- Joey Adams
Men who cherish for women the highest
respect are seldom popular with them.
-- Joseph Addison
If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable.
-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
-- Alfred Adler
The English instinctively admire any man
who has no talent and is modest about it.
-- James Agate, British film and drama critic
The way to a man's heart is through his
wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
-- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
-- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from
the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white
family.
-- Saul Alinsky
California is a fine place to live in -- if you're an orange.
-- Fred Allen
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
-- Fred Allen
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
-- Fred Allen
Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
country was built.
-- Hubert Allen
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
raises some pretty good questions.
-- Woody Allen
Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
-- Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
-- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
In California they don't throw their garbadge away -- they make
it into television shows.
-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
more.
-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path
leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction.
Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
-- Woody Allen
Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
-- Joseph Alsop
What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
-- Robert Altman
In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
-- Idi Amin Dada
Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
to be otherwise.
-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
arch-enemy -- and that is life.
-- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
and powerful know that he is.
-- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
-- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
-- Michael Arlen
The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
-- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
-- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
each other's throat.
-- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
their wish has been granted.
-- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
Money cannot buy
The fuel of love
but is excellent kindling.
To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
Is a keen observer of life,
The word intellectual suggests right away
A man who's untrue to his wife.
-- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
-- C.E. Ayres
Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
-- Balfour
Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
-- Russell
Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
-- Chazal
I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
-- John Foreman
To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
Science and religion are in full accord but
science and faith are in complete discord.
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think
and getting out of the way before it is understood
I've finally learned what 'upward compatible' means.
It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
-- Dennie van Tassel
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
entirely different.
-- Goethe
The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
-- Jim Warner
Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
-- Jim Horning
Don't remember what you can infer.
-- Harry Tennant
In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
-- The Kidner Report
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
-- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
-- Tom Stoppard
If God had really intended men to fly,
he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
-- George Winters
I have more humility in my little finger
than you have in your whole BODY!
-- Cerebus, #82
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
-- Robert Firth
brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
Multics, adj:
Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
because he/she should have known better. Calling something
brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
feature, n:
A surprising property of a program. Occasionaly documented. To
call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
Ferguson's Precept:
A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
-- Bertrand Russell
Rune's Rule:
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
He was the sort of person whose personality
would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
Wad some power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us.
-- R. Browning
I don't mind arguing with myself.
Its when I lose that it bothers me.
-- Richard Powers
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
-- Thoreau
Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so.
-- Ford Prefect
Much of the excitement we get out of our work
is that we don't really know what we are doing.
-- E. Dijkstra
"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
trees to prove their manhood.
-- Dave Barry
When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
-- Brooke Shields
Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
-- G.H. Gonnet
Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
-- Randy Goebel
If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
-- Jerry Muscha
Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
that be and their friends hang out.
-- Zonker Harris
"What are you doing?"
"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
period."
"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are recticent to admit,
let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
near your person at all times."
-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence."
-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
What we do not understand we do not possess.
-- Goethe
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit
it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
-- Machiavelli
A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
-- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
-- Mr. Interesting
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
when I was passing through satisfaction.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
in the same way as us.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
-- Stanislaw Lem
Justice, n:
A decision in your favor.
You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for
an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey?
-- Brillat-Savarin
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
drink with -- even if he drank.
-- Mencken
I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
-- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
Viking, n:
1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
in the 9th century.
Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
property.
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
-- Anonymous
Knights are hardly worth it.
I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
regain their composure.
Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
answer, but a certain wrong answer?
-- Tobaben
The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
-- Mike Smith
The tree of research must from time to time
be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
-- Alan Kay
By working faithfully eight hours a day,
you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
-- Robert Frost
The worst part of having success is trying
to find someone who is happy for you.
-- Bette Midler
I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
-- Henny Youngman
The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to
the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
-- Macaulay, "History of England, I"
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
together we'll face the world.
-- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
Dignity is like a flag.
It flaps in a storm.
-- Roy Mengot
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
-- David Gerrold
The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
is the most likely to be correct.
-- William of Occam
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan,
more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the
creation of a new system. For the initiator has the emnity of all
who would profit by the preservation of the old institutions and
merely lukewarm defenders in those who would gain by the new ones.
-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
Gil-galad was an Elven-King
of him the harpers sadly sing;
the last whose realm was fair and free
between the Mountains and the Sea.
His sword was long, his lance was keen,
his shining helm afar was seen;
the countless stars of heaven's field
were mirrored in his silver shield.
But long ago he rode away,
and where he dwelleth none can say;
for into darkness fell his star
in Mordor where the shadows are.
It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to
do almost anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is
possible to push a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean
that this is a sensible way of getting it there. Each of these
techniques of language extension should be used in its proper place.
-- Christopher Strachey
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
-- Mark Twain
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
-- Nero Wolfe
HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from
what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
-- "The Hipcrime Vocab", Chad C. Mulligan
"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
feel interested.
"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
Aged Man.'"
"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
Alice corrected herself.
"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
time completely bewildered.
"I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
--Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
If I set here and stare at nothing long enough,
people might think I'm an engineer working on something.
-- S.R. McElroy
When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
-- Raymond Chandler
Chapter 1:
The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made
a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
-- Mark Twain
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
-- Shaw
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
-- Christopher Morley
I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down
the middle of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace"
in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
-- Woody Allen
It is all right to hold a conversation,
but you should let go of it now and then.
-- Richard Armour
Now I lay me back to sleep.
The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
If he should stop before I wake,
Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
-- Anonymous
Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to
bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.
The problem with engineers is that they tend to
cheat in order to get results.
The problem with mathematicians is that they tend
to work on toy problems in order to get results
The problem with program verifiers is that they tend
to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
that much.
-- Augustine
Responsibility:
Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
-- Cerebus, "On Governing"
Anything is possible on paper.
-- Ron McAfee
We are each only one drop in a great
ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
An Ada exception is when a routine gets
in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
-- Lord Kalvin
Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
-- Buckeroo Banzai
I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier
in the summer.
-- Brendan Behan
A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
-- Maurine Lewis
The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction.
Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
I'm not respectable.
-- Ruthven Campbell Todd
Say it with flowers,
Or say it with mink,
But whatever you do,
Don't say it with ink!
-- Jimmie Durante
Love to eat them mousies;
Mousies what I love to eat.
Bite they tiny heads off,
Nibble on they tiny feet!
-- Kilban
Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
-- Foghorn Leghorn
The streets were dark with something more than night.
-- Raymond Chandler
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
Amen.
The best laid plans of mice and men
are held up in the legal department.
No group of professionals meets except to
conspire against the public at large.
-- Mark Twain
One thing about the past.
It's likely to last.
-- Ogden Nash
Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
-- Russell Banks
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
-- John Keats
Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
-- Hubert Kirrman
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-- Blaise Pascal
If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
-- Edwim Schrodinger
I don't want to achieve immortality through my works.
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-- Woody Allen
A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
-- Don Marquis
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
-- Don Marquis
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
-- Robert Benchley
God is REAL unless declared INTEGER.
There are many intelligent species in
the universe, and they all own cats.
I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
-- Archie Goodwin
You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
are merely deputies of that one.
-- Nero Wolfe
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.
WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
differences once and for all.
When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
of the Mexican revolution:
"Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
captured on is way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
army where he was then executed."
We're Knights of the Round Table
We dance whene'er we're able We're knights of the Round Table
We do routines and chorus scenes Our shows are formidable
With footwork impeccable But many times
We dine well here in Camelot We're given rhymes
We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. That are quite unsingable
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests
We sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot.
I have to push the pram a lot.
-- Monty Python
And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
(skip a bit brother...)
Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
snuff it.
-- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
Fog Lamps, n:
Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
-- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
I just got out of the hospital after a
speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
-- S. Wright
I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
-- S. Wright
I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
-- S. Wright
I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract - no brush, no
I woke up one morning and found that everything in my apartment had been
stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I called up a friend of mine,
told him this. He said, "Do I know you?"
-- S. Wright
I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no
canvas, I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where
all of the art was done by children. All the paintings were hung on
refridgerators.
-- S. Wright
He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
-- S. Wright
I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
-- S. Wright
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
-- S. Wright
I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
-- S. Wright
I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
-- S. Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
-- S. Wright
Go away. I'm all right.
-- H.G. Wells' last words
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't
park anywhere near the place.
-- Steven Wright
World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland,
a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster.
The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and
Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful
settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war
postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel
appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men!
Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!"
So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling
the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the
Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God
said, "It will be done."
The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I*
wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done."
So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of
shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel
avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew
thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small
cup of coffee."
An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
concerned...
I gan noo wha ma organs gan
When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
And iver her purse was wet.
But old Sir Oswald allus stank
Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
What I have done without.
But ere ye come to draw ma heart
Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
Afore I have a pee.
-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
68:
Do me now and I'll owe you one.
69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
more than a year.
"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
downed his drink and left disgustedly.
A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
this part of town?"
"Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
'round here would know?"
"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
"Seven!?"
"Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
of the bar.
The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him,
blanched and ran out of the bar.
The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
that he had ever eaten.
"Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
kind of meat is it?"
"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
"Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
"Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
to his death.
"DUMB YANKEE."
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
"Well, sure," said the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a gallon
or two."
A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few
minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between
them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend
the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her
partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the
morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous
night he decides that he wants to be honest with his lover. Without even
bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks
deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
you -- I'm Thor!".
The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
like grated cheeth!"
A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise
at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
this barren bit of land.
"Almost twenty years," he answered.
"Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
"Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
replied.
"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
"What's that?" He looked puzzled.
Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked
how he had enjoyed it.
"Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he
would send his wife a telegram saying,
"Can't come home yet. Still buying."
His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
she wired him,
"Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
most men know it's there, but few really care.
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left
to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the
other end."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No. Down there."
The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
penis."
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
that woman."
A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
drowned in the lake!"
"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
more chain than he can swim with?"
A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
"If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
hard it was to get any sleep.
"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
-- Bobby Knight
A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
German Air Force.
He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
girl there.
"This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie."
"What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
"This frog can eat pussy."
The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much
discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his
owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
"Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
"C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
By now, the girl is laughing openly.
"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
only going to show you one more time."
A hard man is good to find.
A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
"Saunders, help me please!"
"But what is it, Madame?"
"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted,
"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
this here corn liquor?"
"Got one right here," replied the guard.
The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
want killed?"
A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I
can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out
and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered,
"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the
husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their
wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
"Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin."
Naturally, the husband is surprised.
"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
virgin?"
"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
computer programmer."
"What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be
a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
tell me how great it was going to be."
A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
anything to show my gratitude."
"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
and take that damn dog for a walk!"
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A man never minds being in the doghouse
as long as he can get his tail outside.
A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
them one after another.
"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
"No thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
the train platform.
"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
"Glad to do it," said the other man.
"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
"It was a pleasure," said the man.
"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
"she was a truly great lay."
The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
Sam is a helluva nice guy."
A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
is eight-year-old Scotch."
The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
is on the house."
A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which
the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can
be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man
thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood
shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I
was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "for a Catholic priest in
a little town in South Dakota it doesn't seem so bad."
A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
He arrived in Needles CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
hasn't been your day, has it?"
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little
girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
another one was going to show up."
A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
the pressure.
"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
foreman. "The other men swear by it."
The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
every day!"
"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
other men replied.
"Why not then?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-- Phyllis Schlafly
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
true to the very end of the end of a friend.
A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in
mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented
octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door
the next morning, he asked the octopus,
"Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
night!"
A person who has both feet planted firmly
in the air can be safely called a liberal.
A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say,
Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were
all of 'em dead?"
Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them Mex'cans lie."
A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
for fun at the lad's expense.
"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
give him the proper size.
"I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a
half interest in the store."
A spinster in Kalamazoo
Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
She was seized by the nape,
And fucked by an ape,
And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
A man with a prick
Half as stiff and as thick
As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
attendant.
"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
about the same."
A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under
a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing
uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
A virgin is chaste.
A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
-- Oscar Wilde
A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were,
expressed this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying:
"Coitus is merely an unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
masturbation is "by no means harmless"
A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers.
-- Blind Lemon Pledge
A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought
out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl
who uses bad words?"
"Who told you?"
"A little bird," answered the mother.
"Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been
feeding the little bastards, too!"
A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
my pantyhose."
A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
settle for a kiss."
The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
ADULTERY:
Putting yourself in someone else's position.
AI hackers do it robotically.
AI hackers do it with robots.
AMBITION:
An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
ANXIETY:
The first time you can't do it a second time.
PANIC:
The second time you can't do it the first time.
APL hackers take all they want.
ARKANSAS:
Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
Her figurehead They filled his ass,
A whore in bed, With broken glass,
Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcized the skipper.
The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
Once round the deck, They nailed her tits,
Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits,
And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table.
The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy,
And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy,
When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock,
And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock,
Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy!
Achilles' Biological Findings:
(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
-- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
love to men?"
"That's MY business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said. "A professional."
After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted
for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
"Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
"Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
"N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
"I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
"Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
"Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will
embarrass us.
"Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that
nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?"
"Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
sister."
A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said,
"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
"You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
"So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
find one at three in the morning?"
Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
"That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?"
"Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
down."
"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains
the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ,
a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.
All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons,
All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings,
All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom,
The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet,
All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid.
All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin?
The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
-- Monty Python
Always talk to your wife while you're
making love... if there's a phone handy.
America cannot be sold a can of beer without
being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
-- Julius Lester
An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before
officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san."
Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy."
When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
Bonsai!"
Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san!"
The prime minister turned to the Aggie and exclaimed, "What do you
mean, wrong hole?"
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
An Army travels on her stomach.
An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
said the the soldier.
"My name is Mary," said the woman.
"And mine is Joseph," said the man.
"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
"To Bethlehem."
"Your reason for going there?"
"To pay our taxes to the government."
"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
Ricans?"
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
And the northern lights commenced to glow.
And she said, with a tear in her eye,
"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
-- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her
companion.
"See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!"
Another stupid gay joke!!!
You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
Another nun joke!!!
You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
posh hotel.
"No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
a postcard?"
Apple owners do it with mice!
As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
than the average asshole on the street.
-- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over
the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
NOT my rectum!"
"Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
"I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
"Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
numbers on it!"
Australia's a lovely land
It's full of bonza blokes,
Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
Except in Pommie jokes.
Australians are lovely chaps
They're God's own chosen race.
If they ever see a fairy Pom
They'll smash him in the face.
Australians like dressing up
In skirts and having fun
And that's all we were doing
When the Vice Squad came along.
-- Monty Python
B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
BALTIMORE:
Where the women wear turtleneck
sweators to hide their flea collars.
BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
BEEF STROGANOFF:
A bull masturbating.
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
The single girl's motto.
BOHICA:
Bend over, here it comes again.
BRUNETTE BUSH:
The dark side of the moon.
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
Balls Law:
The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
too fast."
Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
For her life held no terrors.
A virgin born, a virgin died:
No hits, no runs, no errors.
Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
They buried him today,
He lived the life of Riley,
While Riley was away.
Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
friend asked him how it went.
"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
Bitch, bitch, bitch --
That's all I ever hear,
Ever since the dog ate the baby,
"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
Blow it out your ass!
Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
Held venal traffic with a gnu.
Mistaking fore for aft one morn
Impaled herself upon its horn.
Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun
our furred and feathered friends.
Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
calf they were sucking hind teat...
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
the front of the bus."
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The
latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
bunch of knuckles.
-- Harlan Ellison
But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
-- S.I. Hayakawa
CAD:
A man who doesn't tell his wife
that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
CHRISTIAN:
One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
-- Ambrose Bierce
CHRISTIAN:
One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
CINDERELLA 10:
A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
We'll be of the opposite sex.
Chorus:
Clone, clone of my own,
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when we're alone,
Since her mind is my own,
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
-- Randall Garrett
COCK-SUCKER:
Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
COITUS INTERRUPTUS:
A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
"I want to have your child."
COLD:
When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
COMPUTER PERSONALS:
SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English.
Have moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries
only. Discreet. Fortune Box 1910.
COMPUTERFIRM NYMPHOMANIAC:
Hot Apple pie.
CONFUSION:
Father's Day in San Francisco.
CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST:
A roll in bed with some honey.
COORS:
Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
CORPORATE VIRGIN:
A woman who's new to the firm.
COURAGE:
Two cannibals having oral sex.
COYOTE LOVE:
Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
chew off your arm at the shoulder.
Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
Said the rector, "My gracious,
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructued his
client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
a hole in the ground."
Chaste makes waste.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
Chorus:
I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
I don't want a bullet up me ass 'ole,
I don't want me pecker blown away,
I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
And fornicate me bloody life away!!
Monday I touched her on the ankle,
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
And Thursday I saw you know what,
Friday I put me hand upon it,
Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
And now she pays me forty quid a week!
Oh, blimey...
[chorus]
Christmas comes but once a year,
A time for love and laughter;
You can come much more than that,
But you have to clean up after.
Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead.
Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
Cocaine's a joke!
(Who's got the next line?)
Coito ergo sum
Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together.
Live as ascetically as possible... that is the only possible
way for me to endure marriage. But she?
-- Franz Kafka
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
Communists do it without class.
Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
Confucious say:
man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
boy who play with himself pulls boner.
woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Confucious say:
woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
man who fights with wife, gets not peace at night.
child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
turn out to be shiftless bastard.
Confucius say:
Man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Copa-ulation:
(to the tune of Copacabana)
Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
Won't you order one?
At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
But a real good time ...
Cox's philosophy:
Life's a bitch, then you die.
Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
DIAPHRAGM:
A childproof cap.
DICKER:
What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
DIVORCE:
A change of wife.
DYKE:
A woman who kick-starts her vibrator.
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!!
"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
"But this is different," protested her husband.
"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
Now tell me what our problem is."
"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
bastard child."
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
married?"
He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
I've always been especially fond of married women."
David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
Dear Abby:
I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was
a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my
sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother
is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very
much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
Sincerely,
Undecided.
Dear Abby:
I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I
think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember
from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do?
--Confused
Dear Confused:
If she coughs, fuck her.
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
This visage meek and humble,
And hear this confidential plea
Voiced in reverent mumble:
Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
-- Ansel Adams
Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make
him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
put one in whatever he's drinking."
Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped
up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
they were aspirin.
When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
"See that mosquito?" he replied.
Hear about...
the French soldier who kissed his wife's
cheeks before he went to the front?
Hear about...
the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
Hear about...
the nurse they thought had drowned
until they found her under the doc?
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
Do something big -- fuck a giant.
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
Do you smoke after sex?
Why, do you know, I've never looked!
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him?
-- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-- Bo Diddley
Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
Draft beer, not boys!
Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
-- Grace Slick
Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
EE's do it without shorts.
EMBARRASSMENT:
Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
Eat shit and die a virgin!
Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
1) Cucumbers can stay up all night,
and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
3) You won't find out later that your cucumber
...is married
...is on penicillin
...likes you -- but loves your brother!
4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"
The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
"Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
fail me."
FALSIE SALESMAN:
Fuller bust man.
FELT TIP:
Past tense for a breast examination!
FEMALE:
Life support system for a pussy.
FORNICATION:
Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
FUCKOFF:
The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full
of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
-- James Joyce
Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
She was a virgin tried and true
Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
There ain't nothin' she won't do!
Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
That's why caviar is my dish!
Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
He was a man of ninety-three
Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
He had chased her up a tree!
(chorus)
Fie for shame,
you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
Fig Newton.
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
town."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
"Oh, no, you're not."
"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
Floppy now, hard later.
For children, a woman.
For pleasure, a boy.
For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was
raised!
For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was
over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
sweetheart?"
He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
cocksucker!"
For the man who has everything ... penicillin IV.
Fortune's Guide to Movies:
G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The
moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
whispered,
"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad
so I can slip you nine inches?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
"You know, I really don't think you could get it up
three times in a row!"
Fuck art; let's dance!
Fuck off and die!
Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
GAY:
One who'd rather swish than fight.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
A girl into choral sex.
GREAT LOVER:
A man who can breathe through his ears.
Gross, adj.:
When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
Gross, adj.:
When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
slips you some tongue.
Gynecologist, n:
Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
Gardeners do it in raised beds.
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Because George still had the axe in his hand.
Getting an education at the University of California
is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand!
Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
Give me Librium or give me Meth.
Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment.
Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
God is a polythiest.
God is an atheist.
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
God is not dead -- he's been busted.
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
Grain grows best in shit.
-- U.K. LeGuin
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
HACKER:
A master byter.
HAGGIS:
Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf
or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed
and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and...
[Excuse me a minute. Ed.]
HAPPINESS:
Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
HENPECKED HUSBAND:
One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
HERMIT:
A man who'd rather get off by himself.
HERPES:
The final proof that 'tis better to
give than to receive. Much better.
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just
like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents
today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the
male or female edition.
HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right!
Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today!
HONOR:
Almost as good as in 'er.
HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and
be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
the keys.
HYPOCRITE:
A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
Hackers do it bottom-up.
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
Hackers do it with bugs.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema?
Handy hint:
A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
when you're out of tampons.
Hang gliders come down very slowly.
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference
between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses
his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
-- Tom Robbins
Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
a stretcher.
"But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
"Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good,
feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?"
Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
"Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either."
Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!"
Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President?
"I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."
-- Steven Moore
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-- R.E. Masters
He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
-- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
a pocket camera?
-- An Exciting Journey
He drank with curvy Mable,
The pace was fast and furious,
He slid beneath the table,
Not drunk but merely curious.
He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey
hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
"We've got her here, but only for the day."
The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided
that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
"Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching
a girl trying to make it with a dog.
"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really
great!"
The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here
a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
scared it'd get serious.
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor --
Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States.
It's the only job he's qualified for!
-- Michael Cain
He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
He: Am I... am I your first?
She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Hear about the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
Hear about the young lady raped in San Francisco?
By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
Hear the sad story of the Greek fisherman who got his upper torso
wedged into the porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
"Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
"Do it alone?"
"Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
"How would that help?"
"Used a whip."
Heisenberg may have done it.
"Hello, Police Department."
"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
"What's the matter, mister?"
"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
Hello, children!!
This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your own fortune. Hello.
Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** ** ******* *******
** ***** ********* **** ****** with a melon.
Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ********
and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun *** *****
**** ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.)
Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
He spent his life in a futile hunt,
To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
Here's to the girl that's sweet,
Here's to the girl that's true,
Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
the rest of the night?
Here's to the woman beautiful and devine
she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
-- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
Hey baby!
How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
Honest, officer, had I known my health was
in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette
secretary of her blonde companion.
"Fishing through the ice," she said.
"Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
"Olives."
How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle.
We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
-- John Valby
"How'd you get that flat?"
"Ran over a bottle."
"Didn't you see it?"
"Damn kid had it under his coat."
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
Did you hear about...
the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
A: BOING, BOING!!!
Did you hear about...
the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
His moment of sexual truth.
He'd expected to fall
On a womb's spongy wall
But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers.
Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
A: He couldn't help it.
Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
justified himself. "No no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and
turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
Women, can't live with them, can't leave
them by the curb when you're done with 'em.
Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
There was a young woman called Pearl
Who quite resembled a churl;
When she asked a young man named Tex
Whether he would like to have sex,
"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
Assassins do it from behind.
When in calling, plain speaking is out;
When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
-- Ogden Nash
Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his
window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so*
good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and
the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but
great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply,
"Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he
dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window,
Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
asshole! I'm in the West, now!"
If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
Yesterday is a memory,
Tomorrow is a vision,
Today is a bitch!
Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
like hours.
"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
and went back to where his companion was waiting.
"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife
and the other's my mistress!"
"I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back
before reaching the green.
"What's wrong?" Bill asked.
"Small world, isn't it?"
Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, but upon overhearing
the 22-year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for
her. The determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous
self-improvement program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran
five miles every day, lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet.
Within months, the rejuvenated old man won the young woman's heart, and she
agreed to marry him.
On the way out of the chapel, however, Haroled was fatally struck
by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How
could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
recognize you."
A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
"First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
-- Steve Martin
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
I came; I saw; I fucked up.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but
something about you pisses me off.
-- Peter Knight
I choked Linda Lovelace.
I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
and wallowing in its odor.
-- Salvador Dali
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof.
I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
-- W.C. Fields
I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet
scratching is one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
cows came home."
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You must have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
-- Ogden Nash
"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
it was enough to make a blown man cry."
I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
-- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
"All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
like twenty more gallons of water.
The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
bricks."
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-- Lyndon Johnson
I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
with his secretary. If it's someone else's secretary, fine.
-- Barry Goldwater
"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
"Oh, how can you tell?"
"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo."
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
-- Frank Zappa
I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
-- Firesign Theatre
I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up
and stuck it in my back."
"What did you do?"
"What *could* I do? I married his daughter."
I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
I wonder can she tell
That I've been raising hell;
Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
My wife is just as nice as can be,
I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
For an afternoon of joy,
Is hell on the old boy,
I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
-- R. Geis
Incest, n:
Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
Infatuation, n:
When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
I'd like to meet the man who invented
sex and see what he's working on now.
I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
If God had wanted people to give blow
jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
would He have made it look like a taco?
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
-- Tommy Earl Bruner
If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is
only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them
in 1966, only two went back to women.
-- Mort Sahl
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-- Art Hoppe
If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm glad that I'm an American,
I'm glad that I am free,
But I wish I were a little doggy,
And McGovern were a tree.
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
-- Groucho Marx
"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my way."
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
-- J.F. Kennedy
I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
I'm getting WARM....
I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!
Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
-- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
In France they piss on Main Street
(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
-- Joni Mitchell
In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
sucked into it.
In days of old, when knights were bold,
And rubbers weren't invented,
They tied their socks around their cocks
And babies were prevented.
In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
Was the first time I ever laid down,
I was both proud and shy
As he opened his fly
And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
As it went in I made not a sound,
The more that he shoved it
The more that I loved it,
As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
In my sweet little night gown of blue,
On the first night that I slept with you,
I was both shy and scared
As the bed was prepared,
And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
As we both watched the break of day,
And in peaceful submission I lay,
You said you adored it
But dammit, you tore it,
My sweet little night gown of blue.
In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form.
And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto
their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all
evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning
the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her
bed watching him. Finally, she said softly,
"Didn't you forget something?"
"What did I forget?" asked the officer.
"You forgot about the money," said the lady.
"Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
"A Polish officer never accepts money."
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.
I asked as I tickled her tit
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
She said it would do
So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree
In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me.
In the soft dewy grass
I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass
As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see.
Her ass it was fine
But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
Especially in a paternity hearing.
It takes leather balls to play rugby.
(Blood makes the grass grow!)
It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
They can kiss that shit goodbye.
It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on
the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
"Tell us a story," begged Mary.
"Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?"
"Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting
excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse
off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and
jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all
your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape
really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to
the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
"We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
answered sternly.
"OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman
at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would
you like?"
"Vinegar and water."
It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
they beautiful?"
"Just fair," was the answer.
"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
asked his opinion.
"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
about."
"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now
you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs,
I'm a tit mouse myself."
It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful
dream!"
Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again
and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another
sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
wife."
"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
you will!"
It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on
their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been
married three times."
"Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman,
and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one
of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the
third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
would be up in 15 minutes.
It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
"Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
country there's only one."
"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
that?"
"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking
upperclassman, he inquired,
"Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
"My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
sentences with a preposition."
"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
is at, asshole?"
It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
of older women versus younger women
"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
It's the sighs that count.
I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the
gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The
four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs.
Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can.
Sincerely,
Santa
I've finally found the perfect girl,
I couldn't ask for more,
She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
And owns a liquor store.
Jack an Jill went up the hill.
Jill went down,
Jack came.
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill
And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her,
Then went down and told the town
He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
Jack to Jill thus did such ill
That Jill, to pay the rotter,
Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill
When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter.
Half the town deals Jill a frown
And half greets Jack with laughter.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two and a half --
And you thought that they went for water.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candle stick,
And burnt his balls.
Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
Her voice was little more than a whisper.
"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
John Birch Society:
That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
-- Edward P. Morgan
Kasha, n:
Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?
I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you
much.
Knowledge Engineering:
A combination of:
Engineering, n:
The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
and
Knowledge, n:
Sexual intercourse.
See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
Kotex, n:
Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
Kumquat, n:
Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact,
an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
during orgasm.
Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As
for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
-- Margaret Sangor
Labia majora, n:
The curly gates.
LAGNAF:
Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
Lawyer, n:
Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
closely."
LEPROSY
Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?
Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
Oh why did I get syphillis?
Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
-- To the tune of "Yesterday"
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for
employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are
prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
Lucky, adj:
When you have a wife and a cigarette
lighter -- both of which work.
Luser, n:
Someone who picks up a female
hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
Lawyers do it to everyone.
Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
-- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
Lisp hackers
... do it in CARS.
... do it with tail recursion.
... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
... have DEFUN while doing it.
... have to be bound to do it.
... have Moby dicks.
Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother
told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra
hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next
morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
the night before.
"Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
"Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
your prayers have been answered."
Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
"Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
"I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
Little Johnny with a grin,
Drank up all of daddy's gin,
Mother said, when he was plastered,
Go to bed, you little love-child.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
And bit her right in the snatch.
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
-- James Thurber
Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
Macho, adj:
Jogging home from a vasectomy.
Male, n:
Life support system for a cock.
Marriage, n:
The evil aye.
Menage a trois, n:
Using both hands to masturbate.
Meteorologist, n:
A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
Missionary position:
The missionary on top.
Mistress, n:
Something between a mister and a mattress.
Montana:
Where men are men and women are sheep.
Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
Man who dance in crowded ballroom
dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
But she can never catch him at it.
Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
Many nice things suck.
Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
And every time she let it out,
The bulldog used to
Chase it around the garden.
Mary had a little sheep,
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.
Mary had a little watch;
She swallowed it one day.
