2.11BSD/src/games/fortune/obscene
... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
concerned...
I gan noo wha ma organs gan
When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
And iver her purse was wet.
But old Sir Oswald allus stank
Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
What I have done without.
But ere ye come to draw ma heart
Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
Afore I have a pee.
-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
%%
6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
%%
68:
Do me now and I'll owe you one.
%%
69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
%%
A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
more than a year.
"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
downed his drink and left disgustedly.
A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
this part of town?"
"Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
'round here would know?"
"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
"Seven!?"
"Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
%%
A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
of the bar.
The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him,
blanched and ran out of the bar.
The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
%%
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
that he had ever eaten.
"Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
kind of meat is it?"
"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
"Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
"Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
%%
A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
to his death.
"DUMB YANKEE."
%%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
"Well, sure," said the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a gallon
or two."
%%
A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few
minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between
them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend
the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her
partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the
morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous
night he decides that he wants to be honest with his lover. Without even
bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks
deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
you -- I'm Thor!".
The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
like grated cheeth!"
%%
A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
%%
A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise
at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
this barren bit of land.
"Almost twenty years," he answered.
"Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
"Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
replied.
"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
"What's that?" He looked puzzled.
Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked
how he had enjoyed it.
"Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
%%
A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he
would send his wife a telegram saying,
"Can't come home yet. Still buying."
His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
she wired him,
"Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
%%
A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
%%
A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
%%
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
%%
A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
most men know it's there, but few really care.
%%
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left
to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the
other end."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No. Down there."
The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
penis."
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
that woman."
%%
A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
drowned in the lake!"
"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
more chain than he can swim with?"
%%
A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
%%
A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
"If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
%%
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
hard it was to get any sleep.
"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
%%
A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
-- Bobby Knight
%%
A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
%%
A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
German Air Force.
He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
%%
A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
girl there.
"This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie."
"What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
"This frog can eat pussy."
The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much
discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his
owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
"Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
"C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
By now, the girl is laughing openly.
"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
only going to show you one more time."
%%
A hard man is good to find.
%%
A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
"Saunders, help me please!"
"But what is it, Madame?"
"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
%%
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted,
"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
%%
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
this here corn liquor?"
"Got one right here," replied the guard.
The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
want killed?"
%%
A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I
can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out
and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered,
"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
%%
A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the
husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their
wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
"Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin."
Naturally, the husband is surprised.
"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
virgin?"
"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
computer programmer."
"What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be
a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
tell me how great it was going to be."
%%
A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
anything to show my gratitude."
"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
and take that damn dog for a walk!"
%%
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
%%
A man never minds being in the doghouse
as long as he can get his tail outside.
%%
A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
them one after another.
"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
"No thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
%%
A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
the train platform.
"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
"Glad to do it," said the other man.
"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
"It was a pleasure," said the man.
"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
"she was a truly great lay."
The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
Sam is a helluva nice guy."
%%
A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
is eight-year-old Scotch."
The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
is on the house."
A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which
the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
%%
A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can
be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man
thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood
shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I
was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "for a Catholic priest in
a little town in South Dakota it doesn't seem so bad."
%%
A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
He arrived in Needles CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
hasn't been your day, has it?"
%%
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
%%
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
%%
A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
%%
A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little
girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
another one was going to show up."
%%
A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
%%
A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
the pressure.
"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
foreman. "The other men swear by it."
The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
every day!"
"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
other men replied.
"Why not then?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
%%
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-- Phyllis Schlafly
%%
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
%%
A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
%%
A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
true to the very end of the end of a friend.
%%
A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in
mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented
octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door
the next morning, he asked the octopus,
"Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
night!"
%%
A person who has both feet planted firmly
in the air can be safely called a liberal.
%%
A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
%%
A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
%%
A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
%%
A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say,
Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were
all of 'em dead?"
Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them Mex'cans lie."
%%
A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
for fun at the lad's expense.
"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
give him the proper size.
"I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a
half interest in the store."
%%
A spinster in Kalamazoo
Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
She was seized by the nape,
And fucked by an ape,
And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
A man with a prick
Half as stiff and as thick
As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
%%
A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
attendant.
"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
about the same."
%%
A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under
a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing
uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
%%
A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
%%
A virgin is chaste.
%%
A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
%%
A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were,
expressed this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying:
"Coitus is merely an unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
masturbation is "by no means harmless"
%%
A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers.
-- Blind Lemon Pledge
%%
A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought
out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl
who uses bad words?"
"Who told you?"
"A little bird," answered the mother.
"Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been
feeding the little bastards, too!"
%%
A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
my pantyhose."
%%
A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
%%
A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
settle for a kiss."
The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
%%
ADULTERY:
Putting yourself in someone else's position.
%%
AI hackers do it robotically.
%%
AI hackers do it with robots.
%%
AMBITION:
An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
%%
ANXIETY:
The first time you can't do it a second time.
PANIC:
The second time you can't do it the first time.
%%
APL hackers take all they want.
%%
ARKANSAS:
Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
%%
Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
Her figurehead They filled his ass,
A whore in bed, With broken glass,
Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcized the skipper.
The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
Once round the deck, They nailed her tits,
Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits,
And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table.
The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy,
And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy,
When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock,
And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock,
Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy!
%%
Achilles' Biological Findings:
(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
-- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
%%
Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
%%
After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
love to men?"
"That's MY business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said. "A professional."
%%
After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted
for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
"Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
"Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
%%
After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
"N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
"I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
"Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
"Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will
embarrass us.
"Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that
nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?"
"Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
sister."
A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said,
"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
%%
After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
"You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
"So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
find one at three in the morning?"
%%
Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
"That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?"
"Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
down."
%%
"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains
the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
%%
All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
%%
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ,
a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.
%%
All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons,
All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings,
All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom,
The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet,
All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid.
All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin?
The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
-- Monty Python
%%
Always talk to your wife while you're
making love... if there's a phone handy.
%%
America cannot be sold a can of beer without
being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
-- Julius Lester
%%
An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
%%
An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before
officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san."
Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy."
When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
Bonsai!"
Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san!"
The prime minister turned to the Aggie and exclaimed, "What do you
mean, wrong hole?"
%%
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
%%
An Army travels on her stomach.
%%
An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
said the the soldier.
"My name is Mary," said the woman.
"And mine is Joseph," said the man.
"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
"To Bethlehem."
"Your reason for going there?"
"To pay our taxes to the government."
"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
Ricans?"
%%
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
%%
And the northern lights commenced to glow.
And she said, with a tear in her eye,
"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
-- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
%%
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her
companion.
"See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!"
%%
Another stupid gay joke!!!
You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
%%
Another nun joke!!!
You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
%%
Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
%%
"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
posh hotel.
"No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
a postcard?"
%%
Apple owners do it with mice!
%%
As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
%%
As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
%%
As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
than the average asshole on the street.
-- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
%%
Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
%%
At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over
the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
NOT my rectum!"
"Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
"I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
"Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
numbers on it!"
%%
Australia's a lovely land
It's full of bonza blokes,
Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
Except in Pommie jokes.
Australians are lovely chaps
They're God's own chosen race.
If they ever see a fairy Pom
They'll smash him in the face.
Australians like dressing up
In skirts and having fun
And that's all we were doing
When the Vice Squad came along.
-- Monty Python
%%
B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
%%
BALTIMORE:
Where the women wear turtleneck
sweators to hide their flea collars.
%%
BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
%%
BEEF STROGANOFF:
A bull masturbating.
%%
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
The single girl's motto.
%%
BOHICA:
Bend over, here it comes again.
%%
BRUNETTE BUSH:
The dark side of the moon.
%%
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
%%
Balls Law:
The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
%%
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
%%
Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
too fast."
%%
Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%%
Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
For her life held no terrors.
A virgin born, a virgin died:
No hits, no runs, no errors.
%%
Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
They buried him today,
He lived the life of Riley,
While Riley was away.
%%
Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
%%
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
%%
Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
%%
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
friend asked him how it went.
"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
%%
Bitch, bitch, bitch --
That's all I ever hear,
Ever since the dog ate the baby,
"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
%%
Blow it out your ass!
%%
Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
Held venal traffic with a gnu.
Mistaking fore for aft one morn
Impaled herself upon its horn.
Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun
our furred and feathered friends.
%%
Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
%%
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%%
But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
calf they were sucking hind teat...
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
the front of the bus."
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
%%
But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The
latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
bunch of knuckles.
-- Harlan Ellison
%%
But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
-- S.I. Hayakawa
%%
CAD:
A man who doesn't tell his wife
that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
%%
CHRISTIAN:
One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%%
CHRISTIAN:
One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
%%
CINDERELLA 10:
A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
%%
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
We'll be of the opposite sex.
Chorus:
Clone, clone of my own,
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when we're alone,
Since her mind is my own,
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
-- Randall Garrett
%%
COCK-SUCKER:
Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
%%
COITUS INTERRUPTUS:
A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
"I want to have your child."
%%
COLD:
When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
%%
COMPUTER PERSONALS:
SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English.
Have moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries
only. Discreet. Fortune Box 1910.
%%
COMPUTERFIRM NYMPHOMANIAC:
Hot Apple pie.
%%
CONFUSION:
Father's Day in San Francisco.
%%
CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST:
A roll in bed with some honey.
%%
COORS:
Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
%%
CORPORATE VIRGIN:
A woman who's new to the firm.
%%
COURAGE:
Two cannibals having oral sex.
%%
COYOTE LOVE:
Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
chew off your arm at the shoulder.
%%
Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
%%
Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
Said the rector, "My gracious,
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
%%
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
%%
"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructued his
client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
a hole in the ground."
%%
Chaste makes waste.
%%
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
%%
Chorus:
I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
I don't want a bullet up me ass 'ole,
I don't want me pecker blown away,
I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
And fornicate me bloody life away!!
Monday I touched her on the ankle,
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
And Thursday I saw you know what,
Friday I put me hand upon it,
Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
And now she pays me forty quid a week!
Oh, blimey...
[chorus]
%%
Christmas comes but once a year,
A time for love and laughter;
You can come much more than that,
But you have to clean up after.
%%
Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead.
%%
Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
%%
Cocaine's a joke!
(Who's got the next line?)
%%
Coito ergo sum
%%
Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together.
Live as ascetically as possible... that is the only possible
way for me to endure marriage. But she?
-- Franz Kafka
%%
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
%%
Communists do it without class.
%%
Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
%%
Confucious say:
man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
boy who play with himself pulls boner.
woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
%%
Confucious say:
woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
man who fights with wife, gets not peace at night.
child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
turn out to be shiftless bastard.
%%
Confucius say:
Man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
%%
Copa-ulation:
(to the tune of Copacabana)
Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
Won't you order one?
At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
But a real good time ...
%%
Cox's philosophy:
Life's a bitch, then you die.
%%
Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
%%
Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
%%
DIAPHRAGM:
A childproof cap.
%%
DICKER:
What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
%%
DIVORCE:
A change of wife.
%%
DYKE:
A woman who kick-starts her vibrator.
%%
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
%%
Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
%%
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!!
%%
"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
%%
"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
"But this is different," protested her husband.
"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
Now tell me what our problem is."
"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
bastard child."
%%
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
married?"
He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
I've always been especially fond of married women."
%%
David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
%%
Dear Abby:
I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was
a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my
sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother
is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very
much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
Sincerely,
Undecided.
%%
Dear Abby:
I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I
think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember
from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do?
--Confused
Dear Confused:
If she coughs, fuck her.
%%
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
This visage meek and humble,
And hear this confidential plea
Voiced in reverent mumble:
Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
-- Ansel Adams
%%
Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
%%
Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make
him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
put one in whatever he's drinking."
Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped
up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
they were aspirin.
When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
"See that mosquito?" he replied.
%%
Hear about...
the French soldier who kissed his wife's
cheeks before he went to the front?
%%
Hear about...
the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
%%
Hear about...
the nurse they thought had drowned
until they found her under the doc?
%%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%%
Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
%%
Do something big -- fuck a giant.
%%
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
%%
Do you smoke after sex?
Why, do you know, I've never looked!
%%
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
%%
Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him?
-- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
%%
Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
%%
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-- Bo Diddley
%%
Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
%%
Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
%%
Draft beer, not boys!
%%
Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
-- Grace Slick
%%
Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
%%
During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
%%
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
%%
EE's do it without shorts.
%%
EMBARRASSMENT:
Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
%%
Eat shit and die a virgin!
%%
Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
%%
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
1) Cucumbers can stay up all night,
and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
3) You won't find out later that your cucumber
...is married
...is on penicillin
...likes you -- but loves your brother!
4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
%%
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
%%
Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
%%
Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
%%
Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
%%
Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"
The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
"Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
fail me."
%%
FALSIE SALESMAN:
Fuller bust man.
%%
FELT TIP:
Past tense for a breast examination!
%%
FEMALE:
Life support system for a pussy.
%%
FORNICATION:
Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
%%
FUCKOFF:
The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
%%
Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full
of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
-- James Joyce
%%
Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
She was a virgin tried and true
Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
There ain't nothin' she won't do!
Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
That's why caviar is my dish!
Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
He was a man of ninety-three
Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
He had chased her up a tree!
(chorus)
%%
Fie for shame,
you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
%%
Fig Newton.
%%
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
town."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
"Oh, no, you're not."
"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
%%
Floppy now, hard later.
%%
For children, a woman.
For pleasure, a boy.
For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
%%
For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was
raised!
%%
For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was
over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
sweetheart?"
He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
cocksucker!"
%%
For the man who has everything ... penicillin IV.
%%
Fortune's Guide to Movies:
G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
%%
Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%%
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The
moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
whispered,
"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad
so I can slip you nine inches?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
"You know, I really don't think you could get it up
three times in a row!"
%%
Fuck art; let's dance!
%%
Fuck off and die!
%%
Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
%%
GAY:
One who'd rather swish than fight.
%%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
%%
GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
%%
GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
A girl into choral sex.
%%
GREAT LOVER:
A man who can breathe through his ears.
%%
Gross, adj.:
When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
%%
Gross, adj.:
When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
slips you some tongue.
%%
Gynecologist, n:
Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
%%
Gardeners do it in raised beds.
%%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Because George still had the axe in his hand.
%%
Getting an education at the University of California
is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
%%
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand!
%%
Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
%%
Give me Librium or give me Meth.
%%
Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
%%
God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment.
Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%%
God is a polythiest.
%%
God is an atheist.
%%
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
%%
God is not dead -- he's been busted.
%%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%%
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
%%
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
%%
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
%%
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
%%
Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
%%
Grain grows best in shit.
-- U.K. LeGuin
%%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%%
HACKER:
A master byter.
%%
HAGGIS:
Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf
or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed
and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and...
[Excuse me a minute. Ed.]
%%
HAPPINESS:
Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
%%
HENPECKED HUSBAND:
One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
%%
HERMIT:
A man who'd rather get off by himself.
%%
HERPES:
The final proof that 'tis better to
give than to receive. Much better.
%%
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just
like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents
today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the
male or female edition.
%%
HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right!
Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
%%
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today!
%%
HONOR:
Almost as good as in 'er.
%%
HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and
be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
the keys.
%%
HYPOCRITE:
A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
%%
Hackers do it bottom-up.
%%
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
%%
Hackers do it with bugs.
%%
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
%%
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
%%
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
%%
Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema?
%%
Handy hint:
A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
when you're out of tampons.
%%
Hang gliders come down very slowly.
%%
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference
between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses
his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
-- Tom Robbins
%%
Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
a stretcher.
"But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
"Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good,
feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?"
Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
"Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either."
Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!"
%%
Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President?
"I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."
-- Steven Moore
%%
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-- R.E. Masters
%%
He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
-- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
%%
He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
a pocket camera?
-- An Exciting Journey
%%
He drank with curvy Mable,
The pace was fast and furious,
He slid beneath the table,
Not drunk but merely curious.
%%
He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey
hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
"We've got her here, but only for the day."
The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided
that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
"Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching
a girl trying to make it with a dog.
"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really
great!"
