2.9BSD/usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat
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g $ G { 4 K m ~ J ! ! N" # & ' ( ( ( ) + L, , ~- . H/ / 0 <1 1 t2 6 7 7 g8 8 Q9 9 f; ; )< = = > N> ? ? @ iA A .B B C }C 2D ~D D *G tJ J J K BK \K {K K K K L *L GL {L L L L M @M M M dN N *O P P QInk: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime.
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
Once Law was sitting on the bench
And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here."
Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
"Amica curiae," she replied --
"Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
I never saw your face before!"
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
therefore --
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from
the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the
subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of
human knowledge.
Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
are in the market.
Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is
distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the
corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion....
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation....A
fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
....It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
smell.
-- Ambrose Bierce
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the
last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened
but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
in scope, for it balks at pig.
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
force is technically termed "car suck").
2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes
up the on roof and gets stuck.
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
-- Andrew W. Mathis
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
-- Roy Santoro
Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
check.
2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
attracted to dark objects.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-- Noelie Altito
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
-- Marguerite Emmons
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to.....to........uh..............
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means."
-- Walt Kelly
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland.
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
For a good time, call 642-9483
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
To be is to do.
-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-- F. Flinstone
God is Dead
-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
-- God
Nietzsche is God
-- Dead
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/40!
!04/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
please use the program "randchar". This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
This fortune intentionally not included.
Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy
Because he knows it teases.
Wow! wow! wow!
I speak severely to my boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!
Wow! wow! wow!
"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'"
Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
Et le m^omerade horgrave.
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
"I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said
Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
objected.
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
that's all."
Oh, when I was in love with you,
Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
How well did I behave.
And now the fancy passes by,
And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
Am quite myself again.
-- A. E. Housman
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.
-- Stanislaw Lem
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist. Indeed, the banality of
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
different way......
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
-- Walt Kelley
Look out! Behind you!
If all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.
Finagle's third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
Corollaries:
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Finagle's fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
Theorem. To wit:
1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
even.
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
game.
Ehrman's Commentary:
1. Things will get worse before they get better.
2. Who said things would get better?
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
bathroom.
Laws of Computer Programming:
1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its
output.
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
the programmer who must maintain it.
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
some useful work done.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
out.
Law of Communications:
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
area of misunderstanding.
Harris' Lament:
All the good ones are taken.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman
Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
percent.
Weinberg's First Law:
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
civilization.
Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
rats.
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Katz' Law:
Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
voice.
"No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
Elven-lore:
"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
because we are not the person involved"
-- Mark Twain
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
-- Walt Kelly
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
-- A. E. Housman
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
-- Su Tung-p'o
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
-- Stanislaw Lem
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade....
-- Stanislaw Lem
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
first two laws.
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
-- Frederick Winsor
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
-- Arlo Guthrie
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now....try to get something DONE!
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
-- Ogden Nash
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
that it might be taught to talk.
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
-- Walt Kelly
Democracy is also a form of worship.
It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
-- H. L. Mencken
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
1) They all had moderate appetites.
2) They all came from middle class homes
3) All but two of them were dead.
Fats Loves Madelyn
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
-- Mark Twain
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-- Art Hoppe
There's little in taking or giving,
There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the provence of cattle,
And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
Would you kindly direct me to hell?
-- Dorothy Parker
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
-- Dorothy Parker
THEORY
Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
-- Dorothy Parker
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
And I wish I'd never met him.
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
And I wish he were in Asia.
My love runs by like a day in June,
And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
-- Dorothy Parker
The Abrams' Principle:
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
as Wheels.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who
have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that
they cannot separately plunder a third.
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket
or a left.
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
weather we are having.
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
as a man's head.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
-- Ambrose Bierce
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine
which side it is buttered on.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of
her stockings and desolating the country.
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of
zoology is full of surprises.
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...
-- Ambrose Bierce
Please ignore previous fortune.
Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
Please take note:
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
season was mared by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
every persuasion.
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.
-- Isaac Asimov
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was
in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
Did you know....
That no-one ever reads these things?
Hark,Hark,the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
From "The thirteen clocks"
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
-- Prof. Steiner
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST..."