And so she took some Ex-Lax
To pass the time away.
But when she took the Ex-Lax
The time it did not pass.
So when you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary's ...
Uncle, he has a watch, too.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
-- Woody Allen
Mathematicians
... do it in groups.
... do it in theory.
... take it to the limit.
Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but they
jus' kept on a-comin'. And, as the U.S. fourth Calvary mounted the hill,
Tonto, cleverly disguised as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets
with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
Mickey : Oh?
Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
fuckin' Goofy.
Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
And one fucked-up petunia.
Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few
blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house.
His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
for breakfast tomorrow."
Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
Moustache rides, 50 cents.
Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one
problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him
time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him
that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
tonight. Now, don't you dare move."
Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to
the door.
Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
be shared."
But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
with prawns,
Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.
He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.
My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
back and dig her up.
My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
a girl should not do before twenty."
"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
audience, either."
My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
Navel, n:
A place to stash your gum on the way down.
Necrophilia, n:
Dropping in for a cold one.
NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
our "Big John" doll.)
New York:
Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
NEWSFLASH!!
Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
It was. Age 31.
Nothing, n:
A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire
naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
-- Lewis Carroll
Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based
on a resume written by a professional liar?
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
it's the asshole of the universe.
-- Jonathan Michael Smith
Nice computers don't go down.
Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
so the lid won't stay up.
2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
or speculate about your next one.
7: A taco will never make a scene because
there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
8: It's easy to drop a taco.
9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
OLD FELLA RED CLARET
Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the
slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
Oral sex, n:
The taste of things to come.
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
That got run over with my mower.
One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
It landed by the kitchen door.
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
that ain't gonna walk no more...
-- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
Oh John, let's not park here.
Oh John, let's not park.
Oh John, let's not.
Oh John, let's.
Oh John.
Oh.
Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cubbard,
To get her poor doggie a bone.
But when she stooped over,
Old Rover, he drove her.
You see, he had a bone of his own.
On Brassieres:
Russian: Uplifts the masses.
Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
American: Makes mountains out of molehills.
On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find
a man making love to the corpse.
"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
that woman is dead!"
"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
"I thought she was an American!"
Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go
to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
gonna back to Italy.
Once upon a girl there was a time...
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When
she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
down."
So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and
somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious
enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said,
"Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly
and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
all his might.
"Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
sleeping in my bed!"
And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
Finally the office boy was brought in.
"I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been
playing around with my secretary?"
"N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything
like that, sir."
"All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
little dog.
What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over,
he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
"Blossom," she replied.
"What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your
parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
"Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She
thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and
walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he
inquired.
"Porky," was the child's reply.
Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
"Because he likes to fuck pigs."
One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
just jumped out with my knapsack."
One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car,
he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
Two weeks later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating
the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you
with my car once, remember?"
"Course I'll help you, little feller," roared the lion. "I'll just
lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
"Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes
to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need
to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
call a doctor.
"There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
much hope."
Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?"
"George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM."
With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying
various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
all of its field strength.
Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her
solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
each others fuses.
-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable
testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking,
"What trip?"
One should be cherry of virgins.
One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
"Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an
instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back
into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
"Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost
dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday,
grandpa.", he remarks.
"Yep, I know. This is from your grandma."
One who does not know a burro from a burrow
does not know his ass from a hole in the ground!
Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
Operators mount anything!
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one,
but nobody wants to look at the other guy's.
-- Hal Hickman
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
and I will lead you to the promised land."
Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
PENIS ENVY:
The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
PHILADELPHIA FLYING FUCK:
Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
him orally.
[Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if
you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.]
PLAYGIRL, Inc.
Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
Dear Sir:
Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
us.
Sympathetically,
Amanda L. Smith
p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
POCKET POOL:
Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
For girls, it's playing the slots.
POLISH FLY:
You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
PREMATURE EJACULATOR:
Troubled shooter.
PUBIC HAIR:
Organic dental floss.
Painters do it with even strokes.
Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
People who write position papers often find themselves in an
enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
position.
A good position paper will have many words in it like
"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
semicolon.
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
Physicists do it with charm.
Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
Politicians do it to everyone.
Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex.
Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing.
Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex.
Pouring out his troubles to his great and good friend over a couple of
triple martinis, Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well
at home. "My wife and I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying
to Bart. "I hate to admit it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to
make her happy."
"Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me
give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell
your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
bottom window."
"Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
"Just whistle."
"Whistle?"
"That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear
you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Prostitution is the only business where you
can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
And other kosher stuff.
Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
Q. Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
A. He's the only one with a duck.
Q. Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
A. He's the only one who bets on the duck.
Q. And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
A. The duck wins!
Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
A: Real men don't care.
Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
A: By the stiff upper lip.
Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
A: Who cares?
Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: She answered the iron.
Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
A: They called back.
Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
A: Cusinart.
Q: How do you get them back out?
A: Doritos.
Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
A: Propose.
Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No -- so it must work pretty well!
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries!!!
Q: How do you know your elephant had her period?
A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
Q: How do you tell if two elephants have
been making love in your backyard?
A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse,
a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this
over and over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth
and nose, and breath normally."
Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
A: When his cock tastes like shit.
Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
A: It isn't hard.
Q: How does a mink get babies?
A: The same way babies get minks.
Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: NONE! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!!
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take
to screw in a light bulb in San Fransisco?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying
it was without a man.
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess,
what would Cheetah have been?
A: A fur coat.
Q: What can you use used tampons for?
A: Tea bags for vampires.
Q: What did Raggedy Anne say to Pinocchio as she was
sitting on his face?
A: Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!
Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons?
A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so
many cases of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their
ewes has been discouraged.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Sheep don't have strings.
Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
A: A transistor.
Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A: Toys for twats.
Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a
golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
A: Darling.
[Often? Ed.]
Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
A: Parents.
Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
A: A computer that won't go down on you.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
your eyes...
Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise?
Q: What goes green, red, green, red, green, red, pink?
A: A frog in a blender.
Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak.
Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: Half a nun.
Q: What is green and comes in Brownies?
A: Boy Scouts.
Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
A: Snowballs!
Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
Q: What's a WASPs idea of open-mindedness?
A: Dating a Canadian.
Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
revolving doors?
A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A: A corpse.
Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A: Chewing gum.
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts.
Q: What's red and has 7 dents?
A: Snow White's cherry.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About four drinks.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
A: The weekend never comes too soon.
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
A: Not everyone's been in a fast car.
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky is when you use the whole bird...
Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
A: It stays dark all night.
Q: What's the difference between your girlfriend and the Titanic?
A: Only 1100 men went down on the Titanic.
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a
grasshopper's mind when he hits your windshield?
A: His ass.
Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go
through a grasshopper's mind when he hits your windshield?
A. Oh, SHIT!!
Q: What's white and crawls up your leg?
A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
A: To the batpoles, Robin!
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep.
Q: Where'd your girlfriend get those crow's feet?
A: From squinting and saying, "Suck what!?"
Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
A: Because she's dead.
Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
Q: Why did God invent booze?
A: So ugly men could get laid too.
Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
A: She'd never been taught to say no.
Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A: To impress Jodie Foster.
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
Jo Kopechne drowned?
A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts?
A: Because they can.
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest firest.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: Why do men marry women?
A: You can't teach sheep to do housework.
Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
A: Very few of them know how to dance!
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
A: So you can watch the expression on its face.
Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
A: Because 8 inches isn't enough.
Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
RANDEL:
A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
apology for farting at a friend.
-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual,
Obscure & Preposterous Words
REAL BUDDY:
Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs,
and come back and give you one.
REFORMED:
A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
REJECTION:
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
ROWING:
Eight big men and their cute little cox.
RUGBY:
A sport requiring leather balls.
Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy.
Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!!
Reach out and fuck someone.
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
On a bad trip
When the cops come
When I lose my head
I simply take more of my favorite drugs
And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
-- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things"
Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
champagne is the best tenderizer.
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking
pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
the other.
-- Jules Feiffer
Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
SMALL:
Is it in yet?
SPINSTER:
Unlusted number.
SUCCESSFUL CUNNILINGUS:
When you wake up the next morning
with a face like a frosted doughnut.
SUGAR DADDY:
A man who can afford to raise cain.
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
Let V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let P be a constant persuasion;
"Let V over P be inverted
With the square root of Mu inserted
N times into V ...
The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
the ashtray."
Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
immensely profitable years in the construction business.
"You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
am I known as Sam the Builder? No.
And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
Sam the Philanthropist? No sir!
But suck one little cock..."
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
Save a forest - eat a beaver!
Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
Save the whales. Club a seal instead.
"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
Sex and drugs and UNIX.
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
Is all my brain and body need.
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
Are very good indeed.
Take your silly ways,
Throw them out the window,
The wisdom of your ways,
I've been there and I know,
Lots of other ways...
-- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
Sex is great,
Sex is grand,
Sex around here,
Is mostly by hand.
Sex is just one damp thing after another.
Sex is like a bridge game --
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Sex is what women have and men want.
Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
Let your pal be your guide.
And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
'cause it digs up your hat,
or has sex with your cat,
sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
She asked me if I loved her still.
"Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way."
She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
-- Dorothy Parker
She hates testicles, thus limiting the men
she can admire to Democratic candidates for president.
-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
She never liked zippers, she said,
Until she opened one in bed.
She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and
unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
her on the top step.
"How dare you?" she demanded.
"Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
second time I thought we'd become good friends."
She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
prick."
"Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I
assure you, that's a wee-wee."
Sixteen'll get you twenty.
Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted?
Snow White:
"Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting seven inches...
but not an inch at a time!
So, how's your love life?
Still holding your own?
So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
-- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation
has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week
and we've got no money left for food."
"Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
"Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
You're going to have to go out and hustle."
"Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?"
"It's the only way," he said.
Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came
staggering in early the next morning.
"How did you do?" asked the husband.
"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
"Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?"
"Everybody," she said.
So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
Polacks who --"
"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
The salesman thought for a moment.
"That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
So you fucked up... you trusted us!
-- Animal House
Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
-- Hair
Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
Some women are like musical glasses.
To keep them in tune they must be wet.
-- Samuel Coleridge
Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
-- Risky Business
Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
Faculty members especially welcome.
Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
Statisticians probably do it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
-- James P. Hogan
Support the Girl Scouts!
(Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
TAXIDERMIST:
A man who mounts animals.
TEAR LEATHER:
To become excited, as in the sentence
"Robin Hood tore his leather jerkin' off."
TEARING OFF A QUICKY:
Gunning the jump.
TEXAN:
A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
THE PERFECT WOMAN:
Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest your drink.
THORNY:
A thailor at thea.
TOURIST:
A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
TRUST ME:
Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother,
and the horse she rode in on."
TRUST:
Two cannibals having oral sex.
Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond!
Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
Take two at the very most.
Take three and you're under the table,
Take four and you're under the host.
Test makers do it:
A: sometimes
B: always
C: never
That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
"So?"
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
-- New Libertarian Notes, #19
The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
"I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
still in."
The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops
for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
"Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"
The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
The Snack
Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
And am I not the master of my own?
Nothing to eat?
What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
-- L.L. Zeiger
The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
nine. Candles out at ten."
The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening,
when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly,
the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my
slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command.
Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let
me catch you wearing my things again."
The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
The blacksmith told me before he died,
And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
That no matter how he tried,
His wife was never satisfied!
And so he built a bloody great wheel,
Harnessed to a cock of steel,
Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
In and out went the cock of steel,
Till at last the maiden cried,
"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
And now we come to the crucial bit --
There was no way of stopping it.
And she was split from hole to hole,
And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
"Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
-- Sidney J. Hurtubise
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
The computer is the ultimate polluter:
Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
The country girl who became a city madam
has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
but not much good in a fight."
The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
sees nothing but goyim..."
"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
you got problems. What about my son?"
The difference between a lawyer and a rooster, is that
the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
The difference between like and love is the
same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
The difference between this school and a cactus plant
is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
The difference between women and girls
is as much as twenty years in some states.
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
from women."
"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
second best?"
The early worm gets the bird.
The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the
fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered
a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
"What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
"Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
top panted.
"You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
the captain yelled.
"I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied.
The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch".
"What happened?"
"Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
The girls that go to see a man's etchings
may not know art, but they know what they like.
The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured
their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to
woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?"
The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said,
"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that
hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the
woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
The greatest lies of all time:
(1) I love you.
(2) This won't hurt a bit.
(3) The Mercedes is paid for.
(4) The check is in the mail.
(5) I was just going to call you.
(6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
(7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
(8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
(9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
(10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
-- The morning after note reads:
Whiting, Barbara:
I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute
I wanted to byte your ear.
-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
-- The last straw:
Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
program and shows up an hour late.
You Don't...:
Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
You Do...:
Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
indicate a malfunction.
The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
"That's two," he said.
Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
shot the horse between the eyes.
"You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
"Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
time?"
The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
lovemaking.
"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
even if it's right inside the front door."
At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?"
the consultant asked.
"Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
absolutely wild!"
The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment,
however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his
bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed.
An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!"
The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
account of the wedding night's progress.
"It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100
gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws
has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time
resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
Fact is, I rather like it."
The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
a baby brother."
"Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
puppy."
The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor
were delivered in a welter of tears.
"Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't
see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
(blubber,blubber)!"
"Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
"and would you care to have them mounted?"
"Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends."
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
The moving finger having writ... gestures.
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you
be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb
to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately
upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I
want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the
roost with my blessings."
The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only
a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again
took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
maintained a formidable lead.
Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
"What IS your name?"
The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
"Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
"Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
The penis mightier than the sword.
The pleasure is momentary,
The position ridiculous,
The expense damnable.
-- Chesterfield, on sex
The plural of spouse is spice.
-- R.A. Heinlein
The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private
secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his
private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the
third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me
into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
dollars. That's when he jumped out the window."
The poor little doe
Crawled out of the woods,
Tired, bedraggled and blue.
"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
I should have asked for two!"
The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he
noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
"Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
What is a blow job?"
Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
The problem with being best man at a wedding
is that you never get a chance to prove it.
The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
how is Brown going to get to Washington?
The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
The rich man uses vaseline,
The poor man uses lard;
The worker uses axle grease
But gets it twice as hard.
The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was
certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
"Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
"There certainly is," she agreed.
"Some really bright stars in the sky."
She nodded.
"Some dew on the grass."
"Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said...
"It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
-- Diana Rigg
The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
He fucks her.
She bites his head off.
-- From a Women's Lib Poster
The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing
the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he
inquired.
The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly,
And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway,
To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting
And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day.
My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully
With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread,
I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window
Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head.
-- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They
were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late,
called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
"By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
"Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many
customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and
coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled
herself for a few moments and then snapped,
"I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
"So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
"I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
said.
"I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The
youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
nature. The bully!"
"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
"Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
The whole world is about three drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart
The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'. This is true in
almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have
attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in
silly puns about "standing erect".
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
"Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
"Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
last weekend."
"I'm not suprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
The young lady had an unusual list,
Linked in part to a structural weakness.
She set no preconditions.