The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here
a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
%%
He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
%%
He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
scared it'd get serious.
%%
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor --
Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States.
It's the only job he's qualified for!
-- Michael Cain
%%
He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
%%
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
%%
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
%%
He: Am I... am I your first?
She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
%%
He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
%%
Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
%%
Hear about the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
%%
Hear about the young lady raped in San Francisco?
By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
%%
Hear the sad story of the Greek fisherman who got his upper torso
wedged into the porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
%%
Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
%%
"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
"Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
"Do it alone?"
"Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
"How would that help?"
"Used a whip."
%%
Heisenberg may have done it.
%%
"Hello, Police Department."
"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
"What's the matter, mister?"
"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
%%
Hello, children!!
This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your own fortune. Hello.
Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** ** ******* *******
** ***** ********* **** ****** with a melon.
Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ********
and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun *** *****
**** ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
%%
Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.)
%%
Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
%%
Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
He spent his life in a futile hunt,
To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
%%
Here's to the girl that's sweet,
Here's to the girl that's true,
Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
the rest of the night?
%%
Here's to the woman beautiful and devine
she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
%%
He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
-- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
%%
He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
%%
Hey baby!
How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
%%
Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
%%
Honest, officer, had I known my health was
in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
%%
How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
%%
"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette
secretary of her blonde companion.
"Fishing through the ice," she said.
"Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
"Olives."
%%
How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle.
We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
%%
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
-- John Valby
%%
"How'd you get that flat?"
"Ran over a bottle."
"Didn't you see it?"
"Damn kid had it under his coat."
%%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
%%
Did you hear about...
the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
%%
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
A: BOING, BOING!!!
%%
Did you hear about...
the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
%%
A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
His moment of sexual truth.
He'd expected to fall
On a womb's spongy wall
But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
%%
Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers.
%%
Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
A: He couldn't help it.
Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
%%
Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
justified himself. "No no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
%%
One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and
turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
%%
Women, can't live with them, can't leave
them by the curb when you're done with 'em.
%%
Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
%%
I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
%%
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
%%
I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
%%
Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
%%
There was a young woman called Pearl
Who quite resembled a churl;
When she asked a young man named Tex
Whether he would like to have sex,
"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
%%
Assassins do it from behind.
%%
When in calling, plain speaking is out;
When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
-- Ogden Nash
%%
Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his
window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so*
good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and
the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but
great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply,
"Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he
dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window,
Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
asshole! I'm in the West, now!"
%%
If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
%%
Yesterday is a memory,
Tomorrow is a vision,
Today is a bitch!
%%
Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
like hours.
"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
and went back to where his companion was waiting.
"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife
and the other's my mistress!"
"I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back
before reaching the green.
"What's wrong?" Bill asked.
"Small world, isn't it?"
%%
Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, but upon overhearing
the 22-year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for
her. The determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous
self-improvement program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran
five miles every day, lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet.
Within months, the rejuvenated old man won the young woman's heart, and she
agreed to marry him.
On the way out of the chapel, however, Haroled was fatally struck
by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How
could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
recognize you."
%%
A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
"First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
%%
Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
%%
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
-- Steve Martin
%%
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
%%
I came; I saw; I fucked up.
%%
I can't quite put my finger on it, but
something about you pisses me off.
-- Peter Knight
%%
I choked Linda Lovelace.
%%
I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
and wallowing in its odor.
-- Salvador Dali
%%
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof.
%%
I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
-- W.C. Fields
%%
I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
%%
"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
%%
I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet
scratching is one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
%%
"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
cows came home."
%%
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You must have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
-- Ogden Nash
%%
"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
it was enough to make a blown man cry."
%%
I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
-- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
%%
"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
"All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
like twenty more gallons of water.
The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
bricks."
%%
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-- Lyndon Johnson
%%
I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
%%
I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
with his secretary. If it's someone else's secretary, fine.
-- Barry Goldwater
%%
"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
"Oh, how can you tell?"
"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo."
%%
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
-- Frank Zappa
%%
I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
%%
I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
-- Firesign Theatre
%%
I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
%%
"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up
and stuck it in my back."
"What did you do?"
"What *could* I do? I married his daughter."
%%
I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
I wonder can she tell
That I've been raising hell;
Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
My wife is just as nice as can be,
I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
For an afternoon of joy,
Is hell on the old boy,
I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
%%
I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
%%
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
-- R. Geis
%%
Incest, n:
Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
%%
Infatuation, n:
When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
%%
I'd like to meet the man who invented
sex and see what he's working on now.
%%
I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
%%
If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
%%
If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
%%
If God had wanted people to give blow
jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
%%
If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
would He have made it look like a taco?
%%
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
%%
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
%%
If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
-- Tommy Earl Bruner
%%
If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
%%
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
%%
If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
%%
If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
%%
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is
only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them
in 1966, only two went back to women.
-- Mort Sahl
%%
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-- Art Hoppe
%%
If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
%%
If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
%%
If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
%%
If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
%%
If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
%%
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%%
I'm glad that I'm an American,
I'm glad that I am free,
But I wish I were a little doggy,
And McGovern were a tree.
%%
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
-- Groucho Marx
%%
"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my way."
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
%%
I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
-- J.F. Kennedy
%%
I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
%%
I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
I'm getting WARM....
I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!
Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
%%
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
-- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
%%
In France they piss on Main Street
(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
-- Joni Mitchell
%%
In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
sucked into it.
%%
In days of old, when knights were bold,
And rubbers weren't invented,
They tied their socks around their cocks
And babies were prevented.
%%
In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
Was the first time I ever laid down,
I was both proud and shy
As he opened his fly
And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
As it went in I made not a sound,
The more that he shoved it
The more that I loved it,
As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
%%
In my sweet little night gown of blue,
On the first night that I slept with you,
I was both shy and scared
As the bed was prepared,
And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
As we both watched the break of day,
And in peaceful submission I lay,
You said you adored it
But dammit, you tore it,
My sweet little night gown of blue.
%%
In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
%%
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form.
And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto
their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
%%
In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all
evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning
the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her
bed watching him. Finally, she said softly,
"Didn't you forget something?"
"What did I forget?" asked the officer.
"You forgot about the money," said the lady.
"Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
"A Polish officer never accepts money."
%%
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.
I asked as I tickled her tit
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
She said it would do
So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree
In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me.
In the soft dewy grass
I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass
As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see.
Her ass it was fine
But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.
%%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
%%
It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
%%
It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
%%
It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
%%
It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
Especially in a paternity hearing.
%%
It takes leather balls to play rugby.
(Blood makes the grass grow!)
%%
It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
They can kiss that shit goodbye.
%%
It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on
the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
"Tell us a story," begged Mary.
"Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?"
"Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
%%
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting
excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse
off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and
jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all
your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape
really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to
the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
%%
It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
"We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
answered sternly.
"OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman
at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would
you like?"
"Vinegar and water."
%%
It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
they beautiful?"
"Just fair," was the answer.
"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
asked his opinion.
"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
about."
"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now
you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs,
I'm a tit mouse myself."
%%
It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful
dream!"
Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again
and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another
sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
wife."
"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
you will!"
%%
It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on
their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been
married three times."
"Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman,
and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one
of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the
third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
would be up in 15 minutes.
%%
It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
"Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
country there's only one."
"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
that?"
"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
%%
It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking
upperclassman, he inquired,
"Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
"My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
sentences with a preposition."
"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
is at, asshole?"
%%
It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
of older women versus younger women
%%
"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
%%
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
%%
It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
%%
It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
%%
It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
%%
It's the sighs that count.
%%
I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the
gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The
four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs.
Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can.
Sincerely,
Santa
%%
I've finally found the perfect girl,
I couldn't ask for more,
She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
And owns a liquor store.
%%
Jack an Jill went up the hill.
Jill went down,
Jack came.
%%
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill
And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her,
Then went down and told the town
He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
Jack to Jill thus did such ill
That Jill, to pay the rotter,
Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill
When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter.
Half the town deals Jill a frown
And half greets Jack with laughter.
%%
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two and a half --
And you thought that they went for water.
%%
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candle stick,
And burnt his balls.
%%
Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
%%
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
%%
Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
%%
Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
Her voice was little more than a whisper.
"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
%%
John Birch Society:
That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
-- Edward P. Morgan
%%
Kasha, n:
Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?
I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you
much.
%%
Knowledge Engineering:
A combination of:
Engineering, n:
The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
and
Knowledge, n:
Sexual intercourse.
See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
%%
Kotex, n:
Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
%%
Kumquat, n:
Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact,
an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
during orgasm.
Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
%%
Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As
for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
-- Margaret Sangor
%%
Labia majora, n:
The curly gates.
%%
LAGNAF:
Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
%%
Lawyer, n:
Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
closely."
%%
LEPROSY
Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?
Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
Oh why did I get syphillis?
Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
-- To the tune of "Yesterday"
%%
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for
employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are
prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
%%
Lucky, adj:
When you have a wife and a cigarette
lighter -- both of which work.
%%
Luser, n:
Someone who picks up a female
hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
%%
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
%%
Lawyers do it to everyone.
%%
Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
%%
Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
%%
Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
%%
Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
%%
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
%%
Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
-- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
%%
Lisp hackers
... do it in CARS.
... do it with tail recursion.
... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
... have DEFUN while doing it.
... have to be bound to do it.
... have Moby dicks.
%%
Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother
told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra
hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next
morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
the night before.
"Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
"Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
your prayers have been answered."
Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
"Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
"I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
%%
Little Johnny with a grin,
Drank up all of daddy's gin,
Mother said, when he was plastered,
Go to bed, you little love-child.
%%
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
And bit her right in the snatch.
%%
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
%%
Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
%%
Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
-- James Thurber
%%
Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
%%
Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
%%
Macho, adj:
Jogging home from a vasectomy.
%%
Male, n:
Life support system for a cock.
%%
Marriage, n:
The evil aye.
%%
Menage a trois, n:
Using both hands to masturbate.
%%
Meteorologist, n:
A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
%%
Missionary position:
The missionary on top.
%%
Mistress, n:
Something between a mister and a mattress.
%%
Montana:
Where men are men and women are sheep.
%%
Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
%%
Man who dance in crowded ballroom
dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
%%
Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
%%
Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
%%
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
But she can never catch him at it.
%%
Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
%%
Many nice things suck.
%%
Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
%%
Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
%%
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
And every time she let it out,
The bulldog used to
Chase it around the garden.
%%
Mary had a little sheep,
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.
%%
Mary had a little watch;
She swallowed it one day.
And so she took some Ex-Lax
To pass the time away.
But when she took the Ex-Lax
The time it did not pass.
So when you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary's ...
Uncle, he has a watch, too.
%%
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
-- Woody Allen
%%
Mathematicians
... do it in groups.
... do it in theory.
... take it to the limit.
%%
Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
%%
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but they
jus' kept on a-comin'. And, as the U.S. fourth Calvary mounted the hill,
Tonto, cleverly disguised as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
%%
Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets
with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
Mickey : Oh?
Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
fuckin' Goofy.
%%
Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
And one fucked-up petunia.
%%
Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few
blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house.
His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
for breakfast tomorrow."
%%
Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
%%
Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
%%
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
%%
Moustache rides, 50 cents.
%%
Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one
problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him
time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him
that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
tonight. Now, don't you dare move."
Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to
the door.
Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
%%
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
be shared."
But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
with prawns,
Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
%%
Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
%%
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.
He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.
%%
My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
back and dig her up.
%%
My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
%%
"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
a girl should not do before twenty."
"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
audience, either."
%%
My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
%%
Navel, n:
A place to stash your gum on the way down.
%%
Necrophilia, n:
Dropping in for a cold one.
%%
NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
our "Big John" doll.)
%%
New York:
Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
%%
NEWSFLASH!!
Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
It was. Age 31.
%%
Nothing, n:
A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
%%
Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire
naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
-- Lewis Carroll
%%
Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
%%
Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
%%
Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based
on a resume written by a professional liar?
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%%
Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
%%
New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
it's the asshole of the universe.
-- Jonathan Michael Smith
%%
Nice computers don't go down.
%%
Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
%%
Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
so the lid won't stay up.
2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
or speculate about your next one.
7: A taco will never make a scene because
there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
8: It's easy to drop a taco.
9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
%%
OLD FELLA RED CLARET
Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the
slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
%%
Oral sex, n:
The taste of things to come.
%%
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
That got run over with my mower.
One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
It landed by the kitchen door.
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
that ain't gonna walk no more...
-- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
%%
Oh John, let's not park here.
Oh John, let's not park.
Oh John, let's not.
Oh John, let's.
Oh John.
Oh.
%%
Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
%%
Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
%%
Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cubbard,
To get her poor doggie a bone.
But when she stooped over,
Old Rover, he drove her.
You see, he had a bone of his own.
%%
On Brassieres:
Russian: Uplifts the masses.
Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
American: Makes mountains out of molehills.
%%
On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find
a man making love to the corpse.
"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
that woman is dead!"
"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
"I thought she was an American!"
%%
Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go
to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
gonna back to Italy.
%%
Once upon a girl there was a time...
%%
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
%%
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When
she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
down."
So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
%%
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
%%
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and
somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious
enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said,
"Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly
and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
all his might.
"Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
%%
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
sleeping in my bed!"
And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
%%
Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
%%
One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
Finally the office boy was brought in.
"I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been
playing around with my secretary?"
"N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything
like that, sir."
"All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
%%
One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
little dog.
What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over,
he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
"Blossom," she replied.
"What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your
parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
"Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She
thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and
walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he
inquired.
"Porky," was the child's reply.
Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
"Because he likes to fuck pigs."
%%
One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
just jumped out with my knapsack."
%%
One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car,
he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
Two weeks later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating
the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you
with my car once, remember?"
"Course I'll help you, little feller," roared the lion. "I'll just
lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
"Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes
to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
%%
One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need
to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
call a doctor.
"There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
much hope."
Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?"
"George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
%%
One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
%%
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM."
With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying
various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
all of its field strength.
Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her
solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
each others fuses.
-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
%%
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable
testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking,
"What trip?"
%%
One should be cherry of virgins.
%%
One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
"Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an
instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back
into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
"Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost
dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday,
grandpa.", he remarks.
"Yep, I know. This is from your grandma."
%%
One who does not know a burro from a burrow
does not know his ass from a hole in the ground!
%%
Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
%%
Operators mount anything!
%%
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one,
but nobody wants to look at the other guy's.
-- Hal Hickman
%%
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
and I will lead you to the promised land."
Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
%%
PENIS ENVY:
The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
%%
PHILADELPHIA FLYING FUCK:
Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
him orally.
[Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if
you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.]
%%
PLAYGIRL, Inc.
Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
Dear Sir:
Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
us.
Sympathetically,
Amanda L. Smith
p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
%%
POCKET POOL:
Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
For girls, it's playing the slots.
%%
POLISH FLY:
You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
%%
PREMATURE EJACULATOR:
Troubled shooter.
%%
PUBIC HAIR:
Organic dental floss.
%%
Painters do it with even strokes.
%%
Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
%%
People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
%%
People who write position papers often find themselves in an
enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
position.
A good position paper will have many words in it like
"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
semicolon.
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%%
Physicists do it with charm.
%%
Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
%%
Politicians do it to everyone.
%%
Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex.
Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing.
Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex.
%%
Pouring out his troubles to his great and good friend over a couple of
triple martinis, Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well
at home. "My wife and I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying
to Bart. "I hate to admit it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to
make her happy."
"Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me
give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell
your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
bottom window."
"Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
"Just whistle."
"Whistle?"
"That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear
you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
%%
Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
%%
Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
%%
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
%%
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
%%
Programmers do it bit by bit.
%%
Prostitution is the only business where you
can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
%%
Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
And other kosher stuff.
Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
%%
Q. Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
A. He's the only one with a duck.
Q. Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
A. He's the only one who bets on the duck.
Q. And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
A. The duck wins!
%%
Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
%%
Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
A: Real men don't care.
%%
Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
%%
Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
A: By the stiff upper lip.
%%
Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
A: Who cares?
%%
Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: She answered the iron.
Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
A: They called back.
