Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. -- Hal Hickman %% The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. %% Do something big -- fuck a giant %% Draft beer, not people %% God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. %% God is an atheist. %% Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. %% In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs and he had 'em. %% Chaste makes waste. %% Cunnilingus is next to godliness. %% Coito ergo sum %% God isn't dead -- he's been busted %% The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. %% Hugh Hefner is a virgin. %% I came; I saw; I fucked up %% Reagan can't _a_c_t either %% Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. %% Getting an education at the University of California is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. %% Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. %% Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. %% Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" %% "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" %% Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. %% "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another." %% I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. -- R. Geis %% History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e. none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long %% ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 %% Them Toad Suckers How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! -- Mason Williams %% There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. %% There was a young man from Bel-Aire Who was screwing his girl on the stair, But the banister broke So he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. %% A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. %% A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight Is his phone number -- give him a call.. %% Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem rabelaisian: Let _V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let _P be a constant persuasion; "Let _V over _P be inverted With the square root of _M_u inserted _N times into _V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. %% A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire blind out of malice. While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. %% A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. %% There was a young lad name of Durcan Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. His father said, "Durcan! Stop jerkin' your gherkin! Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. %% There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" %% A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? I am not I, I'm a tree." But another, more sane, Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" And covered his pants leg with pee. %% In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the growth of the Laboratories." And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! %% There once was a hacker named Ken Who inherited truckloads of Yen So he built him some chicks Of silicon chips And hasn't been heard from since then. %% There once was a plumber from Leigh, Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, Said she, "Please stop plumbing, I think someone's coming!" Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." %% There once was a freshman named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin, A virgin named Joan From a bible belt home, Said "This won't be much of a sin." %% Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!! %% "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen." -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) %% There once was a couple named Kelley, Who lived their life belly to belly. Because in their haste They used Library Paste, Instead of Petroleum Jelly. %% CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when she is grown, My very own clone, We'll be of the opposite sex. Chorus: Clone, clone of my own, With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when we're alone, Since her mind is my own, She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. -- Randall Garrett %% Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. %% There once was a young man named Gene Who invented a screwing machine Concave and convex It served either sex And it played with itself in between. %% Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. %% Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is needed. %% "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." %% He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they _H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's qualified for! -- Michael Cain %% "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." -- Joseph Heller %% A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt %% Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. -- Leo C. Rosten %% A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. -- Alfred E. Wiggam %% A pretty young maiden from France Decided she'd "just take a chance." She let herself go For an hour or so And now all her sisters are aunts. %% John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. -- Edward P. Morgan %% Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. %% "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police." -- Mr. Dooley %% Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? %% Grain grows best in shit -- U. K. LeGuin %% All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. -- Monty Python %% Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable. Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar Who could think you under the table. David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'Bout the raising of the wrist. Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. Plato, they say, could stick it away Half a crate of whiskey every day. Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram, And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am" Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker But a bugger when he's pissed! -- Monty Python %% Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. %% All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift. %% Hackers know all the right MOVs. %% Hackers do it with fewer instructions. %% Hackers do it with bugs. %% AI hackers do it with robots. %% Mathematicians take it to the limit. %% Mathematicians do it in theory. %% Statisticians probably do it. %% Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. %% Physicists do it with charm %% Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. %% Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). %% Politicians do it to everyone. %% Procrastinators do it tomorrow. %% Communists do it without class. %% Evangelists do it with Him watching. %% God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. %% The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. %% There was a young lady named Hall, Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. The dress caught on fire And burned her entire Front page, sporting section, and all. %% Missionary position: The missionary on top. %% O'Riordan's Theorem: Brains x Beauty = Constant. Purmal's Corollary: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero. %% This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put "di-dah" for the filthy words. Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; di-dah di-dah di-dah? Di-dah di-dah di-dah. Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. %% There was a young whore from kaloo Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They can pay to get out again too!" %% Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead. %% Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. There are three morals to this story: 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. 3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. %% The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state, how is Brown going to get to Washington? %% Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. %% "How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!" %% Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: NONE! Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs! %% ...and then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps... %% One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." %% Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? ...Seats 500. %% Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard? A: If all your trashcan liners are missing... %% If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? %% I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was...an arctic wilderness -- Steve Martin %% A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is having fun. %% Dear Lord, observe this bended knee This visage meek and humble, And hear this confidential plea Voiced in reverent mumble: Give me Shylock, give me Fagin But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! -- Ansel Adams %% The Split-Atom Blues Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline... But if you split those atoms fine, Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! Gimme zits, take my dough, Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll... Call the devil and sell my soul, But Mama keep dem atoms whole! -- Milo Bloom %% Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, "My favorite sport is coitus." But a fullback from State Made her period late, And now she has athlete's fetus %% There was an old man of the port Whose prick was remarkably short. When he got into bed, The old woman said, "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" %% A worried young man from Stamboul Founds lots of red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" %% He hated to mend, so young Ned Called in a cute neighbor instead. Her husband said, "Vi, When you stitched up his torn fly, Did you have to bite off the thread?" %% There was a young man named Crockett Whose balls got caught in a socket. His wife was a bitch, And she threw the switch, As Crockett went off like a rocket. %% Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth, "Try as hard as I can, I can't find a man That it's fun to be virtuous with." %% A wanton young lady from Wimley Reproached for not acting quite primly Said, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love, But it's such an entrancing facsimile." %% I once met a lassie named Ruth In a long distance telephone booth. Now I know the perfection Of an ideal connection Even if somewhat uncouth. %% There was a young lady from Maine Who claimed she had men on her brain. But you knew from the view, As her abdomen grew, It was not on her brain that he'd lain. %% A remarkable race are the Persians; They have such peculiar diversions. They make love the whole day In the usual way And save up the nights for perversions. %% A widow who fancied a man some Was diddled three times in a hansome. When she clamored for more Her young man became sore And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." %% There once was a Scot named McAmeter With a tool of prodigious diameter. It was not the size That cause such surprise; 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. %% The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint My back aches, my pussy is sore; I simply can't fuck any more; I'm covered with sweat, And you haven't come yet, And my God, it's a quarter to four! %% I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover %% A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal. %% Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than nothing. Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. %% God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. %% If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. %% Once a young gay from Khartoum, Took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all nite, Over who had the right, To do what, and with which, and to whom. %% He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. %% Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant. %% Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. -- Robert Burton %% I have a funny daddy Who goes in and out with me And everything that baby does Daddy's sure to see, And everthing that baby says, My daddy's sure to tell. You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. I hope he fries in Hell. -- Ogden Nash %% He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. %% An Army travels on her stomach. %% "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw." -- W. C. Fields %% The computer is the ultimate polluter: Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. %% There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander. %% There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. %% There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. %% You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead. %% We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. %% The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. %% Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." %% Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? A: Fredricks of Ithaca, New York. %% Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association %% Kill a commie for Christ! %% Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be? A: A fur coat. %% This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. %% My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around with his head stuck up his ass. %% NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of our "Big John" doll.) %% Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. -- R.E. Masters %% I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa. -- Frank Zappa %% A hard man is good to find. %% Vidi, vici, veni. (I saw, I conquered, I came.) %% Q: What's Jewish foreplay? A: Two hours of begging. %% Randel -- n. A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology for farting at a friend. -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & Preposterous Words %% Q. What do Nancy Reagan and an IUD have in common? A. They're both stuck up cunts. %% Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit. -- Tom Robbins %% "Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash." -- Bo Diddley %% "The whole world is about three drinks behind." -- Humphrey Bogart %% College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come. %% If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. %% "A woman is like a dresser...some man always goin' through her drawers." --- Blind Lemon Pledge %% Motto of the Electrical Engineer: Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. %% You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. %% Which of the following doesn't belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob. Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. %% "We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand." -- James Watt %% Definition: Virgin -- an ugly third grader. %% What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. %% There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. -- David Mairowitz %% You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside. -- Heathcote Williams %% Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? %% Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked. %% Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? -- G. Gordon Liddy %% If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you should join THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma: -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which UFOs come. -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared the circle. -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject of a forthcoming Papal Bull. To join, send $39.95 and 10% of all future paychecks to: Duane Gish, CCB, San Diego, CA. %% Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole -- John Valby %% %% Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for everyone but her. Rich. %% Overheard in a bar: Man: "hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." %% "Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name." -- Gore Vidal %% "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite." -- J. K. Galbraith %% This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it! %% Kasha: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one problem with this difinition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? I_ know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you much. %% There once was a lady from Exeter, So pretty that men craned their necks at her. One was even so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.