The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was
almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually
ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went
for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight
guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
Then there was the girl who was engaged
to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses.
Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he
went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on
well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American
dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so
they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to of the
nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
"See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got
for your lousy fifty bucks."
There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred,
there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great,
there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted,
I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate.
I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted,
And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good.
And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed,
They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood.
You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs,
You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground.
You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found.
...Because...
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful,
spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine.
but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies,
semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine.
-- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-- Gloria Steinem
There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The
president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little
test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests
in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the
promotion? The one with the big tits!
There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
from sex for thirty days.
Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
the first couple if they passed the test.
"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
to her right there."
"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
the Church after something like that."
"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
into Safeway anymore either."
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many.
There is nothing as overrated as a bad
lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.
Boring your friends about it is the sin.
-- Mama Liz
There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass
And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.
Where seagulls flew over their nest.
She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.
And caused her to tickle and itch.
The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.
A sittin' out there on the rocks."
The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.
And crowded four deep to the rail.
All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.
...
"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.
And soon we will certainly find
If mermaids are better before or be... brave
My dear fellows," The captain cried out.
And cursing with spleen.
This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.
-- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt
There once was a clergyman's daughter
Who detested the pony he bought her,
Till she found that its dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her.
She married a fellow named Tony
Who soon found her fucking the pony.
Said he, "What's it got,
My dear, that I've not?"
Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
There once was a young man from France
Who waited ten years for his chance;
Then he muffed it...
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
h
i
s
.
There was a young fellow named Fyfe
Whose marriage was ruined for life,
For he had an aversion
To every perversion,
And only liked fucking his wife.
Well, one year the poor woman struck,
And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
And said, "Where have you gotten us
With your goddamn monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?
"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
And a versatile girl she was, too.
After ten years of whoredom
She perished of boredom
When she married a jackass like you!"
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
At a quarter to nine,
They sat down to dine,
At twenty to ten it was in her.
The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
At a quarter to nine,
They sat down to dine,
And at twenty to ten it was up her.
Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
There was a young fellow of Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
He had such a tool
It was wound on a spool,
And he reeled it out inich by inich.
But this tale has an unhappy finich,
For due to the sand in the spinach
His ballocks grew rough
And wrecked his wife's muff,
And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
There was a young girl from New York
Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
A woodpecker or two
Made the grade it is true,
But it totally baffled the stork.
Till along came a man who presented
A tool that was strangely indented.
With a dizzying twirl
He punctured that girl,
And thus was the cork-screw invented.
There was a young girl of Detroit
Who at fucking was very adroit:
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin-point, or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.
And she had a friend named Durand
Whose cock could contract or expand.
He could diddle a midge
Or the arch of a bridge --
Their performance together was grand!
There was a young girl of LLewellyn
Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
They were big it is true,
But her cunt was big too,
Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
There was a young harlot named Schwartz
Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
And they tickled so nice
She drew a high price
From the studs at the summer resorts.
Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
For according to rumor
His tool had a tumor
And a fine row of warts down the middle.
There was a young lady from Munich
Who had an affair with a eunuch.
At the height of their passion
He dealt her a ration
There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."
There was a young fellow named Locke
Who was born with a two-headed cock.
When he'd fondle the thing
It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
But whether these two ever met
Has not been recorded as yet,
Still, it would be diverting
To see him inserting
His whang while it sang a duet.
There was a young man with a fiddle
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
She replied, "Yes, I do,
But prefer to with two --
It's twice as much fun in the middle."
There was a young man with a prick
Which into his wife he would stick
Every morning and night
If it stood up all right --
Not a very remarkable trick.
His wife had a nice little cunt:
It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
And with this she would fuck him,
Though sometimes she'd suck him --
A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.
Said another young woman of Croft,
Amusing herself in the loft,
"A salami or wurst
Is what I'd choose first --
With bologna you know you've been boffed."
There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
load!"
There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them
the following pitch.
"Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?"
At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a
toothbrush?"
There was something about her I liked,
but I couldn't put my finger on it.
There's a vas deferens between men and women.
There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
Way #27 -- Use an electric sander.
Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
Way #33 -- A bicycle pump.
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex?
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
-- Billy Joel
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
-- David Mairowitz
These two project managers were walking through a residential area
one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
-- I wish I could do that!"
Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
come on over to the clinic."
"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
on a top hat, and come on over."
The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
the shit hit the fan?"
This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
being so helpless.
"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
<sniffle>"
So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
away feeling wonderful.
Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks
the patient a week later.
"I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the
good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
"My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
"Do you always jog in the nude?"
"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
"Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
"Do you always wear a condom?"
"Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains."
This here's the wattle
The emblem of our land
You can stick it in a bottle
Or you can hold it in your hand.
-- Monty Python
This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He
obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging
off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
"What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
"Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
"Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system.
If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it!
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.
So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words.
Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
Di-dah di-dah di-dah?
Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night,
the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it
off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his
mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning.
During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his
prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing
a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying
dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
Thought:
Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
over in their tight pants.
"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little
costumes, and think of the holds."
"Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be
pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
Three girls and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
The girls had been arrested for soliciting and the man was arrested for
selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
asked, pointing at the first girl.
"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
"Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
"Your honor, I'm an actress."
"Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
you?" he demanded.
"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
laid off."
"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
for a living?"
"Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
-- Gore Vidal
Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang.
-- An American astronaut
Too ripped. Gotta go.
Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
just before I came back to the States!"
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
Two anglers were fishing off Wight
And his bobber was dipping all night.
Murmured she, with a laugh,
"It's ready to gaff,
But don't break your rod which is light."
A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
And said, "Bother the fish!
I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.
As two consular clerks in Madras
Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
"What a marvelous pole,"
Said she, "but control
Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
shum money from my wife."
The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
affect the husband.
"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
asked.
"Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
"The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
to be able to settle out of court."
Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
"Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
"No, old man, what about him?"
"Last seen in Africa, you know."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love."
"Queer."
"Not Chumley. Female gorilla."
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
has cut me down to just once a week."
"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
two guys she's cut off altogether.
Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island -
Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she
had been doing, she committed suicide.
Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
had been doing, they buried her.
Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
had been doing, they dug her back up.
Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
do that."
The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
ought to get to know him a little first."
Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply
was no.
The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin'
your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head.
At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
this ungodly hour?"
The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
watch."
He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
3 in the morning to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the
nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother
superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her
strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
what he does!"
To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?"
one asked his companion.
"I don't know."
"Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
American foods."
So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young
men remarked to his friend,
"Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
good for a man's virility?"
"Yes, why?" the friend replied.
"Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a
dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
Unitarian, n:
A bunch of athiests who really like going to church.
Unix programmers do it with pipes.
Vagina, n:
The box a penis comes in.
Vd, n:
The gift that keeps on giving.
Virgin, n:
An ugly third grader.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
which takes but one prick to break.
-- Jordan Sand
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
in unusual sex practices?"
"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
queer."
Wasp, n:
Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
Wet dream, n:
Overnight sensation.
SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
Watch out for cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
-- James Watt, noted ecologist
We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs
with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's
called civilization and its discontents.
-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible
roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was
screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses. "Never mind,"
I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning those
bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,
I hope they comin' for me!
And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,
I hope they doin' it for free!
They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!
First time that I got it I was just ten years old,
Got it from the kitty next door...
I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,
I think I got it some more!
Got a bad scratch fever...
-- T. Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.
Everybody, everbody's ass was bare,
No bras left, just a queer over there.
But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.
My baby's not a sports fan,
But she plays with balls whenever she can.
'Cause her favorite sport you see,
Is playing tonsil hockey.
[chorus]
Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
-- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
Excitable boy, they all said!
Well, he's just an excitable boy.
He took Sally Tompkins to the junior prom,
Excitable boy, they all said!
Then he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
Excitable boy, they all said!
Well, he's just an excitable boy.
After ten long years, they let him out of the home
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he dug up her grave, made a cage of her bones,
Excitable boy, they all said!
Well, he's just an excitable boy.
-- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked
her twice and slapped her.
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people know is that the
poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, saying
"I don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According
to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.
What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
What the fuck, over?
What this department needs is a really good inflatible doll.
What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
Doo-doo, doo-doo.
-- Foghorn Leghorn
When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs
she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the end of his knob turns blue;
When it's bent in the middle like a broken fiddle,
He can tell a tale or two.
So find me a seat and stand me a drink
And a tale to you I'll tell
Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete When Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete
And the gentle Eskimo Nell. Go out in search of fun,
It's usually Dick who wields the prick
And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete And Mexico Pete the gun.
Are sore, depressed, and mad,
'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt There was rarely a day without a lay
So the shooting ain't so bad. And usually two or three
For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick
Was always like a tree.
-- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus:
In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man,
Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man,
Well, the men don't know,
They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand.
shot full of holes,
Nurse try to save a soul.
Killed her for murder first degree,
Judge what tried let the man go free.
Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
-- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally
honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking
Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
"I've got to lay you or Jack off."
"Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache."
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by
a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
When she hauled ass, it took three trips.
When the candles are out all women are fair.
-- Plutarch
When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
-- Old Jewish saying
[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.]
When you and I are far apart
Can sorrow break your tender heart?
I love you darling, yes I do;
Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
All you are is a blossoming rose.
Night is here so I must close.
With care read the first word of each line.
You will find a question of mine.
-- Yours hopefully, The VAX.
Which of the following doesn't belong?
a. meat
b. eggs
c. drum
d. blowjob.
Answer:
d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the
executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection.
Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
mixed-up son of a bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens,
ten men are scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
-- Boccaccio
While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
In thought on this and that,
A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit!
Why didst thou feel that my best hat
"Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?"
And brings joy to my heart.
But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang,
Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me,
For thy hat I thought was my nest,
I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree."
His words to better mull,
Then lifted up a paving block
And crushed his fucking skull.
-- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with
him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and
only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
girl with languorous eyes.
"Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
"Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
just go wild."
While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
an explanation. She told him the whole story.
"Hmmm," mused the captian. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
night?" demanded the irate mother.
"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
"We did."
Q: Why do women love Pacman?
A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their
reconciliation. Seems that when she left, she took his word
processor, and she's been renting it out occasionally in Japan.
That is, every now and then she gets a yen for his Wang.
Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
-- G. Gordon Liddy
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for
the rest of them then she isn't good enough for you.
Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
William with a thirst for gore,
Nailed the baby to the door.
Mother said, with humor quaint:
"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint."
-- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
"I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
"I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
"Okay. It's your wife."
"My wife!!"
"Yeah."
"What about her?"
Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
-- Mort Sahl
Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in
a dark suit; you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
Working here is like a pregnancy.
After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
Writers do it between periods.
You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.
Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!
You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
You can get used to living at a nudist camp.
The first three days are the hardest.
-- R. Dreiser
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose;
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest
of your life trying to get back inside.
-- Heathcote Williams
You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister.
You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
You play ball with us, and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
You see that fucking fish?
If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught.
-- Sam Giancana
You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
up in the bar last night?"
"Uh-huh.", the elephant replies.
"Did I bring you home?"
"Uh-huh."
"Did we, uh, fool around?"
"Uh-huh."
"Lord, I must have been tight!"
"Not any more."
You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
You wanna play the dozens,
Well, the dozens is a game,
But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
-- George Carlin
You'll be a guest at a gay party.
That will have important consequences for you.
Young men want to be faithful and are not;
old men want to be faithless and cannot.
-- Oscar Wilde
She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
Your spooning days are over,
And your pilot light is out;
When what used to be your sex appeal
Is now your water spout!
Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
If they can, then fuck 'em.
Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
are scared and the women are grateful.
Horny, adj:
When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black.
Will there be anything else?"
Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque
sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
it's time to spend a night in town.
San Francisco is my kind of city,
Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
I really must beg your pardon,
But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
From beating my meat, against the seat,
Of a bicycle built for two.
-- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
Love comes in spurts.
--Devo, "Please Please"
Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
than fried chicken, is it?"
Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
finest I've ever had."
-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
-- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: How do you make them the same?
A: Force feed the elephant.
You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already.
Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy.
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
your coffee. You:
(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
"In" basket.
(d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
Necrophelia, n:
Dead boring.
Incest, n:
Relatively boring.
Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider who sat down beside her,
And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece as white as snow.
It followed her to school one day,
And got fucked by a big black dog.
When you're lying on the bed,
And the thought is in your head,
But the feeling is way down between your legs,
Take your problem in your hand,
And beat it to the band,
And try your best to keep it off the walls.
Don't let your lover tell you,
Don't let anybody sell you,
That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
For I've rid myself of fears,
(I've been doing it for years)
And now I have an erection all the time.
As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest
issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
simply marvelous."
I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?"
And she replied, "A Stetson."
It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
Corp. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he said, "He's not been very well brought
up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
"No."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came
running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
white cow!"
The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just
say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little
while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
When things go wrong as they usually will,
And your daily road seems all uphill,
When funds are low and debts are high,
When you try to smile, but can only cry --
And you really feel you'd like to quit,
Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
Santa," she begs.
He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
you know."
She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay Santa," she begs.
Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
The three sexual positions during preganancy.
During the first four months: Missionary style
During the second four months: Doggie style
And during the last month: Coyote style
Coyote style?
You sit by the hole and howl.
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
6 beers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
are lovers."
Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone in
your family like pussy?"
"Yeah. Me and my sister."
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
Just gave birth to another Texan.
A college jock was dating a jockette; both were simple, direct, and
physical types, and not much talking was done on the dates. Not much action
either, and one night the jock decided the time had come. When they got back
to his place, he jumped her and they had a terrific tussle, wrestling back and
forth, and the jock had a great deal of difficulty in getting his penis
inserted. He pushed and shoved, and for a while all that happened was that
the girl's legs waved and thrashed about in the air. Finally he got it in and
they finished. Afterward he said, "Gee, if I'd known you were a virgin,
I'd have taken it a little easier."
The girl replied, "That's OK -- if I'd known we were going to fuck
I wouldn't have worn pantyhose."
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread
you have, the less shit you have to eat.
He: So, what do you say to little fuck?
She: I say, "get lost, little fuck."
There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
"You get laid today, Billy?"
"Yeah, Dad."
"How was it?"
"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
"Good Boy!".
A month later: "You get laid today?"
"No, Dad."
"No? How come?"
"Gee, Dad, my ass was really sore."
Hear about...
the new rule at the girls' school?
Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
Hear about...
the girl who called her boyfriend
Courvoisier, 'cause he was such a sweet liquor?
Hear about...
the drunken midget who walked into a home for
girls and kissed everybody in the joint?
Hear about...
the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
Hear about...
the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
without getting any mail in her box?
Hear about...
the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
it makes men cocky and women lay better?
She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
Hear about...
the french soldier who kisses both his wife's cheeks before
he went to the front?
Hear about...
the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
Hear about...
The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
her between the limbs?
Hear about...
the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
Hear about...
the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap,
crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
Hear about...
the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
single bars? It's called Bang Americard.