%%
Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
A: Cusinart.
Q: How do you get them back out?
A: Doritos.
%%
Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
A: Propose.
%%
Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No -- so it must work pretty well!
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries!!!
%%
Q: How do you know your elephant had her period?
A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
%%
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
%%
Q: How do you tell if two elephants have
been making love in your backyard?
A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
%%
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse,
a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this
over and over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth
and nose, and breath normally."
%%
Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
A: When his cock tastes like shit.
%%
Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
A: It isn't hard.
%%
Q: How does a mink get babies?
A: The same way babies get minks.
%%
Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
%%
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: NONE! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!!
%%
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take
to screw in a light bulb in San Fransisco?
A: Both of them.
%%
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying
it was without a man.
%%
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess,
what would Cheetah have been?
A: A fur coat.
%%
Q: What can you use used tampons for?
A: Tea bags for vampires.
%%
Q: What did Raggedy Anne say to Pinocchio as she was
sitting on his face?
A: Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!
%%
Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
%%
Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons?
A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so
many cases of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their
ewes has been discouraged.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Sheep don't have strings.
%%
Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
%%
Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
A: Trustworthy.
%%
Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
A: A transistor.
%%
Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A: Toys for twats.
%%
Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a
golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
A: Darling.
[Often? Ed.]
%%
Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
A: Parents.
%%
Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
%%
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
%%
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
A: A computer that won't go down on you.
%%
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
%%
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
your eyes...
%%
Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise?
%%
Q: What goes green, red, green, red, green, red, pink?
A: A frog in a blender.
Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak.
%%
Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: Half a nun.
%%
Q: What is green and comes in Brownies?
A: Boy Scouts.
%%
Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
A: Snowballs!
%%
Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
%%
Q: What's a WASPs idea of open-mindedness?
A: Dating a Canadian.
%%
Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
revolving doors?
A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
%%
Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A: A corpse.
%%
Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A: Chewing gum.
%%
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts.
%%
Q: What's red and has 7 dents?
A: Snow White's cherry.
%%
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About four drinks.
%%
Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
%%
Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
A: The weekend never comes too soon.
%%
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
A: Not everyone's been in a fast car.
%%
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky is when you use the whole bird...
%%
Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
A: It stays dark all night.
%%
Q: What's the difference between your girlfriend and the Titanic?
A: Only 1100 men went down on the Titanic.
%%
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a
grasshopper's mind when he hits your windshield?
A: His ass.
Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go
through a grasshopper's mind when he hits your windshield?
A. Oh, SHIT!!
%%
Q: What's white and crawls up your leg?
A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
%%
Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
%%
Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
A: To the batpoles, Robin!
%%
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep.
%%
Q: Where'd your girlfriend get those crow's feet?
A: From squinting and saying, "Suck what!?"
%%
Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
A: Because she's dead.
%%
Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
%%
Q: Why did God invent booze?
A: So ugly men could get laid too.
%%
Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
A: She'd never been taught to say no.
%%
Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A: To impress Jodie Foster.
%%
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
Jo Kopechne drowned?
A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
%%
Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts?
A: Because they can.
%%
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest firest.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
%%
Q: Why do men marry women?
A: You can't teach sheep to do housework.
%%
Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
A: Very few of them know how to dance!
%%
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
%%
Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
A: So you can watch the expression on its face.
%%
Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
A: Because 8 inches isn't enough.
%%
Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
%%
RANDEL:
A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
apology for farting at a friend.
-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual,
Obscure & Preposterous Words
%%
REAL BUDDY:
Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs,
and come back and give you one.
%%
REFORMED:
A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
%%
REJECTION:
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
%%
ROWING:
Eight big men and their cute little cox.
%%
RUGBY:
A sport requiring leather balls.
%%
Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy.
Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!!
%%
Reach out and fuck someone.
%%
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
On a bad trip
When the cops come
When I lose my head
I simply take more of my favorite drugs
And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
-- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things"
%%
Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
%%
Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
champagne is the best tenderizer.
%%
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking
pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
the other.
-- Jules Feiffer
%%
Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
%%
Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
%%
Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
%%
SMALL:
Is it in yet?
%%
SPINSTER:
Unlusted number.
%%
SUCCESSFUL CUNNILINGUS:
When you wake up the next morning
with a face like a frosted doughnut.
%%
SUGAR DADDY:
A man who can afford to raise cain.
%%
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
Let V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let P be a constant persuasion;
"Let V over P be inverted
With the square root of Mu inserted
N times into V ...
The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
%%
Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
the ashtray."
%%
Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
immensely profitable years in the construction business.
"You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
am I known as Sam the Builder? No.
And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
Sam the Philanthropist? No sir!
But suck one little cock..."
%%
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
%%
Save a forest - eat a beaver!
%%
Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
%%
Save the whales. Club a seal instead.
%%
"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
%%
Sex and drugs and UNIX.
%%
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
Is all my brain and body need.
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
Are very good indeed.
Take your silly ways,
Throw them out the window,
The wisdom of your ways,
I've been there and I know,
Lots of other ways...
-- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
%%
Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
%%
Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
%%
Sex is great,
Sex is grand,
Sex around here,
Is mostly by hand.
%%
Sex is just one damp thing after another.
%%
Sex is like a bridge game --
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
%%
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
%%
Sex is what women have and men want.
%%
Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
Let your pal be your guide.
And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
'cause it digs up your hat,
or has sex with your cat,
sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
%%
She asked me if I loved her still.
"Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way."
%%
She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
-- Dorothy Parker
%%
She hates testicles, thus limiting the men
she can admire to Democratic candidates for president.
-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
%%
She never liked zippers, she said,
Until she opened one in bed.
%%
She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
%%
She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and
unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
her on the top step.
"How dare you?" she demanded.
"Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
second time I thought we'd become good friends."
%%
She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
%%
Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
%%
Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
prick."
"Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I
assure you, that's a wee-wee."
%%
Sixteen'll get you twenty.
%%
Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted?
%%
Snow White:
"Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting seven inches...
but not an inch at a time!
%%
So, how's your love life?
Still holding your own?
%%
So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
-- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
%%
So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation
has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week
and we've got no money left for food."
"Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
"Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
You're going to have to go out and hustle."
"Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?"
"It's the only way," he said.
Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came
staggering in early the next morning.
"How did you do?" asked the husband.
"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
"Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?"
"Everybody," she said.
%%
So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
Polacks who --"
"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
The salesman thought for a moment.
"That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
%%
So you fucked up... you trusted us!
-- Animal House
%%
Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
-- Hair
%%
Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
%%
Some women are like musical glasses.
To keep them in tune they must be wet.
-- Samuel Coleridge
%%
Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
-- Risky Business
%%
Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
Faculty members especially welcome.
%%
Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
%%
Statisticians probably do it.
%%
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
%%
Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
-- James P. Hogan
%%
Support the Girl Scouts!
(Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
%%
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
%%
Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
%%
TAXIDERMIST:
A man who mounts animals.
%%
TEAR LEATHER:
To become excited, as in the sentence
"Robin Hood tore his leather jerkin' off."
%%
TEARING OFF A QUICKY:
Gunning the jump.
%%
TEXAN:
A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
%%
THE PERFECT WOMAN:
Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest your drink.
%%
THORNY:
A thailor at thea.
%%
TOURIST:
A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
%%
TRUST ME:
Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother,
and the horse she rode in on."
%%
TRUST:
Two cannibals having oral sex.
%%
Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond!
%%
Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
%%
Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
Take two at the very most.
Take three and you're under the table,
Take four and you're under the host.
%%
Test makers do it:
A: sometimes
B: always
C: never
%%
That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
%%
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
"So?"
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
%%
The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
-- New Libertarian Notes, #19
%%
The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
"I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
still in."
%%
The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops
for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
"Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"
%%
The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
%%
The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
%%
The Snack
Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
And am I not the master of my own?
Nothing to eat?
What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
-- L.L. Zeiger
%%
The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
nine. Candles out at ten."
%%
The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening,
when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly,
the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my
slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command.
Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let
me catch you wearing my things again."
%%
The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
%%
The blacksmith told me before he died,
And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
That no matter how he tried,
His wife was never satisfied!
And so he built a bloody great wheel,
Harnessed to a cock of steel,
Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
In and out went the cock of steel,
Till at last the maiden cried,
"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
And now we come to the crucial bit --
There was no way of stopping it.
And she was split from hole to hole,
And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
%%
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
"Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
%%
The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
-- Sidney J. Hurtubise
%%
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
%%
The computer is the ultimate polluter:
Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
%%
The country girl who became a city madam
has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
%%
The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
but not much good in a fight."
%%
The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
sees nothing but goyim..."
"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
you got problems. What about my son?"
%%
The difference between a lawyer and a rooster, is that
the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
%%
The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
%%
The difference between like and love is the
same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
%%
The difference between this school and a cactus plant
is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
%%
The difference between women and girls
is as much as twenty years in some states.
%%
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
from women."
"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
second best?"
%%
The early worm gets the bird.
%%
The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the
fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered
a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
"What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
"Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
top panted.
"You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
the captain yelled.
"I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied.
%%
The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch".
"What happened?"
"Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
%%
The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
%%
The girls that go to see a man's etchings
may not know art, but they know what they like.
%%
The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured
their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to
woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?"
The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said,
"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that
hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the
woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
%%
The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
%%
The greatest lies of all time:
(1) I love you.
(2) This won't hurt a bit.
(3) The Mercedes is paid for.
(4) The check is in the mail.
(5) I was just going to call you.
(6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
(7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
(8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
(9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
(10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
%%
The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
-- The morning after note reads:
Whiting, Barbara:
I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute
I wanted to byte your ear.
-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
-- The last straw:
Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
program and shows up an hour late.
You Don't...:
Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
You Do...:
Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
indicate a malfunction.
%%
The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
%%
The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
"That's two," he said.
Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
shot the horse between the eyes.
"You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
%%
The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
"Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
time?"
%%
The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
lovemaking.
"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
even if it's right inside the front door."
At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?"
the consultant asked.
"Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
absolutely wild!"
%%
The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment,
however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his
bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed.
An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!"
%%
The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
account of the wedding night's progress.
"It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
%%
The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100
gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws
has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time
resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
Fact is, I rather like it."
%%
The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
a baby brother."
"Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
puppy."
%%
The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor
were delivered in a welter of tears.
"Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't
see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
(blubber,blubber)!"
"Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
"and would you care to have them mounted?"
"Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends."
%%
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
%%
The moving finger having writ... gestures.
%%
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you
be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
%%
The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb
to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately
upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I
want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the
roost with my blessings."
The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only
a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again
took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
maintained a formidable lead.
Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
%%
The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
%%
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
%%
The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
"What IS your name?"
%%
The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
"Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
"Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
%%
The penis mightier than the sword.
%%
The pleasure is momentary,
The position ridiculous,
The expense damnable.
-- Chesterfield, on sex
%%
The plural of spouse is spice.
-- R.A. Heinlein
%%
The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private
secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his
private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the
third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me
into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
dollars. That's when he jumped out the window."
%%
The poor little doe
Crawled out of the woods,
Tired, bedraggled and blue.
"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
I should have asked for two!"
%%
The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he
noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
"Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
What is a blow job?"
Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
%%
The problem with being best man at a wedding
is that you never get a chance to prove it.
%%
The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
how is Brown going to get to Washington?
%%
The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
%%
The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
%%
The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
%%
The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
%%
The rich man uses vaseline,
The poor man uses lard;
The worker uses axle grease
But gets it twice as hard.
%%
The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was
certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
"Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
"There certainly is," she agreed.
"Some really bright stars in the sky."
She nodded.
"Some dew on the grass."
"Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
%%
The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said...
"It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
%%
The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
-- Diana Rigg
%%
The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
He fucks her.
She bites his head off.
-- From a Women's Lib Poster
%%
The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing
the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he
inquired.
The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
%%
The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly,
And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway,
To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting
And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day.
My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully
With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread,
I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window
Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head.
-- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
%%
The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
%%
The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
%%
The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
%%
The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They
were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late,
called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
%%
The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
"By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
"Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
%%
The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many
customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and
coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled
herself for a few moments and then snapped,
"I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
"So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
%%
The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
%%
The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
"I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
said.
"I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The
youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
nature. The bully!"
"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
"Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
%%
The whole world is about three drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart
%%
The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'. This is true in
almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have
attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in
silly puns about "standing erect".
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
%%
The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
"Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
"Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
%%
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
last weekend."
"I'm not suprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
%%
The young lady had an unusual list,
Linked in part to a structural weakness.
She set no preconditions.
%%
The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was
almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually
ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
%%
The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went
for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight
guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
%%
Then there was the girl who was engaged
to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
%%
Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses.
%%
Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he
went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on
well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American
dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so
they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to of the
nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
"See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got
for your lousy fifty bucks."
%%
There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred,
there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great,
there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted,
I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate.
I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted,
And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good.
And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed,
They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood.
You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs,
You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground.
You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found.
...Because...
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful,
spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine.
but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies,
semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine.
-- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
%%
There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
%%
There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
%%
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-- Gloria Steinem
%%
There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The
president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little
test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests
in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the
promotion? The one with the big tits!
%%
There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
from sex for thirty days.
Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
the first couple if they passed the test.
"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
to her right there."
"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
the Church after something like that."
"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
into Safeway anymore either."
%%
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
%%
There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many.
%%
There is nothing as overrated as a bad
lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
%%
There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.
Boring your friends about it is the sin.
-- Mama Liz
%%
There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass
And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.
Where seagulls flew over their nest.
She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.
And caused her to tickle and itch.
The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.
A sittin' out there on the rocks."
The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.
And crowded four deep to the rail.
All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.
...
"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.
And soon we will certainly find
If mermaids are better before or be... brave
My dear fellows," The captain cried out.
And cursing with spleen.
This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.
-- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt
%%
There once was a clergyman's daughter
Who detested the pony he bought her,
Till she found that its dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her.
She married a fellow named Tony
Who soon found her fucking the pony.
Said he, "What's it got,
My dear, that I've not?"
Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
%%
There once was a young man from France
Who waited ten years for his chance;
Then he muffed it...
%%
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
h
i
s
.
%%
There was a young fellow named Fyfe
Whose marriage was ruined for life,
For he had an aversion
To every perversion,
And only liked fucking his wife.
Well, one year the poor woman struck,
And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
And said, "Where have you gotten us
With your goddamn monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?
"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
And a versatile girl she was, too.
After ten years of whoredom
She perished of boredom
When she married a jackass like you!"
%%
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
At a quarter to nine,
They sat down to dine,
At twenty to ten it was in her.
The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
At a quarter to nine,
They sat down to dine,
And at twenty to ten it was up her.
Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
%%
There was a young fellow of Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
He had such a tool
It was wound on a spool,
And he reeled it out inich by inich.
But this tale has an unhappy finich,
For due to the sand in the spinach
His ballocks grew rough
And wrecked his wife's muff,
And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
%%
There was a young girl from New York
Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
A woodpecker or two
Made the grade it is true,
But it totally baffled the stork.
Till along came a man who presented
A tool that was strangely indented.
With a dizzying twirl
He punctured that girl,
And thus was the cork-screw invented.
%%
There was a young girl of Detroit
Who at fucking was very adroit:
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin-point, or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.
And she had a friend named Durand
Whose cock could contract or expand.
He could diddle a midge
Or the arch of a bridge --
Their performance together was grand!
%%
There was a young girl of LLewellyn
Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
They were big it is true,
But her cunt was big too,
Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
%%
There was a young harlot named Schwartz
Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
And they tickled so nice
She drew a high price
From the studs at the summer resorts.
Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
For according to rumor
His tool had a tumor
And a fine row of warts down the middle.
%%
There was a young lady from Munich
Who had an affair with a eunuch.
At the height of their passion
He dealt her a ration
%%
There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."
There was a young fellow named Locke
Who was born with a two-headed cock.
When he'd fondle the thing
It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
But whether these two ever met
Has not been recorded as yet,
Still, it would be diverting
To see him inserting
His whang while it sang a duet.