... But among the children of the Great Society there were those
whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of
the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
people go to the front of the bus."
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
$3,000,000
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. you are working
---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
Nine in the second place means:
The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
Six in the third place means:
In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! Just type
in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:
Name #
You might have mail
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
take a bath...
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes..."
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
flag.
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
was propounded to me by my father:
"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
gave up.
"A herring," said my father.
"A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
"So hang it there."
"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
"Paint it."
"But a herring isn't wet."
"If its just painted its still wet."
"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
doesn't whistle!!"
"Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
-- Leo Rosten
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
-- Yiddish saying
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
"Well, after three days on that cockamany route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz
said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
-- W.C. Fields
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
--Mark Twain
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
tickets.
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
today.
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior
executive.
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
computer crashes.
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough
to worry.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
nails.
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus trees.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
misery of another.
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
---Jerome Lettvin
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.
-- R. Geis
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
-- D. J. Hicks
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.
-- Lazarus Long
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
-- Peter S. Beagle
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has
been discontinued.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him. He's a Commie.
The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
"Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
-- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
From "The Swords of Lankhmar", By "Fritz Leiber"
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
Vote anarchist
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily cancelled.
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
Condense soup, not books!
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
Hire the morally handicapped.
I can resist anything but temptation.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
"All flesh is grass"
-- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
George Orwell was an optimist.
Chicken Little was right.
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Dallas still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
Brain fried -- Core dumped
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Salvador Hardin
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
Down with categeorical imperative!
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
Lysistrata had a good idea.
Reality is an obstacle to halucination.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
Familiarity breeds attempt
Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
God is a polythiest
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
"That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all."
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters picnic.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
--Einstein
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
--Jerome Lettvin
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
-- R. Geis
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might
be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's
logic!"
-- Lewis Carroll
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
-- Hawkwind
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
President's and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
-- Lily Tomlin
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
-- Albert Einstein
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
harder.
-- Pope John Paul I
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
-- Clint Eastwood
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the m"obius strip;
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
...And malt does more than Milton can
to justify God's ways to man
-- A.E. Housman
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
Oh, dear, where can the matter be
When it's converted to energy?
There is a slight loss of parity.
Johnny's so long at the fair.
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
System/3! System/3!
See how it runs! See how it runs!
Its monitor loses so totally!
It runs all its programs in RPG!
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!
100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrave.
"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.
You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los
Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly
the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there.
The only difference is that there is no cat.
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
The one who has the gold makes the rules.
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on
the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an
infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place."
-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
-- Foolish Dictionary
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
Accuracy: The vice of being right
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing."
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
-- Thomas Jefferson
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
-- La Rouchefoucauld
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
-- Peggy Joyce
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- Charlie McCarthy
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
-- John O'Hara
"An American is a man with two arms and four wheels".
-- A Chinese child
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
-- Mickey Mouse
Ass: The masculine of "lass".
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
-- Don Quinn
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
-- Fred Allen
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
-- Herbert Prochnow
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
-- H. L. Mencken
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
-- H. L. Mencken
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching
his breath is called the listener.
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
-- Clarence Darrow
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
-- John McNulty
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
-- G. B. Shaw
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
-- Senator Soaper
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
-- Elbert Hubbard
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
-- Bellamy Brooks
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
-- Macy's
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
--Maxwell Smart
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
-- Bert Whitney
Silverman's Law:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will
Hindsight is an exact science.
Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
-- Reverend Chichester
The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
the dark leaks out.
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.
Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.
This person must be fired.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
DeVries' Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Finagle's Creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
once.
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
reject the proposal.
Jones' First Law:
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
importance of their original contribution.
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
handle.
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
other.
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
stupidity.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary:
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
study for that instructor's course.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
live.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
$19.95.
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
Arthur's Laws of Love:
1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
remind them of someone else.
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
of yourself in person.
Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or
it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
attracted to.
Grelb's Commentary
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
Superiority is recessive.
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Ducharm's Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
A Law of Computer Programming:
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
will find the programmers cannot write in English.
Turnaucka's Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can orgranize them into a
committee -- that will do them in.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant becasue
it isn't here.