Hear about...
the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
Hear about...
the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
Hear about...
the ultimate in singles bars? It's a place where girls have
to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted.
Hear about...
the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
she's a wonderful mount?
Hear about...
the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
Hear about...
the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
Hear about...
the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
he'd never be able to face his girl again?
Hear about...
the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
Hear about...
the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
a lot more than letters behind the files?
Hear about...
the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
demanded a salary on next week's advance?
Hear about...
the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
feel like a new man?
Hear about...
the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia? His patients didn't
get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
Hear about...
the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
which end it will be.
Hear about...
the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
go up on him?
Hear about...
the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk
and they eat each other.
Hear about...
the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just
kind of lost his ball bearings.
Hear about...
the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
Hear about...
the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
Hear about...
the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book.
We understand that the vote on a bill to
legalize bisexuality could go either way.
Hear about...
one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
Hear about...
the loner who gave up his solitary vice for
Lent? Except on Palm Sunday, of course.
Hear about...
the high school drum major who dated two of the
majorettes and so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
He was born in Palestine
Has anybody seen my Lord?
He's so cool, he's so fine
Eat his bread and drink his wine
Has anybody seen my Lord?
He's so neat, he's so cool,
Walks across my swimming pool.
Has anybody...
Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
A: She has a mouthful of feathers.
He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
The two things that you should never lend out are your car
or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
SUBPOENA:
From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
Couples in motion have moments.
"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
Jewish men?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
I don't know why women get so upset,
they have half the money and all the pussy.
-- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
You will always have friends
Some friends will peter out.
But I'll always be your friend,
Peter in or peter out.
Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
She has the box the cherry came in.
Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
She makes things stand that have no feet.
If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the
lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon-
light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires.
She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the
barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent
she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his
father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling,
uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signalled her eagerness,
spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and
again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His
mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
"Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes
burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke.
"Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high.
A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
your dog, here, talk!"
"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People
know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your
soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What
limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
in their own movie, let alone direct it.
-- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
A: They're just pussy substitutes!
Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
shout, too):
"I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
"I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
"I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer;
to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer
orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time,
the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
all your beer and spit it in my face?"
"Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most
beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that
they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special
place an reported to God what he'd noticed.
God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
will create your mate."
So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering
the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
"God?"
"Yes, Adam, what now?"
"God, what's a headache?"
Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time.
That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When
he got back, he was a husky fucker.
The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the
woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
"Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
"Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
Q: What is Smoorplay?
A: What Smurfs do before they smuck!
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt
so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of
a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
Why not? Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt
blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
of cholesterol ... but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has
the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
circuits.
When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
-- J. LeBoutillier
One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
never writes..."
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was
apprehended.
Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is."
Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money."
Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!"
Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor."
At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his
bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the
money is right now, he will kill you here."
Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
under the big tree at the pass!"
Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..."
Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've
got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
life."
Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked
to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
"My God, what happened to you?"
"I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
on his bloodied lips.
"Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But
what happened? Did the customer start a fight?"
"Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was
*pissed*."
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
Nor a pheasant plucker's son.
I'm just a'plucking pheasants
'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
Hear about...
the careless canary that did it for a lark?
Hear about...
the truck driver who pulled out to
avoid a child and fell off the sofa?
Hear about...
the over-anxious bride who came down the aisle?
Hear about...
the absent minded nurse who made
the patient without disturbing the bed?
Hear about...
the frustrated musician who worked all week on an
arrangement and then his wife didn't leave town?
Hear about...
the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
Hear about...
the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
When he popped her cherry,
She made things hairy
By bleeding all over his face.
A bad little girl in Madrid,
A most reprehensible kid,
Told her Tante Louise
That her cunt smelled like cheese,
And the worst of it was that it did!
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
A beautiful belle of Del Norte
Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
Because during the day
She says: "Boys, keep away!"
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
A beautiful lady named Psyche
Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
One thing about Ike
The lady can't like
Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
When she swiveled about
Even strong men cried out,
For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
A bobby of Nottingham Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function
Deceived his good wife
For the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups:
"The height of my folly
Was fucking a collie --
But I got a nice price for the pups."
A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
When eased in half-way,
The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
A certain young person of Ghent,
Uncertain if lady or gent,
Shows his organs at large
For a small handling charge
To assist him in paying the rent.
A chap down in Oklahoma
Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
But the sweetness of pitch
Couldn't put off the hitch
Of impotence, size and aroma.
A charmer from old Amarillo,
Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
Decided one day
That to keep men away
She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
Had a pussy as large as a muff.
It had room for both hands
And some intimate glands,
And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
On the twenty-third stroke
The fuckin' thing broke
And beat both his balls to a creame.
A contortionist hailing from Lynch
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
A foot cost a quid --
He could and he did
Stretch it to three in a pinch.
A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
And said, "Bother the fish!
I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.
A cowhand way out in Seattle
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
He said, "No, I can't fuck
A lamb or a duck,
But golly! it just fits the cattle."
A cute little twerp from Samoa
Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
It was good for keyholes
And debutantes' peeholes
But not worth a damn on a whoa.
A daredevil skater named Lowe,
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
But is proudest of doing,
Some incredible screwing,
Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
A deep-throated virgin named Netty
Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
She said, "It tastes nice,
Much better than rice,
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
Let his third-story front,
To a willing young cunt,
Who supplied him a new lease on life!
A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
As quick as a glance
He stripped off his pants,
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
A doctoral student from Buckingham
Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
But a dropout from paree
Taught him Gamahuchee
So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
She blew her vagina
To South Carolina,
And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
Had achieved some reknown
For her tone going down--
There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
Thought it very, very foolish to place
Her hand on your cock
When it turned hard as rock,
For fear it would explode in your face.
A farmer I know named O'Doole
Had a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plow,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
A fellatrix's healthful condition
Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
Her remarkable diet
(I suggest that you try it)
Was only her clients' emission.
A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
A fisherman off of Cape Cod
Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
But the high-minded fish
Resented his wish,
And nimbly swam off with his rod.
A girl of uncertain nativity
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
While she sat on the lap
Of a German or Jap,
She could sense Fifth Column activity.
A habit obscene and bizarre,
Has taken a-hold of papa.
He brings home young camels
And other odd mammals,
And gives them a go at mama.
A habit obscene and unsavory,
Holds a CS professor in slavery.
With maniacal howls,
He deflowers young owls,
That he keeps in an underground aviary.
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
Made love to the drive of his disk.
The thing circumsized him,
Which rather suprised him.
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
A hardware debugger named Court
Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
But its buffer array
Only handled 1K,
So the port's driver cut it off short.
A highly aesthetic young Jew
Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
The end of his dillie
Was shaped like a lilly,
And his balls were too utterly two!
A highway patrol buff named Claire,
Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
And her parts grew so hot,
There was steam on her twat,
So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
A horny young fellow named Reg,
Was jerking off under a hedge.
The gardener drew near
With a huge pruning shear,
And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
A huge-organed female in Dallas,
Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
Was virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
A lacklustre lady of Brougham
Weaveth all night at her loom.
Anon she doth blench
When her lord and his wench
Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
A lad, at his first copulation,
Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
Gyration, elation
Throughout the duration,
I guess I'll give up masturbation."
A lad from far-off Transvaal
Was lustful, but tactful withal.
He'd say, just for luck,
"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
A lady from Old Little Rock
In fidelity took little stock,
And deserted her man
In the streets of Japan
For a boy with a prehensile cock.
A lady removing her scanties,
Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
Said her beau, "Have no fear,
For the reason is clear:
You simply have amps in your panties.
A lady stockholder quite hetera
Decided her fortune to bettera:
On the floor, quite unclad,
She successively had
Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."
A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they asked her its size
She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
A licentious old justice of Salem
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
But instead of a fine
He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
A lonely young lad of Eton
Used always to sleep with the heat on,
Till he ran into a lass
Who showed him her ass --
Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
A lusty young maid from Seattle
Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
Till she found a bull
Who filled her so full
It made both her ovaries rattle.
A lusty young woodsman of Maine
For years with no woman had lain,
But he found sublimation
At a high elevation
In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
A maestro directing in Rome
Had a quaint way of driving it home.
Whoever he climbed
Had to keep her tail timed
To the beat of his old metronome.
A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
The horsey set rushed her,
But success finally crushed her
For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
A maiden who wrote of big cities
Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
Sold her stuff at the shop
Of a musical wop
Who played with her soft little titties.
A man was once heard to boast,
That he received a parcel by post,
It contained, so we heard,
A magnificent turd,
And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
A marine being sent to Hong Kong
Got a doctor to alter his dong.
He sailed off with a tool
Flat and thin as a rule -
When he got there he found he was wrong.
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexhedronical ball,
And the square of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight,
Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call...
A middle-aged codger named Bruin
Found his love life completely in ruin,
For he flirted with flirts
Wearing pants and no skirts,
And he never got in for no screwin'.
A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
She had nowhere to turn,
So she diddled a churn,
And managed to come with the butter.
A mortician who practised in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, did not budge--
Just the same as she'd acted in life."
A nervous young fellow named Fred
Took a charming young widow to bed.
When he'd diddled a while
She remarked with a smile,
"You've got it all in but the head."
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
They got laid eighty ways --
Imagine such fucking devotion!
A newly-wed man of Peru
Found himself in a terrible stew:
His wife was in bed
Much deader than dead,
And so he had no one to screw.
A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
Reads the sign o'er the head
Of her well-rumpled bed
"The customer always comes first."
A nudist resort at Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
But he made members weep
For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.
A passionate red-haired girl
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
And her twat would get wet,
And would wiggle and fret,
And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
A petulant man once said, "Pish,
Your cunt is as big as a dish."
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a pin with a fish."
A pious old woman named Tweak
Had taught her vagina to speak.
It was frequently liable
To quote from the Bible,
But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
A pious young lady named Finnegan
Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
So time it aright,
Make it last through the night,
For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
A pious young lady of Chichester
Made all of the saints in their niches stir
And each morning at matin
Her breast in pink satin
Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
A plumber whose name was John Brink
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
Her resistance was stout,
And John Brink petered out,
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
A potter who lived in Bombay
Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
But the heat of his prick
Kilned the damn thing to brick
And chafed all his foreskin away.
A pretty wife living in Tours
Demanded her daily amour.
But the husband said, "No!
It's to much. Let it go!
My backsides are dragging the floor."
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
A rapturous young fellatrix
One day was at work on five pricks.
With an unholy cry
She whipped out her glass eye:
"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
A reckless young lady of France
Had no qualms about taking a chance,
But she thought it was crude
To get screwed in the nude,
So she always went home with damp pants.
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
A romantic attraction has clung
To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
"'Tis the Scourge from the East,
That lascivious beast
Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
A sailor who slept in the sun,
Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
He remarked with a smile,
"Good grief, a sun-dial!
And now it's a quarter-past one."
A savvy young hooker named Gail
Got busted and lodged in the jail.
But the jailer got hot,
To be lodged in her twat,
And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
A scandal involving an oyster
Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
She preferred it, in bed,
To the count (so she said)
'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
A seafaring hacker named Slatey
Went to bed with a VAX/780.
The thing's learned to swear
With a nautical air,
And refers to its users as "matey".
A sex-loving coed named Bree
Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
The joystick, she found,
Had been fooling around
With a neighboring student's PC.
A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
Was having a captive, a person
Who was not averse
Though she had the curse,
And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
A structured programmer named Drew
Was intensely turned on by "goto".
When he saw it in code
He'd shoot off his load.
It's a good thing his shop used so few.
A studious professor named Nestor
Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
But she drained out his balls
And skipped up the walls,
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
Went down on her beau in the garden.
He said, "Good lord, Tess,
Don't swallow that mess "
And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
While the man detumesced
She still spent on with zest,
Her rapture sheer anachronism.
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
A tidy young lady of Streator
Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
She always would say,
"I prefer it this way.
I think it is very much neater."
A tired young trollop of Nome
Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
Eight miners came screwing,
But she said, "Nothing doing;
One of you has to go home!"
A vengeful technician named Schmitz
Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
He covered the platter
With bats' fecal matter.
Now it's seek time is really the pits.
A very odd pair are the Pitts:
His balls are as large as her tits,
Her tits are as large
As an invasion barge--
Neither knows how the other cohabits.
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
Too lazy to rape her,
He made darts out of paper,
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
A whimsical fellow named Bloch
Could beat the base drum with his cock.
With a special erection
He could play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
Had a hole as big as a basket.
A spot, as a bride,
In it now, you could hide,
And include with your luggage your mascot.
A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice
Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
Renowned for the length of their peenies.
The hair on their balls
Sweeps the floors of their halls,
But they don't look at women, the meanies.
A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
But when everything's cleared,
He gives way to the weird,
As he lovingly busses each table.
A worn-out young husband named Lehr
Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
"Slip on a sheath, quick,
Then slip your big dick
Between these lips covered with hair."
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
A young Juliet of St. Louis
On a balcony stood acting screwy.
Her Romeo climbed,
But he wasn't well timed,
And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
A young fellow discovered through Freud
That although of penis devoid,
He could practice coitus
By eating a foetus,
And his parents were quite overjoyed.
A young lady sat by the sea,
Just as proper as proper could be.
A young fellow goosed her,
And roughly seduced her,
So she thanked him and went home to tea.
A young man by a girl was desired
To give her the thrills she required,
But he died of old age
Ere his cock could assuage
The volcanic desire it inspired.
A young man from the banks of the Po
Found his cock had elongated so,
That when he'd pee
It was never he
But only his neighbors who'd know.
A young man maintained that his trigger
Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
But this long and thick pud
Was so heavy it could
Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
While bent over plucking a dingle
Had the whole of Eisteddfod
Taking turns at his pod
While they sang some impossible jingle.
A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
A young polo-player of Berkeley
Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
In the midst of each chukker
He would break off and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
A young systems programmer of Sprotic
Found his software intensely erotic.
In jealous distress
He wiped his OS.
It's possible that he's a psychotic.
A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
As she took down her panties
She said, "No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!"
A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
Preferred frigging to going to mass.
Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
Or any young cock,
For I cannot live up to your ass."
A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
Says she, "You're in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
When he parted her thighs;
"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
All the female apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long.
But a friendly giraffe
Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
An AI researcher named Bluth
Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
Eroticon VI,
Which he taught certain tricks
Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
An aesthete from South Carolina
Had a cock that tickled like China,
But while shooting his load
It cracked like old Spode,
So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
An amazon giantess named Dunne
Let a midget screw her for fun.
But the poor little runt
Was engulfed in her cunt
And re-born as the twin of his son.
An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
By seventeen sailors
A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
An anonymous woman we knew
Was dozing one day in her pew;
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
She said, "Count me in
As soon as the service is through."
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.
An eager young hacker named Gus
Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
The hardware went bad,
But not the young lad
He didn't expect all that fuss!
An envious girl named McMeanus
Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
It was small consolation
That the rest of the nation
Of women were with her in weeness.
An exotic young lady named Suki
Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
When asked for a fuck
She said, "Solly, no luck--
See here: looky looky, no nuki "
An impish young fellow named James
Had a passion for idiot games.