%%
There was a young man with a fiddle
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
She replied, "Yes, I do,
But prefer to with two --
It's twice as much fun in the middle."
%%
There was a young man with a prick
Which into his wife he would stick
Every morning and night
If it stood up all right --
Not a very remarkable trick.
His wife had a nice little cunt:
It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
And with this she would fuck him,
Though sometimes she'd suck him --
A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
%%
There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.
Said another young woman of Croft,
Amusing herself in the loft,
"A salami or wurst
Is what I'd choose first --
With bologna you know you've been boffed."
%%
There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
load!"
%%
There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them
the following pitch.
"Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?"
At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a
toothbrush?"
%%
There was something about her I liked,
but I couldn't put my finger on it.
%%
There's a vas deferens between men and women.
%%
There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
%%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
Way #27 -- Use an electric sander.
Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
Way #33 -- A bicycle pump.
%%
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex?
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
-- Billy Joel
%%
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
-- David Mairowitz
%%
These two project managers were walking through a residential area
one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
-- I wish I could do that!"
Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
%%
This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
come on over to the clinic."
"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
on a top hat, and come on over."
The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
%%
This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
the shit hit the fan?"
%%
This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
being so helpless.
"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
%%
This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
<sniffle>"
So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
away feeling wonderful.
Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
%%
This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks
the patient a week later.
"I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the
good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
%%
This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
"My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
"Do you always jog in the nude?"
"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
"Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
"Do you always wear a condom?"
"Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains."
%%
This here's the wattle
The emblem of our land
You can stick it in a bottle
Or you can hold it in your hand.
-- Monty Python
%%
This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He
obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging
off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
"What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
"Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
"Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
%%
This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
%%
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system.
If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it!
%%
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.
So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words.
Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
Di-dah di-dah di-dah?
Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
%%
This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night,
the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it
off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his
mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning.
During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his
prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing
a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying
dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
%%
This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
%%
This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
%%
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
%%
Thought:
Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
%%
Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
over in their tight pants.
"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little
costumes, and think of the holds."
"Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be
pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
%%
Three girls and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
The girls had been arrested for soliciting and the man was arrested for
selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
asked, pointing at the first girl.
"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
"Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
"Your honor, I'm an actress."
"Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
you?" he demanded.
"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
laid off."
"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
for a living?"
"Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
%%
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
%%
Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
-- Gore Vidal
%%
Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang.
-- An American astronaut
%%
Too ripped. Gotta go.
%%
Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
just before I came back to the States!"
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
%%
Two anglers were fishing off Wight
And his bobber was dipping all night.
Murmured she, with a laugh,
"It's ready to gaff,
But don't break your rod which is light."
A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
And said, "Bother the fish!
I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.
As two consular clerks in Madras
Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
"What a marvelous pole,"
Said she, "but control
Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
%%
Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
shum money from my wife."
The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
affect the husband.
"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
asked.
"Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
"The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
%%
Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
to be able to settle out of court."
%%
Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
"Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
"No, old man, what about him?"
"Last seen in Africa, you know."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love."
"Queer."
"Not Chumley. Female gorilla."
%%
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%%
Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
has cut me down to just once a week."
"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
two guys she's cut off altogether.
%%
Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island -
Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she
had been doing, she committed suicide.
Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
had been doing, they buried her.
Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
had been doing, they dug her back up.
%%
Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
do that."
The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
ought to get to know him a little first."
%%
Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply
was no.
The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin'
your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head.
At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
%%
Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
this ungodly hour?"
The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
watch."
He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
3 in the morning to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
%%
Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the
nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother
superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her
strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
what he does!"
To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
%%
Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?"
one asked his companion.
"I don't know."
"Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
American foods."
So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
%%
Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young
men remarked to his friend,
"Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
good for a man's virility?"
"Yes, why?" the friend replied.
"Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a
dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
%%
Unitarian, n:
A bunch of athiests who really like going to church.
%%
Unix programmers do it with pipes.
%%
Vagina, n:
The box a penis comes in.
%%
Vd, n:
The gift that keeps on giving.
%%
Virgin, n:
An ugly third grader.
%%
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
%%
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
%%
Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
which takes but one prick to break.
-- Jordan Sand
%%
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
in unusual sex practices?"
"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
queer."
%%
Wasp, n:
Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
%%
Wet dream, n:
Overnight sensation.
%%
SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
%%
Watch out for cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
%%
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
%%
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
-- James Watt, noted ecologist
%%
We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs
with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's
called civilization and its discontents.
-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
%%
We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
%%
We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible
roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was
screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses. "Never mind,"
I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning those
bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
%%
Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,
I hope they comin' for me!
And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,
I hope they doin' it for free!
They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!
First time that I got it I was just ten years old,
Got it from the kitty next door...
I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,
I think I got it some more!
Got a bad scratch fever...
-- T. Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
%%
Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.
Everybody, everbody's ass was bare,
No bras left, just a queer over there.
But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.
My baby's not a sports fan,
But she plays with balls whenever she can.
'Cause her favorite sport you see,
Is playing tonsil hockey.
[chorus]
Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
-- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
%%
Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
Excitable boy, they all said!
Well, he's just an excitable boy.
He took Sally Tompkins to the junior prom,
Excitable boy, they all said!
Then he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
Excitable boy, they all said!
Well, he's just an excitable boy.
After ten long years, they let him out of the home
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he dug up her grave, made a cage of her bones,
Excitable boy, they all said!
Well, he's just an excitable boy.
-- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
%%
Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked
her twice and slapped her.
%%
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
%%
We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people know is that the
poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, saying
"I don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
%%
We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According
to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.
%%
What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
%%
What the fuck, over?
%%
What this department needs is a really good inflatible doll.
%%
What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
Doo-doo, doo-doo.
-- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs
she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
%%
When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the end of his knob turns blue;
When it's bent in the middle like a broken fiddle,
He can tell a tale or two.
So find me a seat and stand me a drink
And a tale to you I'll tell
Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete When Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete
And the gentle Eskimo Nell. Go out in search of fun,
It's usually Dick who wields the prick
And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete And Mexico Pete the gun.
Are sore, depressed, and mad,
'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt There was rarely a day without a lay
So the shooting ain't so bad. And usually two or three
For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick
Was always like a tree.
-- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
%%
When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
%%
When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus:
In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man,
Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man,
Well, the men don't know,
They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand.
shot full of holes,
Nurse try to save a soul.
Killed her for murder first degree,
Judge what tried let the man go free.
Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
-- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
%%
When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally
honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking
Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
"I've got to lay you or Jack off."
"Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache."
%%
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by
a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
%%
When she hauled ass, it took three trips.
%%
When the candles are out all women are fair.
-- Plutarch
%%
When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
-- Old Jewish saying
[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.]
%%
When you and I are far apart
Can sorrow break your tender heart?
I love you darling, yes I do;
Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
All you are is a blossoming rose.
Night is here so I must close.
With care read the first word of each line.
You will find a question of mine.
-- Yours hopefully, The VAX.
%%
Which of the following doesn't belong?
a. meat
b. eggs
c. drum
d. blowjob.
Answer:
d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
%%
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the
executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection.
Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
mixed-up son of a bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
%%
While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens,
ten men are scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
-- Boccaccio
%%
While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
%%
While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
In thought on this and that,
A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit!
Why didst thou feel that my best hat
"Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?"
And brings joy to my heart.
But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang,
Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me,
For thy hat I thought was my nest,
I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree."
His words to better mull,
Then lifted up a paving block
And crushed his fucking skull.
-- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
%%
While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with
him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and
only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
girl with languorous eyes.
"Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
"Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
just go wild."
%%
While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
an explanation. She told him the whole story.
"Hmmm," mused the captian. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
%%
"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
night?" demanded the irate mother.
"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
"We did."
%%
Q: Why do women love Pacman?
A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
%%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their
reconciliation. Seems that when she left, she took his word
processor, and she's been renting it out occasionally in Japan.
That is, every now and then she gets a yen for his Wang.
%%
Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
%%
Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
%%
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
-- G. Gordon Liddy
%%
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for
the rest of them then she isn't good enough for you.
%%
Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
William with a thirst for gore,
Nailed the baby to the door.
Mother said, with humor quaint:
"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint."
-- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
%%
With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
"I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
"I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
"Okay. It's your wife."
"My wife!!"
"Yeah."
"What about her?"
Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
%%
Women should be obscene and not heard.
%%
Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
-- Mort Sahl
%%
Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in
a dark suit; you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
%%
Working here is like a pregnancy.
After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
%%
Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
%%
Writers do it between periods.
%%
You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
%%
You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
%%
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.
Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!
%%
You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
%%
You can get used to living at a nudist camp.
The first three days are the hardest.
-- R. Dreiser
%%
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose;
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
%%
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest
of your life trying to get back inside.
-- Heathcote Williams
%%
You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
%%
You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister.
%%
You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
%%
You play ball with us, and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
%%
You see that fucking fish?
If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught.
-- Sam Giancana
%%
You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
up in the bar last night?"
"Uh-huh.", the elephant replies.
"Did I bring you home?"
"Uh-huh."
"Did we, uh, fool around?"
"Uh-huh."
"Lord, I must have been tight!"
"Not any more."
%%
You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
%%
You wanna play the dozens,
Well, the dozens is a game,
But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
-- George Carlin
%%
You'll be a guest at a gay party.
That will have important consequences for you.
%%
Young men want to be faithful and are not;
old men want to be faithless and cannot.
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
%%
Your spooning days are over,
And your pilot light is out;
When what used to be your sex appeal
Is now your water spout!
%%
Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
%%
If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
If they can, then fuck 'em.
%%
Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
%%
Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
%%
Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
are scared and the women are grateful.
%%
Horny, adj:
When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
%%
"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black.
Will there be anything else?"
%%
Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque
sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
it's time to spend a night in town.
%%
San Francisco is my kind of city,
Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
%%
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
I really must beg your pardon,
But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
From beating my meat, against the seat,
Of a bicycle built for two.
-- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
%%
Love comes in spurts.
--Devo, "Please Please"
%%
Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
than fried chicken, is it?"
Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
finest I've ever had."
-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
%%
My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
-- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
%%
Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: How do you make them the same?
A: Force feed the elephant.
%%
You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already.
%%
Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy.
%%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
your coffee. You:
(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
"In" basket.
(d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
%%
Necrophelia, n:
Dead boring.
Incest, n:
Relatively boring.
%%
Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider who sat down beside her,
And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
%%
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece as white as snow.
It followed her to school one day,
And got fucked by a big black dog.
%%
When you're lying on the bed,
And the thought is in your head,
But the feeling is way down between your legs,
Take your problem in your hand,
And beat it to the band,
And try your best to keep it off the walls.
Don't let your lover tell you,
Don't let anybody sell you,
That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
For I've rid myself of fears,
(I've been doing it for years)
And now I have an erection all the time.
%%
As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest
issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
simply marvelous."
%%
I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?"
And she replied, "A Stetson."
%%
It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
Corp. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he said, "He's not been very well brought
up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
%%
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
"No."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
%%
Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came
running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
white cow!"
The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just
say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little
while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
%%
When things go wrong as they usually will,
And your daily road seems all uphill,
When funds are low and debts are high,
When you try to smile, but can only cry --
And you really feel you'd like to quit,
Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
%%
Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
Santa," she begs.
He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
you know."
She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay Santa," she begs.
Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
%%
The three sexual positions during preganancy.
During the first four months: Missionary style
During the second four months: Doggie style
And during the last month: Coyote style
Coyote style?
You sit by the hole and howl.
%%
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
6 beers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
are lovers."
Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone in
your family like pussy?"
"Yeah. Me and my sister."
%%
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
Just gave birth to another Texan.
%%
A college jock was dating a jockette; both were simple, direct, and
physical types, and not much talking was done on the dates. Not much action
either, and one night the jock decided the time had come. When they got back
to his place, he jumped her and they had a terrific tussle, wrestling back and
forth, and the jock had a great deal of difficulty in getting his penis
inserted. He pushed and shoved, and for a while all that happened was that
the girl's legs waved and thrashed about in the air. Finally he got it in and
they finished. Afterward he said, "Gee, if I'd known you were a virgin,
I'd have taken it a little easier."
The girl replied, "That's OK -- if I'd known we were going to fuck
I wouldn't have worn pantyhose."
%%
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
%%
Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread
you have, the less shit you have to eat.
%%
He: So, what do you say to little fuck?
She: I say, "get lost, little fuck."
%%
There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
%%
A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
"You get laid today, Billy?"
"Yeah, Dad."
"How was it?"
"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
"Good Boy!".
A month later: "You get laid today?"
"No, Dad."
"No? How come?"
"Gee, Dad, my ass was really sore."
%%
Hear about...
the new rule at the girls' school?
Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
%%
Hear about...
the girl who called her boyfriend
Courvoisier, 'cause he was such a sweet liquor?
%%
Hear about...
the drunken midget who walked into a home for
girls and kissed everybody in the joint?
%%
Hear about...
the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
%%
Hear about...
the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
without getting any mail in her box?
%%
Hear about...
the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
it makes men cocky and women lay better?
%%
She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
%%
Hear about...
the french soldier who kisses both his wife's cheeks before
he went to the front?
%%
Hear about...
the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
%%
Hear about...
The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
her between the limbs?
%%
Hear about...
the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
%%
Hear about...
the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap,
crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
%%
Hear about...
the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
single bars? It's called Bang Americard.
%%
Hear about...
the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
%%
Hear about...
the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
%%
Hear about...
the ultimate in singles bars? It's a place where girls have
to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted.
%%
Hear about...
the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
she's a wonderful mount?
%%
Hear about...
the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
%%
Hear about...
the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
%%
Hear about...
the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
he'd never be able to face his girl again?
%%
Hear about...
the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
%%
Hear about...
the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
a lot more than letters behind the files?
%%
Hear about...
the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
demanded a salary on next week's advance?
%%
Hear about...
the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
feel like a new man?
%%
Hear about...
the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia? His patients didn't
get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
%%
Hear about...
the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
which end it will be.
%%
Hear about...
the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
go up on him?
%%
Hear about...
the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk
and they eat each other.
%%
Hear about...
the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just
kind of lost his ball bearings.
%%
Hear about...
the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
%%
Hear about...
the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
%%
Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
%%
Hear about...
the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book.
%%
We understand that the vote on a bill to
legalize bisexuality could go either way.
%%
Hear about...
one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
%%
Hear about...
the loner who gave up his solitary vice for
Lent? Except on Palm Sunday, of course.
%%
Hear about...
the high school drum major who dated two of the
majorettes and so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
%%
Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
He was born in Palestine
Has anybody seen my Lord?
He's so cool, he's so fine
Eat his bread and drink his wine
Has anybody seen my Lord?
He's so neat, he's so cool,
Walks across my swimming pool.
Has anybody...
%%
Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
A: She has a mouthful of feathers.
%%
He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
%%
The two things that you should never lend out are your car
or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
%%
SUBPOENA:
From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
%%
Couples in motion have moments.
%%
"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
Jewish men?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
%%
How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
%%
I don't know why women get so upset,
they have half the money and all the pussy.
-- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
%%
You will always have friends
Some friends will peter out.
But I'll always be your friend,
Peter in or peter out.
%%
Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
She has the box the cherry came in.
%%
Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
She makes things stand that have no feet.
%%
If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
%%
A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
%%
They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the
lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon-
light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires.
She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the
barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent
she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his
father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling,
uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signalled her eagerness,
spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and
again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His
mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
"Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes
burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke.
"Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
%%
You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high.
%%
A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
your dog, here, talk!"
"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
%%
Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People
know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
%%
There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your
soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What
limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
in their own movie, let alone direct it.
-- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
%%
Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
A: They're just pussy substitutes!
%%
Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
shout, too):
"I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
"I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
"I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
%%
One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer;
to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer
orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time,
the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
all your beer and spit it in my face?"
"Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most
beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
%%
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
%%
One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that
they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special
place an reported to God what he'd noticed.