-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- Groucho Marx
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
-- Adlai Stevenson
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
-- John Ciardi
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Kin: An affliction of the blood
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
-- Mark Twain
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Oscar Wilde
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
-- Ambrose Bierce
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
-- Anatole France
BLISS is ignorance
Hi! How are things going?
(just fine, thank you...)
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
(you just asked one...)
Well, how about one more?
(one more than the first one?)
Yes.
(you already asked that...)
[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
May I ask two questions, sir?
(no.)
May I ask ONE then?
(nope...)
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
(yes, you may.)
Sir, how may I ask you a question?
(you must ask for retroactive question asking priveleges for
the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
number plus two {one for the current question, and one for the
next one)
Sir, may I ask nine questions?
(go right ahead...)
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespools lemon juice
Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
Cinnamon
Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a
dark side, and it holds the universe together....
-- Carl Zwanzig
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Love is sentimental measles.
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
I never fail to convice an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce"
-- Winston Churchill
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
-- Hilaire Belloc
The three laws of thermodynamics:
The first law: You can't get anything without working for it.
The second law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
The third law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
Famous last words:
Don't worry, I can handle it.
You and what army?
If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop.
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
in kernal as it is in user!
Nothing is faster than the speed of light...
To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
the light comes on.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
and over again. People think you are stupid.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your
associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack
confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible
things to small animals.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
very nice.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn
and bull headed. You are a Communist.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
committing incest.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
recipients are Cancer people.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
critiscism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for
employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are
prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.
Most Scorpio people are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of
Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a
great deal.
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
San Fransisco?
A: Both of them.
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments,
they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor
said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was
made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible
surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
Anarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
Opinions are like assholes - everyones got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
Hal Hickman
The United States Army;
194 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.
Do something big -- fuck a giant
Draft beer, not people
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
God is an atheist.
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
Chaste makes waste.
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
Coito ergo sum
God is not dead -- he's been busted
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus
has the pricks on the outside.
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
I came; I saw; I fucked up
Reagan can't _a_c_t either
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead.
Getting an education at the University of California is like
having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
inconsistent with a life of sin.
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
man -- who has no gills.
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
the country was hopelessy trapped.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
"God built a compeling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
preasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
merriment.
"Needelss to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and bazelles, skylarks and lobsteres, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
principal industries of the Orient.
"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
watch him have another."
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay
dead that scares the shit out of me.
-- R. Geis
History has the relation to truth that theology has to
religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
-- Lazarus Long
...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
bridge.
-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
Them Toad Suckers
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
-- Mason Williams
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
Let _V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let _P be a constant persuasion;
"Let _V over _P be inverted
With the square root of _M_u inserted
_N times into _V ...
The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
There was a young girl named Saphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
and it stinks."
And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
and none may abide by its strength."
And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
it was Good!
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
licentious, dirty bum!!
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
can't happen."
-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
We'll be of the opposite sex.
Chorus:
Clone, clone of my own,
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when we're alone,
Since her mind is my own,
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
-- Randall Garrett
"If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a
candidate."
-- Jerry Dreshfield
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
"As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
sort of being like for putting it in and not pulling it out? Even if
it was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed."
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself inbetween.
Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
Sex is like a bridge game --
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Govenor -- Hell, they
_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
qualified for!
-- Michael Cain
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
didn't believe in God."
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "but the
God I don't beleive in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
-- Joseph Heller
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
-- Leo C. Rosten
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.
-- Alfred E. Wiggam
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
-- Edward P. Morgan
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
all will end as doves.
"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
scruples and the police."
-- Mr. Dooley
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
forgets?
Grain grows best in shit
-- U. K. LeGuin
All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid.
Who made the spikey urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
--Monty Python
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am"
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he's pissed!
-- Monty Python
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
place to shift.
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
Hackers do it with bugs.
AI hackers do it with robots.
AI hackers do it robotically.
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Statisticians probably do it.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Physicists do it with charm
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
Politicians do it to everyone.
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
Communists do it without class.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspapaer dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
Missionary position: The missionary on top.
O'Riordan's Theorem:
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
Purmal's Corollary:
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
availibility goes to zero.
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
"di-dah" for the filthy words.
Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
di-dah di-dah di-dah?
Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
still come out ahead.