He lighted the hair
Of his lady's affair
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
An impotent Scot named MacDougall
Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
He was gathering semen
To gender a he-man,
By screwing his wife through a bugle.
An ingenious young man in South Bend
Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
But the friend shortly found
Its construction unsound,
It was simply a bother -- no end.
An octagenerian Jew
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
This was not from compunction,
But due to dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
An old couple just at Shrovetide
Were having a piece -- when he died.
The wife for a week
Sat tight on his peak,
And bounced up and down as she cried.
An old man at the Folies Bergere
Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
It snipped off a twat-curl
From each new chorus girl,
And he had a wig made of the hair.
An organist playing in York
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
And between obbligatos
He'd munch at tomatoes,
To keep up his strength while at work.
An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
Her climatic fame spread
With an ad blitz that said:
Coming soon at a theater near you!
And earnest young woman in Thrace
Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
So he gave her a thwack,
And did on her back,
What he couldn't have done face to face.
And then there's the story that's fraught
With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
When a chap took a crap
In the woods, and a trap
Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
Since he thinks it's effete
To be beating his meat,
What he's into is licking his chops.
At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
Though of love we are never penurious.
Thanks to vulcanized aids,
Though we may die old maids,
At least we shall never die curious.
At the moment Japan declared war
A sailor was fucking a whore.
He said, "After this poke
`Long and hard' ain't no joke;
This means months 'til I get back ashore."
Coitus upon a cadaver
Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
Her inanimate state
Means a man needn't wait,
And eliminates all the palaver.
Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
Homo qui aedificabat.
Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat.
Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat.
Sed virginem pine necebat.
Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
She went down on the gents,
And pronged the girl's vents
With a clitoris reaching six inches.
De Hispanice puella verumque
Simplex oris verborumque
Tulit potens vagina
Hominum agmina
Iterum iterum iterumque.
Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
Just sit in the sand
And do it by hand,
And buy bonds with the money you save.
Down by the old model T,
Where she first showed it to me.
It was furry and black,
And she called it a crack,
But it looked like a manhole to me.
DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
And by planned obsolescence,
So controlled detumescence,
A poor man could not get a smell.
Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
Ich hore Mann kommen."
"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day,
Said, "Girls on the way,
But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
Fond of equestrians, Mabel
Looked for true love in the stable.
But she found the studs,
For her were all duds,
Now she's out with the leg of a table.
For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
He's endowed with a dong
That is 12 inches long,
So he wedges his foot in the door.
For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
But the one remedy
For contagious V.D.
Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
You have made much fine verse on
Each part of my person,
Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
Said the rector, "My gracious,
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
Some people say,
Love finds a way,
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
Have you heard of the lady named Cox
Who had a capacious old box?
When her lover was in place
She said, "Please turn your face.
I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
Her husband said, "Vi,
When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
So he put Spanish fly
In their pudding and pie
And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
"I won't suck his filthy old prick!
It's not that I funk
At a mouthful of spunk,
But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
Could rotate his pecker, and then
He would shoot through his rear
Which made him dear
Of the girls, and the envy of men.
Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
Had morals the city might soften.
So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
Are you living in sin?"
Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
I replied, "Simple shagging
Without any wagging
Is only for screwing canoeing."
I know of a fortunate Hindu
Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
By the ladies he knows,
Who are thrilled to the toes
By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
I met a young man in Chungking
Who had a very long thing --
But you'll guess my surprise
When I found that its size
Just measured a third-finger ring!
I never had Miss Defauw,
But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
If she'd only said "No"
When I wanted her so;
But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
I once had the wife of a Dean
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
She remarked with some gaiety,
"Not bad for the laiety,
Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
I once was annoyed by a queer
Who made his intentions quite clear.
Said I, "I'm no prude,
So don't think me rude,
But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude--
I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
And a happy erection
Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
If you're speaking of actions immoral
The how about giving the laurel
To doughty Queen Esther,
No three men could best her --
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
Dit-elle, "Arretez!
J'entends quelqu'un venait."
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
Il y avait une madame de Lahore
Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
Mais la vagine tres forte,
Toujours ouverte la porte,
Encore, et encore, et encore.
In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
His wife said, "Oh, stuff
That philosophy guff
Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
In the case of a lady named Frost,
Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
It's the best part of valor
To bugger the gal, or
You're apt to fall in and get lost.
In the little French town of Le'Beau,
Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
At a masquerade ball,
Clad in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker house roll.
It always delights me at Hank's
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
They sat in her Bentley,
She fondled him gently,
And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
King Louis gave a lesson in class,
One time while enjoying a lass.
When she used the word "Damn"
He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth,
"In a long-distance telephone booth,
I enjoyed the perfection
Of an ideal connection --
I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
Love letters no longer they write us,
To their homes they so seldom invite us.
It grieves me to say,
They have learned with dismay,
We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
Afflicted with psychotic warps.
His idea of fun
Is to bugger a nun,
And then vomit all over the corpse.
Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
Who said with a wink and a smile,
"Sure, please stick it in,
Be it thick be it thin,
But if's rough I won't do as a file."
Oden the bardling averred
His muse was the bum of a bird,
And his Lesbian wife
Would finger his fife
While Fisherwood waited as third.
Of his face she thought not very much,
But then, at the very first touch,
Her attitude shifted --
He was terribly gifted
At frigging and fucking and such.
Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
The poor wench doth stammer,
"I need a sledgehammer
To pound a man into my vent."
Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
He tried to make love to a puma.
Seems the puma, in play,
Tore his testes away --
An example of animal huma.
On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
Not Russian elite-
She's eager to eat
Whatever or whoever lays her.
On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
His girl got a yen for fellatio.
As she sucked on his dingus
He tried cunnilingus
But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
One evening a guru had coitus
With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
When asked what position
He used for coition,
He answered serenely, "the lotus."
One night a girl had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
Then she picked up his hat
And realized that
She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
She declined and declined
Till approached from behind...
When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
He announced as he folded with flair,
"I had four of a kind,
But those aces combined,
Don't stack up, I'm afraid with your pair."
Prince Absalom lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
But the kid was so tight,
And it was deep night --
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
Prope mare erat tubulator
Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
Dessine ingressus
Audivi progressus:
Est mihi inquit tubulator.
Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State,
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
"You must sieze it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day."
Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
Of all the girls that I've had,
None gave me the thrill
Of real rapture until
I learned how to be a tribade."
Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
To a sailor just off of a barge,
"We have one girl that's dead,
With a hole in her head--
Of course there's a slight extra charge."
Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
I'm simply too shy and afraid
To take part in your pranks.
But to show you my thanks,
I'd just love to become your first aide.
Said a pornographistic young poet
"Although I perhaps do not show it,
My interest in sin
Is wearing quite thin,
And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
I think that was one up for me.
Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
To a muffer's delight,
I'll take head on a flight,
So the guy can have pie in the sky."
She made a thing of soft leather,
And topped off the end with a feather.
When she poked it inside her
She took off like a glider,
And gave up her lover forever.
She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
Now she's lying in the grass,
With the muffler up her ass,
And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
I'm agog with excitement today!
And the reason of course,
A reliable source,
Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
He pulled it on out,
But she started to pout,
His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
So here was this fellow of Strensall
Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
Anemic, 'tis true,
But an interesting screw,
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
She obliges all who accost her.
She welcomes the prick
Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
That Harvard don down at El Djim --
Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
With the whole harem randy,
The sheik himself handy,
To muss up a young camel's quim.
That naughty old Sappho of Greece
Said "What I prefer to a piece
Is to have my pudenda
Rubbed hard by the enda
The little pink nose of my niece."
The King named Oedipus Rex
Who started this fuss about sex
Put the world to great pains
By the spots and the stains
Which he made on his mother's pubex.
The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
And cried, "Oh, my dear,
I am coming, I fear,
But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a girl a most elegant creature.
So she laid on her back
And, exposing her crack,
Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
The Shah of the Empire of Persia
Lay for days in a sexual merger.
When the nautch asked the Shah,
"Won't you ever withdraw?"
He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
Do an act in the nude on their knees.
They crawl down the aisle
While screwing dog-style,
As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
Where ten thousand virgins
Succumbed to his urgin's
There now stands the great State of Utah.
The latest reports from Good Hope
State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
And fuck high, wide, and free,
From the top of one tree
To the top of the next -- what a scope!
The new local cinematorium
Is not only a super sensorium,
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
When excited are twelve inches long
This embarassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong
The notorious Duchess of Peels
Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
Said she, "Would you mind? --
Shove one up my behind.
I am anxious to know how it feels."
The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
That when posed on her toes
She elaborately shows
Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame --
A discharge is a wondeful thing.
"The testes are cooler outside,"
Said the doc to the curious bride,
"For the semen must no
Get too fucking hot,
And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
"The testes are cooler outside,"
Said the doc to the curious bride,
"For the semen must not
Get too fucking hot,
And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
The wife of young Richard of Limerick
Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
Still grows in diameter
Each time that you ram at her;
How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
The woman who lives on the moon
Is still cherishing the balloon
Of an earthling who'd come
And given her some,
But had dribbled away all too soon.
There a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
There is a young faggot named Mose
Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
And you'll double the joy
Of this lecherous boy
If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
There once was a Duchess of Bruges
Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
Said the king to this dame
As he thunderously came:
"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
It was not the size
That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
Discovered his sex life was hapless:
The more he would screw
The more he'd want to,
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
There once was a chick named Longet,
Who went out to Aspen to play.
Along came a Spyder,
Who sat down beside her
And she blew the poor bastard away.
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.
There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!
There once was a fag of Khartoom
Who spent the night in a Lesbians room.
They argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
There once was a fellow named Bob
Who in sexual ways was a snob.
One day he was swimmin'
With twelve naked women
And deserted them all for a gob.
There once was a fellow named Brewster
Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
"It used to be grand
But look at my hand
You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
There once was a fellow named Howard,
Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
While grabbing some ass,
He reached critical mass,
But think of the girl he deflowered!
There once was a fellow named Siegel
Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
But the mettlesome bitch
Turned and said with a twitch,
"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
There once was a fencer named Fisk,
Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Fitzgerald contraction,
Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
There once was a floozie named Annie
Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
A buck for a fuck,
Fifty cents for a suck,
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
Sheep are just fine,
Chickens, divine,
But iguanas are Numero Uno."
There once was a gay young Parisian
Who screwed an appendix incision,
And the girl of his choice
Could hardly rejoice
At the horrible lack of precision.
There once was a girl from Cornell
Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
When you touched them they shrunk,
Except when she was drunk,
And then they got bigger than hell.
There once was a girl from Decatur,
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now nobody knew
The result of that screw,
'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
There once was a girl from Spokane,
Went to bed with a one-legged man.
She said, "I know you--
You've really got two!
Why didn't you say so when we began?"
There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
Who was diddled amazingly often.
She was rogered by scores
Who'd been turned down by whores,
And was finally screwed in her coffin.
There once was a girl named Priscilla
Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
The taste was so fine
Man and beast stood in line
(Including a stud armadilla).
There once was a golfer named Leer,
Who got put in the clink for a year,
For an action obscene,
On the very first green.
Where the sign said "Enter course here."
There once was a gouty old colonel
Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
And he cried in his tiffin
For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
And the size of the thing was infernal.
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
So he built him some chicks,
Of silicon chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There once was a handsome young seaman
Who with ladies was really a demon.
In peace or in war,
At sea or on shore,
He could certainly dish out the semen.
There once was a horny old bitch
With a motorized self-frigger which
She would use with delight
All day long and all night -
Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
There once was a horse named Lily
Whose dingus was really a dilly.
It was vaginoid duply,
And labial quadruply --
In fact, he was really a filly.
There once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
Every time he got hot
He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.
There once was a jolly old bloke
Who picked up a girl for a poke.
He took down her pants,
Fucked her into a trance,
And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
There once was a kiddie named Carr
Caught a man on top of his mar.
As he saw him stick 'er,
He said with a snicker,
"You do it much faster than par."
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
There once was a lady from Kansas
Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
It was nine inches deep
And the sides were quite steep --
It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
There once was a lady named Carter,
Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
She stripped off his pants,
At his prick quickly glanced,
And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
There once was a lady named Clair,
Who posessed a magnificent pair.
Or that's what I thought,
Till I saw one get caught,
On a thorn and begin losing air.
There once was a lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle.
She had crabs, so they say,
In a year and a day
Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
There once was a lifeguard named Lee
Who rescued a girl from the sea
She asked how to pay,
And he said "Try this way,
Go down for the third time on me."
71:
69 with two fingers up your ass.
-- George Carlin
When someone tells you to "take it like
a man" it usually means up your ass.
Bend over and take it like a man!
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
-- Doctor Dirty
Hangover, n:
The burden of proof.
When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
"The basic white one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. "The
flesh-toned model is thirty."
"I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching
item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there?
"Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't
sell you that one for less than a hundred."
"I'll take it."
Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white
vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
bucks for my Thermos."
We have reason to believe that man first
walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
-- Lily Tomlin
A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
miles and asks the Indian how the hell he's knows that.
Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
Life in the Universe"
Swallow, v:
The (blew) bird of birth control.
Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical
powers.
After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating
the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will
work only three times. Make use of them wisely."
As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep,"
he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
"Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away.
He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
"Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted.
Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
"Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
"Beep-beep!"
"Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
"What's all this beep-beep shit?"
After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really
starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
rummaging through a dresser drawer.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
-- Tom Lehrer
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right
to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to
the contrary.
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we
had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
of an Untenured Professor?
-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could
get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea
worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical
laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing
happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now,
a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The
bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and
said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
"I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
"How did you make him cry tonight?"
"I proved it."
Man in stall:
Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there?
Man at sink:
No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in
any of the other stalls either.
A minute passes.
Man in stall:
Say, buddy?
Man at sink:
Yeah?
Man in stall:
You got change for a ten?
Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
A: Play dumb until the second coming.
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
"Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down,
guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at
once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
I've been feeling kind of jealous,
Of all them well-hung fellas,
Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one,
Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun,
I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock.
If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon,
They would turn on to my hardon --
If I only had a cock.
Oh, I can tell you now,
The number of times I'd score,
I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife,
I never have before, Living a little mouse-life
And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long.
And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a dong!
-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
15 minutes a day!
SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
It's a bitch being butch.
Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
Some of the management around here are the
final proof that the Indians fucked the buffalo.
Life is not a cabaret.
It's a fucking circus.
Yuck Foo.
Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who used to beat off in the gutta
The heat of the sun
Affected his gun
And turned all his cream into butta!
There once was a man from Madras,
Whose balls were made out of brass.
When they clanged together,
They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.
There once was a man from Nantee
Who buggered an ape in a tree.
The results were most horrid
All ass and no forehead
Three balls and a purple goatee.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could sucket.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear were a cunt I could fucket.
There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a screwing machine.
Both concave and convex,
It could please either sex,
But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it up to her kidney.
But the man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck;
He had a big one, now didn't he?