God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
will create your mate."
So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering
the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
"God?"
"Yes, Adam, what now?"
"God, what's a headache?"
%%
Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time.
%%
That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When
he got back, he was a husky fucker.
%%
The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the
woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
"Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
"Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
%%
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
%%
Q: What is Smoorplay?
A: What Smurfs do before they smuck!
%%
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt
so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
%%
When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
%%
People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of
a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
Why not? Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt
blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
of cholesterol ... but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has
the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
circuits.
When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
%%
Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
-- J. LeBoutillier
%%
One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
never writes..."
%%
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
%%
On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was
apprehended.
Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is."
Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money."
Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!"
Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor."
At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his
bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the
money is right now, he will kill you here."
Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
under the big tree at the pass!"
Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..."
%%
Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've
got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
life."
Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked
to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
"My God, what happened to you?"
"I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
on his bloodied lips.
"Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But
what happened? Did the customer start a fight?"
"Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was
*pissed*."
%%
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
%%
Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
%%
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
Nor a pheasant plucker's son.
I'm just a'plucking pheasants
'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
%%
Hear about...
the careless canary that did it for a lark?
%%
Hear about...
the truck driver who pulled out to
avoid a child and fell off the sofa?
%%
Hear about...
the over-anxious bride who came down the aisle?
%%
Hear about...
the absent minded nurse who made
the patient without disturbing the bed?
%%
Hear about...
the frustrated musician who worked all week on an
arrangement and then his wife didn't leave town?
%%
Hear about...
the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
%%
Hear about...
the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
%%
A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
When he popped her cherry,
She made things hairy
By bleeding all over his face.
%%
A bad little girl in Madrid,
A most reprehensible kid,
Told her Tante Louise
That her cunt smelled like cheese,
And the worst of it was that it did!
%%
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
%%
A beautiful belle of Del Norte
Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
Because during the day
She says: "Boys, keep away!"
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
%%
A beautiful lady named Psyche
Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
One thing about Ike
The lady can't like
Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
%%
A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
When she swiveled about
Even strong men cried out,
For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
%%
A bobby of Nottingham Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function
Deceived his good wife
For the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
%%
A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups:
"The height of my folly
Was fucking a collie --
But I got a nice price for the pups."
%%
A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
When eased in half-way,
The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
%%
A certain young person of Ghent,
Uncertain if lady or gent,
Shows his organs at large
For a small handling charge
To assist him in paying the rent.
%%
A chap down in Oklahoma
Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
But the sweetness of pitch
Couldn't put off the hitch
Of impotence, size and aroma.
%%
A charmer from old Amarillo,
Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
Decided one day
That to keep men away
She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
%%
A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
Had a pussy as large as a muff.
It had room for both hands
And some intimate glands,
And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
%%
A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
On the twenty-third stroke
The fuckin' thing broke
And beat both his balls to a creame.
%%
A contortionist hailing from Lynch
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
A foot cost a quid --
He could and he did
Stretch it to three in a pinch.
%%
A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
And said, "Bother the fish!
I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.
%%
A cowhand way out in Seattle
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
He said, "No, I can't fuck
A lamb or a duck,
But golly! it just fits the cattle."
%%
A cute little twerp from Samoa
Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
It was good for keyholes
And debutantes' peeholes
But not worth a damn on a whoa.
%%
A daredevil skater named Lowe,
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
But is proudest of doing,
Some incredible screwing,
Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
%%
A deep-throated virgin named Netty
Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
She said, "It tastes nice,
Much better than rice,
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
%%
A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
Let his third-story front,
To a willing young cunt,
Who supplied him a new lease on life!
%%
A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
As quick as a glance
He stripped off his pants,
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
%%
A doctoral student from Buckingham
Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
But a dropout from paree
Taught him Gamahuchee
So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
%%
A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
She blew her vagina
To South Carolina,
And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
%%
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
Had achieved some reknown
For her tone going down--
There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
%%
A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
Thought it very, very foolish to place
Her hand on your cock
When it turned hard as rock,
For fear it would explode in your face.
%%
A farmer I know named O'Doole
Had a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plow,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
%%
A fellatrix's healthful condition
Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
Her remarkable diet
(I suggest that you try it)
Was only her clients' emission.
%%
A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
%%
A fisherman off of Cape Cod
Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
But the high-minded fish
Resented his wish,
And nimbly swam off with his rod.
%%
A girl of uncertain nativity
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
While she sat on the lap
Of a German or Jap,
She could sense Fifth Column activity.
%%
A habit obscene and bizarre,
Has taken a-hold of papa.
He brings home young camels
And other odd mammals,
And gives them a go at mama.
%%
A habit obscene and unsavory,
Holds a CS professor in slavery.
With maniacal howls,
He deflowers young owls,
That he keeps in an underground aviary.
%%
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
Made love to the drive of his disk.
The thing circumsized him,
Which rather suprised him.
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
%%
A hardware debugger named Court
Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
But its buffer array
Only handled 1K,
So the port's driver cut it off short.
%%
A highly aesthetic young Jew
Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
The end of his dillie
Was shaped like a lilly,
And his balls were too utterly two!
%%
A highway patrol buff named Claire,
Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
And her parts grew so hot,
There was steam on her twat,
So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
%%
A horny young fellow named Reg,
Was jerking off under a hedge.
The gardener drew near
With a huge pruning shear,
And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
%%
A huge-organed female in Dallas,
Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
Was virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
%%
A lacklustre lady of Brougham
Weaveth all night at her loom.
Anon she doth blench
When her lord and his wench
Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
%%
A lad, at his first copulation,
Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
Gyration, elation
Throughout the duration,
I guess I'll give up masturbation."
%%
A lad from far-off Transvaal
Was lustful, but tactful withal.
He'd say, just for luck,
"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
%%
A lady from Old Little Rock
In fidelity took little stock,
And deserted her man
In the streets of Japan
For a boy with a prehensile cock.
%%
A lady removing her scanties,
Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
Said her beau, "Have no fear,
For the reason is clear:
You simply have amps in your panties.
%%
A lady stockholder quite hetera
Decided her fortune to bettera:
On the floor, quite unclad,
She successively had
Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
%%
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."
%%
A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they asked her its size
She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
%%
A licentious old justice of Salem
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
But instead of a fine
He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
%%
A lonely young lad of Eton
Used always to sleep with the heat on,
Till he ran into a lass
Who showed him her ass --
Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
%%
A lusty young maid from Seattle
Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
Till she found a bull
Who filled her so full
It made both her ovaries rattle.
%%
A lusty young woodsman of Maine
For years with no woman had lain,
But he found sublimation
At a high elevation
In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
%%
A maestro directing in Rome
Had a quaint way of driving it home.
Whoever he climbed
Had to keep her tail timed
To the beat of his old metronome.
%%
A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
The horsey set rushed her,
But success finally crushed her
For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
%%
A maiden who wrote of big cities
Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
Sold her stuff at the shop
Of a musical wop
Who played with her soft little titties.
%%
A man was once heard to boast,
That he received a parcel by post,
It contained, so we heard,
A magnificent turd,
And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
%%
A marine being sent to Hong Kong
Got a doctor to alter his dong.
He sailed off with a tool
Flat and thin as a rule -
When he got there he found he was wrong.
%%
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexhedronical ball,
And the square of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight,
Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
%%
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call...
%%
A middle-aged codger named Bruin
Found his love life completely in ruin,
For he flirted with flirts
Wearing pants and no skirts,
And he never got in for no screwin'.
%%
A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
She had nowhere to turn,
So she diddled a churn,
And managed to come with the butter.
%%
A mortician who practised in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, did not budge--
Just the same as she'd acted in life."
%%
A nervous young fellow named Fred
Took a charming young widow to bed.
When he'd diddled a while
She remarked with a smile,
"You've got it all in but the head."
%%
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
They got laid eighty ways --
Imagine such fucking devotion!
%%
A newly-wed man of Peru
Found himself in a terrible stew:
His wife was in bed
Much deader than dead,
And so he had no one to screw.
%%
A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
Reads the sign o'er the head
Of her well-rumpled bed
"The customer always comes first."
%%
A nudist resort at Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
But he made members weep
For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.
%%
A passionate red-haired girl
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
And her twat would get wet,
And would wiggle and fret,
And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
%%
A petulant man once said, "Pish,
Your cunt is as big as a dish."
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a pin with a fish."
%%
A pious old woman named Tweak
Had taught her vagina to speak.
It was frequently liable
To quote from the Bible,
But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
%%
A pious young lady named Finnegan
Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
So time it aright,
Make it last through the night,
For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
%%
A pious young lady of Chichester
Made all of the saints in their niches stir
And each morning at matin
Her breast in pink satin
Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
%%
A plumber whose name was John Brink
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
Her resistance was stout,
And John Brink petered out,
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
%%
A potter who lived in Bombay
Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
But the heat of his prick
Kilned the damn thing to brick
And chafed all his foreskin away.
%%
A pretty wife living in Tours
Demanded her daily amour.
But the husband said, "No!
It's to much. Let it go!
My backsides are dragging the floor."
%%
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
%%
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
%%
A rapturous young fellatrix
One day was at work on five pricks.
With an unholy cry
She whipped out her glass eye:
"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
%%
A reckless young lady of France
Had no qualms about taking a chance,
But she thought it was crude
To get screwed in the nude,
So she always went home with damp pants.
%%
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
%%
A romantic attraction has clung
To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
"'Tis the Scourge from the East,
That lascivious beast
Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
%%
A sailor who slept in the sun,
Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
He remarked with a smile,
"Good grief, a sun-dial!
And now it's a quarter-past one."
%%
A savvy young hooker named Gail
Got busted and lodged in the jail.
But the jailer got hot,
To be lodged in her twat,
And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
%%
A scandal involving an oyster
Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
She preferred it, in bed,
To the count (so she said)
'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
%%
A seafaring hacker named Slatey
Went to bed with a VAX/780.
The thing's learned to swear
With a nautical air,
And refers to its users as "matey".
%%
A sex-loving coed named Bree
Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
The joystick, she found,
Had been fooling around
With a neighboring student's PC.
%%
A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
Was having a captive, a person
Who was not averse
Though she had the curse,
And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
%%
A structured programmer named Drew
Was intensely turned on by "goto".
When he saw it in code
He'd shoot off his load.
It's a good thing his shop used so few.
%%
A studious professor named Nestor
Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
But she drained out his balls
And skipped up the walls,
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
%%
A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
Went down on her beau in the garden.
He said, "Good lord, Tess,
Don't swallow that mess "
And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
%%
A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
While the man detumesced
She still spent on with zest,
Her rapture sheer anachronism.
%%
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
%%
A tidy young lady of Streator
Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
She always would say,
"I prefer it this way.
I think it is very much neater."
%%
A tired young trollop of Nome
Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
Eight miners came screwing,
But she said, "Nothing doing;
One of you has to go home!"
%%
A vengeful technician named Schmitz
Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
He covered the platter
With bats' fecal matter.
Now it's seek time is really the pits.
%%
A very odd pair are the Pitts:
His balls are as large as her tits,
Her tits are as large
As an invasion barge--
Neither knows how the other cohabits.
%%
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
%%
A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
Too lazy to rape her,
He made darts out of paper,
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
%%
A whimsical fellow named Bloch
Could beat the base drum with his cock.
With a special erection
He could play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
%%
A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
Had a hole as big as a basket.
A spot, as a bride,
In it now, you could hide,
And include with your luggage your mascot.
%%
A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice
Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
%%
A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
Renowned for the length of their peenies.
The hair on their balls
Sweeps the floors of their halls,
But they don't look at women, the meanies.
%%
A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
But when everything's cleared,
He gives way to the weird,
As he lovingly busses each table.
%%
A worn-out young husband named Lehr
Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
"Slip on a sheath, quick,
Then slip your big dick
Between these lips covered with hair."
%%
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
%%
A young Juliet of St. Louis
On a balcony stood acting screwy.
Her Romeo climbed,
But he wasn't well timed,
And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
%%
A young fellow discovered through Freud
That although of penis devoid,
He could practice coitus
By eating a foetus,
And his parents were quite overjoyed.
%%
A young lady sat by the sea,
Just as proper as proper could be.
A young fellow goosed her,
And roughly seduced her,
So she thanked him and went home to tea.
%%
A young man by a girl was desired
To give her the thrills she required,
But he died of old age
Ere his cock could assuage
The volcanic desire it inspired.
%%
A young man from the banks of the Po
Found his cock had elongated so,
That when he'd pee
It was never he
But only his neighbors who'd know.
%%
A young man maintained that his trigger
Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
But this long and thick pud
Was so heavy it could
Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
%%
A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
While bent over plucking a dingle
Had the whole of Eisteddfod
Taking turns at his pod
While they sang some impossible jingle.
%%
A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
%%
A young polo-player of Berkeley
Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
In the midst of each chukker
He would break off and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
%%
A young systems programmer of Sprotic
Found his software intensely erotic.
In jealous distress
He wiped his OS.
It's possible that he's a psychotic.
%%
A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
As she took down her panties
She said, "No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!"
%%
A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
Preferred frigging to going to mass.
Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
Or any young cock,
For I cannot live up to your ass."
%%
A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
Says she, "You're in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
%%
Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
When he parted her thighs;
"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
%%
All the female apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long.
But a friendly giraffe
Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
%%
An AI researcher named Bluth
Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
Eroticon VI,
Which he taught certain tricks
Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
%%
An aesthete from South Carolina
Had a cock that tickled like China,
But while shooting his load
It cracked like old Spode,
So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
%%
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
%%
An amazon giantess named Dunne
Let a midget screw her for fun.
But the poor little runt
Was engulfed in her cunt
And re-born as the twin of his son.
%%
An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
By seventeen sailors
A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
%%
An anonymous woman we knew
Was dozing one day in her pew;
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
She said, "Count me in
As soon as the service is through."
%%
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.
%%
An eager young hacker named Gus
Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
The hardware went bad,
But not the young lad
He didn't expect all that fuss!
%%
An envious girl named McMeanus
Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
It was small consolation
That the rest of the nation
Of women were with her in weeness.
%%
An exotic young lady named Suki
Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
When asked for a fuck
She said, "Solly, no luck--
See here: looky looky, no nuki "
%%
An impish young fellow named James
Had a passion for idiot games.
He lighted the hair
Of his lady's affair
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
%%
An impotent Scot named MacDougall
Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
He was gathering semen
To gender a he-man,
By screwing his wife through a bugle.
%%
An ingenious young man in South Bend
Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
But the friend shortly found
Its construction unsound,
It was simply a bother -- no end.
%%
An octagenerian Jew
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
This was not from compunction,
But due to dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
%%
An old couple just at Shrovetide
Were having a piece -- when he died.
The wife for a week
Sat tight on his peak,
And bounced up and down as she cried.
%%
An old man at the Folies Bergere
Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
It snipped off a twat-curl
From each new chorus girl,
And he had a wig made of the hair.
%%
An organist playing in York
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
And between obbligatos
He'd munch at tomatoes,
To keep up his strength while at work.
%%
An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
Her climatic fame spread
With an ad blitz that said:
Coming soon at a theater near you!
%%
And earnest young woman in Thrace
Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
So he gave her a thwack,
And did on her back,
What he couldn't have done face to face.
%%
And then there's the story that's fraught
With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
When a chap took a crap
In the woods, and a trap
Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
%%
As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
Since he thinks it's effete
To be beating his meat,
What he's into is licking his chops.
%%
At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
Though of love we are never penurious.
Thanks to vulcanized aids,
Though we may die old maids,
At least we shall never die curious.
%%
At the moment Japan declared war
A sailor was fucking a whore.
He said, "After this poke
`Long and hard' ain't no joke;
This means months 'til I get back ashore."
%%
Coitus upon a cadaver
Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
Her inanimate state
Means a man needn't wait,
And eliminates all the palaver.
%%
Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
Homo qui aedificabat.
Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat.
Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat.
Sed virginem pine necebat.
%%
Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
She went down on the gents,
And pronged the girl's vents
With a clitoris reaching six inches.
%%
De Hispanice puella verumque
Simplex oris verborumque
Tulit potens vagina
Hominum agmina
Iterum iterum iterumque.
%%
Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
%%
Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
Just sit in the sand
And do it by hand,
And buy bonds with the money you save.
%%
Down by the old model T,
Where she first showed it to me.
It was furry and black,
And she called it a crack,
But it looked like a manhole to me.
%%
DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
And by planned obsolescence,
So controlled detumescence,
A poor man could not get a smell.
%%
Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
Ich hore Mann kommen."
"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
%%
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day,
Said, "Girls on the way,
But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
%%
Fond of equestrians, Mabel
Looked for true love in the stable.
But she found the studs,
For her were all duds,
Now she's out with the leg of a table.
%%
For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
He's endowed with a dong
That is 12 inches long,
So he wedges his foot in the door.
%%
For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
But the one remedy
For contagious V.D.
Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
%%
"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
You have made much fine verse on
Each part of my person,
Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
%%
From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
Said the rector, "My gracious,
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
%%
Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
Some people say,
Love finds a way,
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
%%
Have you heard of the lady named Cox
Who had a capacious old box?
When her lover was in place
She said, "Please turn your face.
I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
%%
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
Her husband said, "Vi,
When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
%%
He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
So he put Spanish fly
In their pudding and pie
And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
%%
"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
"I won't suck his filthy old prick!
It's not that I funk
At a mouthful of spunk,
But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
%%
Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
Could rotate his pecker, and then
He would shoot through his rear
Which made him dear
Of the girls, and the envy of men.
%%
Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
Had morals the city might soften.
So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
Are you living in sin?"
Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
%%
I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
I replied, "Simple shagging
Without any wagging
Is only for screwing canoeing."
%%
I know of a fortunate Hindu
Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
By the ladies he knows,
Who are thrilled to the toes
By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
%%
I met a young man in Chungking
Who had a very long thing --
But you'll guess my surprise
When I found that its size
Just measured a third-finger ring!
%%
I never had Miss Defauw,
But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
If she'd only said "No"
When I wanted her so;
But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
%%
I once had the wife of a Dean
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
She remarked with some gaiety,
"Not bad for the laiety,
Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
%%
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
%%
I once was annoyed by a queer
Who made his intentions quite clear.
Said I, "I'm no prude,
So don't think me rude,
But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
%%
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude--
I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
%%
I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
And a happy erection
Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
%%
If you're speaking of actions immoral
The how about giving the laurel
To doughty Queen Esther,
No three men could best her --
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
%%
Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
Dit-elle, "Arretez!
J'entends quelqu'un venait."
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
%%
Il y avait une madame de Lahore
Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
Mais la vagine tres forte,
Toujours ouverte la porte,
Encore, et encore, et encore.
%%
In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
His wife said, "Oh, stuff
That philosophy guff
Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
%%
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
%%
In the case of a lady named Frost,
Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
It's the best part of valor
To bugger the gal, or
You're apt to fall in and get lost.
%%
In the little French town of Le'Beau,
Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
At a masquerade ball,
Clad in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker house roll.
%%
It always delights me at Hank's
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
%%
It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
They sat in her Bentley,
She fondled him gently,
And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
%%
King Louis gave a lesson in class,
One time while enjoying a lass.
When she used the word "Damn"
He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
%%
"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth,
"In a long-distance telephone booth,
I enjoyed the perfection
Of an ideal connection --
I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
%%
Love letters no longer they write us,
To their homes they so seldom invite us.
It grieves me to say,
They have learned with dismay,
We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
%%
Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
Afflicted with psychotic warps.
His idea of fun
Is to bugger a nun,
And then vomit all over the corpse.
%%
Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
Who said with a wink and a smile,
"Sure, please stick it in,
Be it thick be it thin,
But if's rough I won't do as a file."
%%
Oden the bardling averred
His muse was the bum of a bird,
And his Lesbian wife
Would finger his fife
While Fisherwood waited as third.
%%
Of his face she thought not very much,
But then, at the very first touch,
Her attitude shifted --
He was terribly gifted
At frigging and fucking and such.
%%
Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
The poor wench doth stammer,
"I need a sledgehammer
To pound a man into my vent."
%%
Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
He tried to make love to a puma.
Seems the puma, in play,
Tore his testes away --
An example of animal huma.
%%
On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
Not Russian elite-
She's eager to eat
Whatever or whoever lays her.
%%
On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
His girl got a yen for fellatio.
As she sucked on his dingus
He tried cunnilingus
But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
%%
One evening a guru had coitus
With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
When asked what position
He used for coition,
He answered serenely, "the lotus."
%%
One night a girl had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
Then she picked up his hat
And realized that
She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
%%
Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
She declined and declined
Till approached from behind...
When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
%%
Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
He announced as he folded with flair,
"I had four of a kind,
But those aces combined,
Don't stack up, I'm afraid with your pair."
%%
Prince Absalom lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
But the kid was so tight,
And it was deep night --
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
%%
Prope mare erat tubulator
Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
Dessine ingressus
Audivi progressus:
Est mihi inquit tubulator.
%%
Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
%%
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State,
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.
%%
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
"You must sieze it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day."
%%
Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
Of all the girls that I've had,
None gave me the thrill
Of real rapture until
I learned how to be a tribade."
%%
Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
To a sailor just off of a barge,
"We have one girl that's dead,
With a hole in her head--
Of course there's a slight extra charge."
%%
Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
I'm simply too shy and afraid
To take part in your pranks.
But to show you my thanks,
I'd just love to become your first aide.
%%
Said a pornographistic young poet
"Although I perhaps do not show it,
My interest in sin
Is wearing quite thin,
And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
%%
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
%%
Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
I think that was one up for me.
%%
Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
To a muffer's delight,
I'll take head on a flight,
So the guy can have pie in the sky."
%%
She made a thing of soft leather,
And topped off the end with a feather.
When she poked it inside her
She took off like a glider,
And gave up her lover forever.
%%
She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
Now she's lying in the grass,
With the muffler up her ass,
And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
%%
Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
I'm agog with excitement today!
And the reason of course,
A reliable source,
Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
%%
"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
He pulled it on out,
But she started to pout,
His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
%%
So here was this fellow of Strensall
Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
Anemic, 'tis true,
But an interesting screw,
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
%%
Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
She obliges all who accost her.
She welcomes the prick
Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
%%
That Harvard don down at El Djim --
Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
With the whole harem randy,
The sheik himself handy,
To muss up a young camel's quim.
%%
That naughty old Sappho of Greece
Said "What I prefer to a piece
Is to have my pudenda
Rubbed hard by the enda
The little pink nose of my niece."
%%
The King named Oedipus Rex
Who started this fuss about sex
Put the world to great pains
By the spots and the stains
Which he made on his mother's pubex.
%%
The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
And cried, "Oh, my dear,
I am coming, I fear,
But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
%%
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a girl a most elegant creature.
So she laid on her back
And, exposing her crack,
Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
%%
The Shah of the Empire of Persia
Lay for days in a sexual merger.
When the nautch asked the Shah,
"Won't you ever withdraw?"
He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
%%
The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
Do an act in the nude on their knees.
They crawl down the aisle
While screwing dog-style,
As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
%%
The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
Where ten thousand virgins
Succumbed to his urgin's
There now stands the great State of Utah.
%%
The latest reports from Good Hope
State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
And fuck high, wide, and free,
From the top of one tree
To the top of the next -- what a scope!
%%
The new local cinematorium
Is not only a super sensorium,
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.
%%
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
When excited are twelve inches long
This embarassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong
%%
The notorious Duchess of Peels
Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
Said she, "Would you mind? --
Shove one up my behind.
I am anxious to know how it feels."
%%
The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
That when posed on her toes
She elaborately shows
Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
%%
The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame --
A discharge is a wondeful thing.
%%
"The testes are cooler outside,"
Said the doc to the curious bride,
"For the semen must no
Get too fucking hot,
And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
%%
"The testes are cooler outside,"
Said the doc to the curious bride,
"For the semen must not
Get too fucking hot,
And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
%%
The wife of young Richard of Limerick
Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
Still grows in diameter
Each time that you ram at her;
How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
%%
The woman who lives on the moon
Is still cherishing the balloon
Of an earthling who'd come
And given her some,
But had dribbled away all too soon.
%%
There a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
%%
There is a young faggot named Mose
Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
And you'll double the joy
Of this lecherous boy
If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
%%
There once was a Duchess of Bruges
Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
Said the king to this dame
As he thunderously came:
"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
%%
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
It was not the size
That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
%%
There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
Discovered his sex life was hapless:
The more he would screw
The more he'd want to,
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
%%
There once was a chick named Longet,
Who went out to Aspen to play.
Along came a Spyder,
Who sat down beside her
And she blew the poor bastard away.
%%
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.
%%
There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!
%%
There once was a fag of Khartoom
Who spent the night in a Lesbians room.
They argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
%%
There once was a fellow named Bob
Who in sexual ways was a snob.
One day he was swimmin'
With twelve naked women
And deserted them all for a gob.
%%
There once was a fellow named Brewster
Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
"It used to be grand
But look at my hand
You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
%%
There once was a fellow named Howard,
Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
While grabbing some ass,
He reached critical mass,
But think of the girl he deflowered!
%%
There once was a fellow named Siegel
Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
But the mettlesome bitch
Turned and said with a twitch,
"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
%%
There once was a fencer named Fisk,
Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Fitzgerald contraction,
Foreshortended his foil to a disk.
%%
There once was a floozie named Annie
Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
A buck for a fuck,
Fifty cents for a suck,
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
%%
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
%%
There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
Sheep are just fine,
Chickens, divine,
But iguanas are Numero Uno."
%%
There once was a gay young Parisian
Who screwed an appendix incision,
And the girl of his choice
Could hardly rejoice
At the horrible lack of precision.
%%
There once was a girl from Cornell
Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
When you touched them they shrunk,
Except when she was drunk,
And then they got bigger than hell.
%%
There once was a girl from Decatur,
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now nobody knew
The result of that screw,
'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
%%
There once was a girl from Spokane,
Went to bed with a one-legged man.
She said, "I know you--
You've really got two!
Why didn't you say so when we began?"
%%
There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
Who was diddled amazingly often.
She was rogered by scores
Who'd been turned down by whores,
And was finally screwed in her coffin.
%%
There once was a girl named Priscilla
Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
The taste was so fine
Man and beast stood in line
(Including a stud armadilla).
%%
There once was a golfer named Leer,
Who got put in the clink for a year,
For an action obscene,
On the very first green.
Where the sign said "Enter course here."
%%
There once was a gouty old colonel
Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
And he cried in his tiffin
For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
And the size of the thing was infernal.
%%
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
So he built him some chicks,
Of silicon chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then.
%%
There once was a handsome young seaman
Who with ladies was really a demon.
In peace or in war,
At sea or on shore,
He could certainly dish out the semen.
%%
There once was a horny old bitch
With a motorized self-frigger which
She would use with delight
All day long and all night -
Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
%%
There once was a horse named Lily
Whose dingus was really a dilly.
It was vaginoid duply,
And labial quadruply --
In fact, he was really a filly.
%%
There once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
Every time he got hot
He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.
%%
There once was a jolly old bloke
Who picked up a girl for a poke.
He took down her pants,
Fucked her into a trance,
And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
%%
There once was a kiddie named Carr
Caught a man on top of his mar.
As he saw him stick 'er,
He said with a snicker,
"You do it much faster than par."
%%
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
%%
There once was a lady from Kansas
Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
It was nine inches deep
And the sides were quite steep --
It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
%%
There once was a lady named Carter,
Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
She stripped off his pants,
At his prick quickly glanced,
And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
%%
There once was a lady named Clair,
Who posessed a magnificent pair.
Or that's what I thought,
Till I saw one get caught,
On a thorn and begin losing air.
%%
There once was a lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle.
She had crabs, so they say,
In a year and a day
Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
%%
There once was a lifeguard named Lee
Who rescued a girl from the sea
She asked how to pay,
And he said "Try this way,
Go down for the third time on me."
%%
71:
69 with two fingers up your ass.
-- George Carlin
%%
When someone tells you to "take it like
a man" it usually means up your ass.
%%
Bend over and take it like a man!
%%
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
%%
I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
-- Doctor Dirty
%%
Hangover, n:
The burden of proof.
%%
When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
"The basic white one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. "The
flesh-toned model is thirty."
"I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching
item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there?
"Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't
sell you that one for less than a hundred."
"I'll take it."
Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white
vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
bucks for my Thermos."
%%
We have reason to believe that man first
walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
-- Lily Tomlin
%%
A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
miles and asks the Indian how the hell he's knows that.
Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
Life in the Universe"
%%
Swallow, v:
The (blew) bird of birth control.
%%
Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical
powers.
After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating
the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will
work only three times. Make use of them wisely."
As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep,"
he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
"Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away.
He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
"Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted.
Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
"Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
"Beep-beep!"
"Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
"What's all this beep-beep shit?"
%%
After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really
starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
rummaging through a dresser drawer.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
%%
Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
-- Tom Lehrer
%%
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right
to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to
the contrary.
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%%
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we
had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
of an Untenured Professor?
-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%%
A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could
get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea
worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical
laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing
happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now,
a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The
bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and
said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
"I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
"How did you make him cry tonight?"
"I proved it."
%%
Man in stall:
Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there?
Man at sink:
No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in
any of the other stalls either.
A minute passes.
Man in stall:
Say, buddy?
Man at sink:
Yeah?
Man in stall:
You got change for a ten?
%%
Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
A: Play dumb until the second coming.
%%
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
%%
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
%%
May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
%%
May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
%%
A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
"Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
%%
The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down,
guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at
once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
%%
I've been feeling kind of jealous,
Of all them well-hung fellas,
Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one,
Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun,
I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock.
If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon,
They would turn on to my hardon --
If I only had a cock.
Oh, I can tell you now,
The number of times I'd score,
I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife,
I never have before, Living a little mouse-life
And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long.
And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a dong!
-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
%%
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
%%
Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
15 minutes a day!
SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
%%
It's a bitch being butch.
%%
Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
%%
Some of the management around here are the
final proof that the Indians fucked the buffalo.
%%
Life is not a cabaret.
It's a fucking circus.
%%
Yuck Foo.
%%
Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
%%
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who used to beat off in the gutta
The heat of the sun
Affected his gun
And turned all his cream into butta!
%%
There once was a man from Madras,
Whose balls were made out of brass.
When they clanged together,
They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.
%%
There once was a man from Nantee
Who buggered an ape in a tree.
The results were most horrid
All ass and no forehead
Three balls and a purple goatee.
%%
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could sucket.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear were a cunt I could fucket.
%%
There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a screwing machine.
Both concave and convex,
It could please either sex,
But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
%%
There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it up to her kidney.
But the man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck;
He had a big one, now didn't he?
%%
There once was a man named Lodge,
Who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
When his date was strapped in,
He committed a sin,
Without ever leaving the garage.
%%
There once was a man named McGruder,
Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
But the girl thought it crude,
To be wooed in the nude,
So McGru took an oar and subduder.
%%
There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny.
Just to be couth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his girlfriend a martini.
%%
There once was a man named Parridge
With peculiar views on marriage.
He sucked off his brother,
Fucked his own mother,
And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
%%
There once was a miner named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
She was ugly as shit,
And missing one tit,
But think of the money he saves.
%%
There once was a newspaper vendor,
A person of dubious gender.
He would charge one-and-two
For permission to view
His remarkable double pudenda.
%%
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know, love, it's me."
%%
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
%%
There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
What they do to my wife --
Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is they all do it well."
%%
There once was a sailor named Gasted,
A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
He could jerk himself off
In a basket, aloft,
Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
%%
There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
And fuck to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
%%
There once was a woman from Arden
Who sucked off a man in a garden.
He said, "My dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
%%
There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
But he lurked in the ditches
And diddled the bitches
Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
%%
There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
She was ugly and smelly,
With an awful pot-belly,
But... well, they were caught in the rain.