There once was a man named Lodge,
Who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
When his date was strapped in,
He committed a sin,
Without ever leaving the garage.
There once was a man named McGruder,
Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
But the girl thought it crude,
To be wooed in the nude,
So McGru took an oar and subduder.
There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
Just to be couth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
There once was a man named Parridge
With peculiar views on marriage.
He sucked off his brother,
Fucked his own mother,
And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
There once was a miner named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
She was ugly as shit,
And missing one tit,
But think of the money he saves.
There once was a newspaper vendor,
A person of dubious gender.
He would charge one-and-two
For permission to view
His remarkable double pudenda.
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know, love, it's me."
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
What they do to my wife --
Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is they all do it well."
There once was a sailor named Gasted,
A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
He could jerk himself off
In a basket, aloft,
Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
And fuck to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
There once was a woman from Arden
Who sucked off a man in a garden.
He said, "My dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
But he lurked in the ditches
And diddled the bitches
Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
She was ugly and smelly,
With an awful pot-belly,
But... well, they were caught in the rain.
There once was a young man from Boston
Who drove around town in an Austin,
There was room for his ass,
And a gallon of gas,
So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
There once was a young man named Gene,
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It served either sex,
And it played with itself inbetween.
There once were two brothers named Luntz
Who buggered each other at once.
When asked to account
For this intricate mount,
They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
Till a Spanish grandee,
Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
There was a family named Doe,
An ideal family to know.
As father screwed mother,
She said, "You're heavier than brother."
And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
There was a fat lady of China
Who'd a really enormous vagina,
And when she was dead
They painted it red,
And used it for docking a liner.
There was a fat man from Rangoon
Whose prick was much like a ballon.
He tried hard to ride her
And when finally inside her
She thought she was pregnant too soon.
There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station,
Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
There was a gay dog from Ontario
Who fancied himself a Lothario.
At a wench's glance
He'd snatch off his pants
And make for her Mons Venerio.
There was a gay parson of Norton
Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
To make up for this loss,
He had balls like a horse,
And never spent less than a quartern.
There was a gay parson of Tooting
Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
Till he married a lass
With a face like my arse,
And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
There was a girl from Aberystwyth
Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
The miller's son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.
There was a pianist named Liszt
Who played with one hand while he pissed,
But as he grew older
His technique grew bolder,
And in concert jacked off with his fist.
There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
Fur-lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
There was a strong man of Drumrig
Who one day did seven times frig.
He buggered three sailors,
Four dogs and two tailors,
And ended by fucking a pig.
There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
"Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
There was a young blade from South Greece
Whose bush did so greatly increase
That before he could shack
He must hunt needle in stack.
'Twas as bad as being obese.
There was a young bride, a Canuck,
Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
You say that I, maybe,
Can have my first baby--
Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
There was a young bride of Antigua
Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
Why, you've only felt my twot,
My legs and my arse and my figua!"
There was a young damsel named Baker
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
He yelled, "My God! what
Do you call this -- a twat?
Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was a folly.
Said she, "Your pee-pee
Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
There was a young fellow from Cal.,
In bed with a passionate gal.
He leapt from the bed,
To the toilet he sped;
Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed
He cried, "God strike me dead!
This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds.
There was a young fellow from Parma
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
Said the damsel demure,
"You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
There was a young fellow name Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, "Don't bow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."
There was a young fellow named Babbitt
Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
But a girl from Johore
Could do it twice more,
Which was just enough extra to crab it.
There was a young fellow named Bill,
Who took an atomic pill,
His navel corroded,
His asshole exploded,
And they found his nuts in Brazil.
There was a young fellow named Bowen
Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
It grew so tremendous,
So long and so pendulous,
'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
Said she, "I don't mind,
And higher up you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."
There was a young fellow named Cribbs
Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
They were inches apart,
And to suck it took art,
While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
Was reputed an infamous lecher.
When he'd take on a whore
She'd need a rebore,
And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood
The question's not woody but could he?
There was a young fellow named Grimes
Who fucked his girl seventeen times
In the course of a week --
And this isn't to speak
Of assorted venereal crimes.
There was a young fellow named Harry,
Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
He grabbed him a virgin,
Who, without any urgin',
Immediately spread like a fairy.
There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
But fragile and slender,
And dainty and tender,
So he kept it encased in a thimble.
There was a young fellow named Meek
Who invented a lingual technique.
It drove women frantic,
And made them romantic,
And wore all the hair off his cheek.
There was a young fellow named Morgan
Who possessed an unusual organ:
The end of his dong,
Which was nine inches long,
Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
There was a young fellow named Pell
Who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger or fuck one,
But never would suck one--
He just couldn't get used to the smell.
There was a young fellow named Price
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
He had virgins and boys
And mechanical toys,
And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
There was a young fellow named Prynne
Whose prick was so short and so thin,
His wife found she needed
A Fuckoscope -- she did --
To see if he'd gotten it in.
There was a young fellow named Rex
With diminutive organs of sex.
When charged with exposure
He said with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex!"
There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
The hatch of her snatch,
Had a catch that would latch,
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
There was a young fellow of Burma
Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
But now that he's married he's
Been using cantharides
And the root of their love is much firmer.
There was a young fellow of Harrow
Whose john was the size of a marrow.
He said to his tart,
"How's this for a start?
My balls are outside in a barrow."
There was a young fellow of Kent
Whose prick was so long that it bent,
So to save himself trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming he went.
There was a young fellow of Mayence
Who fucked his own arse in defiance
Not only of custom
And morals, dad-bust him,
But of most of the known laws of science.
There was a young fellow of Perth
Whose balls were the finest on earth.
They grew to such size
That one won a prize,
And goodness knows what they were worth.
There was a young fellow of Strensall
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
On the night of his wedding
It went through the bedding,
And shattered the chamber utensil.
There was a young fellow of Warwick
Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
For he could by election
Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
There was a young fellow whose dong
Was prodigiously massive and long.
On each side of his whang
Two testes did hang
That attracted a curious throng.
There was a young gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
A woman is fine,
And a sheep is divine,
But a llama is Numero Uno."
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Who said, "You are utterly wrong
To say my vagina
Is the largest in China
Just because of your mean little dong."
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
There was a young girl from Medina
Who could completely control her vagina.
She could twist it around
Like the cunts that are found
In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
There was a young girl from New York
Who plugged up her quim with a cork
A woodpecker or two
Made the grade, it is true,
But it totally baffled the stork.
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who had nothing whatever to do.
So she sat on the stairs,
And counted cunt hairs,
Four thousand, three hundred and two.
There was a young girl from Samoa
Who pledged that no man would know her.
One young fellow tried,
But she wriggled aside,
And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
There was a young girl from Siam
Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
"To seduce me, of course,
You'll have to use force,
And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
There was a young girl from St. Cyr
Whose reflex reactions were queer.
Her escort said, "Mable,
Get up off the table;
That money's to pay for the beer."
There was a young girl from the Bronix
Who had a vagina of onyx.
She had so much `tsoris'
With her clitoris,
She traded it in for a Packard.
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
There was a young girl in Dakota
Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
"In addition to gas
We are rationing ass,
And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
There was a young girl name McKnight
Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
She came to in bed,
With a split maidenhead--
That's the last time she ever was tight.
There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
There was a young girl named Heather
Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
She made a queer noise,
Which attracted the boys,
By flapping the edges together.
There was a young girl named McCall
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
But the size of her anus
Was something quite heinous --
It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
There was a young girl named O'Clare
Whose body was covered with hair.
It was really quite fun
To probe with one's gun,
For her quimmy might be anywhere.
There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers,
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
The miller's sun, Jack,
Laid her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
There was a young girl of Asturias
With a penchant for practices curious.
She loved to bat rocks
With her gentlemen's cocks --
A practice both rude and injurious.
There was a young girl of Batonger
who diddled herself with a conger,
When asked how it feels
To be pleasured by eels
She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
Had a very capricious vagina:
To the shock of the fucker
"Twould suddenly pucker,
And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
But it wasn't Jehovah
That turned the girl over,
'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
There was a young girl of Des Moines
Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
Till a guy from Hoboken
Went and dropped in a token,
And now she rides free on the ferry.
There was a young girl of East Lynne
Whose mother, to save her from sin,
Had filled up her crack,
To the brim with shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
There was a young girl of Gibraltar
Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
It really seems odd
That a virtuous God
Should answer her prayers and assault her.
There was a young girl of Mobile,
Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
To give her a thrill,
Took a rotary drill,
Or a number nine emery wheel.
There was a young girl of Moline
Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
She would work on a prick
With every known trick,
And finish by winking it clean.
There was a young girl of Newcastle
Whose charms were declared universal.
While one man in front
Wired into her cunt,
Another was engaged at her arsehole.
There was a young girl of Pawtucket
Whose box was as big as a bucket.
Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
I'll have to wear boots,
For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
There was a young girl of Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance.
The passengers fucked her,
Likewise the conductor,
While the driver shot off in his pants.
There was a young girl of Pitlochry
Who was had by a man in a rockery.
She said, "Oh! You've come
All over my bum;
This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
There was a young girl of Rangoon
Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
"Well, it has been great fun,"
She remarked when he'd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
Whose people all thought her a virgin,
Till they found her in bed
With her twat very red,
And the head of a kid just emergin'.
There was a young girl, very sweet,
Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
When she sat on their lap
She unbuttoned their flap,
And always had plenty to eat.
There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat.
There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
The knob out in front
Attracted foul cunt
Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
With a fifteen-inch peter,
A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical Flood.
There was a young lad from Nahant
Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
When asked, "Do you fuck?"
He replied, "No such luck.
I would if I could but I can't."
There was a young lad from Siam,
Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
He loved them real small,
'Cause they're funner to ball,
So he went out and bought him a lamb!
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
There was a young lad named McFee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee
He made oodles of money
By oozing pure honey
Every time he attempted to pee.
There was a young lady at sea
Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser, and me."
There was a young lady from Brussels
Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
She could easily plex them
And so interflex them
As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
There was a young lady from Munich
Who had an affair with a eunuch.
At the height of their passion
He dealt her a ration
From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
There was a young lady from Prentice
Who had an affair with a dentist.
To make things easier
He used anesthesia,
And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
There was a young lady from Rheims
Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
A friend poked around
And a fly-button found
Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
There was a young lady from Spain
Whose face was exceedingly plain,
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the men fuck her,
Again, and again, and again.
There was a young lady from Wooster
Who complained that too many men gooster.
So she traded her scanties
For sandpaper panties,
Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
There was a young lady in Reno,
Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
But she lay on her back,
And opened her crack,
So now she owns the Casino!
There was a young lady named Astor
Who never let any get past her.
She finally got plenty
By stopping twenty,
Which certainly ought to last her.
There was a young lady named Banker,
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
She woke in dismay,
When she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
There was a young lady named Blount
Who had a rectangular cunt.
She learned for diversion
Posterior perversion,
Since no one could fit here in front.
There was a young lady named Brent
With a cunt of enormous extent,
And so deep and so wide,
The acoustics inside
Were so good you could hear when you spent.
There was a young lady named Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The entire oboe part
Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
At least so I thought
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
There was a young lady named Duff
With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
In his haste to get in her
One eager beginner
Lost both of his balls in the rough.
There was a young lady named Etta
Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
Three reasons she had:
To keep warm wasn't bad,
But the other two reasons were betta.
There was a young lady named Flo
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night,
Till he got it just right...
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right,
So everyone filled her with gin.
There was a young lady named Gilda
Who went on a date with a builder.
He said that he would,
And he could and he should,
And he did and it damn well near killed her.
There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
And then by six men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
There was a young lady named Gloria,
Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
She replied to the chap,
"I'll draw you a map,
Of where others have been to before ya."
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
There was a young lady named Hatch
Who would always come through in a scratch.
If a guy wouldn't neck her,
She'd grab up his pecker
And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
There was a young lady named Mable
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
Then cry to her man,
"Stuff in all you can --
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And frigging herself with a candle.
There was a young lady named Maud,
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I'm told,
She was distant and cold,
But if you got her alone, Oh God!
There was a young lady named May
Who strolled in a park by the way,
And she met a youg man
Who fucked her and ran --
Now she goes to the park every day.
There was a young lady named Nance
Who learned about fucking in France,
And when you'd insert it
She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
And shoved it right back in your pants.
There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.
There was a young lady named Ransom
Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
When she cried out for more
A voice from the floor
Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
There was a young lady named Riddle
Who had an untouchable middle.
She had many friends
Because of her ends,
Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
There was a young lady named Schneider
Who often kept trysts with a spider.
She found a strange bliss,
In the hiss of her piss,
As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
She said, "Try as I can
I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
For it tickled her bum
And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
There was a young lady named Wylde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus;
Contagious diseases;
And the bother of having a child.
There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
Said she with a frown,
"I've been sadly let down
By the tool of a fool in a garden."
There was a young lady of Bicester
Who was nicer by far than her sister:
The sister would giggle
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
There was a young lady of Bude
Who walked down the street in the nude.
A bobby said, "Whattum
Magnificent bottom!"
And slapped it as hard as he could.
There was a young lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee.
A man in a punt
Put his hand on her cunt,
And God! how I wish it were me.
There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
There was a young lady of Ealing
And her lover before her was kneeling.
Said she, "Dearest Jim,
Take your hands off my quim;
I much prefer fucking to feeling."
There was a young lady of Gaza
Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
The crabs, in a lump,
Made tracks to her rump -
This passing parade did amaze her.
There was a young lady of Gaza
Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
The crabs, in a lump,
Made tracks to her rump--
This passing parade did amaze her.
There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
She wasn't much hurt,
But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.
There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose friends they thought they had lost her
Till they found on the grass
The marks of her arse,
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Who admitted she knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine,
And plied her with wine,
She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
There was a young lady of Lee
Who scrambled up into a tree,
When she got there
Her arsehole was bare,
And so was her C U N T.
There was a young lady of Lincoln
Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
So she had a prick lent her
Which turned it magenta,
This artful old lady of Lincoln.
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau
"Just look at me Joe
I think I've discovered one more way."
There was a young lady of Rhyll
In an omnibus was taken ill,
So she called the conductor,
Who got in and fucked her,
Which did more good than a pill.
There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train.
There was a young porter
Saw more than he orter,
And asked her to do it again.
There was a young lady of Spain
Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
They did it again
And again and again,
And again and again and again.
There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To God she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
There was a young lady of Wheeling
Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
My little brown jug
Has need of a plug" --
And straightaway she started to peeling.
There was a young lady of Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
To her lover she said,
As they climbed into bed,
"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
There was a young lady who said,
As her bridegroom got into the bed,
"I'm tired of this stunt,
That they do with one's cunt,
You can get up my bottom instead."
There was a young lady whose cunt
Could accomodate a small punt.
Her mother said, "Annie,
It matches your fanny,
Which never was that of a runt."
There was a young lady whose thighs,
When spread showed a slit of such size,
And so deep and so wide,
You could play cards inside,
Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
There was a young laundress named Wrangle
Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
"They may tickle my chin,"
She said with a grin,
"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
There was a young maiden from Osset
Whose quim was nine inches across it.