%%
There once was a young man from Boston
Who drove around town in an Austin,
There was room for his ass,
And a gallon of gas,
So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
%%
There once was a young man named Gene,
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It served either sex,
And it played with itself inbetween.
%%
There once were two brothers named Luntz
Who buggered each other at once.
When asked to account
For this intricate mount,
They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
%%
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
Till a Spanish grandee,
Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
%%
There was a family named Doe,
An ideal family to know.
As father screwed mother,
She said, "You're heavier than brother."
And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
%%
There was a fat lady of China
Who'd a really enormous vagina,
And when she was dead
They painted it red,
And used it for docking a liner.
%%
There was a fat man from Rangoon
Whose prick was much like a ballon.
He tried hard to ride her
And when finally inside her
She thought she was pregnant too soon.
%%
There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station,
Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
%%
There was a gay dog from Ontario
Who fancied himself a Lothario.
At a wench's glance
He'd snatch off his pants
And make for her Mons Venerio.
%%
There was a gay parson of Norton
Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
To make up for this loss,
He had balls like a horse,
And never spent less than a quartern.
%%
There was a gay parson of Tooting
Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
Till he married a lass
With a face like my arse,
And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
%%
There was a girl from Aberystwyth
Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
The miller's son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.
%%
There was a pianist named Liszt
Who played with one hand while he pissed,
But as he grew older
His technique grew bolder,
And in concert jacked off with his fist.
%%
There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
Fur-lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
%%
There was a strong man of Drumrig
Who one day did seven times frig.
He buggered three sailors,
Four dogs and two tailors,
And ended by fucking a pig.
%%
There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
"Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
%%
There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
%%
There was a young blade from South Greece
Whose bush did so greatly increase
That before he could shack
He must hunt needle in stack.
'Twas as bad as being obese.
%%
There was a young bride, a Canuck,
Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
You say that I, maybe,
Can have my first baby--
Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
%%
There was a young bride of Antigua
Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
Why, you've only felt my twot,
My legs and my arse and my figua!"
%%
There was a young damsel named Baker
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
He yelled, "My God! what
Do you call this -- a twat?
Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
%%
There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was a folly.
Said she, "Your pee-pee
Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
%%
There was a young fellow from Cal.,
In bed with a passionate gal.
He leapt from the bed,
To the toilet he sped;
Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
%%
There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed
He cried, "God strike me dead!
This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
%%
There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds.
%%
There was a young fellow from Parma
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
Said the damsel demure,
"You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
%%
There was a young fellow name Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, "Don't bow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."
%%
There was a young fellow named Babbitt
Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
But a girl from Johore
Could do it twice more,
Which was just enough extra to crab it.
%%
There was a young fellow named Bill,
Who took an atomic pill,
His navel corroded,
His asshole exploded,
And they found his nuts in Brazil.
%%
There was a young fellow named Bowen
Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
It grew so tremendous,
So long and so pendulous,
'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
%%
There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
Said she, "I don't mind,
And higher up you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."
%%
There was a young fellow named Cribbs
Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
They were inches apart,
And to suck it took art,
While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
%%
There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
Was reputed an infamous lecher.
When he'd take on a whore
She'd need a rebore,
And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
%%
There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
%%
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood
The question's not woody but could he?
%%
There was a young fellow named Grimes
Who fucked his girl seventeen times
In the course of a week --
And this isn't to speak
Of assorted venereal crimes.
%%
There was a young fellow named Harry,
Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
He grabbed him a virgin,
Who, without any urgin',
Immediately spread like a fairy.
%%
There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
But fragile and slender,
And dainty and tender,
So he kept it encased in a thimble.
%%
There was a young fellow named Meek
Who invented a lingual technique.
It drove women frantic,
And made them romantic,
And wore all the hair off his cheek.
%%
There was a young fellow named Morgan
Who possessed an unusual organ:
The end of his dong,
Which was nine inches long,
Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
%%
There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
%%
There was a young fellow named Pell
Who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger or fuck one,
But never would suck one--
He just couldn't get used to the smell.
%%
There was a young fellow named Price
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
He had virgins and boys
And mechanical toys,
And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
%%
There was a young fellow named Prynne
Whose prick was so short and so thin,
His wife found she needed
A Fuckoscope -- she did --
To see if he'd gotten it in.
%%
There was a young fellow named Rex
With diminutive organs of sex.
When charged with exposure
He said with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex!"
%%
There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
The hatch of her snatch,
Had a catch that would latch,
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
%%
There was a young fellow of Burma
Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
But now that he's married he's
Been using cantharides
And the root of their love is much firmer.
%%
There was a young fellow of Harrow
Whose john was the size of a marrow.
He said to his tart,
"How's this for a start?
My balls are outside in a barrow."
%%
There was a young fellow of Kent
Whose prick was so long that it bent,
So to save himself trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming he went.
%%
There was a young fellow of Mayence
Who fucked his own arse in defiance
Not only of custom
And morals, dad-bust him,
But of most of the known laws of science.
%%
There was a young fellow of Perth
Whose balls were the finest on earth.
They grew to such size
That one won a prize,
And goodness knows what they were worth.
%%
There was a young fellow of Strensall
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
On the night of his wedding
It went through the bedding,
And shattered the chamber utensil.
%%
There was a young fellow of Warwick
Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
For he could by election
Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
%%
There was a young fellow whose dong
Was prodigiously massive and long.
On each side of his whang
Two testes did hang
That attracted a curious throng.
%%
There was a young gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
A woman is fine,
And a sheep is divine,
But a llama is Numero Uno."
%%
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Who said, "You are utterly wrong
To say my vagina
Is the largest in China
Just because of your mean little dong."
%%
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
%%
There was a young girl from Medina
Who could completely control her vagina.
She could twist it around
Like the cunts that are found
In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
%%
There was a young girl from New York
Who plugged up her quim with a cork
A woodpecker or two
Made the grade, it is true,
But it totally baffled the stork.
%%
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who had nothing whatever to do.
So she sat on the stairs,
And counted cunt hairs,
Four thousand, three hundred and two.
%%
There was a young girl from Samoa
Who pledged that no man would know her.
One young fellow tried,
But she wriggled aside,
And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
%%
There was a young girl from Siam
Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
"To seduce me, of course,
You'll have to use force,
And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
%%
There was a young girl from St. Cyr
Whose reflex reactions were queer.
Her escort said, "Mable,
Get up off the table;
That money's to pay for the beer."
%%
There was a young girl from the Bronix
Who had a vagina of onyx.
She had so much `tsoris'
With her clitoris,
She traded it in for a Packard.
%%
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
%%
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
%%
There was a young girl in Dakota
Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
"In addition to gas
We are rationing ass,
And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
%%
There was a young girl name McKnight
Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
She came to in bed,
With a split maidenhead--
That's the last time she ever was tight.
%%
There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
%%
There was a young girl named Heather
Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
She made a queer noise,
Which attracted the boys,
By flapping the edges together.
%%
There was a young girl named McCall
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
But the size of her anus
Was something quite heinous --
It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
%%
There was a young girl named O'Clare
Whose body was covered with hair.
It was really quite fun
To probe with one's gun,
For her quimmy might be anywhere.
%%
There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers,
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
%%
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
%%
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
The miller's sun, Jack,
Laid her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
%%
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
%%
There was a young girl of Asturias
With a penchant for practices curious.
She loved to bat rocks
With her gentlemen's cocks --
A practice both rude and injurious.
%%
There was a young girl of Batonger
who diddled herself with a conger,
When asked how it feels
To be pleasured by eels
She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
%%
There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
Had a very capricious vagina:
To the shock of the fucker
"Twould suddenly pucker,
And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
%%
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
But it wasn't Jehovah
That turned the girl over,
'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
%%
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
%%
There was a young girl of Des Moines
Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
Till a guy from Hoboken
Went and dropped in a token,
And now she rides free on the ferry.
%%
There was a young girl of East Lynne
Whose mother, to save her from sin,
Had filled up her crack,
To the brim with shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
%%
There was a young girl of Gibraltar
Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
It really seems odd
That a virtuous God
Should answer her prayers and assault her.
%%
There was a young girl of Mobile,
Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
To give her a thrill,
Took a rotary drill,
Or a number nine emery wheel.
%%
There was a young girl of Moline
Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
She would work on a prick
With every known trick,
And finish by winking it clean.
%%
There was a young girl of Newcastle
Whose charms were declared universal.
While one man in front
Wired into her cunt,
Another was engaged at her arsehole.
%%
There was a young girl of Pawtucket
Whose box was as big as a bucket.
Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
I'll have to wear boots,
For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
%%
There was a young girl of Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance.
The passengers fucked her,
Likewise the conductor,
While the driver shot off in his pants.
%%
There was a young girl of Pitlochry
Who was had by a man in a rockery.
She said, "Oh! You've come
All over my bum;
This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
%%
There was a young girl of Rangoon
Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
"Well, it has been great fun,"
She remarked when he'd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
%%
There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
Whose people all thought her a virgin,
Till they found her in bed
With her twat very red,
And the head of a kid just emergin'.
%%
There was a young girl, very sweet,
Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
When she sat on their lap
She unbuttoned their flap,
And always had plenty to eat.
%%
There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat.
%%
There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
The knob out in front
Attracted foul cunt
Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
%%
There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
With a fifteen-inch peter,
A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical Flood.
%%
There was a young lad from Nahant
Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
When asked, "Do you fuck?"
He replied, "No such luck.
I would if I could but I can't."
%%
There was a young lad from Siam,
Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
He loved them real small,
'Cause they're funner to ball,
So he went out and bought him a lamb!
%%
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
%%
There was a young lad named McFee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee
He made oodles of money
By oozing pure honey
Every time he attempted to pee.
%%
There was a young lady at sea
Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser, and me."
%%
There was a young lady from Brussels
Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
She could easily plex them
And so interflex them
As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
%%
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
%%
There was a young lady from Munich
Who had an affair with a eunuch.
At the height of their passion
He dealt her a ration
From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
%%
There was a young lady from Prentice
Who had an affair with a dentist.
To make things easier
He used anesthesia,
And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
%%
There was a young lady from Rheims
Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
A friend poked around
And a fly-button found
Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
%%
There was a young lady from Spain
Whose face was exceedingly plain,
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the men fuck her,
Again, and again, and again.
%%
There was a young lady from Wooster
Who complained that too many men gooster.
So she traded her scanties
For sandpaper panties,
Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
%%
There was a young lady in Reno,
Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
But she lay on her back,
And opened her crack,
So now she owns the Casino!
%%
There was a young lady named Astor
Who never let any get past her.
She finally got plenty
By stopping twenty,
Which certainly ought to last her.
%%
There was a young lady named Banker,
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
She woke in dismay,
When she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
%%
There was a young lady named Blount
Who had a rectangular cunt.
She learned for diversion
Posterior perversion,
Since no one could fit here in front.
%%
There was a young lady named Brent
With a cunt of enormous extent,
And so deep and so wide,
The acoustics inside
Were so good you could hear when you spent.
%%
There was a young lady named Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The entire oboe part
Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
%%
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
At least so I thought
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
%%
There was a young lady named Duff
With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
In his haste to get in her
One eager beginner
Lost both of his balls in the rough.
%%
There was a young lady named Etta
Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
Three reasons she had:
To keep warm wasn't bad,
But the other two reasons were betta.
%%
There was a young lady named Flo
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night,
Till he got it just right...
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
%%
There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right,
So everyone filled her with gin.
%%
There was a young lady named Gilda
Who went on a date with a builder.
He said that he would,
And he could and he should,
And he did and it damn well near killed her.
%%
There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
And then by six men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
%%
There was a young lady named Gloria,
Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
She replied to the chap,
"I'll draw you a map,
Of where others have been to before ya."
%%
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
%%
There was a young lady named Hatch
Who would always come through in a scratch.
If a guy wouldn't neck her,
She'd grab up his pecker
And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
%%
There was a young lady named Mable
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
Then cry to her man,
"Stuff in all you can --
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
%%
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And frigging herself with a candle.
%%
There was a young lady named Maud,
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I'm told,
She was distant and cold,
But if you got her alone, Oh God!
%%
There was a young lady named May
Who strolled in a park by the way,
And she met a youg man
Who fucked her and ran --
Now she goes to the park every day.
%%
There was a young lady named Nance
Who learned about fucking in France,
And when you'd insert it
She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
And shoved it right back in your pants.
%%
There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.
%%
There was a young lady named Ransom
Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
When she cried out for more
A voice from the floor
Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
%%
There was a young lady named Riddle
Who had an untouchable middle.
She had many friends
Because of her ends,
Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
%%
There was a young lady named Schneider
Who often kept trysts with a spider.
She found a strange bliss,
In the hiss of her piss,
As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
%%
There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
She said, "Try as I can
I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
%%
There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
For it tickled her bum
And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
%%
There was a young lady named Wylde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus;
Contagious diseases;
And the bother of having a child.
%%
There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
Said she with a frown,
"I've been sadly let down
By the tool of a fool in a garden."
%%
There was a young lady of Bicester
Who was nicer by far than her sister:
The sister would giggle
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
%%
There was a young lady of Bude
Who walked down the street in the nude.
A bobby said, "Whattum
Magnificent bottom!"
And slapped it as hard as he could.
%%
There was a young lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee.
A man in a punt
Put his hand on her cunt,
And God! how I wish it were me.
%%
There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
%%
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
%%
There was a young lady of Ealing
And her lover before her was kneeling.
Said she, "Dearest Jim,
Take your hands off my quim;
I much prefer fucking to feeling."
%%
There was a young lady of Gaza
Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
The crabs, in a lump,
Made tracks to her rump -
This passing parade did amaze her.
%%
There was a young lady of Gaza
Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
The crabs, in a lump,
Made tracks to her rump--
This passing parade did amaze her.
%%
There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
She wasn't much hurt,
But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.
%%
There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose friends they thought they had lost her
Till they found on the grass
The marks of her arse,
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
%%
There was a young lady of Kent,
Who admitted she knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine,
And plied her with wine,
She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
%%
There was a young lady of Lee
Who scrambled up into a tree,
When she got there
Her arsehole was bare,
And so was her C U N T.
%%
There was a young lady of Lincoln
Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
So she had a prick lent her
Which turned it magenta,
This artful old lady of Lincoln.
%%
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau
"Just look at me Joe
I think I've discovered one more way."
%%
There was a young lady of Rhyll
In an omnibus was taken ill,
So she called the conductor,
Who got in and fucked her,
Which did more good than a pill.
%%
There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train.
There was a young porter
Saw more than he orter,
And asked her to do it again.
%%
There was a young lady of Spain
Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
They did it again
And again and again,
And again and again and again.
%%
There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To God she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
%%
There was a young lady of Wheeling
Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
My little brown jug
Has need of a plug" --
And straightaway she started to peeling.
%%
There was a young lady of Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
%%
There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
To her lover she said,
As they climbed into bed,
"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
%%
There was a young lady who said,
As her bridegroom got into the bed,
"I'm tired of this stunt,
That they do with one's cunt,
You can get up my bottom instead."
%%
There was a young lady whose cunt
Could accomodate a small punt.
Her mother said, "Annie,
It matches your fanny,
Which never was that of a runt."
%%
There was a young lady whose thighs,
When spread showed a slit of such size,
And so deep and so wide,
You could play cards inside,
Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
%%
There was a young laundress named Wrangle
Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
"They may tickle my chin,"
She said with a grin,
"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
%%
There was a young maiden from Osset
Whose quim was nine inches across it.
Said a young man named Tong,
With tool nine inches long,
"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
%%
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
%%
There was a young man from Calcutta
Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
"If her Bartholin glands
Don't respond to my hands,
I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
%%
There was a young man from Dallas
Who had an exceptional phallus.
He couldn't find room
In any girl's womb
Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
%%
There was a young man from East Wubley
Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
Each quadruplicate shaft
Had two balls hanging aft,
And the general effect was quite lovely.
There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a trifurcated prong:
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a `boney' for beating a gong.
%%
There was a young man from Glengozzle
Who found a remarkable fossil.
He knew by the bend
And the wart on the end,
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
%%
There was a young man from Jodhpur
Who found he could easily cure
His dread diabetes
By eating a foetus
Served up in a sauce of manure.
%%
There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
%%
There was a young man from Lynn
Whose cock was the size of a pin.
Said his girl with a laugh
As she felt his staff,
"This won't be much of a sin."
%%
There was a young man from Maine
Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
It was almost as long,
So he strolled with his dong
Extended in sunshine and rain.
%%
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
%%
There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"Nevermore!"
%%
There was a young man from Peru,
Who took a long trip by canoe.
While staring at Venus,
And rubbing his penis,
He wound up with a handful of goo.
%%
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back --
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
%%
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who used to lament 'neath the moon
That he had the luck
To be born of a fuck
That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
%%
There was a young man from Salinas
Who had an extremely long penis:
Believe it or not,
When he lay on his cot
It reached from Marin to Martinez.
%%
There was a young man from Seattle
Whose testicles tended to rattle.
He said as he fuck-ed
Some stones in a bucket,
"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
%%
There was a young man from Siam
Who said, "I go in with a wham,
But I soon lose my starch
Like the mad month of March,
And the lion comes out like a lamb."
%%
There was a young man from Stamboul
Who boasted so torrid a tool
That each female crater
Explored by this satyr
Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
%%
There was a young man in Madrid
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did.
%%
There was a young man in Norway,
Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
But the air was so frigid
It froze his cock rigid,
And all he could come was frappe.
%%
There was a young man in the choir
Whose penis rose higher and higher,
Till it reached such a height
It was quite out of sight --
But of course you know I'm a liar.
%%
There was a young man, name of Saul,
Who was able to bounce either ball,
He could stretch them and snap them,
And juggle and clap them,
Which earned him the plaudits of all.
%%
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
Yeah, she threw the switch,
And Crockett went off like a rocket.
%%
There was a young man named Hughes
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
He said, "When I'm muddled
My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws."
%%
There was a young man named Knute
Who had warts all over his root.
He put acid on these
And now when he pees,
He fingers the thing like a flute.
%%
There was a young man named McNamiter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
But it wasn't the size
Gave the girls a surprise,
But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
%%
There was a young man named Zerubbabel
Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
When they asked if his pleasure
Was only half measure,
He replied, "That is highly improbable."
%%
There was a young man named Zerubbabub
Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
But the pride of his life
Were the tits of his wife --
One real, and one India-rubber bub.
%%
There was a young man of Arras
Who stretched himself out on the grass,
And with no little trouble,
He bent himself double,
And stuck his prick well up his ass.
%%
There was a young man of Australia
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog,
Two mice and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
%%
There was a young man of Bengal
Who swore he had only one ball,
But two little bitches
Unbuttoned his britches,
And found he had no balls at all.
%%
There was a young man of Bombay
Who buggered his dad once a day.
He said, "I like, rather,
Fucking my father --
He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
%%
There was a young man of Calcutta,
Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
When he got to c-u,
A pious Hindoo
Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
%%
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
%%
There was a young man of Coblenz
Whose ballocks were simply immense:
It took forty-four draymen,
A priest and three laymen
To carry them thither and thence.
%%
There was a young man of Darjeeling
Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
In the electric light socket,
He'd put it and rock it--
Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
%%
There was a young man of Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
His tool when at ease,
Hung down to his knees,
Oh, what must it be when it rises!
%%
There was a young man of Dumfries
Who said to his girl, "If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!"
%%
There was a young man of Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
So long was his tool
That it wound round a spool,
And he let it out inach by inach.
%%
There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
But buggered and sucked her--
And left her to pay for the room.
%%
There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
%%
There was a young man of Kutki
Who could blink himself off with one eye.
For a while though, he pined,
When his organ declined
To function, because of a stye.
%%
There was a young man of Lahore
Whose prick was one inch and no more.
It was all right for key-holes
And little girl's pee-holes,
But not worth a damn with a whore.
%%
There was a young man of Lake Placid
Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
When he wanted to sport
He would have to resort
To injections of sulphuric acid.
%%
There was a young man of Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
When jangled together
They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.
%%
There was a young man of Missouri
Who fucked with a terrible fury.
Till hauled into court
For his beastial sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
%%
There was a young man of Natal
And Sue was the name of his gal.
One day, north of Aden,
He got his hard rod in,
And came clear up Suez Canal.
%%
There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow and I shall."
%%
There was a young man of Ostend
Who let a girl play with his end.
She took hold of Rover,
And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.
%%
There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
"It's no use, my duck,
Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
%%
There was a young man of Seattle
Who bested a bull in a battle.
With fire and gumption
He assumed the bull's function,
And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
%%
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
%%
There was a young man of Tibet
-- And this is the strangest one yet --
His prick was so long,
And so pointed and strong,
He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
%%
There was a young man of Toulouse
Who had a deficient prepuce,
But the foreskin he lacked
He made up in his sac;
The result was, his balls were too loose.
%%
There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To -- I won't say a bitch --
But a woman of no reputation.
%%
There was a young man with one foot
Who had a very long root.
If he used this peg
As an extra leg
Is a question exceedingly moot.
%%
There was a young miss from Johore
Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
In a manner uncanny
She'd wobble her fanny,
And drain your nuts dry to the core.
%%
There was a young monk in Siberia,
Whose morals were very inferior,
He jumped on a nun
Which he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.
%%
There was a young of Warwick
Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
For he could by election
Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
%%
There was a young parson of Harwich,
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
She said, "No, you young goose,
Just try self-abuse.
And the other we'll try after marriage."
%%
There was a young peasant named Gorse
Who fell madly in love with his horse.
Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
That horse is a stallion --
This constitutes grounds for divorce."
%%
There was a young person of Kent
Who was famous wherever he went.
All the way through a fuck,
He would quack like a duck,
And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
%%
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."
%%
There was a young sapphic named Anna
Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
Which she sucked, bit by bit,
From her partner's warm slit,
In the most approved lesbian manner.
%%
There was a young soldier from Munich
Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
And their chops girls would lick
When they thought of his prick,
But alas! he was only a eunuch.
%%
There was a young squaw of Wohunt
Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
It had many odd uses,
Produced no papooses,
And fitted both giant and runt.
%%
There was a young student from Yale
Who was getting his first piece of tail.
He shoved in his pole,
But in the wrong hole,
And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
%%
There was a young trollop at Yale,
Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.
%%
There was a young whore from Kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
%%
There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.
%%
There was a young woman named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
She said, "I do this
From a great need to piss,
And not from sectarian malice."
%%
There was a young woman named Brent
With a cunt of enormous extent,
And so deep and so wide,
The acoustics inside
Were so good you could hear when you spent.
%%
There was a young woman named Florence
Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
But they found her in bed
With her cunt flaming red,
And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
%%
There was a young woman named Sutton
Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
"My father preferred
The last sheep in the herd --
This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
%%
There was a young woman of Cheadle,
Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
Said she, "Does it itch?"
"It does, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
%%
There was an Old Man of the Mountain
Who frigged himself into a fountain
Fifteen times had he spent,
Still he wasn't content,
He simply got tired of the counting.
%%
There was an old Count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So with great savoir-faire
She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
%%
There was an old abbess quite shocked
To find nuns where the candles were locked.
Said the abbess, "You nuns
Should behave more like guns,
And never go off till you're cocked."
%%
There was an old curate of Hestion
Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
But so small was his tool
He could scarce screw a spool,
And a cunt was quite out of the question.
%%
There was an old fellow named Skinner
Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
But still, by and large,
It would always discharge
Once he could just get it in her.
%%
There was an old gent from Kentuck
Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
But he put it away
For fear that one day
He might put it in and get stuck.
%%
There was an old girl of Kilkenny
Whose usual charge was a penny.
For half of that sum
You could finger her bum--
A source of amusement to many.
%%
There was an old lady of Kewry
Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
The `introitus vaginae',
Was unnaturally tiny,
And the thought of it filled her with fury.
%%
There was an old lady who lay
With her legs wide apart in the hay,
Then, calling the ploughman,
She said, "Do it now, man!
Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
%%
There was an old man from Bengal
Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
His favorite trick
Was to stand on his dick
While he rolled around on one ball.
%%
There was an old man of Brienz
The length of whose cock was immense:
With one swerve he could plug
A boy's bottom in Zug,
And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
%%
There was an old man of Cajon
Who never could get a good bone.
With the aid of a gland
It grew simply grand;
Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
%%
There was an old man of Duddee
Who came home as drunk as could be.
He wound up the clock
With the end of his cock,
And buggered his wife with the key.
%%
There was an old man of Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose
And with fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
%%
There was an old man of Hong Kong
Who never did anything wrong.
He would lie on his back
With his head in a sack
And secretly finger his dong.
%%
There was an old man of Tagore
Whose tool was a yard long or more,
So he wore the damn thing
In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor.
%%
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
%%
There was an old man who said, "Tush!
My balls always hang in the brush,
And I fumble about,
Half in and half out,
With a pecker as limber as mush."
%%
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
%%
There was an old satyr named Mack
Whose prick had a left handed tack.
If the ladies he loves
Don't spin when he shoves,
Their cervixes frequently crack.
%%
There was an old woman of Ghent
Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
She got fucked so often
At last she got rotten,
And didn't she stink when she spent.
%%
There was once a mechanic named Bench
Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
With this vibrant device
He could reach, in a trice,
The innermost parts of a wench.
%%
There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
What they do to my wife--
Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is, they all do it well.
%%
There were three ladies of Huxham,
And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
And when that game grows stale
We sits on a rail,
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
%%
There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
It's deep and it's wide,
-- You can curl up inside
With a nice easy chair and a book.
%%
There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
But now--it's appallin'--
My balls always fall in!
I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
%%
There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
Whose manners are odd and demanding.
It's one of her jests
To suck off her guests --
She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
%%
There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
But her cunt's got a pucker
That's best not to fuck, or
When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
%%
There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
In the shell Sue is great,
But her boyfriend's irate,
When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
%%
There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
In her striving to please,
She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.
%%
There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
Since his shocking perversions are various...
He will bugger some lad
With a dildo (the cad!)
While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
%%
There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
When one pireg is shot,
There's that alternate twat,
But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
%%
There's an over-sexed lady named Whyte
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar
Had the brashness to wed her--
His chance for survival is slight.
%%
There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
Exceedingly hard to get onto,
But when you get there,
And have parted the hair,
You can fuck her as much as you want to.
%%
Though the invalid Saint of Brac
Lay all of his life on his back,
His wife got her share,
And the pilgrims now stare
At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
%%
To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
He constructed a bed
Out of tree trunks and said,
"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
%%
To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
%%
To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has the east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit,
Or is it the faulty perspective?"
%%
Two roosters in one of our pens
Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
As they looked at their foreskins
And wished they had more skins,
They discovered they'd both become hens.
%%
Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smith he sat,
Amusing himself
By abusing himself
And catching the load in his hat.
%%
Une joile epousetta a Tours
Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
Mais le mari disait, "Non!
De trop n'est pas bon!
Mon derriere exige du secours!"
%%
Visas erat: huic geminarum
Dispar modus testicularum:
Minor haec nihili,
Palma triplici,
Jam fecerat altera clarum.
%%
"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
"And told my wife to try it on top.
She bounced for an hour,
Till she ran out of power,
And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
%%
Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
By all of the lads in his class
He said, with a yawn,
"Now the novelty's gone
And it's only a pain in the ass."
%%
"Well, madam," the bishop declared,
While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
"'Twere better, perhaps,
In the crypt or the apse,
Because sex in the nave must be shared."
%%
When I was a baby, my penis
Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
But now 'this as red
As her nipples instead--
All because of the feminie genus!
%%
When he tried to inject his huge whanger
A young man aroused his girl's anger.
As they strove in the dark
She was heard to remark,
"What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
%%
When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
"Was he modest or vain?"
"Was he regal or plain?"
She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
%%
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
%%
While Titian was mixing rose madder,
His model reclined on a ladder.
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
%%
While out on a date in his Fiat,
The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
As he bent down to seek,
She let out a shriek:
"That's not where it's likely to be at."
%%
While spending the winter at Pau
Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
So the head-porter made her
And the second-cook laid her;
The waiters were all hanging low.
%%
Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.
%%
There once was a reverend at Kings
Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
But his heart was on fire
For a boy in the choir
Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
%%
Floating idly one day through the air,
A circus performer named Blair,
Tied a sizeable rock,
To the end of his cock,
And shattered a balcony chair.
%%
"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
You have made much fine verse on
Each part of my person,
Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
%%
There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock
And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a good public school,
So he took down their britches
And buggered those bitches
With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
"The vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker,
And longer and stronger than you."
-- Abuses of the Clergy
%%
Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"This must be our final adieu,
For the vicar is slicker,
And thicker, and quicker,
And two inches longer than you."
%%
There was an old Scot named McTavish
Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
The object of rape
Was the wrong sex of ape,
And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
%%
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
%%
The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%%
... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes
it even worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine.
Back in the 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles,
Playboy was considered just about the raciest thing around, even though
all it ever showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of
these breasts would have provided adequate shelter for a family of
four, but the overall effect was no more explicit than many
publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%%
They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
impression.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%%
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
it because the court was going to take a nap.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%%
What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is
better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke.
There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his
funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had
supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs
make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
and great art to make life not so serious.
-- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
%%
It was April the 41st,
Being a quadruple leap year.
I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
My Barracuda was in the shop,
So I was in a rented stingray
-- and it was over-heating.
So, I pulled into a Shell station.
They said I'd blown a seal.
I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
life out of it, okay pal?"
-- Wet Dreams
%%
A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
%%
In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
kissing him on the balls.
-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
%%
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"
%%
Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
%%
Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
%%
This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?"
M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
open a fuckin' savings account!"
Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt being giving you any trouble?"
%%
Get your bytes from our backend!
-- Britton Lee
%%
Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot
of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay
for his own drinks.
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%%
The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have
stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the
way when they try to be serious."
"Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
into the ether and the cocaine."
"Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just
chew it up like baseball gum."
I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with
the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then
screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from
the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just
did to us?"
-- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
%%
The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A
waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?"
"I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter
returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything
with our hands," he explained.
The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even
have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this
little piece of string attached to my apron?"
"Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
"But how do you put it back?"
"I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but I
use the tongs."
%%
There once was a girl from Madras
Who had such a beautiful ass -
It was not round and pink
(As you bastards think)
But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
%%
There once was a lawyer named Rex
With minuscule organs of sex.
Arraigned for exposure,
He maintained with composure:
"De minimis non curat lex."
%%
There once was a man from Bombay
He would do it all night and all day
He soon became sore
You shoulda' heard him roar
When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
%%
There once was a monk of Camyre
Who was seized with a carnal desire
And the primary cause
Was the abbess's drawers
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
%%
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who noticed her lovers were few;
So she walked out her door
With a fig leaf, no more,
And now she's in bed - with the flu.
%%
There was a young lady from Spain
Who demurely undressed on a train.
A helpful young porter
Helped more than he orter,
And she promptly cried "Help me again!"
%%
There was a young lady named Rose
With erogenous zones in her toes.
She remained onanistic
Till a foot-fetishistic
Young man became one of her beaux.
%%
To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
%%
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
"Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
The looks that mell, the claws that and through
catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
sought-- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
And paused to smoke some pot.
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
%%
If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
%%
Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
%%
Did you know that some people your age have sex
thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after?
%%
War is menstruation envy.
%%
18th Rule of Friendship:
A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof to
install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you ever saw.
-- Esquire, May 1977
%%
Love comes in spurts.
%%
Women -- can't live with 'em, can't
leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
%%
Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
'em by the curb when you're done.
%%
Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
%%
National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
%%
Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
%%
Confucious say man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
%%
Lick-a-dee-clit!
%%
One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
%%
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
%%