Said a young man named Tong,
With tool nine inches long,
"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
There was a young man from Calcutta
Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
"If her Bartholin glands
Don't respond to my hands,
I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
There was a young man from Dallas
Who had an exceptional phallus.
He couldn't find room
In any girl's womb
Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
There was a young man from East Wubley
Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
Each quadruplicate shaft
Had two balls hanging aft,
And the general effect was quite lovely.
There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a trifurcated prong:
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a `boney' for beating a gong.
There was a young man from Glengozzle
Who found a remarkable fossil.
He knew by the bend
And the wart on the end,
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
There was a young man from Jodhpur
Who found he could easily cure
His dread diabetes
By eating a foetus
Served up in a sauce of manure.
There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
There was a young man from Lynn
Whose cock was the size of a pin.
Said his girl with a laugh
As she felt his staff,
"This won't be much of a sin."
There was a young man from Maine
Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
It was almost as long,
So he strolled with his dong
Extended in sunshine and rain.
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"Nevermore!"
There was a young man from Peru,
Who took a long trip by canoe.
While staring at Venus,
And rubbing his penis,
He wound up with a handful of goo.
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back --
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who used to lament 'neath the moon
That he had the luck
To be born of a fuck
That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
There was a young man from Salinas
Who had an extremely long penis:
Believe it or not,
When he lay on his cot
It reached from Marin to Martinez.
There was a young man from Seattle
Whose testicles tended to rattle.
He said as he fuck-ed
Some stones in a bucket,
"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
There was a young man from Siam
Who said, "I go in with a wham,
But I soon lose my starch
Like the mad month of March,
And the lion comes out like a lamb."
There was a young man from Stamboul
Who boasted so torrid a tool
That each female crater
Explored by this satyr
Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
There was a young man in Madrid
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did.
There was a young man in Norway,
Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
But the air was so frigid
It froze his cock rigid,
And all he could come was frappe.
There was a young man in the choir
Whose penis rose higher and higher,
Till it reached such a height
It was quite out of sight --
But of course you know I'm a liar.
There was a young man, name of Saul,
Who was able to bounce either ball,
He could stretch them and snap them,
And juggle and clap them,
Which earned him the plaudits of all.
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
Yeah, she threw the switch,
And Crockett went off like a rocket.
There was a young man named Hughes
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
He said, "When I'm muddled
My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws."
There was a young man named Knute
Who had warts all over his root.
He put acid on these
And now when he pees,
He fingers the thing like a flute.
There was a young man named McNamiter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
But it wasn't the size
Gave the girls a surprise,
But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
There was a young man named Zerubbabel
Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
When they asked if his pleasure
Was only half measure,
He replied, "That is highly improbable."
There was a young man named Zerubbabub
Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
But the pride of his life
Were the tits of his wife --
One real, and one India-rubber bub.
There was a young man of Arras
Who stretched himself out on the grass,
And with no little trouble,
He bent himself double,
And stuck his prick well up his ass.
There was a young man of Australia
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog,
Two mice and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
There was a young man of Bengal
Who swore he had only one ball,
But two little bitches
Unbuttoned his britches,
And found he had no balls at all.
There was a young man of Bombay
Who buggered his dad once a day.
He said, "I like, rather,
Fucking my father --
He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
There was a young man of Calcutta,
Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
When he got to c-u,
A pious Hindoo
Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
There was a young man of Coblenz
Whose ballocks were simply immense:
It took forty-four draymen,
A priest and three laymen
To carry them thither and thence.
There was a young man of Darjeeling
Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
In the electric light socket,
He'd put it and rock it--
Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
There was a young man of Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
His tool when at ease,
Hung down to his knees,
Oh, what must it be when it rises!
There was a young man of Dumfries
Who said to his girl, "If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!"
There was a young man of Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
So long was his tool
That it wound round a spool,
And he let it out inach by inach.
There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
But buggered and sucked her--
And left her to pay for the room.
There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
There was a young man of Kutki
Who could blink himself off with one eye.
For a while though, he pined,
When his organ declined
To function, because of a stye.
There was a young man of Lahore
Whose prick was one inch and no more.
It was all right for key-holes
And little girl's pee-holes,
But not worth a damn with a whore.
There was a young man of Lake Placid
Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
When he wanted to sport
He would have to resort
To injections of sulphuric acid.
There was a young man of Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
When jangled together
They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.
There was a young man of Missouri
Who fucked with a terrible fury.
Till hauled into court
For his beastial sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
There was a young man of Natal
And Sue was the name of his gal.
One day, north of Aden,
He got his hard rod in,
And came clear up Suez Canal.
There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow and I shall."
There was a young man of Ostend
Who let a girl play with his end.
She took hold of Rover,
And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.
There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
"It's no use, my duck,
Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
There was a young man of Seattle
Who bested a bull in a battle.
With fire and gumption
He assumed the bull's function,
And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
There was a young man of Tibet
-- And this is the strangest one yet --
His prick was so long,
And so pointed and strong,
He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
There was a young man of Toulouse
Who had a deficient prepuce,
But the foreskin he lacked
He made up in his sac;
The result was, his balls were too loose.
There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To -- I won't say a bitch --
But a woman of no reputation.
There was a young man with one foot
Who had a very long root.
If he used this peg
As an extra leg
Is a question exceedingly moot.
There was a young miss from Johore
Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
In a manner uncanny
She'd wobble her fanny,
And drain your nuts dry to the core.
There was a young monk in Siberia,
Whose morals were very inferior,
He jumped on a nun
Which he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.
There was a young of Warwick
Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
For he could by election
Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
There was a young parson of Harwich,
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
She said, "No, you young goose,
Just try self-abuse.
And the other we'll try after marriage."
There was a young peasant named Gorse
Who fell madly in love with his horse.
Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
That horse is a stallion --
This constitutes grounds for divorce."
There was a young person of Kent
Who was famous wherever he went.
All the way through a fuck,
He would quack like a duck,
And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."
There was a young sapphic named Anna
Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
Which she sucked, bit by bit,
From her partner's warm slit,
In the most approved lesbian manner.
There was a young soldier from Munich
Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
And their chops girls would lick
When they thought of his prick,
But alas! he was only a eunuch.
There was a young squaw of Wohunt
Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
It had many odd uses,
Produced no papooses,
And fitted both giant and runt.
There was a young student from Yale
Who was getting his first piece of tail.
He shoved in his pole,
But in the wrong hole,
And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
There was a young trollop at Yale,
Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.
There was a young whore from Kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.
There was a young woman named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
She said, "I do this
From a great need to piss,
And not from sectarian malice."
There was a young woman named Brent
With a cunt of enormous extent,
And so deep and so wide,
The acoustics inside
Were so good you could hear when you spent.
There was a young woman named Florence
Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
But they found her in bed
With her cunt flaming red,
And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
There was a young woman named Sutton
Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
"My father preferred
The last sheep in the herd --
This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
There was a young woman of Cheadle,
Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
Said she, "Does it itch?"
"It does, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
There was an Old Man of the Mountain
Who frigged himself into a fountain
Fifteen times had he spent,
Still he wasn't content,
He simply got tired of the counting.
There was an old Count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So with great savoir-faire
She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
There was an old abbess quite shocked
To find nuns where the candles were locked.
Said the abbess, "You nuns
Should behave more like guns,
And never go off till you're cocked."
There was an old curate of Hestion
Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
But so small was his tool
He could scarce screw a spool,
And a cunt was quite out of the question.
There was an old fellow named Skinner
Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
But still, by and large,
It would always discharge
Once he could just get it in her.
There was an old gent from Kentuck
Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
But he put it away
For fear that one day
He might put it in and get stuck.
There was an old girl of Kilkenny
Whose usual charge was a penny.
For half of that sum
You could finger her bum--
A source of amusement to many.
There was an old lady of Kewry
Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
The `introitus vaginae',
Was unnaturally tiny,
And the thought of it filled her with fury.
There was an old lady who lay
With her legs wide apart in the hay,
Then, calling the ploughman,
She said, "Do it now, man!
Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
There was an old man from Bengal
Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
His favorite trick
Was to stand on his dick
While he rolled around on one ball.
There was an old man of Brienz
The length of whose cock was immense:
With one swerve he could plug
A boy's bottom in Zug,
And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
There was an old man of Cajon
Who never could get a good bone.
With the aid of a gland
It grew simply grand;
Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
There was an old man of Duddee
Who came home as drunk as could be.
He wound up the clock
With the end of his cock,
And buggered his wife with the key.
There was an old man of Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose
And with fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
There was an old man of Hong Kong
Who never did anything wrong.
He would lie on his back
With his head in a sack
And secretly finger his dong.
There was an old man of Tagore
Whose tool was a yard long or more,
So he wore the damn thing
In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor.
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
There was an old man who said, "Tush!
My balls always hang in the brush,
And I fumble about,
Half in and half out,
With a pecker as limber as mush."
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
There was an old satyr named Mack
Whose prick had a left handed tack.
If the ladies he loves
Don't spin when he shoves,
Their cervixes frequently crack.
There was an old woman of Ghent
Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
She got fucked so often
At last she got rotten,
And didn't she stink when she spent.
There was once a mechanic named Bench
Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
With this vibrant device
He could reach, in a trice,
The innermost parts of a wench.
There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
What they do to my wife--
Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is, they all do it well.
There were three ladies of Huxham,
And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
And when that game grows stale
We sits on a rail,
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
It's deep and it's wide,
-- You can curl up inside
With a nice easy chair and a book.
There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
But now--it's appallin'--
My balls always fall in!
I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
Whose manners are odd and demanding.
It's one of her jests
To suck off her guests --
She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
But her cunt's got a pucker
That's best not to fuck, or
When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
In the shell Sue is great,
But her boyfriend's irate,
When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
In her striving to please,
She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.
There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
Since his shocking perversions are various...
He will bugger some lad
With a dildo (the cad!)
While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
When one pireg is shot,
There's that alternate twat,
But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
There's an over-sexed lady named Whyte
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar
Had the brashness to wed her--
His chance for survival is slight.
There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
Exceedingly hard to get onto,
But when you get there,
And have parted the hair,
You can fuck her as much as you want to.
Though the invalid Saint of Brac
Lay all of his life on his back,
His wife got her share,
And the pilgrims now stare
At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
He constructed a bed
Out of tree trunks and said,
"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has the east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit,
Or is it the faulty perspective?"
Two roosters in one of our pens
Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
As they looked at their foreskins
And wished they had more skins,
They discovered they'd both become hens.
Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smith he sat,
Amusing himself
By abusing himself
And catching the load in his hat.
Une joile epousetta a Tours
Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
Mais le mari disait, "Non!
De trop n'est pas bon!
Mon derriere exige du secours!"
Visas erat: huic geminarum
Dispar modus testicularum:
Minor haec nihili,
Palma triplici,
Jam fecerat altera clarum.
"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
"And told my wife to try it on top.
She bounced for an hour,
Till she ran out of power,
And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
By all of the lads in his class
He said, with a yawn,
"Now the novelty's gone
And it's only a pain in the ass."
"Well, madam," the bishop declared,
While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
"'Twere better, perhaps,
In the crypt or the apse,
Because sex in the nave must be shared."
When I was a baby, my penis
Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
But now 'this as red
As her nipples instead--
All because of the feminie genus!
When he tried to inject his huge whanger
A young man aroused his girl's anger.
As they strove in the dark
She was heard to remark,
"What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
"Was he modest or vain?"
"Was he regal or plain?"
She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
While Titian was mixing rose madder,
His model reclined on a ladder.
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
While out on a date in his Fiat,
The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
As he bent down to seek,
She let out a shriek:
"That's not where it's likely to be at."
While spending the winter at Pau
Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
So the head-porter made her
And the second-cook laid her;
The waiters were all hanging low.
Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.
There once was a reverend at Kings
Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
But his heart was on fire
For a boy in the choir
Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
Floating idly one day through the air,
A circus performer named Blair,
Tied a sizeable rock,
To the end of his cock,
And shattered a balcony chair.
"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
You have made much fine verse on
Each part of my person,
Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock
And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a good public school,
So he took down their britches
And buggered those bitches
With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
"The vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker,
And longer and stronger than you."
-- Abuses of the Clergy
Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"This must be our final adieu,
For the vicar is slicker,
And thicker, and quicker,
And two inches longer than you."
There was an old Scot named McTavish
Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
The object of rape
Was the wrong sex of ape,
And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes
it even worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine.
Back in the 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles,
Playboy was considered just about the raciest thing around, even though
all it ever showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of
these breasts would have provided adequate shelter for a family of
four, but the overall effect was no more explicit than many
publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
impression.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
it because the court was going to take a nap.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is
better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke.
There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his
funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had
supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs
make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
and great art to make life not so serious.
-- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
It was April the 41st,
Being a quadruple leap year.
I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
My Barracuda was in the shop,
So I was in a rented stingray
-- and it was over-heating.
So, I pulled into a Shell station.
They said I'd blown a seal.
I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
life out of it, okay pal?"
-- Wet Dreams
A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
kissing him on the balls.
-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"
Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?"
M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
open a fuckin' savings account!"
Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt being giving you any trouble?"
Get your bytes from our backend!
-- Britton Lee
Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot
of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay
for his own drinks.
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have
stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the
way when they try to be serious."
"Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
into the ether and the cocaine."
"Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just
chew it up like baseball gum."
I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with
the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then
screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from
the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just
did to us?"
-- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A
waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?"
"I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter
returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything
with our hands," he explained.
The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even
have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this
little piece of string attached to my apron?"
"Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
"But how do you put it back?"
"I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but I
use the tongs."
There once was a girl from Madras
Who had such a beautiful ass -
It was not round and pink
(As you bastards think)
But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
There once was a lawyer named Rex
With minuscule organs of sex.
Arraigned for exposure,
He maintained with composure:
"De minimis non curat lex."
There once was a man from Bombay
He would do it all night and all day
He soon became sore
You shoulda' heard him roar
When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
There once was a monk of Camyre
Who was seized with a carnal desire
And the primary cause
Was the abbess's drawers
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who noticed her lovers were few;
So she walked out her door
With a fig leaf, no more,
And now she's in bed - with the flu.
There was a young lady from Spain
Who demurely undressed on a train.
A helpful young porter
Helped more than he orter,
And she promptly cried "Help me again!"
There was a young lady named Rose
With erogenous zones in her toes.
She remained onanistic
Till a foot-fetishistic
Young man became one of her beaux.
To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
"Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
The looks that mell, the claws that and through
catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
sought-- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
And paused to smoke some pot.
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
Did you know that some people your age have sex
thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after?
War is menstruation envy.
18th Rule of Friendship:
A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof to
install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you ever saw.
-- Esquire, May 1977
Love comes in spurts.
Women -- can't live with 'em, can't
leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
'em by the curb when you're done.
Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
Confucious say man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
Lick-a-dee-clit!
One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."